Practical Witchery: Depression Witchcraft (pt. 3)

 Dear Reader,

It's been rough for a while now over in my neck of the woods. I'm starting to come out of that depressive episode and, boy, is there a mess around here to clean up. Depression can make you neglect things that are important, like self-care. For witches, self-care looks a little different for every witch you meet. One thing that they'll agree on is that regular practice of grounding and centering yourself is important to be on the path to recovery from depression. Now, if you ask 13 witches how to do this, you're going to get 463 answers.

Here's my contribution to that 463 answers.

• Eat or drink something - the act of consuming food and beverages forces one to focus on their body.*
• Sit on the floor or the ground. Then project your energy down through your spine and pelvis into the surface you are sitting on. Allow it to be absorbed and dissipate.
• Take a shower or a bath - this is like the first suggestion and works to get you back to a 'mundane' headspace.*
• Hold a rock or put your hands into dirt. Then project your energy through your arms, out your hands and into the stone or dirt. If you're using a stone, after projecting your energy into the stone, set it on the ground and wait for the energy to dissipate.
• Wash your hands or place your hands in running water
• Hold an ice-cube, for a more intense sensation to focus on place the ice cube in your mouth
• Note five elements of your environment that you see. Repeat the process with your other senses
• Practice the Square Breathing technique: Inhale to a slow count of four, hold your breath to a slow count of four, exhale to a slow count of four. Repeat as necessary.

You may notice that some of my suggestions are classic techniques used to help people with PTSD and other dissociative disorders to refocus on their present situation. These techniques work for people with depression and are struggling to focus. They are also highly effective for helping you let go unwanted energy.

*For people who are bodily dysphoric, these exercises are difficult and I recommend choosing one of the other exercises. Remember, this is supposed to be a gentle exercise to ground unwanted energy and focus you on the present moment.

Addendum: Bodily dysphoria happens for many reasons and to many people. If you are struggling with it, you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and your body, it is your home on this plane and as special as you are. (And yes you are special and deserve to be happy, healthy, and well.)

Practical Witchery: Depression Witchcraft pt. 2

 Dear Reader,

As I mentioned in my last post, depression is hard and it makes a lot of things challenging. The first step in handling your magical and spiritual life while depressed is to lower your standards for yourself. You would not expect a person with a broken leg or a badly sprained ankle to run a marathon. You should not expect yourself to perform as you would with out the illness of depression weighing on you.

I am currently in a depressive episode and I have had to drop my expectations for myself down a good bit. You'll find that I am posting less right now. This is not because I am giving up on the blog as much as I am posting what I have energy to do on a given day. Depression can make your energy levels fluctuate and cause problems with your ability to focus. As a result of these two things, I write less and try to do more concrete things that are fairly low effort (i.e. wash the dishes, crochet a washcloth, do some mindless task).

My magical practice takes a pretty big hit when I am depressed. I don't do nearly as many rituals and when I am engaged in a ritual, it's challenging because of that focus problem. This is where I pare down how many steps in a spell and just strive to get through the day. As of right now, I'm at lighting a candle and saying a prayer for something to happen. Super simple, really low impact on the effort scale, but effective magic.

Like I posted last week, you have to pace yourself. You have to take time to assess what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Somedays will be better than others because of that fluctuation aspect of depression. Some times of day will be better than others. Don't pour all your effort into one big thing when you have several little things to do as well. That one big thing might use up your energy and leave you too exhausted to do the little things that you need to. Remember, the goal is progress not perfection. And anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, because at least you tried.

Approaching the Divine from Trauma

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 Dear Reader,

I was raised in a severely abusive household. It has had lasting effects on my relationships with other and myself. It has especially impacted my relationships with the Divine. Deity as a benevolent parental figure is completely alien to me. The idea that I have value to the gods, that I have value at all is one that I struggle to grasp.

Some may say that the best way to approach this problem is with lots of prayer. The difficulty with this solution is that it requires approaching the Divine and opening yourself up to them. It can be a terrifying experience to be that vulnerable with a figure who has taken the place of your abusers. A part of you expects the abuse to continue on another level and the shifting, unpredictable demands that were part of the abuse cycle will return to your life if you open yourself to this figure. This is not because you are afraid of the Divine but of the past abuse and interacting with a figure that resembles in even a cursory fashion the abuser evokes terror.

Beginning the path of relationship with the Divine as a parental figure was at first a purely abstract exercise. I was not allowing myself to fully engage Déa as Mother. It has taken years for me to begin to emotionally engage Déa as Mother, not as the Great Queen whom I serve. Right now, it's painful. Recent events in my personal life has brought up a lot of trauma memories and old fears from when I lived in my parents house. The scriptures tell me to turn to Déa as my true Mother and to seek comfort in her. I struggle with this because I fear that she will be angered with me for my flaws and human weaknesses just as my birth mother was on a regular basis.

According to theory, I can offer up this fear to her. I can lay my burden at her feet. I am terrified to do so because I was so convinced in my upbringing that my burden is mine alone to carry and to lay it aside is morally wrong. I pray the rosary and pray for forgiveness. It is a small, terrified prayer of a child who is sure they're going to be punished for something that they did, despite not doing anything wrong. I find myself moved to weep but I force myself to remain stoic because I do not want to be weak in my service to the Great Queen. Then I remember the scripture readings about the power of tears. Afterwhich I cycle back to fear that my tears will repulse the Mother and lead to my rejection.

Still, I try to force myself to move past my fears. I try to remember that I am more than a mere creature, that I truly am human and worthy of love. (This is an on going difficulty in many relationships, including the godspousery ones.) Right now, the best I can manage is to admit that I am struggling and hope that Déa will be more merciful than the woman who raised me.

Shadow work & Filianism

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Dear Reader,

If you're in the pagan community, you may have heard the term 'shadow work' thrown around a few times. Shadow work is a form of psychological healing through ritual and magic that accesses the 'darker' elements of our psyche and works to reintegrate them and process the traumatic things that lead to the splitting off of and repression of these parts of ourselves. An excellent book on this from Timothy Rodrick is titled Dark Moon Mysteries: Wisdom, Power, and Magic of the Shadow World. I've reviewed this book before, this post is not another accolade. This post's focus is different, it is to illustrate the role of shadow work in a religion as focused on light as Filianism.

It is easy to forget in the mystical imagery of Filianism and Déanism that shadows and darkness are an important part of the whole. The Bright Mother and her Daughter are the primary foci for many. The janyati/angels whose aspects are more 'light' oriented are more frequently addressed because there is a degree of wariness lingering with respect to the janya who is associated with the 'dark' aspects of things, as well as a convenient forgetting that the others have their own 'dark' elements. This is not a criticism of this practice. It is an acknowledgement of it and an attempt to address the necessity to consider the shadow/darkness behind the light.

The Dark Mother is a mysterious figure as is Sai Rhavë. Both are associated with the ending of things. The janya Sai Kala is perhaps the penultimate association with endings as the janya of death and the terminal end of fate. This triad, however, should not be feared. They can help us handle our own shadow side and usher us into the light that exists within that shadow. These faces of Dea are benevolent. They see our suffering and desire to help us transmute it into healing.

It is under the auspices of the Dark Mother that we might explore our interior wounds and find healing as we reach a place of acceptance. It is under the auspices of Sai Rhavë that we may explore the deep injuries we have sustained within our souls and bring the shards of ourselves back to integrate into the whole for greater stability within ourselves. And it is under the auspices of Sai Kala that we may let go the pain of the past and move forward into the future to a new life with that pain having no power over us anymore for it's sway has died with our acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth of the situation.