Endings & Beginnings

Some meandering on the personal side of the ledger, I have to confess I feel terrible in multiple ways right now. Physically, I'm sick with what my primary care doctor insists is a virus. All I know is that my chest hurts from coughing pretty constantly for the last two months. It may have been back to back viruses or this is something else. Either way, I feel pretty horrible and exhausted from it all.

My mental health has not been that great because my Seasonal Affective Disorder has been kicking me in the teeth and my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has been doing the same at the same time. Today is particularly hard because it is an anniversary date of one of the many sexual assaults I had experienced in the past. Being depressed and prone to dissociation has made this month very hard for me to function on the most basic levels. It's exponentially harder as tasks become more complex like generating content for this and my other blogs. We won't talk about how writing is going, except to say that it is not really happening right now because I can't focus on it.

I have a great deal of anxiety over what the coming year will bring. I know some of this is just because I have anxiety problems. Some of this is because there are legitimate things to be anxious over that range from household details to questioning just what manner of disaster the supposed leadership of my homeland are engaged in. Some have the luxury of saying it wouldn't effect them but there are many people like my family and friends who are deeply effected by things like the farce of tax reform and the long range impact of the disaster in Puerto Rico on things like medical supplies.

So, the year ends with my feeling awful in the sense of negative feelings of distress.

At the same time, I am making plans for next year. I am trying to live in a place of hope. I may not feel it right now, but I can behave as if it is a thing. Through that behavior, I shall build habits to rectify some of the bad habits I developed over the course of a long depressive episode this year. I have decided that 2018 is the year that I get things done. This is my unofficial motto. I'm working on my health. I'm going to finally finish those projects I planned to make for myself. And I'm going to finish some books that have been sitting in various stages of completion. On my list of things I am going to get done this year is I am going to resume posting here.

I'm going to make some changes to posting schedule and topics. There will be some changes to my format for some of the regular post topics. I'm going to do my best to get this to a high quality level of content again and regular production of said content. This being sick and not doing any of this is just unacceptable. So, I am going to do my best to change it.

It is Sai Herthe's day. This is a day within the Déanic and Filianic communities that we cleanse our homes spiritually and seal them against the forces of evil. Rituals vary. The one that I prefer is to walk through all the rooms of my home with a candle to drive out the darkness. And then with a bit of incense to drive out the essence of evil. I follow this by ringing a bell to chase away the bad luck of the old year. I then place my candle on my altar and let it's light empower a sphere of protection around my home. When the candle burns out, the light powering the sphere of protection transfers to pure spirit.

Godspousery Notes: But * I * Don't Like IT.

Ever have an argument with your significant other about what you should have for dinner? Or, better yet, an argument with your child about what you should have for dinner? A suggestion gets made that is super healthy but you (or the small person in question) just don't want to have that. The more the disagreement extends out, the more entrenched it seems to become. Now imagine having such an argument with a deity. It doesn't work out too great.

I'm not saying they will force the issue. You have free will, after all, but they will make it unavoidable. So, Saturday evening, I had the equivalent of arguing over if I was going to eat my Lima beans with Loki and Freyr. They told me I needed to let go control over my various aspects to be more genuine and authentic. I argued that it made me extremely uncomfortable. Cut to the long list of various things that I have to do that are uncomfortable for my health and well being. And then the long list of things that I do that are uncomfortable but I do them for pleasure.

In the end, I was left with the fact that I was whining about not wanting to do something that was good for me because I didn't like doing it and it squicked me out. And both of them reminded me that needs are a higher priority than wants. As well as the truism that feelings are not facts. Thus, my desire to be in absolute control over myself all the time was of lower priority than my mental health. And my feelings that there was something wrong with me, thus I had to be in complete control all the time are incorrect and not facts.

The time after that is something of a blur. I remember writing something. I remember picking out a brand new notebook to write in for this. When I re-read what I wrote, it felt weird. It wasn't like writing when I'm eyeballs deep in the writing process. It was like reading someone else's writing, complete with some changes to my hand writing. It was uncomfortable. But, it is something I need to do on a regular basis, as per their very strong encouragement. Weirdly, afterwards, I slept better than I had in the last week. Like something that needed resolved started to have some progress on it or something.

Thursday Video Post

I apologize for no transcript for this post. I basically natter on about how I'm coping with life right now. I'm wearing my dark glasses because I currently have a migraine. The music in the background is something random from Dan Gibson's Celtic Awakening cd.

Books and stuff.

Hello everyone!

I sincerely hope that the winter has started well for you all. I am finding myself finally on the mend from the string of ailments that rolled over me last month. Cold and flu season is the worst, but I think I caught everything so I will be fine for the rest of the season. I attempted to write a novel, but was too sick to really do that even.

So, I have been editing and revising works. As of this weekend, I have a new edition of A Year with Dea up. In the next few weeks, I will also be putting up a prayer journal for the Filianic season of Advent. I will also be setting up some templates for if you are working on a paper journal and don't need the prompts in the book version.

As I am working on future works, I would deeply appreciate your support in a financial fashion. Your donations will help fund research and development of new texts. A portion of those donations will also go towards charity, as they will fund the baby hats I am making for the local NICU. It is my hope to branch out to making hats and/or scarves for the homeless this winter. In a little bit, I will be posting more about this outreach effort of mine.