Approaching the Divine from Trauma

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 Dear Reader,

I was raised in a severely abusive household. It has had lasting effects on my relationships with other and myself. It has especially impacted my relationships with the Divine. Deity as a benevolent parental figure is completely alien to me. The idea that I have value to the gods, that I have value at all is one that I struggle to grasp.

Some may say that the best way to approach this problem is with lots of prayer. The difficulty with this solution is that it requires approaching the Divine and opening yourself up to them. It can be a terrifying experience to be that vulnerable with a figure who has taken the place of your abusers. A part of you expects the abuse to continue on another level and the shifting, unpredictable demands that were part of the abuse cycle will return to your life if you open yourself to this figure. This is not because you are afraid of the Divine but of the past abuse and interacting with a figure that resembles in even a cursory fashion the abuser evokes terror.

Beginning the path of relationship with the Divine as a parental figure was at first a purely abstract exercise. I was not allowing myself to fully engage Déa as Mother. It has taken years for me to begin to emotionally engage Déa as Mother, not as the Great Queen whom I serve. Right now, it's painful. Recent events in my personal life has brought up a lot of trauma memories and old fears from when I lived in my parents house. The scriptures tell me to turn to Déa as my true Mother and to seek comfort in her. I struggle with this because I fear that she will be angered with me for my flaws and human weaknesses just as my birth mother was on a regular basis.

According to theory, I can offer up this fear to her. I can lay my burden at her feet. I am terrified to do so because I was so convinced in my upbringing that my burden is mine alone to carry and to lay it aside is morally wrong. I pray the rosary and pray for forgiveness. It is a small, terrified prayer of a child who is sure they're going to be punished for something that they did, despite not doing anything wrong. I find myself moved to weep but I force myself to remain stoic because I do not want to be weak in my service to the Great Queen. Then I remember the scripture readings about the power of tears. Afterwhich I cycle back to fear that my tears will repulse the Mother and lead to my rejection.

Still, I try to force myself to move past my fears. I try to remember that I am more than a mere creature, that I truly am human and worthy of love. (This is an on going difficulty in many relationships, including the godspousery ones.) Right now, the best I can manage is to admit that I am struggling and hope that Déa will be more merciful than the woman who raised me.