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Yesterday was a very strange and busy day for me. I put my plants out because I am sure the danger of frost is passed. I did some writing out in the sunshine because it was near 72 deg. F. in the afternoon. I did a bunch of housework.
I tried to find it in me to do something celebratory for Beltaine and the feast of the Exaultation of the Lady. I simply could not do it because it was, sadly, the anniversary of my uncle's murder. It was among the topics that troubled me during the day.
Most years, I am relatively alright with my grief because I have mostly processed it. But, as the evening set in and I realized that I had been feeling a sense of guilt for trying to be happy and celebratory through the day, I realized that I truly wasn't finished grieving.
I sincerely wish you all happiness and joy during this season of growth and delight. I will join you in merriment after I have had a bit of time to reestablish a sense of balance again.
I truly believe that my uncle is at a place of peace and happiness now. Perhaps he has moved onto his next life or perhaps he resides in the paradise of his faith. I still grieve him in my way despite the fact that I didn't know him as well as I wished to have. And I am still deeply angered with the men who killed him. Some people have said that I should be one of the people who approves of capital punishment because of this case.
I don't, however, because it is state sanctioned murder. I can not condone revenge killing when we can not be sure that every case is truly an exact case of justice being served. There are countless people who are on death row and among them is an unknown number of innocent souls. I'd prefer my taxes pay to house and care for all of them than for one innocent soul to be murdered by the state for the sake of justice. Because that isn't justice. That is petty revenge carried out by proxy.
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