What's going on?

Dear Reader,

It may be apparent that my life is in some crisis again. I am feeling rather despondent about this diabetes diagnosis. It is exhausting to count every bite. It is also entirely necessary that I do so, thus I really have no choice in the matter. I find myself grieved by it all. The struggle against preexisting eating issues is all the more pitched now because I can't just eat like the rest of the family and ignore the voice at the back of my head telling me to starve myself.

This has lead me to start asking questions again that I haven't in a long while. I find myself asking about the nature of good and evil. I find myself asking about the nature of the world at large and why people do horrible things. Scripture reading just leads to more questioning. Divination leads to more questioning. It is an unending spiral that condenses down to two things. Anxiety and terror. Distracting myself with questions about the nature of everything is a way to avoid looking at the anxiety and terror I feel about having yet another chronic illness to manage, one that I know very little about and I know can be lethal. It is right up with the frantic exercise that I threw myself into last week trying desperately to force my blood sugar levels down with that. (One week of frantic exercise after months of being laid up due to a broken rib is severely unpleasant and exhausting. It may be the reason why my feet hurt right now, I'm honestly not sure.)

I find myself in the middle of a spiritual crisis right now. I call out to the gods but I'm so tangled up in my fear and confusion that I can't hear their answers. Thus, they find other ways to answer. Hence the incident this afternoon where an article popped up on my phone talking about how another author found themselves in a similar level of crisis. The solution was to keep working, make a point of planning their day out and sticking with routines, and being persistent. It brought tears to my eyes.

I may not be sure about the nature of good and evil. But I know that the gods are good to me.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, if you are so inclined. I would be most thankful.

♥