Moura 2025 CE: Day 9

 I apologize for not posting over the last few days. Life here has been somewhat chaotic. My father-in-law died Wednesday night in his sleep. The kids are still in a state of shock. Beloved is working very hard to make sure that his late father's wishes are respected in death by the extended family. (There's a few people trying to big foot it and assume charge over matters in complete ignorance of what the man wanted.) Beloved's siblings are working just as hard and all three of them are doing their best to support their mother, who is beside herself with grief.

I didn't sleep well last night. The concept of Beloved dying and being no longer physically present in my life disturbed me deeply. The only reason I got to thinking about that was because my parents-in-law met as children and were married almost 55 years. While Beloved is in relatively good health (as am I when all things are considered), the thought of this person I adore suddenly being gone from my life is heartbreaking. Given my very vivid imagination, the nightmares were rather realistic and tragic.

While typically, Beloved's snoring is a bit annoying, I am relieved and thankful to hear it right now. It grounds me in reality where I still have my little family and that we're all ok.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 5

 Not a very long post today. The kids are recovered from the flu. They went to school today. The weather was unseasonably warm for the last two days but it seems to have melted some of the ice covering everything underneath the snow. I'm not looking forward to later this week when the temperature plunge back down and things freeze again. 

There is a state wide road salt shortage. Stores are limiting bags of salt to two per household. Beloved tried to get an additional bag for his parents but was denied because the cashier recognized him from earlier. He may try again this evening on his way to his parents' place after work. The salt mine a few towns over is operating 24 hours in an effort to relieve some measure of the shortage. There's been advertisements in the paper that they're on a big hiring blitz. 

Working there is a hard job but they pay well and have a good benefits package from what I hear. Strong unions for the workers set up a good deal with the company. Snow plowing hasn't been like last year. The county roads are pretty messy because something was wrong in the language of the county's paperwork bidding for a contract from the state to handle the bigger roads. As a result, they've been paying their workers out of the county highway budget, not the package they were expecting from the state. It's been a challenge. Things are being renegotiated and I'm hoping it will get settled out before we get walloped with another nasty storm.

I've been resting a lot today because I am the last one to get over the flu. My guts are not in utter rebellion, which is a good thing. If this pervasive exhaustion would go away, I'd be happy. I almost didn't post my daily prayers on Tumblr but I got myself organized enough to do it by the time the afternoon rolled around. I figure if I get it posted before the end of the day, there's hope for me yet. I've been doing my best to put aside my anger with people from my Beloved's side of the family in the face of Beloved's father impending death due to complications from fatty liver disease. It's been a challenge but I seem to be pulling it off so far.

Snuggle Bug and Cuddle Bear (they're teens and are going to hate these monikers but I'm going to keep using them) are handling things ok. Snuggle Bug's immediate concerns are the kids at school that keep giving him grief over things like his style of clothes and haircut. Cuddle Bear has started talking about learning to drive. At 17, I expected the topic to come up. I am hoping that he can enroll in the school's driver's education class before he graduates this June. But that's what's on my mind today and how things are going.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 4

 I had planned to log in and update my blogs. Then the flu took my whole household out at the knees. I spent most of my day stumbling around trying to take care of sick kids and it was rough. I am really hoping that Snuggle Bug (my youngest) didn't pass this virus on to the kid next door when they were playing on Thursday. Beloved was the first one to get this and we thought it was food poisoning. Bright an early Friday morning, he was getting sick and actually called out of work. Beloved never does that, which told me he felt awful. 

Saturday morning, I was optimistic that the flu vaccine covered the strain that was knocking the kids down and had Beloved sick in bed. Jump to the middle of the day and I discovered I was wrong. About when I was feeling awful, Beloved started feeling better and took over managing symptoms for our household. Neither of us had eaten all day, which had me concerned because Beloved and I have diabetes. Not eating when you have that is not a good thing.

When he got home with the groceries as I spent my time sitting on the couch with a bucket and my head swimming I saw that he had picked up the apple juice I requested and ice pops. My dinner last night was ice pops. My thinking was the ice pops were light enough on my tender stomach to stay down and would melt slow enough that my body would adjust to it instead of expelling it at full velocity. I am fortunate enough to say that theory was proven correct. Drinking liquids wasn't fun because it kept making me sick to my stomach.

This morning I seem to be doing better. The kids are definitely doing better as is Beloved. I still have two sinkfuls of dishes to wash and pots sitting on the stove. I feel well enough to do them, it is my hesitant plan to spend time cleaning up the kitchen on that basis. I am tired but I am keeping breakfast down which gives me hope that I am on the mend.

I did a little bit of dusting on my altar before the flu hit me like a brick to the face. After that, I had zero energy and lots of stomach cramps. This did not bode well for feeling anything remotely like comfortable. My hernia still aches from all of that cramping. I wasn't my typical stubborn self and trying to force myself to get chores done as I felt awful. I like to think this is a sign that I am making progress breaking that habit, but if I'm being honest, I just felt that awful and spaced out from the fever that I spent a lot of my day yesterday staring into space.

Today, Beloved is certain he is symptom free. This is a good thing because he needs to stop by his parents' place to take care of them for several hours as his brother takes a break. My parents-in-law are not doing well. We've all been doing our best to support them, but it's hard. Earlier last week, it looked like my father-in-law was going to die in a few days. As such, Beloved took the day off work and we brought the kids up to the hospital to see him. The old guy was just sleeping due to pain medication and liver toxicity. Fatty liver disease runs in Beloved's side of the family and it's caught up with my father-in-law.

It's made things challenging. The man has stopped resisting efforts to help him. I know that is a big blow to his pride. He came home to die in his home instead of at the hospital or hospice care. This lead to big thoughts about what is a good death. The man is in a lot of pain from the fall that sent him to the hospital on Amity day. That was when they checked his liver enzymes and saw they were high. He was frustrated with the side effects of the medicines that he had been on to flush the toxins out and finally decided he had enough. So, aside from pain medicine, he is off of all of his medications. 

Fortunately, during the week a hospice nurse is coming in to help take care of him. This is a big improvement in quality of life than what he had before going into the hospital. Before it was just Beloved and his siblings doing their best to manage the situation. Now that some of the stress of caring for their parents is off of them, they have more of an opportunity to come to grips with what is happening.

I am concerned for Beloved. He's been putting on a brave front but dealing with very complicated feelings. Things are not good between him and his father. Since the old man is sleeping all the time, they're not bickering. I think that makes things easier for Beloved. At the same time, it's disheartening to see your parent dying before your eyes and being utterly helpless to do anything about it. We're all doing our best to respect the old man's agency and see that his wishes for his final days are met, but there's some complicated stuff that needs to get covered that I suspect isn't going to happen before he dies.

It's all a big heap of a mess, and that was before we all got sick yesterday. I wish I could do more than provide moral support. But there's literally nothing more I can do. The doctors say he has a few days to a few weeks. This is not easy for the kids to handle. They've a close relationship with their grandfather and have been doing their best to cope with what's going on by distracting themselves with their computers. It's a healthy approach, although I could do with out the barrage of angry cat noises as they laugh at cats doing stuff like falling into water and knocking over toddlers.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 2

 Moura Day, which was yesterday, had me busy with minding tasks to keep my household on an even keel. With the death of our beloved pet fish named Snap (he was a betta that lived a long life), the kids are disappointed but hoping that our next betta fish lives longer. Today, I will be cleaning out the tank and doing a ton of dishes because I went on a cooking binge on Wednesday. The entire pan of brownies that I made are gone, except for two. But the neighbors and their kids helped with that. It was a big pan of brownies that I thought was going to last longer than two days. I was wrong.

By pure coincidence, I spent Moura Day in meditation on the subject of death. It happened that the fish died that day and that my father in law, who has been living with liver failure, is actively dying now. I don't know how things are going to go on that front. The hospital said he may have a few days or a few weeks. Today is the man's birthday and I believe he's still alive but in pain and miserable. It's an awful way to have your birthday pass. Amity Day came and went with him in the hospital for a fall. That was when they discovered his liver enzymes were high. He decided that he was done with treatment for his liver failure and that's when life got complicated (Tuesday).

To say the least, the kids are upset that their grandfather is dying. They have a close relationship with him. I am doing my best to support them, Beloved, his siblings, and his mother. There isn't really much I can do but hold space and be a shoulder for people to cry on as needed. I have been praying with gratitude that I came out of the year long depressive episode in time to be of assistance. I truly believe that was a blessing.

My altar is coated in dust and spiderwebs. (The apartment has a dust problem due to the paint that was used and it has always driven me batty.) So, if I can today, I will be cleaning everything up there. I still have the earth tones colored altar cloth on it that I use for the season of Moura. It will, quite obviously, need cleaned as well. I know that Déa is merciful and forgiving, as well as understanding of the challenges that have lead me to neglect the altar. I still feel badly that it is in the state it is in.

I have no great conclusions on the topic of death. Except that death is complicated and simple at the same time, much like life. I suspect that I will be looking at this topic through the lens of what is happening in my family. I have been praying that Déa will be kind and that Sai Kala will come for my father in law soon. The man is suffering and, as much as I dislike him, I don't think that is a good death. A death with pain and agony is ill fated, regardless of what happens to the soul after it has shuffled off the mortal coil. I don't wish that on any living being. I recognize it happens very often, but that does not make it good. It only makes it common.

Posting to Resume Soon

 Hi everybody!

I have finally crawled my way out of a major depressive episode. It took a long time and a lot of prayer, but I made it. I am profoundly thankful for the antidepressants that my doctor prescribed. Bipolar is a real bear to deal with. I think this depressive episode was longer and deeper than the last one, which Beloved seems to agree on. My sense of time is rather scrambled and I am struggling to remember what plans I had made for this blog. After flailing a bit on this front last week, I said forget it and I'll just make new plans. Which is what I'm working on.

I don't have any posts in line right now to auto load this week. As the kids are on winter break, it's going to be a bit challenging to get them done. While they are teens, they still need some supervision and guidance. I can't just throw myself into writing all day and ignore the world around me. This is a thing I do when I get into the 'zone' as I am working. I start in the morning and next thing I know, it's time for the kids to get home from school.

If you have something that you're interested in seeing up here on this blog, drop me a comment on this post. I am willing to tackle most any topic within the scope of witchcraft and religion on here. Occult studies is one of my passions as well. Also, if anyone has any book recommendations, comment. I am looking for witchy books to read and review. Until next week, I hope everyone is warm, safe, and doing well. Thanks for your readership and I will be doing more work in the near future. Right now, it's time to plan.