Fifth day of Nativity, and I'm tired.

 Dear Reader,

We celebrate Yule and Nativity at the same time. It just makes sense with the schedule factor. I was making presents up until the night of Nativity Eve. I still have a few to finish to mail out. Nativity Eve started out ok and then got a bit wonky but turned out alright in the end. Nativity day started out ok and then stopped just short of a disaster at my in-law's house. This business of things starting ok and then going sideways has been the theme for the last several days. It is exhausting.

I want to go take a nap but it's 4 pm and that's not really possible if I am going to get dinner done in time. I am no where near caught up with my paperwork that got messed up over the last three weeks. I did finish my tapestry but now I don't have an embroidery project at the moment to do. It's got me off kilter a bit. 

I spent the morning knitting the back of a baby sweater for my niece's baby who is due in the spring. I spent all of my daylight hours (with the exception of lunch and the times I had to do things with the kids) yesterday working on my monstrosity of a shawl/blanket. This thing is enormous and I hardly made a dent in the ball of yarn that I'm working from. It's the final triangle of the pattern and it requires 4 balls of yarn to make it. I'm probably half way through the second ball of yarn for that triangle. It was my other mad pandemic project. When I get it done I will post a picture of it.

My anxiety has been high because of drama with the extended family. I have been trying to get myself back into the habit of formal prayer sessions through out the day but the best I can manage is the morning offerings and maybe a 'Hail Marya' in the evening because I've been so busy. I thought that the time of Nativity was supposed to be a time of rest and celebration. It's turning into a time of work and exhaustion. I hope that isn't going to be the tone of the next year. 2020 was bad enough in those terms.

The Bright Mother's Laying In.

 Dear Reader,

I give you a tale of Mother's Night and the time to Nativity, as well as the time from Nativity to Epiphany. From the day of the Daughter's Conception to the day of Mother's Night, the Bright Mother walked upon the waters. The waters were becalmed by the Bright Mother's presence and bore her light tread as if sturdy earth. The cloak of Night settled about the Bright Mother as she drew near to the land, great with her Child.

The creatures of the world knew not that she was among them as the Bright Mother walked over the land to the Cave of the World at the center of a holy grove where once her feet had danced. The Bright Mother traveled disguised by the shifting shadows of Night looking to be of one form at one moment and then of another in the next. The Shining Ones above watched as she walked in awe that she had descended from pure bliss to the world to bear her holy Child. The primordial gods, known as the Elder Kin, the mirrors of Déa's pure light that had descended to keep watch over the mortal children of Déa, put aside their striving and remembered themselves.

They spoke to the mortal children of Déa, known as the children of the earth, and told them to go to the Cave of the World to behold a wonder. A great star appeared in the sky as the Elder Kin spoke to guide all that would go to that blessed place.

A Janya of Déa and one of the Elder Kin approached the Bright Mother as she reached the cave. The pair accompanied the Bright Mother into the Cave for her laying-in. They tended her as she groaned in childbed. The Bright Mother did thirst and the Elder Kin brought her water from a spring that arose at her side. As the Bright Mother drank, she blessed the primordial goddess. For three long days, the Bright Mother labored.

On the morning of Nativity day, the holy Child was born to the joy of the Janyati and the Elder Kin. All sang aloud in their celebration of the arrival of the long awaited Child. Outside the cave, a Janya stood guard and received the gifts of homage brought for the holy Child. Within the cave, the Bright Mother rested with her Daughter in her arms. The Janya and the primordial goddess served their every need as they rested.

Then, eleven days later, the Bright Mother stepped forth from the Cave of the World with her Daughter in her arms. This was the Epiphany of the holy Child. All the world drew breath with wonder and awe at the sight. The Bright Mother bore her Child with her into the the abode of bliss. The star that had shone so bright and wondrously through both day and night faded away into darkness after this. And that was a sign of things yet to come.

Going Radio Silent For A Few Days.

 Dear Reader,

Between this novel I'm desperately trying to finish (I'm 1/3 the way there!), the pile of Yule presents I am working on, and the work of getting the household ready for Yule, I'm going radio silent for this week and then posting will be sporadic. I'm half done with my Yule crafting. High Ones willing, I'll make things happier for everyone during these dark times.

Talk to y'all in a week! Hopefully, the book will be done by then. *crosses fingers*

Social Pressure to be a "Good Witch" is a Bitch.

 Dear Reader,

It's that time of year where it seems there's a lot of pressure to be "good". Good is a relative term but the socially accepted version of good goes straight back to the Christian over-culture. The holiday season tends to focus primarily upon the Christian holy day of Christmas. It's exasperating. To see the Puritanical Christian roots of the social concept of good bared through this season's focus on "good" is disgusting. I'm sorry, but I am not a person who is going to be all sweetness, forgiveness, and piety on those terms. That's not my faith and that's not how I live my life. But, gods above and below, there is a lot of pressure to do things like "forgive" toxic family members and try to have that fictitious Victoriana/Hallmark Christmas experience. 

In the Pagan community at large, that pressure bleeds into the discussion with people placing emphasis upon "hearth and home" and that pressure to "forgive" comes up. I see an increase in people criticizing others for not being aligned enough with the 'light' side of witchcraft. I see an increase in people trying to force witches and pagans into a socially acceptable box of "we're just lapsed Christians, we'll fit in to be nice." It is incredibly stressful to be pushed into that box. It's hard enough to go through life saying 'this is who I am and I am not Christian," it gets worse with the supposed 'war on Christsmas' people around and all of these people out there saying that the only good form of piety is Christian piety and all other forms of piety need to resemble it exactly to be valid.

A "good witch" is a token pagan member of the group who fits all the "nice" stereotypes. They're conventionally pretty in some fashion, they're willing to participate in the Christian rituals (secular and not), they don't discuss their religion at all, and they're always willing to use their resources to help make the holidays more 'magical' for others. In short, a "good witch" is muzzled, deprived of agency, and supposed to be an ornament that is useful as needed. 

I've lived that life. Fuck it. I'm not a "good" witch. According to some people, I'm a very bad one. Why? Because I am not all "love and light" in my work. I recognize that there is darkness out there and it is not to be feared. I recognize that I have shadow work to do and as uncomfortable as my authenticity may make the people around me, I owe it to myself to be honest in who I am. I'm considered a "bad" witch because I refuse to give up my dignity for the sake of being a holiday prop. I am considered a "bad" witch because I am a necromancer and I am public about it. I am considered a "bad" witch because I refuse to bow to the 'Elders' of various witchcraft traditions. I've gone so far as to actually get into fights with them over stuff like accuracy in historical claims, the acceptance of LGBTQ+ people, and the right of people to practice their own religion even if it differs from their spouse. 

I'm not a "good" witch. I'm a an experienced one. I am kind. If you are in need, I would give you the shirt off my back to make sure you were warm regardless of who you are. I am merciful to the weak and I am a holy terror to the smug, self-assured people of "power" because I recognize that all power is transitory and if you want me to respect you then you had better back up your claims.

Kindness can be a sword in the right hands. And a sharp tongue can be a balm in the right moment. The trick is recognize when it is the right time to act. I tend to hold back because I am a bit shy. But, there are things I don't hold back on. One of them is the attempt to force me back into the broom closet. Because that's where "good" witches live this time of year until they're trotted out for their token appearance. You don't want me to be your 'token' witch. Because I will show up and be myself, which can make your carefully planned role for me explode into unpredictable chaos. I'd blame it on Loki, but really, he just sits back and laughs as I destroy expectations by being myself.

Don't be a "good" witch. Be yourself and to Hel with anyone who can't handle it.

Candle safety during the holidays.

 Dear Readers,

This may seem a plebian and off topic post for this blog but it carries a very important reminder. A blogger I follow on another platform almost had a house fire because of a candle getting out of control. As I know that many of you, like myself, will use candles in ritual and for various other purposes, I just wanted to remind you to be safe with them.

Basic Rules for Candle Safety:

• Trim your wick to less than 1/4 inch from the wax
• Always burn your candle with supervision
• Keep all flammable objects well away from the candle (this includes overhead clearance)
  
• Make sure that your candle is out of reach of children or pets
• Do not burn a candle that has less than a half inch of wax left in the jar
• When extinguishing a candle, make sure it is FULLY out when you leave it - no smoke, no glowing embers. If it has either, it can reignite easily.
• Burn your candle on a level, stable surface this way there's no chance to hot wax tipping and going all over the place (It's a real pain to clean wax out of carpeting, just to warn you from my own derpy experience.)
• If you are using an electric fragrance warmer, treat it was a lit candle.
• Wait for your melted wax to fully cool and harden before transporting or disposing of your candle.
• Keep your candles well away from your Yule/Christmas tree. If that tree is the slightest bit dried out it is a MAJOR fire hazard. If you want the effect of candles on or near your tree, use the LED electric candles. 
• Keep your sleeves and such clear of the candle flame and the area above it. (Almost lit a sweater on fire because I wasn't paying attention, don't be like me on this one.)

Candle safety is important all year round. But it seems to pop up as a bigger issue during the holidays. This friendly reminder is partly for myself because I will do foolish things from time to time because I'm distracted (like that time I almost lit my sweater on fire).

Feast Day of the Conception of the Holy Daughter

 Dear Reader,

Within Filianism and Déanism, today is the Feast Day of the Conception of the Holy Daughter. It is considered one of the 'low' holidays of the liturgical calendar. The scriptural reading that corresponds with this is the passage describing the Bright Mother's conception of her Daughter by communing within herself and conceiving a child of Light that was of the Mother's Light and her own Light of divinity.

Activities to mark this minor holiday can include lighting candles and meditating upon the Light of Déa's love, saying the Rosary, or saying prayers for the deliverance of all of creation from the abyss of khear.

Coffee Sumbel? What?

 Dear Reader,

Due to my health conditions, I can no longer drink alcohol. As such, I would be unable to participate fully in any sumbels held honoring the Norse and Germanic gods. There is, however, an alternative. A get together that's been held in Germanic communities since the introduction of coffee is the coffeeklatch. You have your coffee and an assortment of goodies to eat as you visit with your guests. It's similar to the English afternoon tea (not to be confused with tea-time which is a heavier meal and more like what we call dinner in the USA).

A sumbel is a ritual where you get together and drink in honor of the gods, praising them for their goodness, making ritual boasts of feats you plan to accomplish, and generally enjoy the company of your companions and the gods. It's like a coffeklatch with alcohol (typically mead). Boasts made at a sumbel are considered to be an oath and their accomplishment will bring honor to the person performing it as well as the entire party gathered. Failure to meet the challenge that you have set for yourself may bring poor luck to the party and yourself, so a boast must be considered carefully before being made.

Replacing the alcohol with coffee makes it possible for people who can not have alcohol more fully participate in the sumbel. It also helps prevent intoxication fueled boasts that may put everyone involved into an awkward position. Coffee is still a mild mind altering substance (hello, sweet, sweet caffeine). So, purists who are concerned that the sumbel has been completely watered down can be a bit less worried. I've poured out plenty of coffee in offering to the gods and it's almost always been well received. On occasion, Loki will want a bit of Fireball in his coffee but I don't blame him on that one (it can be a tasty combination).

To the Orphaned Filianists

 Dear Reader,

There have been traditions of Filianism that have risen up and passed away. The Janite tradition is the most recent one to have done so. I know that this can cause great distress to the people who were left behind when the tradition collapsed. I wish for you to know that all is not lost. You can revive the orphaned tradition. There are sources of information out there about the traditions, some in text and others digital, that still exist. You do not need an unbroken lineage of ordination to revive these traditions. Charismatic ordination and deep study of the texts can provide you with what you need to carry the traditions forward.

Through the use of sites like Wayback Machine, you can find record of the blogs and sites discussing the orphaned traditions. Your search will have to be specific, which will rely upon your having knowledge of the tradition itself, but you can find records and similar information with a careful search. The 'secrets' of many traditions were shared before they were dissolved because of a desire to make the knowledge accessible to adherents. The trick is finding the sources where these 'secrets' are presented.

When you hit a road block and it's hard to decipher sources, take a step back and consider the information in context with what you know as a whole. Often, the truth is far simpler than we realize.

Do not give up hope if your tradition of Filianism is no longer 'publicly known' because the faith of one is as valid as the faith of thousands. And the work of one can breathe life back into forgotten patterns of faith as well as forge new ones just as well as the work of thousands. It might take longer because it is but one person, but Déa will give you signs of how to proceed in your work.

Regarding International Day of Disabled Persons.

 Dear Reader,

I am not expecting to make many waves with this post. My depression is currently telling me that it is an entirely pointless exercise in vanity to even be writing this. It is a constant cycle for me between depressive states and semi-normal states, with the occasional bump up in to hypomania. I have Bipolar II, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka CPTSD), and Seasonal Affective disorder (aka SAD). This time of year is particularly hard for me. Some of this is because there are anniversary dates of various traumas that I have experienced which come with depression and flashbacks. Some of this is because of SAD kicking me in the teeth. My Bipolar II likes to come to the party and make things especially miserable every few weeks to begin with, so when it's this season things are hard.

I am disabled due to mental illness. I also have an 'invisible illness' which is type 2 diabetes. It's really tough when people around you assume that you are 'fine' when you are sick like this. I don't typically talk about my disability or my diabetes because there is a measure of internalized shame for the situation I am in when it comes to my health. That shame is a direct result of my upbringing and the trauma that came with it. Even keeping that fact in mind, I still find myself embarrassed when I have to do a blood sugar check in public or feeling a deep sense of shame when I am taking my medications to manage my disorders. (I was raised in a household that didn't believe mental illness was a thing and that all people who took medication for it were drug addicts. That was the least harmful of the garbage that was spewed. I'm working very hard to un-learn this bias.)

My disability is the reason why I post in sporadic bursts of activity here. Some days, I am in such a deep, dark place inside myself that I can barely function even with the assistance of medication. Other days, I feel ok and I can post with ease. And then there's the hypomania which has me writing like there's no tomorrow. The tricky thing about hypomania is the fact that it can fool you into thinking that you're "ok" and that you just have a lot of energy so you can do ALL the things. The problem is, if you are fooled by it, there's going to be a crash and (if you're like me) you'll slide down into depression.

I am working very hard to overcome my disability. It is exhausting work to fight your own brain every day. I deeply appreciate the patience and kindness that you, my readers, have shown me as I slog through this mess. Today's post is difficult, but I felt it important to inform you that I'm not absentminded as much as it may seem. I'm just trying to get through the day with low energy reserves and brain weasels gnawing on me right now. Throw being a parent on top of my writing efforts and my attempts to keep the apartment clean (which doesn't work so great with two preteens around), sometimes I am too exhausted and rattled to post anything.

So, thank you for sticking by me as I keep marching forward. If you are struggling, don't give up. Things will eventually improve to a tolerable level. Just be patient, keep your faith close to your heart, and remember to keep your shield up as you push forward. You'll grind this under your heel as you march forward too. It's one day at a time.

On Walking a Blended Path of Filianism & Heathenry

 Dear Reader,

If you follow me on Tumblr, you may have noticed that I put up daily prayers for both Filianism and Heathenry. This is because I practice both faiths, albeit in a fashion that would confound purists of both faiths and half the pagan community at large (I suspect). The variant of Heathenry that I practice looks completely different from mainstream Heathenry. I honor the gods and have a personal relationship with several of them. I don't hold great rituals in their honor because I have children that would make it problematic. I do, however, make a point of daily worship practices, like giving an offering of coffee every morning and expressing my gratitude for their presence in my life.

I don't hold that Ragnarok is the end of all things. It is a time of major transition and those are typically accompanied by crisis on multiple levels. It is, however, not an ending but a 'reboot' of the entire cycle. It is my sincere belief that time is cyclical. It is equally my sincere belief that we do not die and just hang out in Helheim (or which ever hall your spirit goes to) until Ragnarok. I believe that we reincarnate. Our time in the realms of death are as temporary as our time upon Midgard. When we die in Midgard, we are born in the realms of death and experience something akin to life there.

Now, this may sound somewhat familiar to the Filianists in my readership. The Dark Mother's in-breathing of all existence is not the end of all things but a 'reboot'. All shall begin again as the Dark Mother exhales and the Bright Mother begins her dance of joyful creation. Death is not a permanent thing in Filianism. Some remain upon the Wheel of Existence until they have learned the lessons their soul requires to progress onward to the next realm of existence, a realm of pure spirit. One may asked in all of this how do I reconcile the holy Daughter with the plethora of other gods, how do I reconcile Déa at large with this pantheon that is very different.

It is my belief that all gods of all pantheons are Déa's children. They are present in this world and the spiritual realms as harbingers of the Daughter and as co-creators of existence. The tales of the end of existence that come with each faith speak of the cosmic cycle of rebirth. They are as dependent upon the Daughter for reunion with Déa as we are, for they descended into creation to watch over and await the coming of the Daughter. If it were not for the salvific nature of the Daughter, Ragarok would truly be the end of all things. 

Then there is the thorny (pun not intended) question of the Dark Queen. It is my belief that the realms of death, upon the defeat of the Dark Queen were put into the care of the various deities of death to ensure that she could not regain her stronghold. It is my believe that there are various levels to the realms of death, some parallel to each other, some that are not. Down, at the deepest level of the realms of death is the place where soul death happens because it is the place of khear's greatest. That place is the Dark Queen's stronghold. 

The deities of death hold their respective realms against the Dark Queen's infiltration to prevent her from returning to her stronghold before it is the time for all things to begin again. The Dark Queen, her court and her servants are scattered through out this world because it is closest to the realms of death due to the immanent mortality of all in this world. When the Dark Mother gathers in all of existence, the Dark Queen will be swept up in the process and restored to her primordial form. The Snake of Filianism will return to its amorphous form. All shall return to as it was during the era of potential before the Bright Mother engaged in creation.

Frith & Generosity.

 Dear Reader,

The holiday season is upon us. It looks a little different this year because of Covid-19, but there are some elements that remain the same. In antiquity, the Nordic and Germanic pagan cultures valued something known as 'frith' and generosity highly. These were the glue that helped hold the social structures of those societies together. We would do well to rekindle these concepts in our hearts to help heal the social agonies of our present day culture.

Frith is an ancient term. It denotes the concept of hospitality to strangers, keeping peace within the social group, and a state of safety. There are subtle differences across the different cultures how Frith was viewed, but these three major concepts underlay the variations. Frith literally translates to 'peace' or 'calm'. Places of sanctuary were denoted as frithgard, usually holy sites dedicated to the gods. The term Frith lasted up until the late middle ages with certain churches having a frith-stool, where one would sit upon if they were invoking holy sanctuary.

Generosity is well known, though not well practiced. Fame and renown in antiquity came in part from being known as a generous person in these cultures. Kings were upheld as examples of great generosity as they gave from their personal holdings to people who served them, people who were in need, and guests. How much of this is mythic uplifting of ancient kings as greater paragons of virtue than they were, who knows? The stories, however, tell us that this was a important element of the smooth functioning of that culture.

Now is the season of giving. We give gifts. We host parties. We celebrate widely. Let us remember in our giving to give the gifts of peace, good will, safety, and genuine generosity. Let us remember these things not because they commend us to others but in honor of the season and because they help us to be better people.