Dear Reader,
A post on one of the blogs I follow got me to thinking about a very good question. What is the source of our theology*? Let me narrow the scope of the question a little more. What influences our personal thinking about deity, the nature of the universe, and our relationships with both? The author of the blog post I linked to above presents a very good argument that Puritans are a very strong influence on the way people in the USA approach the concept of deity.
I would be inclined to argue that the over-culture of the region wherein we live has a strong influence on our theology. Furthermore, I would argue that this over-culture influences how we express ourselves with respect to all matters pertaining to religion. Deprogramming the unhelpful elements of that influence is difficult and it is especially challenging when you don't have a large community immediately around you to help in the process.
I think, however, the more we look at the earliest influences upon our consideration of matters of theology, the deeper it allows us to go into our relationship with the divine and the universe. And I think, like all other relationships, the more we head into the relationship, the more we can get out of it.
Just something to think about, I suppose.
♥
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
* I use theology as a general term. This can be interchanged with 'theaology' for those who prefer this term. I'm just more comfortable with the term theology and can remember the proper spelling easily. At some point, I may get into the gendered language of deity. I don't have the energy for it today.
Blurb
Thoughts, lessons, and theology from an eclectic witch from a varied background.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Godspousery Notes: Don't give up.
I have been very depressed and anxious of late. The joys of a mixed episode, I suppose. Just as I have my lowest days, messages come along through some of the most random directions. Memes that on any other day would have just been scrolled past suddenly become relevant. Comments on cat pictures suddenly are applicable to my situation (that one confused me a great deal). And sometimes my news feed on my phone gets hijacked to link me to articles that are exactly what I need to be reading at that very moment.
The reassurance is deeply appreciated. I've been having a hard time feeling their presence. Sometimes, out the corner of my eye, I may see Loki leaning against the door just watching me as I'm doing something like cooking dinner. Just a brief glance that I could have dismissed as my eyes playing tricks on me. It's a thing Loki does from time to time when he really wants my attention. Usually, I don't see Loki. I may hear him, but I don't see him.
Tonight, I had that flash of vision. He was standing there looking almost somber. Then he vanished. And I heard him ask me, "Why did you stop writing again? What's wrong?" I hyper focused on cooking because I was uncomfortable. Loki is, if nothing else, patient. The moment I was no longer distracting myself, he asked me again why I wasn't writing. There was no chiding tone. There was no stern voice of 'you must do this if you are going to meet your goals.' Just that simple pair of questions.
I don't know how to answer that question. I realized, however, I had to write to get some of the mental pressure off of me. Hence this post and my work on a few other projects this evening. I am struggling to find away to communicate and words to encompass what I am struggling with. It is quite likely that I am over complicating something, again, which is a thing I do when I am anxious. It is a vicious cycle. Some days, Loki will throw something absurd in my direction to break that cycle. Other days, it is just standing there and asking a direct question.
The thing about his questions, you could try to lie. But in the end, he'll keep asking until the lies all run out. Because you can't lie to the Lie Smith forever, he knows ALL of them and can see right through them. After all, he IS the Lie Smith. So, I just sit with the uncomfortable questions and cogitate on them until an answer comes to me. Nine times out of ten, the answer is more for myself than it is for him. It makes me wonder if Loki and Socrates would sit there asking each other questions until the heat death of the universe if given the opportunity.
The reassurance is deeply appreciated. I've been having a hard time feeling their presence. Sometimes, out the corner of my eye, I may see Loki leaning against the door just watching me as I'm doing something like cooking dinner. Just a brief glance that I could have dismissed as my eyes playing tricks on me. It's a thing Loki does from time to time when he really wants my attention. Usually, I don't see Loki. I may hear him, but I don't see him.
Tonight, I had that flash of vision. He was standing there looking almost somber. Then he vanished. And I heard him ask me, "Why did you stop writing again? What's wrong?" I hyper focused on cooking because I was uncomfortable. Loki is, if nothing else, patient. The moment I was no longer distracting myself, he asked me again why I wasn't writing. There was no chiding tone. There was no stern voice of 'you must do this if you are going to meet your goals.' Just that simple pair of questions.
I don't know how to answer that question. I realized, however, I had to write to get some of the mental pressure off of me. Hence this post and my work on a few other projects this evening. I am struggling to find away to communicate and words to encompass what I am struggling with. It is quite likely that I am over complicating something, again, which is a thing I do when I am anxious. It is a vicious cycle. Some days, Loki will throw something absurd in my direction to break that cycle. Other days, it is just standing there and asking a direct question.
The thing about his questions, you could try to lie. But in the end, he'll keep asking until the lies all run out. Because you can't lie to the Lie Smith forever, he knows ALL of them and can see right through them. After all, he IS the Lie Smith. So, I just sit with the uncomfortable questions and cogitate on them until an answer comes to me. Nine times out of ten, the answer is more for myself than it is for him. It makes me wonder if Loki and Socrates would sit there asking each other questions until the heat death of the universe if given the opportunity.
Friday, April 27, 2018
Recommendation: Electric tea lights.
Electric candles get the side-eye from a number of people because they're not 'as good' as the real kind. Honestly, however, they are really handy gadgets that can make your life worlds easier and safer. The tea light variety can be picked up for a low price just about anywhere. They provide a reliable source of light and can be reused multiple times.
I have a set that have finally given up working properly after approximately three years of use. You can't get three years of daily use out of a set of wax candles. Batteries can be a problem for disposal. This is not a major problem, however, as electronics recycling centers will recycle old batteries of any sort for you. Those that they can't recycle they can dispose of in an ecologically safe way. The cost of the button cell batteries for electric tea lights is fairly low as well, even from big name brand companies.
The act of lighting them is as simple as flicking a switch. It is in many cases easier than 'flicking a Bic' to light a real candle. (It's not much fun lighting your fingernails on fire when trying to light a candle. Ok, it wasn't completely on fire but there was some smoke and blackened edge. It smelled horrible, do not recommend. -67/10) I have also used them for overnight spells with out any concerns about the house burning down.
The larger size electric candles that take larger sized batteries can last up to a year on a single battery. Yeah, I was impressed as well. That one was an 'emergency' electric candle from The Dollar Tree. The size I purchased took a single AA battery. It was on 24/7 for a FULL year before the battery gave up. The electric candle was effective for three years. It would have lasted longer except for the final battery corroded and I couldn't clean the contacts up. I'm sure if that hadn't happened, it would have continued to be very effective and efficient.
So, electric tea lights (or any kind of electric candle) are worth the investment. I've observed no difference in magical workings done with a regular tea light candle and an electric tea light candle. (Same spell done under same conditions with just the candle changed had the same results.)
I have a set that have finally given up working properly after approximately three years of use. You can't get three years of daily use out of a set of wax candles. Batteries can be a problem for disposal. This is not a major problem, however, as electronics recycling centers will recycle old batteries of any sort for you. Those that they can't recycle they can dispose of in an ecologically safe way. The cost of the button cell batteries for electric tea lights is fairly low as well, even from big name brand companies.
The act of lighting them is as simple as flicking a switch. It is in many cases easier than 'flicking a Bic' to light a real candle. (It's not much fun lighting your fingernails on fire when trying to light a candle. Ok, it wasn't completely on fire but there was some smoke and blackened edge. It smelled horrible, do not recommend. -67/10) I have also used them for overnight spells with out any concerns about the house burning down.
The larger size electric candles that take larger sized batteries can last up to a year on a single battery. Yeah, I was impressed as well. That one was an 'emergency' electric candle from The Dollar Tree. The size I purchased took a single AA battery. It was on 24/7 for a FULL year before the battery gave up. The electric candle was effective for three years. It would have lasted longer except for the final battery corroded and I couldn't clean the contacts up. I'm sure if that hadn't happened, it would have continued to be very effective and efficient.
So, electric tea lights (or any kind of electric candle) are worth the investment. I've observed no difference in magical workings done with a regular tea light candle and an electric tea light candle. (Same spell done under same conditions with just the candle changed had the same results.)
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Delayed post & an update!
Photo from Pexels.com |
I have to delay my post about the athame by a day. I put it away in a really safe place and am having
a little trouble finding it so I can post the photo that goes with the article. I should have the post up by tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
I have been working on eBooks. Right now, there are eBook versions of Rose Petals: A Filianic Psalter and A Year With Dea (northern and southern hemisphere editions) available on Lulu.com. There are some small format issues I need to fix for it to be more widely available on sites like Amazon. Honestly, though, it is less expensive to pick it up at Lulu.com.
The eBook of Drowning in Light will be coming out next month. I'm on final edits right now. This will be the short form of Drowning in Light. The long form will be available in eBook and paperback in Autumn. I am presently working on another set of devotional writings as well. My goal is to have an eBook focused on the Filianic rosary out in late November. If I'm lucky, it will have far fewer format issues than I've been running into thus far.
♥
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Divination: Runes - Lesson 2: History
Runes are the ancient written language of the Nordic and Teutonic people. It is believed that they were used for divination. This is an inconclusive. Tacitus reported to Rome that he watched a Germanic tribe 'casting lots' but it was not written if it was runes that the person Tacitus was observing carved into the sticks or some other glyph. In the folk magic practices of the region where the Nordic peoples lived during the pre-christian era, runes pop up on occasion as a divination tool.
It is really with the modern era that runes have been used for divination with any certainty. I have struggled to find conclusive evidence as to where the origination point is of modern rune reading. In the early 1990s, Ralph Blum put out his The Book of Runes. The book had a favorable response and, in my opinion, it contributed to the popularity of rune reading after the turn of the millennium. Almost all of the books about runes and the many websites have the same base set of applied meanings for the elder Futhorc. These meanings are derived from the rune poems that are still existent in medieval texts. It suggests that runes did have a use in divination but it is equally likely that these were rhymes to help the illiterate learn the letters. It is unclear.
The runes given by name below (as I don't have the font to produce the image for each glyph) are presented with the set of meanings as per a handwritten slip of paper that came with my first set of runes.
Feho: possessions - that which is vital, community, wealth.
Ur: strength - physical endurance
Thorn: gateway - giants / chaos
Os: signals - gods / source of divine utterance
Rad: journey - refers to the soul after death, a journey
Ken: opening - torch, skiff, associated with Nerthus (death goddess)
Gyfu: partnership - a gift from the gods to loyal followers
Wynn: joy - absence of sorrow and suffering
Hoel: disruption - natural forces that damage
Nyd: constraint - the cause for human suffering, lessons, hardship
Isa: standstill - ice, freezing, Yimir the frost giant born of ice
Ger: harvest - a fruitful year
Eoh: defense - averting powers
Poerdh: initiation - a secret matter, rune of mystery
Eolh: protection - defense / protection
Sighel: wholeness - sun
Tyr: warrior - a guiding planet or star, or victory in battle*
Boerc: growth - rebirth, new life
Ehwis: movement - associated with the course of the sun
Manu: the self - the human race, man
Lagu: flow - sea, water, fertility source
Ing: fertility - Ing, the legendary hero, later a God*
Odel: breakthrough - prosperity and fruitfulness
Doerg: retreat - property or an inherited posession
There was also a blank rune that was considered the unknowable or the rune of destiny. I don't really use blank runes anymore. I keep it in the set because it does on occasion prove useful in weird ways. But my method of reading runes is unorthodox. The runes with an asterisk beside them are actually proper names of deities within Norse mythology. I find it curious that the person who gave me the rune set used the Anglo-Saxon names for the Elder Futhorc. They are different, slightly, from the Norse names that we do know. Lagu, for example, is also known as Laguz and Ing is also known as Ingwar or Ingwaz/Ingwas. But the above list is really the basis of modern rune interpretation.
It is really with the modern era that runes have been used for divination with any certainty. I have struggled to find conclusive evidence as to where the origination point is of modern rune reading. In the early 1990s, Ralph Blum put out his The Book of Runes. The book had a favorable response and, in my opinion, it contributed to the popularity of rune reading after the turn of the millennium. Almost all of the books about runes and the many websites have the same base set of applied meanings for the elder Futhorc. These meanings are derived from the rune poems that are still existent in medieval texts. It suggests that runes did have a use in divination but it is equally likely that these were rhymes to help the illiterate learn the letters. It is unclear.
The runes given by name below (as I don't have the font to produce the image for each glyph) are presented with the set of meanings as per a handwritten slip of paper that came with my first set of runes.
Feho: possessions - that which is vital, community, wealth.
Ur: strength - physical endurance
Thorn: gateway - giants / chaos
Os: signals - gods / source of divine utterance
Rad: journey - refers to the soul after death, a journey
Ken: opening - torch, skiff, associated with Nerthus (death goddess)
Gyfu: partnership - a gift from the gods to loyal followers
Wynn: joy - absence of sorrow and suffering
Hoel: disruption - natural forces that damage
Nyd: constraint - the cause for human suffering, lessons, hardship
Isa: standstill - ice, freezing, Yimir the frost giant born of ice
Ger: harvest - a fruitful year
Eoh: defense - averting powers
Poerdh: initiation - a secret matter, rune of mystery
Eolh: protection - defense / protection
Sighel: wholeness - sun
Tyr: warrior - a guiding planet or star, or victory in battle*
Boerc: growth - rebirth, new life
Ehwis: movement - associated with the course of the sun
Manu: the self - the human race, man
Lagu: flow - sea, water, fertility source
Ing: fertility - Ing, the legendary hero, later a God*
Odel: breakthrough - prosperity and fruitfulness
Doerg: retreat - property or an inherited posession
There was also a blank rune that was considered the unknowable or the rune of destiny. I don't really use blank runes anymore. I keep it in the set because it does on occasion prove useful in weird ways. But my method of reading runes is unorthodox. The runes with an asterisk beside them are actually proper names of deities within Norse mythology. I find it curious that the person who gave me the rune set used the Anglo-Saxon names for the Elder Futhorc. They are different, slightly, from the Norse names that we do know. Lagu, for example, is also known as Laguz and Ing is also known as Ingwar or Ingwaz/Ingwas. But the above list is really the basis of modern rune interpretation.
Spell craft: Elementary Cursing
They say if you can't curse, you can't heal. It's an old statement mentioned in pagan and occult communities for as far back as I can get in my research. There's a lot of variations on it. The one I encounter most frequently is "If you can't hex, you can't heal." Hexing is different from cursing, though there is a tendency to refer to curses as hexes. I'm not entirely sure where that got started, but when I get to the bottom of it I will report my findings as per usual. Cursing is actually an effective tool in health magic, which is why I have no problems at all with the use of it.
I'll repeat myself, a curse can be a very effective tool for healing and health magic. A curse is used to diminish something, turn it away, or otherwise act contrary to the target's nature to cause it to self destruct. In the case of medical issues, a curse upon cancer that it wither and cease to exist is actually a really good thing when the patient is undergoing chemotherapy. Like all magic, however, there is an element of unpredictability so that the manifestation of said curse is not going to be exactly as you envision unless a great deal of effort is put behind the curse.
Blessings are as different from curses as night is from day. They function in opposite manner, manifest in different general ways, and require different sources of effort to be put behind them. Curses are infamous for the use of blood magic in their rituals. (Blood magic can be used for blessings. Any instances of blood magic must be taken with great care for practical and magical safety. I advise all but the most experienced from engaging in blood magic. There is a lot of power there and it's hard to aim a fire hose when you're used to handling a garden hose.) Generally, curses are more emotive than blessings, and based in very powerful emotions at that. They are the metaphysical equivalent of playing with fire, which is why most are advised against it.
A box of matches, however, are not going to burn your house down if you handle them responsibly. The use of curses is ancient. There can be examples found from every culture, even our more secular focused culture here in the USA. If a person from the South tells you 'bless your heart' they thing you're a fool and are quite likely ill-wishing you. It's a mild curse likely to make your luck go a little funny if they have enough loathing behind it and you may find yourself in a few awkward situations at random a day or two after it's been dropped on you.
Many people confuse vulgarity with cursing. This is because in ancient times the taboos against things like mentioning the blood of Christ were so powerful that they were viewed as potentially impacting the person making said statement and the people around them, ie: a localized curse. Vulgarity however was used in more recognizable curses as a source of emotive power. The more taboo behind the statement, the more emotive power it had. This is still fairly true today, as seen in statements that are considered mortal insults.
I'll repeat myself, a curse can be a very effective tool for healing and health magic. A curse is used to diminish something, turn it away, or otherwise act contrary to the target's nature to cause it to self destruct. In the case of medical issues, a curse upon cancer that it wither and cease to exist is actually a really good thing when the patient is undergoing chemotherapy. Like all magic, however, there is an element of unpredictability so that the manifestation of said curse is not going to be exactly as you envision unless a great deal of effort is put behind the curse.
Blessings are as different from curses as night is from day. They function in opposite manner, manifest in different general ways, and require different sources of effort to be put behind them. Curses are infamous for the use of blood magic in their rituals. (Blood magic can be used for blessings. Any instances of blood magic must be taken with great care for practical and magical safety. I advise all but the most experienced from engaging in blood magic. There is a lot of power there and it's hard to aim a fire hose when you're used to handling a garden hose.) Generally, curses are more emotive than blessings, and based in very powerful emotions at that. They are the metaphysical equivalent of playing with fire, which is why most are advised against it.
A box of matches, however, are not going to burn your house down if you handle them responsibly. The use of curses is ancient. There can be examples found from every culture, even our more secular focused culture here in the USA. If a person from the South tells you 'bless your heart' they thing you're a fool and are quite likely ill-wishing you. It's a mild curse likely to make your luck go a little funny if they have enough loathing behind it and you may find yourself in a few awkward situations at random a day or two after it's been dropped on you.
Many people confuse vulgarity with cursing. This is because in ancient times the taboos against things like mentioning the blood of Christ were so powerful that they were viewed as potentially impacting the person making said statement and the people around them, ie: a localized curse. Vulgarity however was used in more recognizable curses as a source of emotive power. The more taboo behind the statement, the more emotive power it had. This is still fairly true today, as seen in statements that are considered mortal insults.
Cursing also included the practice of calling to the divine to curse the target. Thus the word 'damn' became a curse and vulgarity. The demanding of divine judgment against the target is something that is an ancient practice but also still happening today. Take a moment to casually peruse the actions of groups like Westborough Baptist and other Dominionist sects, you will find them praying that their god judges the targets of their prayers as vile and deserving of divine wrath. Similar examples can be found in the ritual exhortation of Masonic lodges against the Jewish people that is part of their regular prayer and magical practices.
Scratch the surface of any religious community, you'll find a curse somewhere. Some curses disparage the target and demand horrible things happen to them. Other curses simply demand the target be diminished. Curses, at their best, function to bring greater health to the community and the people they touch. A simple curse can be as easy as ill wishing, known as the 'evil eye'. When used wisely, the 'evil eye' can prompt change within the community for its greater welfare or drive away danger. There is a risk in using the 'evil eye' however that it will bounce back to you and you will have cursed yourself.
This, however, is one of the risks in curses and all other 'left hand' magical undertakings. The more you throw out into a magical working, the more potential blow back there will be as well. Throwing a rock in the pond causes ripples outwards but it will also cause a splash up in the trajectory the rock was cast from. The same happens with magical work. Remembering your basic magical protection skills and practices, this will mitigate that splash back at you like a raincoat prevents you from getting soaked. Advanced magical protection skills plus a minor curse is like adding an umbrella to the raincoat.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Godspousery notes: Hail Ingvi Freyr!
With all of this diabetes stuff, I found myself anxious that I had earned Freyr's displeasure. This anxiety coupled with all of my other anxiety was making life hard. Loki assured me that Freyr was not displeased with me. He did his best to convince me of this but I was too twisted up with fear to really get it.
And then the gift from M. arrived. She had found sugar-free chocolate that tasted like REAL chocolate. A good pile of them, it literally brought tears to my eyes. Her kindness was overwhelming, as it has always been. And then I noticed something. The ones sitting on the top of the pile were from the Frey company. Message received, Ingvi.
What was that message, by the way? Well, it was reach out to others when you're in distress and we'll help you out. M. and her kindness helping me, along with the accidental delivery of Freyr's gentle nudge that he was still looking out for me and he wasn't mad at me, was one of many direct examples of kindness being extended to me. The helpful library staff who found the one diabetic cookbook in the entire library, family helping me manage household stuff when I have been dealing with vision problems, and the love and support of my friends are just a few of the examples of kindness and love that come when I just ask for help.
It's silly that I forget that kind of love and kindness is there. Loki is a bit less exasperated with me now. Only a bit, though, because I am doing things like worrying about writing instead of writing.
And then the gift from M. arrived. She had found sugar-free chocolate that tasted like REAL chocolate. A good pile of them, it literally brought tears to my eyes. Her kindness was overwhelming, as it has always been. And then I noticed something. The ones sitting on the top of the pile were from the Frey company. Message received, Ingvi.
What was that message, by the way? Well, it was reach out to others when you're in distress and we'll help you out. M. and her kindness helping me, along with the accidental delivery of Freyr's gentle nudge that he was still looking out for me and he wasn't mad at me, was one of many direct examples of kindness being extended to me. The helpful library staff who found the one diabetic cookbook in the entire library, family helping me manage household stuff when I have been dealing with vision problems, and the love and support of my friends are just a few of the examples of kindness and love that come when I just ask for help.
It's silly that I forget that kind of love and kindness is there. Loki is a bit less exasperated with me now. Only a bit, though, because I am doing things like worrying about writing instead of writing.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Herbalism, Tools & Treasures: Chalice.
The chalice is one of the most iconic images of European art and religious imagery. The most famous is the Holy Grail of Christ, the cup which was used at the Last Supper. An integral part of the English Arthurian myth cycle and British isles folk religion, the chalice is an ancient image that resonates strongly still today. Much of modern pagan tradition is derived from attempts to reconstruct (or reinvent, in many cases) the ancient worship practices of pre-Christian Europe.
One of the major symbols is the cup or bowl/cauldron. A chalice is simply a cup with a footed base, though the term sounds fancy. Any cup could work for a ritual chalice, even your favorite coffee mug. It is a little more fuzzy when you start blurring the line between cup/bowl/cauldron. Because the cauldron is a ritual item in its own right. And the bowl has its own storied history of iconography around the world. It is the chalice that is used for the symbolic enacting of the Great Rite of Wicca rituals (the Great Rite being the sexual union between the God and the Goddess), serving as the female half of the rite. (The male half is the athame. For more information about the athame, please see the next post in this series.)
The chalice is the shared cup between the coven during ritual feasting in some rites. It is also symbolic of the cup that the Daughter of Dea pours Her Spirit into in the holy rite of sacrifice which sustains the whole of existence within Filianic and Déanic mythos. It is an object that is described by some as a direct descendant of the Communion cup of the Catholic Christian mass (worship service) and supposed to symbolize both the cup that caught the blood of Christ from his wounds and the cup from the last supper.
Within many pagan and occult systems, the chalice is associated with water. This can be seen in most tarot decks, actually. It is associated with the direction of west. And, as mentioned earlier, it is associated with femininity. It is also associated with the subconscious mind, the spirit, and psychic activity.
One of the major symbols is the cup or bowl/cauldron. A chalice is simply a cup with a footed base, though the term sounds fancy. Any cup could work for a ritual chalice, even your favorite coffee mug. It is a little more fuzzy when you start blurring the line between cup/bowl/cauldron. Because the cauldron is a ritual item in its own right. And the bowl has its own storied history of iconography around the world. It is the chalice that is used for the symbolic enacting of the Great Rite of Wicca rituals (the Great Rite being the sexual union between the God and the Goddess), serving as the female half of the rite. (The male half is the athame. For more information about the athame, please see the next post in this series.)
The chalice is the shared cup between the coven during ritual feasting in some rites. It is also symbolic of the cup that the Daughter of Dea pours Her Spirit into in the holy rite of sacrifice which sustains the whole of existence within Filianic and Déanic mythos. It is an object that is described by some as a direct descendant of the Communion cup of the Catholic Christian mass (worship service) and supposed to symbolize both the cup that caught the blood of Christ from his wounds and the cup from the last supper.
Within many pagan and occult systems, the chalice is associated with water. This can be seen in most tarot decks, actually. It is associated with the direction of west. And, as mentioned earlier, it is associated with femininity. It is also associated with the subconscious mind, the spirit, and psychic activity.
Monday, April 16, 2018
What's going on?
Dear Reader,
It may be apparent that my life is in some crisis again. I am feeling rather despondent about this diabetes diagnosis. It is exhausting to count every bite. It is also entirely necessary that I do so, thus I really have no choice in the matter. I find myself grieved by it all. The struggle against preexisting eating issues is all the more pitched now because I can't just eat like the rest of the family and ignore the voice at the back of my head telling me to starve myself.
This has lead me to start asking questions again that I haven't in a long while. I find myself asking about the nature of good and evil. I find myself asking about the nature of the world at large and why people do horrible things. Scripture reading just leads to more questioning. Divination leads to more questioning. It is an unending spiral that condenses down to two things. Anxiety and terror. Distracting myself with questions about the nature of everything is a way to avoid looking at the anxiety and terror I feel about having yet another chronic illness to manage, one that I know very little about and I know can be lethal. It is right up with the frantic exercise that I threw myself into last week trying desperately to force my blood sugar levels down with that. (One week of frantic exercise after months of being laid up due to a broken rib is severely unpleasant and exhausting. It may be the reason why my feet hurt right now, I'm honestly not sure.)
I find myself in the middle of a spiritual crisis right now. I call out to the gods but I'm so tangled up in my fear and confusion that I can't hear their answers. Thus, they find other ways to answer. Hence the incident this afternoon where an article popped up on my phone talking about how another author found themselves in a similar level of crisis. The solution was to keep working, make a point of planning their day out and sticking with routines, and being persistent. It brought tears to my eyes.
I may not be sure about the nature of good and evil. But I know that the gods are good to me.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, if you are so inclined. I would be most thankful.
♥
It may be apparent that my life is in some crisis again. I am feeling rather despondent about this diabetes diagnosis. It is exhausting to count every bite. It is also entirely necessary that I do so, thus I really have no choice in the matter. I find myself grieved by it all. The struggle against preexisting eating issues is all the more pitched now because I can't just eat like the rest of the family and ignore the voice at the back of my head telling me to starve myself.
This has lead me to start asking questions again that I haven't in a long while. I find myself asking about the nature of good and evil. I find myself asking about the nature of the world at large and why people do horrible things. Scripture reading just leads to more questioning. Divination leads to more questioning. It is an unending spiral that condenses down to two things. Anxiety and terror. Distracting myself with questions about the nature of everything is a way to avoid looking at the anxiety and terror I feel about having yet another chronic illness to manage, one that I know very little about and I know can be lethal. It is right up with the frantic exercise that I threw myself into last week trying desperately to force my blood sugar levels down with that. (One week of frantic exercise after months of being laid up due to a broken rib is severely unpleasant and exhausting. It may be the reason why my feet hurt right now, I'm honestly not sure.)
I find myself in the middle of a spiritual crisis right now. I call out to the gods but I'm so tangled up in my fear and confusion that I can't hear their answers. Thus, they find other ways to answer. Hence the incident this afternoon where an article popped up on my phone talking about how another author found themselves in a similar level of crisis. The solution was to keep working, make a point of planning their day out and sticking with routines, and being persistent. It brought tears to my eyes.
I may not be sure about the nature of good and evil. But I know that the gods are good to me.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, if you are so inclined. I would be most thankful.
♥
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Life is tumult.
It has been a trying two weeks. On the 30th of March, I got diagnosed with diabetes. It's all been rather confusing and distressing, to be perfectly honest. It is reassuring, in a strange way, that all of the change I have been making to my diet and behaviors (such as going semi-vegetarian and getting more exercise) are precisely what I should be doing to manage my new chronic illness. At the same time, it is incredibly vexing that these changes did not prevent this.
I'm working to make peace with this. I'm also working to get to a better place mentally. Between the stress and despair that rolls over me in waves because I have no idea what to do to get healthier and the stress and despair that linger from the winter's seasonal affective depression, I'm not doing too great in that department either. I've been struggling with a lot of self doubt and uncertainty.
At least the flashbacks have eased up some. Though if I have to become even more restrictive in my diet, that may become a problem because of my inclination towards anorexic behaviors. Tomorrow, I will be posting up e-books. As per usual, they will be less expensive via Lulu.com. I hope to have the manuscript for Drowning in Light completed with edits for the digital version by the end of the week. Changing format results in changes that need to be made to the text. It's a bit of a learning curve for me.
I'm working to make peace with this. I'm also working to get to a better place mentally. Between the stress and despair that rolls over me in waves because I have no idea what to do to get healthier and the stress and despair that linger from the winter's seasonal affective depression, I'm not doing too great in that department either. I've been struggling with a lot of self doubt and uncertainty.
At least the flashbacks have eased up some. Though if I have to become even more restrictive in my diet, that may become a problem because of my inclination towards anorexic behaviors. Tomorrow, I will be posting up e-books. As per usual, they will be less expensive via Lulu.com. I hope to have the manuscript for Drowning in Light completed with edits for the digital version by the end of the week. Changing format results in changes that need to be made to the text. It's a bit of a learning curve for me.
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