Still unwell, still not sure what I'm doing.

Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for sticking with me. I had things go sideways with my appointment with my psychiatrist. A scheduling bug in their system deleted my appointment for this month.That meant that I drove to his office for a ten second "Here's your prescription and we do have your test results in." discussion with him instead of having the opportunity to address the problems I am dealing with right now. I was highly annoyed. I am going to be confirming my appointment for October is in the schedule.

Because of the combination of my complex-post-traumatic stress disorder, my bipolar disorder, and my seasonal affective disorder acting up, my brain is like scrambled eggs half the time. I am barely keeping up with things like the dishes and laundry right now. Creative work is at a just about standstill because my anxiety is an awful critic and telling me that everything I am writing (or ever have written) is garbage. To say the least, it is distressing and not conducive towards things like daily blog posts.

I have been making plans to observe seasonal holidays but things happen and I feel as though I am a bad devotee because I haven't been able to do so. I have to stop and remind myself, these things are for us, not the gods. The gods are complete in themselves and they don't need us to engage in rituals. The rituals are there for us to draw closer to them.

I still feel badly about not performing the rituals and not being as through in my daily prayer practices. On the godspousery front, my beloveds are concerned about the situation with my depression. They have been pushing me hard to do things like write this post and keep up on my therapeutic journal writing. I'm still struggling to find a therapist who will take my health insurance. Honestly, I'm pretty close to giving up on that front because of how hard it is. I've been looking for a year now and I had one close success. Then the insurance company decided they weren't going to pay the therapist their fees and I was asked not to come back.

I'm doing stupid things on Twitter (my handle is @Lady_Brythwen ) like coming up with bad pitches to an imaginary agent and bad book titles in an attempt to cheer myself up. it's not working so great. I'm still working on my charity knitting. I have a rainbow colored scarf that is almost done. I am hunting through my yarn stash for nice yarn to use for the preemie hats. I don't like using sock yarn because it doesn't do as good of a job for keeping the heat in. So far this year, I have donated around 35 preemie hats and about 5 scarves. (I knit a lot slower than I can crochet.) These are helping keep some of the anxiety I have under control, but it is getting crunchy right now.

Please keep me in your thoughts.