A Thief Visits.

*Cross posted from my other blog*

Gentle Reader,

In the last year, I've come to some pretty hard realizations. One of them is how much depression has stolen from me. I once painted as a hobby. It has literally been six years since I picked up a paint brush and sat down at a canvas. I once was something of a sketch and portraiture artist. It haven't done an actual portrait of a person or a still life in over a year, prior to that it was almost six years.

Now, writing is depression's target. I'm going to apologize for the dark tone that this blog is going take. But, I'm not writing the darkest material here. That is going into my therapy work. And it has been arduous work. Still, I am going to fight this thief as hard as I would if someone physically broke into my home. It was just really demoralizing to see how my anxieties had moved from what if I put the horrors I have kept secret and tried to just 'manage' the life consequences into pictures (because gods forbid if I actually made art to begin with) and someone found out.

Depression is only part of the battle that I am waging in my head. I've posttraumatic stress disorder and a laundry list of anxieties that go together with what caused my PTSD. I will not, however, give this up. As a child, I promised my great-grandmother that I was going to grow up and be an author. I promised her I wasn't going to give that up on her deathbed. I was eight at the time. And when my grandfather was dying, I made the same promise approximately three years ago. Same promise to my grandmother before dementia had its way with her.

I have been asked how I lived through so much trauma. It was simple, I saw no other option. Depression fooled me into thinking that giving up things I love was an option for survival. I realized now, just this last week, that is a slow death. So, I'm doing my therapy work and that includes looking at things like picking up the paint brush again. Because I don't die. Depression is not going to kill me. It is not going to kill my spirit.

If I must, I will paint and write and sing out of spite. I will pound out every letter in fury. I will not let depression steal THIS from me, what has been my life long dream. And, I will take back everything that it has stolen. The only thing I can't reclaim is time. So be it, I don't need it. I'm going to live a long life anyways because when I expire, it will be because I've accomplished all of my dreams.

Under the weather.

Dear Reader,

I've been having problems with migraines again because of our fickle weather. I am a bit behind on posting because of the migraine that hit me last night and just won't really let go. On one hand, I'm glad because we are getting the rain we need. On the other hand, I'm rather fed up with this head pain that makes me feel awful in other ways. Just a plain headache is one thing, migraines are horrid.

Since the front seems to have finished coming in, my vision is better and my other symptoms are somewhat improved. I will attempt to have today's topic post up after dinner. Please bear with me.

Thanks!

♥

Godspousery Notes: An average day.

Dear Reader,

It strikes me that it may seem like I'm in contact with the gods all the time all day. They're in and out over the course of the day. On a typical day, I get up, say a morning prayer to Dea and then start my morning routine. I get the kids up and get them started on their morning routine. After breakfast, I pack Beloved's lunch and supervise the kids as they finish up their morning thing.

During the school year, I send the kids off to school after this. During the summer, they get some free play time and I start work on my morning chores. Then I do some journal writing. Some mornings, the gods pop in with suggestions to help make things more smoothly or to help clam me down if I am having a bad anxiety day. Usually, however, they and the spirits tend to stay out of the way until the morning has calmed down and I can devote my time to them. This is around when I finish up my journal writing.

I spend some time in prayer every morning before I start on my first writing session of the day. During that time, the gods and spirits make their presence known. Sometimes they are just popping in to say hello and other times they will make time to actually have a conversation. Most of the day, after my prayer session, they're all out doing their own thing as I am running through my daily routine.

Sometimes, they'll just be with me and do their own thing in the same room or space. When I take my morning walk, Freyr is usually walking with me. He's been encouraging me to get back to doing yoga twice a day because my arthritis is starting to make itself known again. Again, he is usually with me as I'm doing it. Some times he's just there with me but more often, he is giving me suggestions for how to do the stretches better and reminding me to keep proper posture. We'll just enjoy each other's company as I am walking but yoga and exercise that is more vigorous than walking is serious business and Freyr will act kinda like a personal trainer. Given that taking care of my physical health is a devotional thing he wants me to do, this really isn't surprising.

Loki is like a cat. He comes and goes as he will. When he is around, he may be watching me work and making sassy comments as we banter back and forth. Or, he may be giving me serious suggestions for how to change my approach to improve what I'm doing. When Loki gets serious about something, I know that it is something I should be serious about. There has been a time or two where he puts on his serious game face and says something absolutely ridiculous and starts laughing when I fall for it. But, Loki likes to joke around. He says I'm too serious about everything. He's probably right.

Afternoon and evening are when they are about most. It's more social with them around. Loki will make suggestions about cooking. Freyr will be doing stuff with my plants or watching the kids play with great fondness. In the time between when I spend some quiet time with Beloved and when I fall asleep, that is time just for them. Again, we may talk about anything or just spend some time together. Sometimes we spirit journey to places. Sometimes we just stay here and cuddle.

Witchcraft 101: What is a Witch?

Dear Reader,

Say the word 'witch' and it brings to mind any number of images. While the images have improved some as witchcraft is becoming more tolerated in public, they tend to remain negative in many respects. The stereotype of the witch is an older, ill tempered woman with a cabinet of questionable items and prone to cursing people for fun. A newer stereotype is that of a younger woman decked out in at least ten pounds of silver jewelry and gemstones, bohemian-chic clothing style, a house full of plants, and no less than forty two tarot decks. Both come with the requisite cat familiar, spooky looking broom, and more jars than you can shake a stick at.

Those of you who know me off-line are probably laughing because of the two stereotypes. I'll be honest, my familiar is a feisty little blue betta fish, my jar collection is slightly less prolific than this time last year, and I only curse people who have earned the honor. Cursing is work, honestly. And it is easier to just flip the annoying people off and walk away than go through the work of cursing or I'd be cursing all the time. And I haven't hit forty two tarot decks, yet.

So, what exactly is a witch? Some would say that all witches are Wiccans. Whelp, that's not exactly accurate. Almost all Wiccans identify as witches, however. A witch is a person who is engaged in the manipulation of the world on a level commonly known as spiritual / metaphysical. There are countless methods for how to do this. Witches have been found from all spiritual traditions.

There is one thing about witches that you need to remember. It is a bit dangerous to be one. I'm not talking about how a certain deity will strike one down for it. Witches have, historically, existed at the margins of society. They turned to witchcraft as a means to improve their lot because there weren't many other options, historically speaking and in various parts around the world. To be a witch today is still a dangerous thing in many parts of the world and they do not claim the title as proudly as people may here in the United States where it is relatively safe to do so.

Can you be a witch and not be one of the marginalized people of the world? Yes. There are people who do so every day. You may know one right now but they don't call themselves a witch. Because the word is still heavily loaded with negative concepts and the claiming of the title is still dangerous in even the United States. There are witches who have had burning crosses planted on their front yard because they were public about their faith or practices. There are witches who have been harassed and psychologically tortured because they were public about it. There are also many who have suffered such things because they were suspected of it.

It happens every day. Speak to any witch who is public about their craft and you'll get horror stories of harassment from every single one who is willing to talk about it. The harassment gets worse the smaller the community, by the way, because the witches are pushed farther to the margins because we don't fit in very well.

Generally, witches are like everyone else when it comes to temperment and moral compass. It may be expressed differently, but they tend to abide by social norms and rule of law. We're people just like you. We just happen to have a different skill set, different circumstances, and, increasingly often, a different faith.

Dea Loves Us, Everyone.

The Filianic Sutras: The Clew of Love

Verses 8 – 12

How shall the soul attain Love?

Let her open herself to every creature in compassion and in care.

Let her seek to do no harm to any being.

Let her love extent even to those who do her hurt.

For perfect love is perfect knowledge and perfect knowledge is perfect love.

The Filianic/Déanic twittersphere has become ablaze with discorse and discord over transgender identities and their role within the Filianic/Déanic community. This is but the latest in the discussions regarding gender essentalism within this community. I confess, I am something of a contrasting figure as I am not an orthodox member of the community. In the eyes of some, I am quite likely a very poor example of a priestess of Dea. I may be these things, but I see that there is something important being forgotten by some of the more vocal mainstream community members.

Dea loves all of her children regardless of their gender. Dea's love is unconditional and pure. We are called to imitate that love within the sutra quoted above. Dea does not love her masculine children less than her feminine children. Dea does not love her transgender children less than her cisgender children. Our Mother loves all of her children equally. 

The Daughter did not descend into the abyss of Death only to safeguard a few precious souls. She was humiliated, abused, and slain for the sake of all precious souls. For the soul of every last being down to the very blades of grass beneath our feet are precious to her. There is no soul that is not worth saving or care by the Daughter's gentle hands. For the Daughter loves all of her children. As we are children of the Mother, so we are children of the Daughter, for they are one. 

Even Deam Mysterium, the holy Dark Mother mysterious whose name is unpronounceable in even the language of the Angels, loves all souls equally. In the end of days, the Deam Mysterium will gather all souls to her breast and comfort them after their long journey through the worlds of creation and the heavens. No child will be forgotten, regardless of age, race, creed, gender, or orientation. No child will be forgotten by our Mother for our Mother yearns to embrace all her children.

The questions of gender essentialism are an attempt to deny that our Mother loves those whom we struggle to love as she does. For some, it is an argument that men are inferior to women and must be brought to heel before they may attain anything resembling enlightenment of holy mysteries. For others it is an argument that transgender people are actually men attempting to steal entrance into the holy mysteries under a false guise of femininity. Similar argments are made in masculine oriented faiths, my friends. Many who would reject these arguments from the masculine oriented faiths are quick to grab them to justify their own discomfort. It is finger pointing for the sake of saying that someone is OTHER and there by less than oneself, and through lazy corralation less deserving of Dea's love.

Any who would argue that someone who is not of their tribe does not deserve Dea's love should blush with shame for they are rejecting Dea's light within the other person. Let us embrace our siblings. Let us embrace our masculine identifying siblings and welcome them into our communities as our brothers in love. Let us embrace our feminine identifying siblings and welcome them int our communities as our sisters in love. And let us embrace our siblings whose gender is not known to us as our siblings in love. For in the end, we are all one in Dea's eyes and bound together in love.

Psychic Life: A Sketch and some Ramblings.

I had this post typed up and then all the text got eaten when I tried to save it. Here is a sketch of Loki that is in progress. It is on 50 lb weight paper. I used mechanical no. 2 pencil and prismacolor pens (brush and .005mm tip). I plan on filling in with colored pencils. I have a box of them in a wide array of colors from a wide array of brands (some going back to the 80s and the company is out of business). I drew this last night after getting frustrated with writing and attempting to be social on the internet. I felt like everything I was doing was going wrong. Loki told me to draw a picture, so I started this. I kinda felt a bit better about the world after that. (Please forgive my youngest's photobomb. He does this every time I go to take a picture.)

Loki and Freyr have been having some serious conversations with me. They revolve around the fact that I am not cured of my depression despite the fact that I'm beginning to feel better. Some of the conversations have been warning me not to place too high of a set of expectations and demands on myself. Some of the conversations have been encouraging me to get back to doing things that I love, like drawing. And there have been a great deal of 'If this doesn't start to get better soon, you really need to bring it up with your doctors.'

My ancestors have also been quite vocal over the last few weeks. They are telling me that I seriously need to get back into practicing magic on an everyday basis, as I did in the past. The argument is that it is going to give the extra push to help change my situation for the better because I'm accomplishing the best I can by pure willpower and mundane means. My familial ancestors have been exhorting me to not give up on improving my health and to continue to focus on things like exercise and stable blood sugar (which they say will help get some more of my bipolar issues under control and make it easier for me to sleep at night).

My spiritual ancestors have been pushing me to finish projects I started years ago and abandoned mostly completed because I was depressed. Mostly, these have been writing projects. some of them, however, are embroidery ones that I completely forgot I had. Embroidery was one of the first connections I felt to my ancestors. It seems fitting that I'm being exhorted to engage in it again as a devotional activity as well as a way to pray my anxiety away.

Recommendations: Fiber for Making Altar Cloths.

Dear Reader,

If you are inclined towards making your own altar and shrine cloths, it may be hard to pick out what manner of fabric to use, what kind of yarn is best, or even the type of fiber these projects should be worked in. While there is much to be said for the affordability of acrylic, it will melt when exposed to heat. Thus, if your candle drips onto your altar cloth there is a good chance that it will melt into the the fabric you have there. Many synthetics have this problem as well.

Silk is luxurious but very, very expensive. It also is difficult to care for or clean at home. Synthetic silks have the same problems as other synthetic fabrics and potentially the same issue with water causing problems with how well the dye remains in the fabric. Silk for embroidery details is nice, but be careful in your use because of the potential for the dyes to bleed into the rest of the fabric when it is washed.

Linen is a traditional fiber used for this manner of project. It is hard wearing and can stand up to just about any manner of use. It is, unfortunately, expensive to procure because of the costs of commercial production of linen fabric. Linen yarn is likely to be equally expensive, if not more so because most suppliers of linen yarn on the market are handspinners.

An inexpensive option that is almost as hard working as linen is cotton. The only real problem with cotton is the fact that certain dyes wash out easily and it shrinks upon washing. After a certain point, the shrinking of the fabric is at its maximum point, but you can easily lose a few inches off of a crochet project that just fit the altar surface perfectly. (I forgot to adjust yardage on a project and had this exact problem. Said cloth is now a pretty hand towel because it shrank by about 1.5 inches on the horizontal and vertical axis. Blocking out helps resolve some of this but it will not fully cure the problem, even if you are blocking it out wet every time you wash it.)

Wool is a tempting fiber to use. It is expensive to acquire as woven fabric of good quality. It is tricky to wash because wool will felt and shrink down if you wash it improperly. (Blocking out a felted wool item will not resolve the problem at all. Had this happen to a shawl, it was a loss of about 3 to 5 inches on the vertical and horizontal axis. The shawl is now a wide scarf.) It is easier to acquire as yarn for crafting at home. But, it is absolutely vital to wash your yarn as per the directions on the package to avoid massive problems due to felting, even with yarn that has been treated to be relatively safe from this, like most sock yarns.

Exotic yarns like alpaca and yak down are very expensive. They all have their own unique problems for use. If you decide to make something featuring these yarns, or other fibers that are expensive and delicate (see silk above), a secondary cloth to cover the ornamented main cloth made of a less expensive and protective fabric, like cotton, is needed this way if wax or liquid is spilled, it is possible to save the expensive fabric from damage.

I personally prefer to use cotton. I have some altar cloths that I have made from acrylic. After the mistake of using the cloth and having wax melt into it (and melting the fibers some), I have a cotton cloth I put beneath the candles and any containers holding liquid to protect the other cloth. My protective cover cloth is a white flour sack style towel. It is easily bleached to remove stains and durable. Cotton also takes most dyes, so it is possible to have these protective cloths in an array of colors that matches what you are using for your main altar cloth.

Video 13 & 14: Rosary Magic.

Dear Reader,

Rosaries have been used for prayer since antiquity. They are part of a long history of using a set of beads to count prayers and meditative phrases. Most people are familiar with the Catholic Christian rosary. The five decade rosary is the most commonly seen one and the practice of praying the rosary is associated with everything from holy devotion to Mary to penance for sins. The Catholic rosary is the inspiration of the Anglican four week prayer beads. Where the beads between the Our Father beads on a Catholic rosary has ten in number on the Anglican one there are seven.  It is argued that both were inspired by the Orthodox Christian prayer rope of 33 knots.

The Filianic rosary is structured quite similarly to the Catholic rosary. The terminal bead is not a cross or a crucifix. It can be a pentacle, as in the one that I show, or a goddess figure as I have on my one that I keep in my purse. The prayers are adapted from the Catholic rosary as that is what most people are familiar with. But there are new prayers being developed for the Filianic rosary by different sects of Filianism. I try to make a weekly habit of praying the Filianic rosary on Monday's (Sai Candrë's day). This is partly because I feel called to this form of devotion and partly because I feel that it is a valuable part of my prayer life that I can use to make changes in the world.

How can one make change through praying the rosary? Well, it is a form of magic. Repeated prayers with a focus upon a given change will encourage said change to happen in the universe. Doing so often makes that change more likely to happen faster.

The above video gives a rough overview of these matters. I also attempt to describe what I stated earlier.

This video is a sampling of my collection of rosaries. (This is actually only a small part of my collection.) I also begin to explain how to use a rosary. I discuss rosary prayers in my book Rose Petals: A Filianic Psalter. I'm currently working on a book discussing rosary prayers and rosary magic in specific. That should be available late Autumn/early Winter as an e-book.