I have a problem with anxiety. It gets in my way rather often. With the current state of affairs of my nation, I am struggling with heaps of it. As a result, I find myself trying to diminish my expression and limit how much I say in the hopes of not repeating the horrific harassment that I endured when I was younger. It is a daily struggle for me.
I was quibbling with myself over weather or not to write some things today when Freyr calmly said, "Are you a writer or not?" I answered that I was indeed a writer. He then asked me why I wasn't writing. It's been a discussion we have had on several fronts and on several different occasions. It always boiled down to "are you YOU or not? why are you not acting like YOU?"
It is always an awkward moment when you are getting called out for not acting like yourself. Especially when you are in your own home, technically alone. It is especially awkward when you are called out for not acting like yourself, when you're home alone not to be disturbed for several hours, and there are to be no negative consequences except for making yourself feel bad.
Did I mention that Freyr has sternly told me that I shouldn't be making myself feel bad for being myself? I have a taboo about this. It's on my list of things to be working with my therapist with. It's on my list of things to meditate and work with my spirit companions on healing. At the same time, when I have days that I get so caught up in anxiety and fear that I am not conscious of the fact that I am breaking my taboo.
Fortunately, Freyr is kind enough to remind me. Though it is usually with a droll comment, something that is directly to the point but also with enough dry humor to make me pause and chuckle. And breaking that tension and anxiety with a laugh is often a big part of what I need to get moving forward on things.
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