Hello Friends,
Since I have been really struggling to write anything, I've gone to my trusty prompt box and I'm going to work through some prompts until the well fills up with ideas again. Update, for all y'all, I still am sick with walking pneumonia and having a terrible time sleeping. I have a feeling I will be getting poked and prodded at my next doctor's appointment. It is a double whammy of a pneumonia follow up and a diabetes follow up. I'm not terribly optimistic. Ironically, this leads into the prompt for today: What is the hardest part of faith?
The hardest part of faith for me is when the fallow periods hit. It seems like I have been utterly abandoned by my spiritual companions and forgotten by the gods. It hits me when I am in deep depression, which just makes it worse. I tell myself patience and continuing to pray will get me through it, but some of those prayers sound like me asking them if I should unalive myself because of how pathetic of a creature I am. That's really hard.
Conflating depression induced headblindness (the inability to perceive the Divine in anything) with depression induced suicidal ideation is awful. I don't get mopey, I just sit there numb and question why I was born and if there was a reason for all the hideous abuse I suffered when I was younger. I sit there with those sad, lonely, awful thoughts for a long while and then my need to survive and keep moving kicks in and I am doing things slowly and in fits and spurts, but I start to claw my way up out of the depression.
About when I clear the depressive episodes, I realize that they were all there and watching me the whole time. I wasn't alone spiritually, I just felt that way because my sickness was interfering with everything in my life.
The Catholic Saint John of the Cross called this type of experience the Dark Night of the Soul. It comes to everyone of faith at some point in their lives. Some of us get to ride that awful merry-go-round a few times a year. It is a terrible ride. I do not recommend it. -2567/10
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