July for Loki: Post No. 13 - Burn Out.

Dear Reader,

The last few days have been rough. Honestly, the last few months have been rough. I feel a lot of guilt over things that I feel I should be doing. Loki's booped me on the nose for it and reminded me "Thou shalt not should on thy self."

I struggle with cyclical depression. It's part of the whole bipolar II thing. I'm at the time of year that the depression starts to hit. Some of it is because of my screwed up brain chemistry and some of it is because of complex emotional trauma. It's just a grab bag of suck. It's made more complicated by the fact that I am still in the process of rewiring my brain and unlearning terrible things (like the "fact" that religious people are delusional or the "fact" that my value is based on what I can do or provide as an economic commodity). 

As these feelings of depression roll over me and these unhealthy thought processes rear their ugly heads, I start having nightmares of drowning. I start feeling utterly burned out and exhausted. And I struggle to keep up with the bare minimum of what I need to do during the day. It seems a bitter irony that this year the depression started to hit me the day after the Summer Solstice. I thought I had a few more weeks before that.

And shufflemancy strikes again as Faun's rendition of Unda begins playing. Loki's reminding me again to just roll with it all. He keeps telling me when I am in this state that I should do what I can not what I feel I should do. 

July for Loki: Post No. 12 - Loki is a patron of the LGBTQ+ community.

Dear Reader,

As one meme that's been going around shows an image of Mjollnir with the caption "This hammer smashes fascists." we should not forget that there is other oppression that the Danger Duo (as a friend of mine at one point called Loki and Thor) takes on. There's a whole swath of marginalized people that the friends of Midgard are going to be interested in. Loki is especially concerned with the LGBTQ+ community. He is gender fluid in his presentation but masculine in his orientation. That means this shapeshifter god can pop up as a Marilyn Monroe-esque Hollywood worthy bombshell figure but still be himself. Loki has multiple lovers of different gender. Loki's been ergi in some relationships (it is my opinion that he's likely switch when it comes to the BDSM question because that makes it even more taboo for him to take on the submissive role). Loki's both sired and birthed children. He ticks of a lot of the LGBTQ+ bingo card points with out any effort just based off of the remaining lore we have after we filter out the Christian baggage and before we start talking about modern gnosis about him.

I know that as a god of transgressions, Loki is immensely supportive of people who are considered transgressions against society simply because they exist. I know that Loki is inclined to help out the marginalized people because he has a soft spot in his heart for the underdog. As such, he is especially concerned with the welfare of LGBTQ+ people of color. 

[...] I had more and a coherent additional point I was going to make here but typing up a post with a migraine doesn't work that well. Especially when there are a couple of pre-teens being rather loud in the background. Ugh. My battleship has been sunk. I'm stuck in a rubber dinghy and spinning my wheels trying to remember what more I wanted to add. Sorry.

July for Loki: Post No. 11 - Finally Caught up, for now.

Dear Reader,

In case it wasn't obvious by the ton of posts that I have been slapping up over the last few days, I was a bit behind on this meme. Somewhere out in the blogosphere there is a list of prompts for the entire month. I had access to it years a go but I lost the link when I had to wipe the computer and reinstall everything. Thank goodness I had the sense to back up all of the important information to thumbdrives.

Loki's patting me on the shoulder and telling me that I've done well with this project so far. I really feel like I haven't been putting out enough quality content but he says that heartfelt is what matters here. A lot of people are scared of Loki and that confuses me. I, however, went through a phase where I avoided him. I suppose I should talk about that for a moment because I can't think of anything else.

It was the early 2000s and Loki was making his presence known more and more. To the point that my roomate at college said that if I didn't at least acknowledge him, she had a feeling things were going to get even weirder and the weirdness that was going on was quite enough for her. An example of the weirdness was watching a plant putting out roots at a terrific rate and literally begin spinning clockwise in the bowl of water I had put the cutting in to root. No one touched that bowl, well, no one corporeal did. Loki just sat there beside me, smug as can be. I still avoided saying his name and did my best to say that he was just my imagination. 

Then a few years later when my life got really rough, Loki made his presence known very clearly. I was still sort of in my phase of "I'll honor you but I'm going to stay over here and you stay over there." Then someone harmful came into my life. They claimed that Loki sent them. At first, I didn't realize how harmful they were and I believed their claim. Then they began to take advantage of me and deliberately trigger my c-ptsd to further take advantage of me. This was when weird stuff began happening that made it harder for that person to be in my area. It culminated in a very large flock of crows roosting in the tree behind where I lived, terrifying the guy into leaving. I forgot to mention, this was a large tree and it was the middle of winter. The tree looked as if it were in full leaf because of all the birds roosting in it, cawing at night. 

The guy and I had another altercation and the Morrigan stepped in, telling me that I should break his neck. The guy laughed and told me to show him how I'd have placed my hands. So I lightly set my hands as Morrigan directed me and the guy blanched because he realized all I had to do was push hard upwards and I could actually break his neck. He left and never returned. Through out the entire year that this creeper was in the picture, Loki kept telling me he was bad news but I just wasn't listening because I wasn't ready to hear what Loki had to say. But Loki kept doing things to make sure that I knew that Loki wasn't the reason why that guy was around.

Number one, when that guy was around and he tried to claim he was a priest of Loki, Loki laughed at him and said that I had a better shot at being his priestess. Loki then began mocking this guy's magical history and telling me how much of a fraud he was. I figured that the guy wasn't as experienced as he claimed and he was trying to impress me. 

Number two, Loki made it difficult for the guy to reach me. I think he enlisted some help from his jotun relatives because the guy was regularly stuck driving through awful weather to get to my place. Beloved, on the other hand, usually had a pleasant trip and it was uneventful except for the occasional deer running across the road.

Number three, Loki all but physically manifested to wake me up when someone else was trying to break into my apartment. I, being in my 20s and a bit reckless, took my short sword, flung open the door to the fire escape and screamed at the guy climbing up "What the hell do you want?" I was half naked, weapon in hand, and pissed off. The would be intruder pissed himself and left quickly. 

He began with the stupid jokes and smart ass comments not too long after the third incident happened. He was just there being friendly. It was his idea that I put a really hot pepper into the pot of chili I made for Beloved when Beloved said that my chili was bland. Since then Beloved talks about that chili, the "thermonuclear chili," and giggles. It was a ridiculous scenario from the cooking to the eating. All because Loki said, "Hey, let's really add some spice."

It is the first day of the Filianic Month of Kerea

Dear Reader,

Today is the first day of the Filianic month of Kerea. This is the second month of the season of Summer. The holiday associated with this month is the high holy day of the sacred Feast of Regeneration (also known in orthodox circles as the Golden Grain Festival). This feast day falls on the 22nd of the month (which translates to August 1st, though some celebrate it on the 2nd. More will be written about this celebration when it arrives.

July for Loki: Post No. 10 - Morning Coffee.

Dear Reader,

We all have our little habits and rituals. When I don my hair covering for the day, I invoke Déa's blessing and protection over myself and my home. When I put on my jewelry for the day, I consciously invoke the various forms of blessing or protection associated with the items I am wearing. I have another daily little ritual that I do. I pour out a small cup of coffee that I dedicate to the gods, wights, and ancestors who love and protect my family. As I pour the coffee, I offer the first few drops to Odin. The second few drops are to Loki. Then to Freyr and so forth until the little cup is full. I do this every morning and then set it on the altar. I have an entirely different set of little rituals for Déa, but I'll post about that later.

Odin tends to like his coffee black with a bit of sweetner in it. Loki says that all coffee is good coffee and my coffee is the best. Frey pretty much says he'll have whatever I'm having, provided I have the first sip. It could result in my altar looking like a collection of all my coffee cups sitting on there if I filled each request independently. This is where I take advantage of the fact that you can leave spectral offerings of energy along with physical ones. 

So, as I am pouring out that cup of coffee, I give the essence of a pot of coffee with an assortment of goodies to go in it. I take my memories of things like milk in coffee and real sugar and put them out there on the astral plane. While I am physically placing a single cup of coffee on the altar, on the spiritual plane, I am putting down a tray of coffee with sugar, milk, cream, and other goodies to add to it that I am familiar with. There's a host of cups and spoons for all who want them.  (The art of making spiritual constructs is fairly simple. I'll post something about how to do it soon.)

But my morning ritual of pouring out coffee and giving it to the gods is something that Loki cherishes. He enjoys that I share my precious bit of quiet time in the morning with him. It's usually just quiet companionship as I drink my coffee and try to wake up. Sometimes it is consolation when my morning fasting blood sugar is too high for my liking (and a gentle reproach that I shouldn't have eaten the whole delicious fish fry the night before).  Just being with him is enough, however, because I know that spending time together with someone you cherish is precious.

July for Loki: Post No. 9 - Godspousery Notes Edition

Dear Reader,

Last night - well, early this morning to be precise, Loki sat down and had a conversation with me. He often shows up in my dreams and we will interact more like how you would with a physical person. Because you can do that with deities (and other spiritual beings) in dreams. We were at a park that I frequented as a kid, sitting in the gazebo by the pond. Fortunately, while this dream was realistic there wasn't mosquitoes. We were just sitting there enjoying each other's company and watching the fish in the water for a while. That was when I realized that the water was crystal clear and clean. (The real pond has a fair amount of algae and debris in it, the park isn't well maintained.)

"I didn't realize that there were bigger fish than bluegills in this thing," I said to him. He chuckled.

"There once were, what you're looking at is the past," he answered.

"It's pretty," I replied. Loki pulled me closer to him, so that I was actually snuggled up against him.

"I wanted to remind you that the past isn't just full of ugly things, mistakes, and heartbreak," he said. I smiled up at him and was about to say something when he set a finger on my lips. "You tend to dwell on the heartbreak and the pain when you're depressed. I know it's hard to remember the good things but that's why you keep a gratitude log. You haven't been writing in yours. I know you're mildly depressed and it is slowly getting worse. But you need to start using that notebook again."

I mumbled something about how he was right or something along those lines when he took my hands and looked me intently in the eye. He said, "I take care of my people. I expect them to take care of themselves as best they can. You've been getting sloppy and careless about that again. We don't need another lesson in gravity again, do we?" I blushed and remembered my tumble down a flight of stairs because I didn't listen to his warnings (his repeated warnings) and the fractured rib from the shovel that 'caught' me. He could tell that he had lost my attention and literally went 'boop' as he tapped me on the nose. This confused me and redirected my attention back to him. "Make time to take care of yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You are going to need all those little self care practices you've developed to get through this. Welcome to the rest of your life, dear."

"I kinda gave up on the idea of homeschooling because I'm disabled," I mumbled.

"That's not what I'm talking about and with proper pacing for you and the children, you can do this. You can even get that writing career going too. It's all about using those tools that you got shamed for using in the past. They were wrong about you. You can do this and your method works for you, so don't give it up because of the ghosts of your parents disapprove of them or would call them crutches. You've a broken leg, you need crutches to walk a marathon." He then kissed me on the forehead. 

My dreams morphed into a series of surreal floral landscapes and watching glorious sunsets and sunrises. It was a relief from my usual nightmares of the past. I awakened feeling determined to do all the little things that I needed to so that I could be successful over the next week. If Loki says I can do it, that means I can, right? After all, he's a god with a bit more of a big picture view of the situation than I have right now.

July for Loki: Post No. 8 - Not a priestess?

Dear Reader,

Some people conflate spirit workers with spiritual advisors. And the same mistake may be made in conflating godspousery with priesthood. Some godspouses are priests of their spouse. Others are not. I am not a priestess of Loki. I would be more likely to be described as a nun. A person who has take an oath that bonds them to their deity of choice.

Beloved will joke about Loki being my "employer" (which leads to Loki joking about how I'm his hot secretary) but I don't work for Loki. If Loki asks me to do things I may if I am inclined. Generally, Loki asks of me things like I should do proper self care and such. He gets grumpy when I am not taking care of myself (which I tend to do when I get depressed and then he will let me know in no uncertain terms how he feels about it).

Loki is my spiritual lover. Loki is my dearest spiritual friend when it comes to deities because he's been there the longest. And Loki is one of my biggest supporters. He's not my boss.

That's Déa. Who's also spiritually a mother figure at the same time as boss. When Déa says jump, I don't get cute and ask how high, I just go with it. Not because Déa is going to punish me for not jumping but because it is my job to jump when she says it. If I don't do my job, I don't keep my job. And that's something that Loki (and others) don't want to see happen. So, they get out of the way and do what they can to help when Déa makes herself known.