Godspousery Notes: Don't give up.

I have been very depressed and anxious of late. The joys of a mixed episode, I suppose. Just as I have my lowest days, messages come along through some of the most random directions. Memes that on any other day would have just been scrolled past suddenly become relevant. Comments on cat pictures suddenly are applicable to my situation (that one confused me a great deal). And sometimes my news feed on my phone gets hijacked to link me to articles that are exactly what I need to be reading at that very moment.

The reassurance is deeply appreciated. I've been having a hard time feeling their presence. Sometimes, out the corner of my eye, I may see Loki leaning against the door just watching me as I'm doing something like cooking dinner. Just a brief glance that I could have dismissed as my eyes playing tricks on me. It's a thing Loki does from time to time when he really wants my attention. Usually, I don't see Loki. I may hear him, but I don't see him.

Tonight, I had that flash of vision. He was standing there looking almost somber. Then he vanished. And I heard him ask me, "Why did you stop writing again? What's wrong?" I hyper focused on cooking because I was uncomfortable. Loki is, if nothing else, patient. The moment I was no longer distracting myself, he asked me again why I wasn't writing. There was no chiding tone. There was no stern voice of 'you must do this if you are going to meet your goals.' Just that simple pair of questions.

I don't know how to answer that question. I realized, however, I had to write to get some of the mental pressure off of me. Hence this post and my work on a few other projects this evening. I am struggling to find away to communicate and words to encompass what I am struggling with. It is quite likely that I am over complicating something, again, which is a thing I do when I am anxious. It is a vicious cycle. Some days, Loki will throw something absurd in my direction to break that cycle. Other days, it is just standing there and asking a direct question.

The thing about his questions, you could try to lie. But in the end, he'll keep asking until the lies all run out. Because you can't lie to the Lie Smith forever, he knows ALL of them and can see right through them. After all, he IS the Lie Smith. So, I just sit with the uncomfortable questions and cogitate on them until an answer comes to me. Nine times out of ten, the answer is more for myself than it is for him. It makes me wonder if Loki and Socrates would sit there asking each other questions until the heat death of the universe if given the opportunity.