Godspousery Notes: It is not my job to judge myself.

Dear Reader,

I've been struggling with self confidence issues in pretty much all areas of my life. It's gotten to the point that I have started mentally kicking myself for the fact that I have been falling behind in things like blogging here and the manuscript that I have been working on. It's been just all around an awful time for me. It started with my PTSD getting triggered when someone decided to scream at my kids. I had about two weeks where I was pretty spaced out and running on autopilot with not much recollection of what I did.

Beloved, my mortal spouse, pointed out to me that I was falling back into my bad habit of judging and demanding too much out of myself. I felt terrible about it. I have been trying very hard not to be so judgmental about my disability making it so hard to do things and the month of chronic migraine level headaches making it hard for me to keep up with the things I had planned for January. Last night, I was very upset. I felt like my college degree was useless. I felt like my aborted career in education was a sign that I was a perpetual failure. It was a very dark night for me in many senses. That was when Beloved told me that I was doing it again. At about the same time, Loki reminded me that feelings are not facts.

In my dreams last night, I was struggling with trauma memories. I was struggling with nightmares of failure and disaster coming from it. As I was doing my therapy journal writing, Freyr had something to say about it all. He just said one thing. It isn't my job to judge myself. Growing up in a household where I had to monitor everything I did and attempt to anticipate the mercurial whims of others, I developed a habit of judging myself to check if it met with the day's mood. It was difficult and while those skills and habits helped me cope with the shifting sands of my earlier years, they have proven very unhelpful and I've been attempting to unlearn them.

Loki has suggested that my maladaptive coping mechanisms can be turned into advantages if I delve deeply enough into them to rewire how I use them. He's recommended that I work with Odin on this. I've been avoiding that because I'm afraid of disappointing the All-Father with how broken I am. Loki, Freyr, and Beloved all insist that I'm not broken but injured and I have made lots of progress in healing. I don't see it, I just see a wall of panic and anxiety that gets in my way on a regular basis.

They have faith in me though I have little in myself right now. So, I shall try to do as they have asked because of that faith. I have a wealth of supporters in the spirit realms and a strong support network in the physical one. I just have to summon up the courage to reach out to them. It is hard to have c-ptsd, bipolar, and seasonal affective disorder when all three are active at the same time. My depression is fairly mild. I still can manage the basics of my day, I just feel like I'm doing them all wrong because I am not doing them in the manner that I was raised to do so.

I have to keep in mind that I no longer have to monitor myself for fear of some authority figure sweeping in and destroying my life or otherwise punishing me in horrific fashion. It is not my job to judge myself. I must leave that to wyrd and the gods. I am terrified that I'm going to make a misstep and destroy my relationships with the gods because they remain so patient with me, even when exasperated. That patience is hard to bear when you grow up in a situation where patience wasn't extended to you all that much. When excellence is expected at all times on the first attempt and failure was punished, regardless of the fact that you tried your hardest, after years of this, you fall into the habit of expecting such things everywhere you turn.

Hence imposter syndrome and anxiety at almost all turns right now. Loki and Freyr are watching over me and nudging things into my path that helps me work towards a healthier self.