It has been a long week. It has been a long two weeks, to be honest. I'm struggling to make things happen. I thought that today was going to be the day I got caught up on stuff. Somehow, I spent most of my day making doll clothes and wandering through the apartment in the way I do when I'm over tired but feel I must do something.
I sit here attempting to think of something to say. Loki is sitting in the other chair where I usually work on mending and such, playing cat's cradle. How he is accomplishing it with only two hands, I have no idea. But he said something earlier that stuck in my mind. "You were feeling sad, anxious, and like everything you did was doomed for failure. Now the doll has little pantalettes and half a sweater. And you have enough yarn left to make booties, mittens, and a hat. That's not failure. And you got to play with a doll for a little bit and not feel quite so bad. Not too bad for a Saturday, is it?"
I wound up taking a nap earlier and Freyr cuddled me as Beloved was in the kitchen washing dishes and minding the children. Freyr said to me, "You're allowed to rest, you know. This is how you keep healthy. Self care is as much a part of the work as finishing your novels and keeping house."
It's hard because I struggle with self care. I was taught very young that I was not a priority and therefore my self care was not a priority or it was such a low one that it barely registered. I find myself torn between guilt because I could have gotten so much done today. And tempted to head to bed early because I was up early. Loki's said something to the effect that I have myself so twisted up that he has a hard time figuring it out and I need to get that unwound. I suppose that massive guilt complex over self care may be part of what he was talking about.
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