Dear Reader,
I am not expecting to make many waves with this post. My depression is currently telling me that it is an entirely pointless exercise in vanity to even be writing this. It is a constant cycle for me between depressive states and semi-normal states, with the occasional bump up in to hypomania. I have Bipolar II, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka CPTSD), and Seasonal Affective disorder (aka SAD). This time of year is particularly hard for me. Some of this is because there are anniversary dates of various traumas that I have experienced which come with depression and flashbacks. Some of this is because of SAD kicking me in the teeth. My Bipolar II likes to come to the party and make things especially miserable every few weeks to begin with, so when it's this season things are hard.
I am disabled due to mental illness. I also have an 'invisible illness' which is type 2 diabetes. It's really tough when people around you assume that you are 'fine' when you are sick like this. I don't typically talk about my disability or my diabetes because there is a measure of internalized shame for the situation I am in when it comes to my health. That shame is a direct result of my upbringing and the trauma that came with it. Even keeping that fact in mind, I still find myself embarrassed when I have to do a blood sugar check in public or feeling a deep sense of shame when I am taking my medications to manage my disorders. (I was raised in a household that didn't believe mental illness was a thing and that all people who took medication for it were drug addicts. That was the least harmful of the garbage that was spewed. I'm working very hard to un-learn this bias.)
My disability is the reason why I post in sporadic bursts of activity here. Some days, I am in such a deep, dark place inside myself that I can barely function even with the assistance of medication. Other days, I feel ok and I can post with ease. And then there's the hypomania which has me writing like there's no tomorrow. The tricky thing about hypomania is the fact that it can fool you into thinking that you're "ok" and that you just have a lot of energy so you can do ALL the things. The problem is, if you are fooled by it, there's going to be a crash and (if you're like me) you'll slide down into depression.
I am working very hard to overcome my disability. It is exhausting work to fight your own brain every day. I deeply appreciate the patience and kindness that you, my readers, have shown me as I slog through this mess. Today's post is difficult, but I felt it important to inform you that I'm not absentminded as much as it may seem. I'm just trying to get through the day with low energy reserves and brain weasels gnawing on me right now. Throw being a parent on top of my writing efforts and my attempts to keep the apartment clean (which doesn't work so great with two preteens around), sometimes I am too exhausted and rattled to post anything.
So, thank you for sticking by me as I keep marching forward. If you are struggling, don't give up. Things will eventually improve to a tolerable level. Just be patient, keep your faith close to your heart, and remember to keep your shield up as you push forward. You'll grind this under your heel as you march forward too. It's one day at a time.
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