I was fretting and worrying about the nastiness of COVID-19. I was so caught up in my anxiety that I was putting off doing important research and acquiring tools for said research. This had been a sticking point for me, seeing friends and neighbors struggling financially and wondering when it was going to happen to us. Beloved pointed out that I had enough money squirreled away for writing stuff that I could afford the books I needed. Still I persisted in my fretting.
Then Freyr said in a tone of irritation, "Why are you not investing in yourself? Just by the damn books. You need them for your work. Stop saying that it's too expensive to buy the tools you need for your trade."
I ordered the books. Afterwhich, Freyr said, "Next, you're going to work on self-care practices. Because you're allowing your anxiety to ride you like a horse. Between now and when the books show up, you are going to work on yourself. COVID isn't going anywhere. Let that sit and be as it is. You're already doing the practical things to keep yourself and your family safe. Worry isn't going to get anything done."
I felt somewhat chastened by this. I got a stern look from him as I started on my habitual self-blame cycle. "Blame and worry are twin goads that drive you into misery. You should focus on pleasure, joy, and what you can do right now. Stop neglecting your joy out of some misplaced sense of duty to be the pain bearer of everything. That is not your place. Nor is worry going to do you any good but serve to make you yet more ill."
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