Since my confession earlier, I've gotten a few questions on how exactly I maintain the relationships I do and how on Earth do they work. I'm going to attempt to answer the questions but this is all pertaining to MY relationships. Other people's relationships are going to be different. There's two big reasons for this. First, they're different people so the way they communicate and handle everything regarding a relationship is going to be different from mine. Second, I have a lot of emotional and psychological ... baggage* that I deal with on a daily basis and it colors pretty much everything to some extent.
Now, the first thing I have to say about my relationships with deities is that they fall on the more human styled side of the ledger. I tend to view deities as persons with discrete personalities (some with different ones for different aspects shown). All of the possible relationships that you can have with someone on the mundane day to day level are possible with deities. All of the stuff that arises from personalities interacting, communication issues, and people being people is going to be present in these relationships. I've yet to find an experience with any deity that doesn't fit this mold. (I'm sure now that I have said this, there will be something that comes along and blows this statement out of the water. Because stuff like that happens.)
With Freyr, I did my level best to avoid godspousery. I kept going 'no, we're just friends' but, that didn't stay that way. He romanced his way into my heart. I was courted. There really isn't a better word for it. He made little things land in my path that were tokens of affection, help when I didn't anticipate it, and encouragement when I was feeling low. He did more than just be a supportive friend. He spoke to me in the sweetest of ways (and this can be taken in multiple fashions, so I'll leave that up to you) and he was persistent. In many ways, Freyr's pursuit of me was like Beloved's. He out-stubborned me and found his way past my barriers to pick up the fragile parts of me and love them. This has been a theme between him and I ever since. (Did I mention that Freyr is very patient when he chooses to be and he will use strategy to outmaneuver you when he deems it necessary?)
Every once in a while, I get anxious and I start to try to shut down things. He breaks through my mental walls like they were just dry-wall in his way. Sure, it creates a minor hindrance but if you're determined to get through it, it will break. And when you have some force to put behind your effort, it will give very quickly. Using the dry-wall analogy, let me go a bit farther here. I get anxious and throw up my dry-wall bulwarks. He decides that this is not going to happen and will either take the sheets off of where I put them or kick them out to get to me. The former happens when he is feeling patient. The latter happens when there is a sense of urgency. Does this mean I don't have boundaries with him? No. But when I start trying to cut myself off emotionally from the world around me, he breaks through my mental walls and then guides me out.
(Loki will just break through those walls like he's the Kool-Aid man and then grab a hold of me and drag me out. More about Loki in a minute, though.)
Freyr will just hang out with me when I'm doing stuff around the house. When I say that I see him or feel him with me, it is psychic impressions. Though there have been times where I felt physical contact with out a physical person being there. (Getting kissed that way is very confusing.) A lot of the stuff we do happens on that psychic level. I know that the naysayers would declare that this is my over active imagination or hallucinations happening. To them, I have two things to say. One, my imagination produces horrors 9 times out of 10, happy things doesn't pop up except in rare cases. Two, I've experienced hallucinations. I am intimately familiar with my hallucinations and I have has psychic stuff still happen despite the fact that I was on very powerful anti-hallucinogenic medications. Y'all's doubt really can't hold a candle to this one, sorry.
When I'm out walking, I feel him with me. I feel him holding my hand at times. We will talk or we'll be quiet. When we talk, it is through psychic stuff most of the time because I don't want the normals to look at me like I'm insane. Yes, he can hear my thoughts. And yes, that does get me into trouble at times. When he catches me in my negative thought cycle, he'll call me on my bullshit and he'll force me to take a step back and look at things from a more realistic lens. And, yes, we have argued. The reason why we have argued is most often I am doing something that is unhealthy for me and insisting that I need to do it. I don't win those arguments. But, arguments don't happen that often. Freyr is more one to cut me off at the pass before I can get my heels dug in and gently but firmly push me in the right direction for my welfare.
Great example of this would be a few days ago when I decided that I wasn't going to eat lunch. I have problems with food, namely when I get super stressed out, I start to starve myself because I feel like that is the only thing I can control in my life. I was set to not eat lunch and derp around on the computer when Freyr said 'Go eat.' I said I was going to do it later. He retorted I should do it now. At which point both the computers I was working on crashed, the pen I was writing with stopped working, and the book I was writing in fell off the desk and landed on the floor in such a manner that I couldn't find my page. I thought about persisting in my refusal when I got a stern look from him and the pantry cupboard with the cans of soup in it opened by itself. To say the least, I stopped being stubborn and ate some soup. That is usually how disagreements between him and I go. I'm deciding not to do something good for me and he takes away all of my distractions and then drops exactly what I was trying to avoid right into my proverbial lap.
And then there is Loki. Because it is Loki, it is a complicated and kinda confusing mess for me. It was literally decades of my being infatuated and him telling me, "I'm not into you that way." In the midst of all this, we built up a solid, but weird, friendship. I was at the type of friendship where you casually insult your friend as a joke and the return with an even more vulgar one as a joke. Some people would have been horrified by this. But, it worked for Loki and I.
Then in late August, things changed. I am still getting used to this change. I had finally managed to get myself to the point where I wasn't mooning over him. I had the moments of 'Damn, he is attractive!' but I had gotten to the point where I wasn't utterly distracted by them. They just became part of the background noise of things between him and I. And then the way he looked at me changed. It wasn't a soft, sweet romantic thing. He didn't start doing the roses, champagne, and chocolates kinda thing.
No, Loki went from being the gleeful asshat who trolled me on a regular basis, gave weird but super effective solutions to problems, and dropped the worst puns at the worst times to being the exact type of sadist I have always fantasized over. (Yes, there is S/m involved and other kink stuff too. No, I'm not giving all the details. If you know where to look, you'll find the stuff he had me write about it. No, I'm not giving links here.) I was convinced that it was my projecting my desires on to him. I was convinced that I was reading into things. I basically was running in mental circles screaming 'THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!' because I didn't want to be the 'special snowflake' or lumped in with the fangirls.
Loki laughed at that. That really was my first warning that this was legit. And then he started manipulating things around me. I went from not remembering my dreams (which had been going on for a while due to my PTSD issues) to suddenly remembering them with such clarity that I could almost feel them happening when I thought about it. The dreams were not all happy romance. No, they were a mixture of him hitting my kink buttons with disturbing accuracy, him challenging me with respect to my poor self care skills, and something that I couldn't define at first. It took me several months to realize that he was doing more than just using the fact that he knew where all the proverbial bodies were buried to get me to look in the mirror of myself or that he knew all the mental buttons to push to get a response out of me. I realized that he was feeding some deep seated pyschological needs that I had been denying for years.
And, honestly, that scared the shit out of me. Having decades of denial that there was a need being thrown back in my face was terrifying. Having the bad coping methods I had used in the past stop working over night (literally) was equally terrifying. At the same time, even as he was scaring me near witless, he was handling me with care. He was loving in a manner that I didn't think was possible. And, because I have issues with stuff like that, I was scared. When I start to erect my mental walls, Freyr may dismantle them or kick them in. Loki, however, is the one who will burn them down around me even as he breaks through them. So, I don't have the moment of "I can hide here. Wait, how did you get here?" that I get with Freyr. No, I have the realization that I am trapped before Loki grabs a hold of me and drags me out.
I know that Loki's doing that on purpose. Freyr is doing his best to get me to see the reason and logic behind the argument that I am putting myself into a box and restricting myself needlessly. Loki, well, Loki is showing me just how bad of an idea that is even as he is ripping me out of it. And Loki doesn't just do stuff like rip me out of my mental hiding places and force me to look at myself. He's done it and all but thrown me at Freyr because I had started avoiding Freyr because of my anxiety issues. (It's happened several times, I regret to report.)
Loki is also making a point of showing Freyr where the proverbial bodies are and what buttons to push. This has made things... disconcerting. Freyr has started pushing mental buttons in his own way and it has been both delightful and disturbing at the same time. And Loki finds this amusing. So he encourages more of it to happen. Because the thinking between them, if I understand it rightly, is that they can always use pleasure as both a reward and a goad to get me moving in the right direction. All at the same time as they are teaching me that there's nothing wrong with enjoying myself. (I have massive, massive problems with this and letting myself be happy.)
That's basically what's going on right now between them and I. I'll post something more about the devotional stuff I do later this weekend.
~*~*~*~*~*~
* I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder in spades from the many different traumas I experienced in my life. I also have bipolar and some major self-esteem problems. It effects pretty much all parts of my life. I'd give examples but they're not pretty and, honestly, it requires a level of openness that I'm not ready to show right now. Just take my word on it, the stuff that has me disabled is horrific and I've been told by professionals that my mental health problems are functionally equivalent to someone who has been in a war zone.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Youtube videos.
I have begun the process of uploading my videos to Youtube. I will post a link to my channel when I have the entire set up. I am considering additional videos as exclusive Youtube content. I will let you know what the final decision is on that one after the holidays. Considering that it is the holiday season, I don't anticipate having all of the videos up until early January.
I will still try to do my weekly video message. I may even show off gifts I'm going to be giving people as I get them done. (But don't let them know, it is supposed to be a surprise!)
Speaking of crafting, I have not forgotten about the snood pattern. I simply haven't had the opportunity to sit down and work out how I made them. I will, after the holidays most likely, be getting that up. It will be posted on my non-witchery blog. I anticipate posting several patterns on there next month, actually, because I'm taking notes as to how I am making things this time around.
I will still try to do my weekly video message. I may even show off gifts I'm going to be giving people as I get them done. (But don't let them know, it is supposed to be a surprise!)
Speaking of crafting, I have not forgotten about the snood pattern. I simply haven't had the opportunity to sit down and work out how I made them. I will, after the holidays most likely, be getting that up. It will be posted on my non-witchery blog. I anticipate posting several patterns on there next month, actually, because I'm taking notes as to how I am making things this time around.
Video Message: Ask for Help.
This week's video message strays off the main topics of this blog. I do so for a good reason. Depression during the holiday season is remarkably common. People around us are suffering through it and attempting to put on their best facade of holiday cheer because they don't want us to judge them or they don't want us to have our holiday joy dampened. (Actually, there are a lot more reasons for why people with depression will hide their symptoms. These are two of the many reasons why I and several folks I know do so.)
If you are struggling with depression this time of year like I am, don't get angry or upset with yourself. Don't, for goodness sake, tell yourself that there is something wrong with you because you don't have the 'holiday spirit', please be kinder than that. With the enormous emphasis this time of year upon the 'Hallmark Christmas' it is easy for people with depression to feel cut off from everyone else. It is easy to feel like you simply don't have a place. Depression does this to us to begin with but the fact that you're moving counter current to the expectations of the season makes it worse.
Please, get help. It is a tremendous act of courage to speak out about your struggle. Getting help for my depression and other mental illnesses has probably been one of the hardest things I have done in all my life. Don't suffer needlessly. Take time to take care of yourself. Treat yourself gently and get the help that you need to get through the depression. You are important in this world. With out you, countless lives would be lesser and a great deal of good would not have happened in this world.
You deserve all the loving care that you can get when you are ill. Depression is no less serious than more physical illnesses like pneumonia. Just as you would make sure you took all the proper steps to recover from something like pneumonia, please do the same for your depression. Don't worry about how it may look to somebody else. This is definitely the time to disregard the haters, if ever there was one. The manufactured 'joy' of the season is exhausting for folks who are in good health. It is doubly so when you are unwell. So, don't try to make yourself a part of that.
Recognize that your feelings are legitimate. Depression is painful, scary, and exhausting. You are not alone in this. There are countless other people who are fighting the same fight this time of year for a dizzying array of reasons. Be one of the ones who gets the help they need, because you shouldn't be suffering like this. ♥
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Blasting stones.
In the process of my study of the 'dark' side of magic, I found myself reading about nithing poles and related items from different cultures. This got me to thinking and questioning, is it possible to have an item that is charged with a general purpose or a specified curse that would be released upon being thrown. (Don't ask me how I made that leap, I am not sure myself how I got there to be honest.) This resulted in my tinkering a bit and doing some experimentation.
After a bit of experimentation, I came up with what I call blasting stones. My set of blasting stones are glass pebbles that you can get at a craft store. I haven't found the right type of stones to use for this purpose. I know that when I do, the glass pebbles are getting replaced. I used an odd number of stones because in my experimentation, I found that things that are oddly numbered and dissonant lend themselves better towards this kind of thing. When writing a curse, I will make a point of making sure it doesn't rhyme or have some sort of musical quality to it. (The number of curses that I have made that break this little 'rule' of mine numbers in the single digits.)
I then charge the stones with the curse that I wish to inflict. I key the curse so that it is released when the stones are cast in the direction of the target. I often accompany the curse with a visual of a stone being thrown at the target. Then, when I find myself in a position where I require a curse but with out the time to formulate one, I would toss a blasting stone in the direction of my target. The more stones tossed in their direction, the stronger the curse.
The stones can be cleansed and reset to a 'neutral' state before being loaded with another curse if you wish to recycle them. At the same time, it is possible to use common gravel for this purpose so that you can charge your stones with the curse, toss the stone, and move on to something else with out having to retrieve the stone.
After a bit of experimentation, I came up with what I call blasting stones. My set of blasting stones are glass pebbles that you can get at a craft store. I haven't found the right type of stones to use for this purpose. I know that when I do, the glass pebbles are getting replaced. I used an odd number of stones because in my experimentation, I found that things that are oddly numbered and dissonant lend themselves better towards this kind of thing. When writing a curse, I will make a point of making sure it doesn't rhyme or have some sort of musical quality to it. (The number of curses that I have made that break this little 'rule' of mine numbers in the single digits.)
I then charge the stones with the curse that I wish to inflict. I key the curse so that it is released when the stones are cast in the direction of the target. I often accompany the curse with a visual of a stone being thrown at the target. Then, when I find myself in a position where I require a curse but with out the time to formulate one, I would toss a blasting stone in the direction of my target. The more stones tossed in their direction, the stronger the curse.
The stones can be cleansed and reset to a 'neutral' state before being loaded with another curse if you wish to recycle them. At the same time, it is possible to use common gravel for this purpose so that you can charge your stones with the curse, toss the stone, and move on to something else with out having to retrieve the stone.
Divination: Stichomancy
Stitchomancy may sound like a term for divination involving sewing or knitting, some sort of craft that uses stitches. Don't let it fool you, stitchomancy is entirely different. Stitchomancy is also known a bibliomancy. (The term bibliomancy is used to specify stitchomancy that is performed using a copy of the Christian holy book, the Bible.) The practice of stitchomancy has been in use for a very long time.
There are signs indicating that it was used at least as early as the rise of Gnostic Christianity. A book from that period was found in Egypt called the Lots of Mary. The practice of casting lots was used in correlation with this text to divine answers to questions and seek out guidance upon life matters. While it may not be stitchomancy in the sense that most would consider it, it is still divination performed using a text. (The same argument can be made for using the I Ching for divination.)
Most of the time, stichomancy is performed with the querent holding a book within their hands. They ask the question they seek an answer to. Then, the book is opened to a random page. The first passage that their eye falls upon is the answer to their query. Some people use just one passage for the answer to their query. Others would repeat the process for additional clarification of the answer provided.
I personally find it helpful to have a wide array of books to choose from. This allows for a greater randomization of possible answers. Thus, I will select a random book from my personal library and then proceed through the process I described above. Generally, the interpretation of the results of stitchomancy varies as widely as the possible answers. The use of a text that is oriented towards divination practices (such as the I Ching) makes this process a bit easier.
At the same time, with some careful consideration, it is possible to discern how a passage relates to what was asked. Unlike other methods, there is a fairly high probability of getting a 'null' result. That is, a passage may be completely unrelated to the query made. In my practice, if I have three obviously unrelated responses to my query, I put the book aside and treat it as a non-answer.Thus, I will either choose a different divination method to seek out the answer to my query or I will end my divination session.
Some texts lend themselves towards easier divination practice. The Christian Bible is popular because there is a wide range of results that can be found that can make greater sense given most life situations than a books such as Bram Stoker's Dracula. (Though, I did have success using that text at one point. It was a very weird result that didn't fully make sens until well after the fact.) Other texts are not as friendly towards the practices, such as a chemistry text book. (I did this at one point and had a passage regarding Avagadro's Number come up as my result. It was very difficult to see how that related to the query.)
I prefer to use books of poetry for stitchomancy. I know one person that used song books for the practice. Any text that is used, the querent must rely upon their intuition and their ability to see a link between the result and their query. Of the different divination practices that can be used, stitchomancy is probably the easiest to practice discreetly in a public location. Because, the query needs not be voiced out loud. The passage can be randomly selected with the query firmly in the querent's mind. The result is the same as what there would have been if it was voiced out loud.
There are signs indicating that it was used at least as early as the rise of Gnostic Christianity. A book from that period was found in Egypt called the Lots of Mary. The practice of casting lots was used in correlation with this text to divine answers to questions and seek out guidance upon life matters. While it may not be stitchomancy in the sense that most would consider it, it is still divination performed using a text. (The same argument can be made for using the I Ching for divination.)
Most of the time, stichomancy is performed with the querent holding a book within their hands. They ask the question they seek an answer to. Then, the book is opened to a random page. The first passage that their eye falls upon is the answer to their query. Some people use just one passage for the answer to their query. Others would repeat the process for additional clarification of the answer provided.
I personally find it helpful to have a wide array of books to choose from. This allows for a greater randomization of possible answers. Thus, I will select a random book from my personal library and then proceed through the process I described above. Generally, the interpretation of the results of stitchomancy varies as widely as the possible answers. The use of a text that is oriented towards divination practices (such as the I Ching) makes this process a bit easier.
At the same time, with some careful consideration, it is possible to discern how a passage relates to what was asked. Unlike other methods, there is a fairly high probability of getting a 'null' result. That is, a passage may be completely unrelated to the query made. In my practice, if I have three obviously unrelated responses to my query, I put the book aside and treat it as a non-answer.Thus, I will either choose a different divination method to seek out the answer to my query or I will end my divination session.
Some texts lend themselves towards easier divination practice. The Christian Bible is popular because there is a wide range of results that can be found that can make greater sense given most life situations than a books such as Bram Stoker's Dracula. (Though, I did have success using that text at one point. It was a very weird result that didn't fully make sens until well after the fact.) Other texts are not as friendly towards the practices, such as a chemistry text book. (I did this at one point and had a passage regarding Avagadro's Number come up as my result. It was very difficult to see how that related to the query.)
I prefer to use books of poetry for stitchomancy. I know one person that used song books for the practice. Any text that is used, the querent must rely upon their intuition and their ability to see a link between the result and their query. Of the different divination practices that can be used, stitchomancy is probably the easiest to practice discreetly in a public location. Because, the query needs not be voiced out loud. The passage can be randomly selected with the query firmly in the querent's mind. The result is the same as what there would have been if it was voiced out loud.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Resounding Silence.
It has now been over a year since I heard Dea's voice or seen a direct sign of her presence. To say that I feel disheartened really isn't strong enough to express it. As a result of this, I have been struggling in my devotional journal and other writing. I have my book of visions that is painful to work on right now. I look at this stuff and I see how easily contact happened. I despair that it has passed and that I have become useless in her eyes. I feel cut off from the source and that my reserves are near empty.
Once, I heard it said that the vessel must be emptied before it can be filled. I tell myself that this is what has been happening. I struggle with the fear that there is nothing more to come and that the last shining sense of her in this world is going to fade away. I didn't realize how much of a mother figure Dea had become for me. I didn't realize how much I came to depend on her. I didn't realize how much she comforted and soothed me through my struggles. I don't know where to go from here.
A long, difficult year of prayer has left me feeling utterly worn out. I find myself frequently ready to weep over this. I don't think there is a coincidence here that the Norse gods have stepped closer to me. I have wept at Freyr's breast over the awful feeling of abandonment that comes over me when I think of the distance. He holds me tenderly, kisses away my tears, and tells me that I am not abandoned, she is only silent. I struggle so hard with that feeling of abandonment. I know it is something that comes entirely from within me.
At the same time all of this is unfurling, I have been pushed into doing more 'shadow' work. I find myself struggling with all of the painful effects of the past traumas I have experienced and I come away from it tasting my tears and the bitter ashes of the past in my mouth. I go through my day desperately trying to avoid dwelling upon the bloody mass that is my past. Some days, I can act as though it is not there. Others, however, I find myself seeing it in everything I do. And I grieve and stumble forward. I honestly don't know if I am making progress anymore.
I don't talk about it because I worry about people having all the howling hatred that have been dumped upon others for daring to speak of it. But, I have reached a point where continuing my silence is becoming painful. Torn between the pain of Dea's silence, the pain of my past, and the pain of keeping silence for fear of reprisal, I have been miserable over the last several months. Thus, I will alleviate the one pain that I can.
I alluded to this a while back and then let the matter go. I tried in my efforts to make this an educational blog to steer things away from this. I realized, last night, that in doing so, I was treading perilously close to losing the core reason for blogging here. Yes, I want to educate people. I want to assist them in finding their way through the often confusing world of magic. I want to remove the stigma attached to spiritwork . I want to share the blessings that I have in my life from the gods.
Fear, however, snuck in and left me where I lost a good two thirds of my focus. This was part of the reason why I was having a hard time coming up with new material to post. Having a ton of distractions really was just a cover for my running in circles over this stuff. I had a long conversation with the gods last night when I was dreamwalking. I was asked directly if I was ashamed of them and if that was the reason for my silence. When I answered that I wasn't, we then started to dismantle what exactly was stopping me.
It was a hard conversation. Odin, Loki, Freyr, and Freyja sat with me at a round table. We all had something to drink. It changed as per our desires. I noted, however, that as much as I wanted whiskey, it remained something non-alcoholic such as tea or coffee. I think there was a point to that but the thought of asking about it really got crushed by the weight of everything else we discussed. We talked about my anxiety and my bipolar. We talked about my schizophrenic symptoms, the medications, and my fears surrounding that. I found myself frequently sobbing with pain and shame.
There was much anger. It was, however, crystal clear that it was not directed at me. It was instead at the ones who traumatized me and conditioned me to such an unhealthy state of mental hygiene. I kept expecting someone to give me the demand to 'man up' and just shake it all off. When they were caring, validating, and kind, I just became more anxious and upset. By the end of it all, I was a weeping wreck. I was sitting in Freyr's lap as Loki held my hand. Freyja placed some kind of cloak or blanket over me, because feeling warm helps me feel safe. And Odin was rubbing my back and saying something I didn't understand but helped me calm.
Out of that intervention (I guess that is the best way to describe it.) I got two clear things. One, the gods would never abandon me. None of them. Two, I need to fight against fear's hold on me, as hard as I can. They all made it very clear that I am to NEVER apologize for who and what I am, to anyone ever again. They made it clear that I am loved exactly as who I am and that my injuries and illness are nothing to be ashamed of.
So, with all of this preface done, I will say it directly. I am in a polyamorous relationship. There is Beloved who is my husband and life partner on this plane. He is the rock upon which I have built my life after all of the trauma I had in the past. I adore him more than I can find words. While I can function with out him, I am not happy. I feel as though half my soul is missing when we are separated and all the world has had a grey pall cast over it.
There is Freyr who is my husband as well. He is not like Beloved. He is incorporeal and affection between us happens in more subtle ways. He challenges me in ways that I hadn't experienced in the past. At the same time, I am becoming healthier for those challenges. His blessings in my life have been varied and wonderful. They range from small things like finding that parking space I needed to make the walk to the store less awful when my arthritic knees are hurting me to helping us have less to worry about with our bills. I love him deeply. At times, that love scares me because I feel like everything I am is going to get swept away with it. But, that was a fear that I had early on in my relationship with Beloved as well. It will pass in time.
There is Loki, who is my lover and dear friend. Best friends doesn't describe it. It is something different that I lack the proper words to describe it. As like Freyr, he is incorporeal and affection happens in subtle ways between us. Oh how does he push me. Loki has been around longer than Freyr. Loki knows where all the proverbial bodies are stashed and what buttons to push to get a response from me. It makes for him being very skilled in challenging me to change myself to a healthier person. I will also confess, it makes the D/s thing between him and I very intense.
Freyr and Loki are not jealous of each other or jealous of Beloved. Beloved doesn't worry about the gods. He's seen how being involved with them has helped me and that is all he really cares about. He wants to see me happy and healthy. Freyr and Loki also have the same goals. The three of them approach it in different ways. But, the support I have from them is rock solid and it helps me cope with all the problems that come from my being disabled, among the run of the mill challenges of life.
People who are going to hate on Loki, I am going to be inclined to delete your comments if you manage to offend me. I get that people not all have good relationships with him. I get that he is not a 'good' deity all the time. He is complex and he is chaos. Chaos can be terrifying. (And I've had moments where he has terrified me on purpose.) I don't have false expectations of sunshine, roses, and puppies for Loki. I expect him to be unpredictable, strange, and walking chaos. It is who he is. And I love him for it. If it weren't for chaos, the universe would go cold and everything would cease to exist.
People who are going to hate on spiritworkers and godspouses are going to have their comments deleted. I am going to take those as personal attacks and I am not going to tolerate it. This is *my* space. I am ruthless about how I defend it. If you really want to see what it's like to cross me, you can try. I promise you, you will not enjoy the results.
Once, I heard it said that the vessel must be emptied before it can be filled. I tell myself that this is what has been happening. I struggle with the fear that there is nothing more to come and that the last shining sense of her in this world is going to fade away. I didn't realize how much of a mother figure Dea had become for me. I didn't realize how much I came to depend on her. I didn't realize how much she comforted and soothed me through my struggles. I don't know where to go from here.
A long, difficult year of prayer has left me feeling utterly worn out. I find myself frequently ready to weep over this. I don't think there is a coincidence here that the Norse gods have stepped closer to me. I have wept at Freyr's breast over the awful feeling of abandonment that comes over me when I think of the distance. He holds me tenderly, kisses away my tears, and tells me that I am not abandoned, she is only silent. I struggle so hard with that feeling of abandonment. I know it is something that comes entirely from within me.
At the same time all of this is unfurling, I have been pushed into doing more 'shadow' work. I find myself struggling with all of the painful effects of the past traumas I have experienced and I come away from it tasting my tears and the bitter ashes of the past in my mouth. I go through my day desperately trying to avoid dwelling upon the bloody mass that is my past. Some days, I can act as though it is not there. Others, however, I find myself seeing it in everything I do. And I grieve and stumble forward. I honestly don't know if I am making progress anymore.
I don't talk about it because I worry about people having all the howling hatred that have been dumped upon others for daring to speak of it. But, I have reached a point where continuing my silence is becoming painful. Torn between the pain of Dea's silence, the pain of my past, and the pain of keeping silence for fear of reprisal, I have been miserable over the last several months. Thus, I will alleviate the one pain that I can.
I alluded to this a while back and then let the matter go. I tried in my efforts to make this an educational blog to steer things away from this. I realized, last night, that in doing so, I was treading perilously close to losing the core reason for blogging here. Yes, I want to educate people. I want to assist them in finding their way through the often confusing world of magic. I want to remove the stigma attached to spiritwork . I want to share the blessings that I have in my life from the gods.
Fear, however, snuck in and left me where I lost a good two thirds of my focus. This was part of the reason why I was having a hard time coming up with new material to post. Having a ton of distractions really was just a cover for my running in circles over this stuff. I had a long conversation with the gods last night when I was dreamwalking. I was asked directly if I was ashamed of them and if that was the reason for my silence. When I answered that I wasn't, we then started to dismantle what exactly was stopping me.
It was a hard conversation. Odin, Loki, Freyr, and Freyja sat with me at a round table. We all had something to drink. It changed as per our desires. I noted, however, that as much as I wanted whiskey, it remained something non-alcoholic such as tea or coffee. I think there was a point to that but the thought of asking about it really got crushed by the weight of everything else we discussed. We talked about my anxiety and my bipolar. We talked about my schizophrenic symptoms, the medications, and my fears surrounding that. I found myself frequently sobbing with pain and shame.
There was much anger. It was, however, crystal clear that it was not directed at me. It was instead at the ones who traumatized me and conditioned me to such an unhealthy state of mental hygiene. I kept expecting someone to give me the demand to 'man up' and just shake it all off. When they were caring, validating, and kind, I just became more anxious and upset. By the end of it all, I was a weeping wreck. I was sitting in Freyr's lap as Loki held my hand. Freyja placed some kind of cloak or blanket over me, because feeling warm helps me feel safe. And Odin was rubbing my back and saying something I didn't understand but helped me calm.
Out of that intervention (I guess that is the best way to describe it.) I got two clear things. One, the gods would never abandon me. None of them. Two, I need to fight against fear's hold on me, as hard as I can. They all made it very clear that I am to NEVER apologize for who and what I am, to anyone ever again. They made it clear that I am loved exactly as who I am and that my injuries and illness are nothing to be ashamed of.
So, with all of this preface done, I will say it directly. I am in a polyamorous relationship. There is Beloved who is my husband and life partner on this plane. He is the rock upon which I have built my life after all of the trauma I had in the past. I adore him more than I can find words. While I can function with out him, I am not happy. I feel as though half my soul is missing when we are separated and all the world has had a grey pall cast over it.
There is Freyr who is my husband as well. He is not like Beloved. He is incorporeal and affection between us happens in more subtle ways. He challenges me in ways that I hadn't experienced in the past. At the same time, I am becoming healthier for those challenges. His blessings in my life have been varied and wonderful. They range from small things like finding that parking space I needed to make the walk to the store less awful when my arthritic knees are hurting me to helping us have less to worry about with our bills. I love him deeply. At times, that love scares me because I feel like everything I am is going to get swept away with it. But, that was a fear that I had early on in my relationship with Beloved as well. It will pass in time.
There is Loki, who is my lover and dear friend. Best friends doesn't describe it. It is something different that I lack the proper words to describe it. As like Freyr, he is incorporeal and affection happens in subtle ways between us. Oh how does he push me. Loki has been around longer than Freyr. Loki knows where all the proverbial bodies are stashed and what buttons to push to get a response from me. It makes for him being very skilled in challenging me to change myself to a healthier person. I will also confess, it makes the D/s thing between him and I very intense.
Freyr and Loki are not jealous of each other or jealous of Beloved. Beloved doesn't worry about the gods. He's seen how being involved with them has helped me and that is all he really cares about. He wants to see me happy and healthy. Freyr and Loki also have the same goals. The three of them approach it in different ways. But, the support I have from them is rock solid and it helps me cope with all the problems that come from my being disabled, among the run of the mill challenges of life.
People who are going to hate on Loki, I am going to be inclined to delete your comments if you manage to offend me. I get that people not all have good relationships with him. I get that he is not a 'good' deity all the time. He is complex and he is chaos. Chaos can be terrifying. (And I've had moments where he has terrified me on purpose.) I don't have false expectations of sunshine, roses, and puppies for Loki. I expect him to be unpredictable, strange, and walking chaos. It is who he is. And I love him for it. If it weren't for chaos, the universe would go cold and everything would cease to exist.
People who are going to hate on spiritworkers and godspouses are going to have their comments deleted. I am going to take those as personal attacks and I am not going to tolerate it. This is *my* space. I am ruthless about how I defend it. If you really want to see what it's like to cross me, you can try. I promise you, you will not enjoy the results.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Divination: Pendulums
A pendulum is one of the simplest divination tools. With nothing more than a weight on a string, it is possible to answer most any questions with some patience. Pendulums have been in use since antiquity. There has been a range of explanations given for their movement. Ninety percent of those explanations involve some form of magical action. The scientific explanation is that our hands make tiny movements, even when we think we are holding them still. These movements are magnified by the pendulum, which then swings according to the movements of our hands.
Some would say that this means that all of the answers from the pendulum come from ourselves, be it from our unconscious mind or some form of wish fulfillment. I would contend that it is the smallest and least invasive from of mediumship. The deity or entity you wish to contact influences the motions of your hand which, in turn, influences the motion of the pendulum. I also believe that there are instances where they will move the pendulum directly. The frequency of those instances, honestly, are pretty much impossible to determine. Given the near infinite possibilities for how things in the universe work, we must, however, keep this potential in mind when we approach any form of divination with even a modicum of scientific thought behind our work.
There are a few different ways to use a pendulum. One is to hold it and begin asking questions. As you do so, observe how the pendulum swings. Starting with an obvious yes-no question that has a decisive answer is a good beginning. The pattern that I use to establish the results the pendulum presents for answers to my questions is the following:
The type of questions best suited to use with a pendulum tend to have binary answers. This is because the pendulum is a more limited tool in how it can present information. As such, unpacking the result of a question that has multiple elements to the answer gets very difficult and you wind up asking that series of yes-no questions in the end anyways. Reducing your query to a series of yes-no questions can result in some creative phrasing of questions. It can also make the divination session take much longer than it would with other tools. For example, learning a name of a person involved in a situation would need to be spelled out by repeating the alphabet multiple times for each letter in a position after inquiring how many letters in the name.
I find the pendulum is best suited to answering simple questions quickly. When you just need a direct yes or no, pulling out the tarot deck may not be the best technique to use. It takes more effort and the answer can become unnecessarily complicated. (There is a trick to answering yes-no questions with a tarot deck, I'll share it as a footnote below.[1]) They are, however, an extremely portable tool. It is also a technique that can be used in public as a 'stealth' divination practice. The questions asked need not be externally verbalized.
Purchasing a pendulum versus making your own truly is a matter of preference. In the years that I have used pendulums, I have had equal success rates with pendulums that have been purchased, given to me as gifts, and I have fashioned on my own. The use of special stones or items as the weight for the pendulum is limited only by your desire. If you are one to practice magic involving stones, you may find that something using rose quartz is best suited for answering questions surrounding a love interest and one using clear quartz is good for general purpose questions. Making you own pendulum is incredibly easy. A traditional method that has been used in the United States since at least the 19th century is to suspend a wedding ring on a hair. This is used, according to the folklore, to determine the sex of a baby while it is in utero.[2]
Regardless of the style of pendulum used or how you derive your answer set, the pendulum use is essentially the same for all questions. Thus, it is possible to use different pendulums for your questioning, for the same questions even, and still get the same results. It is equally possible to get different results because the pendulums are weighted differently and will swing in a slightly different fashion. And with a pendulum, a small difference in how they swing manifests with larger implications because, as with the pendulum's motion magnifying small movements of the hand, it will magnify the difference in movements. They are, however, exceptionally simple tools that are well suited to the beginner or the experienced diviner.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. To get a yes-no answer from a tarot deck, shuffle the cards. Ask your question. If the card is direct, the answer is yes. If the card is reversed, the answer is no. An uncertain result, however, will not be presented so the possibility of false yes or no answers comes up with this method.
2. Folklore states that if the ring swings in a linear fashion the child born will be a boy. If the ring swings in a circular fashion, the child born will be a girl. There are some regions of the United States where the results are switched. I honestly have found that if you set one motion to correlate with a given answer and another to correlate with the second answer, it is effective regardless of which motion is defined as which answer.
Some would say that this means that all of the answers from the pendulum come from ourselves, be it from our unconscious mind or some form of wish fulfillment. I would contend that it is the smallest and least invasive from of mediumship. The deity or entity you wish to contact influences the motions of your hand which, in turn, influences the motion of the pendulum. I also believe that there are instances where they will move the pendulum directly. The frequency of those instances, honestly, are pretty much impossible to determine. Given the near infinite possibilities for how things in the universe work, we must, however, keep this potential in mind when we approach any form of divination with even a modicum of scientific thought behind our work.
There are a few different ways to use a pendulum. One is to hold it and begin asking questions. As you do so, observe how the pendulum swings. Starting with an obvious yes-no question that has a decisive answer is a good beginning. The pattern that I use to establish the results the pendulum presents for answers to my questions is the following:
- Yes-no question with an obvious 'yes' result
- Yes-no question with an obvious 'no' result
- Yes-no question with a 'maybe' result
- Yes-no question with an uncertain answer (I like to use a variant of Schrodinger's paradox.)
- Yes-no question that can not be answered
The type of questions best suited to use with a pendulum tend to have binary answers. This is because the pendulum is a more limited tool in how it can present information. As such, unpacking the result of a question that has multiple elements to the answer gets very difficult and you wind up asking that series of yes-no questions in the end anyways. Reducing your query to a series of yes-no questions can result in some creative phrasing of questions. It can also make the divination session take much longer than it would with other tools. For example, learning a name of a person involved in a situation would need to be spelled out by repeating the alphabet multiple times for each letter in a position after inquiring how many letters in the name.
I find the pendulum is best suited to answering simple questions quickly. When you just need a direct yes or no, pulling out the tarot deck may not be the best technique to use. It takes more effort and the answer can become unnecessarily complicated. (There is a trick to answering yes-no questions with a tarot deck, I'll share it as a footnote below.[1]) They are, however, an extremely portable tool. It is also a technique that can be used in public as a 'stealth' divination practice. The questions asked need not be externally verbalized.
Purchasing a pendulum versus making your own truly is a matter of preference. In the years that I have used pendulums, I have had equal success rates with pendulums that have been purchased, given to me as gifts, and I have fashioned on my own. The use of special stones or items as the weight for the pendulum is limited only by your desire. If you are one to practice magic involving stones, you may find that something using rose quartz is best suited for answering questions surrounding a love interest and one using clear quartz is good for general purpose questions. Making you own pendulum is incredibly easy. A traditional method that has been used in the United States since at least the 19th century is to suspend a wedding ring on a hair. This is used, according to the folklore, to determine the sex of a baby while it is in utero.[2]
Regardless of the style of pendulum used or how you derive your answer set, the pendulum use is essentially the same for all questions. Thus, it is possible to use different pendulums for your questioning, for the same questions even, and still get the same results. It is equally possible to get different results because the pendulums are weighted differently and will swing in a slightly different fashion. And with a pendulum, a small difference in how they swing manifests with larger implications because, as with the pendulum's motion magnifying small movements of the hand, it will magnify the difference in movements. They are, however, exceptionally simple tools that are well suited to the beginner or the experienced diviner.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. To get a yes-no answer from a tarot deck, shuffle the cards. Ask your question. If the card is direct, the answer is yes. If the card is reversed, the answer is no. An uncertain result, however, will not be presented so the possibility of false yes or no answers comes up with this method.
2. Folklore states that if the ring swings in a linear fashion the child born will be a boy. If the ring swings in a circular fashion, the child born will be a girl. There are some regions of the United States where the results are switched. I honestly have found that if you set one motion to correlate with a given answer and another to correlate with the second answer, it is effective regardless of which motion is defined as which answer.
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