Struggling with depression sucks.

 Dear Reader,

I've not been sleeping well over the last while. My doctor adjusted my medication but it doesn't seem to be helping as much as I thought it would be. My mood is dropping and I find myself struggling with thoughts like I should give up on my blogs and all of my writing projects because depression lies to me and tells me that it is all going nowhere fast.

My anxiety has been rather high which leads to me over thinking the prospect of writing anything at all. It's at a point that even writing in my daily journal about the random stuff the kids do and what happens in the neighborhood provokes a mini-panic attack. Fortunately, I will be talking with my doctor next week and figuring out the next step to addressing this problem. 

I feel really guilty that I haven't been writing here or on my other blogs. I sit down to write and I get so full of anxiety and fear that the words just go out of my head. Right now, I'm half tempted to delete this whole thing because "no one wants to listen to you whine." My big Camp NaNoWriMo project only got four pages done through out the entire month. That was supposed to be the Lokean devotional project. I sit down to work on it and I get afraid that I'm going to write everything wrong and that some one is going to lob a brick through my window for daring to go so far as to write about this.

It's a combination of C-PTSD from how I was raised and my performance anxiety colliding with each other and leaving me virtually paralyzed on how to act. I am not going to give up on these things. I'm struggling and my brain is like jello right now. I've got about as much focus as a goldfish. All I want to do is sleep, in part because I'm not sleeping well and in part because I am depressed again.

It is hard to do things when your disability smacks you in the face with a halibut. That, however, is where I'm at right now. Hopefully, after a little bit, I'll be doing better and back to daily writing.