Book progress notes (because Camp NaNoWriMo)

 Dear Reader,

I may have mentioned back in April that I was working on a Lokean devotional. Well, my brain decided that a massive depressive episode was necessary and that screwed up getting the thing done that month. April is the first Camp NaNoWriMo of the year, July is the second one. I have about a third of the first section of the book done. It's not going to be very long and my goal is not 50k words. My goal is to write for an hour every day until this thing is finished. On the days where I can get more than an hour worth of writing in, I'll do so. It's just been difficult because the kids are very distracting when they're around and when I'm not working on my writing, I am doing stuff to keep the household running. It's just a difficult month to do Camp NaNoWriMo. (By the way, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which officially takes place in November.)

I'm working on it, it's just going slowly. Hopefully it won't stretch into August because I have books to edit slated for time in that month. We'll see. I'm doing my best to post daily for the July for Loki meme over on my other witchy blog. It's not going that great because I am kinda short on time for writing across multiple platforms.

July for Loki: Post No. 31 - The Sly-One Strikes Again.

Dear Reader,

I was working on my Filianic transcription project (I'm transcribing a copy of The Gospel of Our Mother God because mine is falling apart.)  when Loki said "Look at the numbers." I was working on transcribing the text of The Way of Simplicity. I was nearly to the end of the passage when I realized that the verse numbers jumped from 23 to 36. At which point, I picked up my Kindle and opened the .pdf of the NCUV and scrolled to The Way of Simplicity. I discovered that this 'authorized' version of the Filianic scriptures skipped approximately half of the text. I adjusted the verse numbering to reflect what it would have been on the page if it hadn't jumped to verse 36. It's a liberty that I feel comfortable taking considering that the editorial staff working on The Gospel of Our Mother God felt comfortable dropping approximately half of The Way of Simplicity.

I feel that this is dishonest of them. I understand that the cost of publication goes up with page count. At the same time, if you have the audacity to claim that you are the authority upon the sacred texts of a faith, you should present the entire text not what's convenient. I am as of this moment, somewhat offended. At the same time, Loki has pointed me out locations where I can buy physical copies of the other major versions of the sacred scriptures of Filianism and it won't break the bank. I'm still going to replace this copy of The Gospel of Our Mother God because I want to keep it in my library. This particular version, however, is going to be getting used for notation and similar things. 

I'm not of a habit of writing in my books. I'm making an exception for this one because the binding is falling apart and I'll be replacing it soon. I find myself asking what is so inappropriate in The Way of Simplicity that they had to completely skip it. And for what reason did they reference the Crystal Tablet but not put it in. If it weren't for the fact that others in the community have created amazing resources and done due diligence to assure the accuracy of their work, I would be stuck wondering if the Crystal Tablet was a reference to the Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismegistus. (Which I admit, I was confused and wondering if there was a reference there that I was missing because it didn't seem to fit with Filianism.)

July for Loki: Post No. 30 - Untitled.

Dear Reader,

I don't have a quip or any manner of witty catchphrase to slap up as a title for today's post. I've been struggling with enormous anxiety and a good deal of physical pain today. Peter Gabriel's rendition of David Bowie's song Heroes keeps ringing in my ears. It's a good version. It's inspired a good amount of writing in some fiction I've been working on.

The part of the song that keeps running through my head is: 

I, I can remember

Standing, standing by the wall

And the guns, shot above our heads

And we kissed, as though nothing could fall

And the shame, the shame was on the other side

Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever

Loki is with the protesters. He moves among them as does Thor and Odin. As does the other old gods. We live in dangerous times. These gods that we had abandoned collectively a long time ago have not abandoned us. They're here inspiring us to outrageous acts of courage (Naked Athena for example) and compassion. 

Loki wants all of us to remember that we can be heroes, even if it is for just one day. Stand against tyranny. Just your act of existence is an act of protest and is heroic. Support the ones on the lines. Demand justice for the ones who are being assaulted under the color of law and dragged away in vans. And remember that we must love each other with all the ferocity that we have within us.

July for Loki: Post No. 29 - Center of the Storm.

Dear Reader,

A popular image of Loki is that he is a raging storm that turns everything in his path into tumult. It's been used to vilify him for a very long time. While he is a force of nature ensouled, there is order that comes with his chaos. Looking at fractals are a great example. They're chaotic functions that are random in their manifestation. And yet there is an internal symmetry and a clear pattern to them. Sierpinksi's Triangle is a great example. Or the growth of a tree.

Going back to our storm analogy, it is better to describe Loki as the eye of a hurricane. He is the still point around which the rest revolves. He is the cause and the expression of it. Most people would get out of the way of a hurricane. You can't exactly get out of the way of Loki. He's everywhere. He's in the butterfly effect that effects the entire world with one small action that is seemingly meaningless.

It is better not to run from Loki when he comes calling. He will pursue you if you've caught his interest. Instead, stand boldly in the face of what comes with him and be prepared for change. If you can stand boldly in the face of the storm, you can reach the still place at the center and walk with him to where you need to be, all the while being prepared for the second wave of chaos that comes as he moves on elsewhere.

July for Loki: Post No. 28 - Sexuality of Deity?

Dear Reader,

One of the questions that pops up for godspouses is what's their sex life like and what is the sexuality of the deity they're involved with like. It's a question that rankles me. Loki likes to tease me and call me a prude because I get uncomfortable discussing the intimate details of sex (and yet I write erotica, go figure). I get upset with this question for the same reason I get upset with similar questions about my intimate relationship with Beloved.

This stuff is private. This is something that is between lovers and not for the whole world to criticize and give their opinions on. I wouldn't walk up to a random stranger on the street and ask them for juicy details about their sex life. Random asks like that is exactly the same. It's rude and offensive. Not because of the topic but because of the level of entitlement the person asking the question dares to approach you with. 

Godspouses and spirit-workers don't owe anyone a damn shred of information about what their sex life is like. The assumption that their sex life is the primary model of what all are like is moronic in my opinion. There are as many different ways to have sex as can be imagined. Only limitations are on what you can bring to fruition within the manifest world. Following the rule of safe, sane, and consensual is a must for any flavor of sex you're involved in. If all parties are happy, no one is getting injured, and there's no harm, everyone else can shut their mouths and look the other way.

My experience of the sexuality of Loki is varied and complex. That's because our relationship is varied and complex. At the same time it is simple. Because there's core elements that are the building blocks of the relationship that don't change regardless of what ever activities we've engaged in. There seems to be this idea floating around that if one puts enough pressure on a deity they're attracted to that they'll get to have sex with them. Throwing yourself at a deity and begging them to have intimate relations with you is not a good idea. It doesn't matter which deity it is.

It's like trying to make your way into someone's pants by way of being their friend. You don't put in kindness tokens to get sex out. With gods,  you don't put in offerings and prayers to get sex out. It's a dick move and I can tell you right now that where a person might not see through the ploy, a deity can. And generally, they get offended by this type of behavior because you're attempting to rob them of agency.

(Pro tip: Don't pull this with any fertility deities, they'll ruin your day for it. Especially the twins.)

You may be smitten with a deity. You may lust after a deity. You can choose to offer them sexual energy. That doesn't mean that they're going to instantly come and gratify your desires. Spend some time getting to know the deity and build the relationship. It may be that it becomes an intimate relationship that involves spirit-sex. It may be that it turns into something entirely different that is better for you than that spirit-sex focused relationship ever could have been.

July for Loki: Post No. 27 - God of Trauma Carrying.

Dear Reader,

I'm going to be the first person in line to say that Loki is not the only god who has trauma that they carry. His is, however, some of the most well documented. If you go through the old stories, we have a pretty good sized list that makes me think that if there was a god to turn to for support in carrying your own trauma, Loki would be your go to 9 times out of 10.

First, one must question what reason Loki goes by a matronymic surname. It is my suspicion that his relationship with his father is bad and his rejection of his father by way of being known as Laufey's son instead of Farbuti's is an indication of how toxic that relationship is. This is all UPG, mind you, but when most are known by a patronymic surname, it makes you wonder. At best, Farbuti is an absent figure, worst case... well, we've all read about domestic abuse of children in the news. Add to this the fact that these are deities and I am sure it gets uglier. (This could hint to why Loki is willing to do what seems insanely reckless, like betting his head, because his logic is what the other party could do couldn't be much worse than what he grew up with.)

Then you have the myth where Slepnir is conceived. I've noted a number of people making rape jokes concerning this myth. It seems to be generally believed that Loki didn't willingly conceive his equine son. If we operate upon this presumption, then Loki is most definitely a survivor of sexual assault. He is mocked for this "perversion" in the Lokasenna and a time when he reported lived beneath the mountains and birthed yet more "monsters". It is unclear if the time he lived beneath the mountains was a period of misadventure or not. The ambiguity opens the door to consider the possibility that Loki was the victim of sexual assault multiples times. There's a lot of trauma that goes with sexual assault and it gets compounded if it happens more than once in someone's life.

Next we have to consider the entire myth cycle where he is with Angrboda and their children are taken away. Some sources declare that Loki wasn't a willing partner in their conception. We've covered sexual assault trauma. But let's put this aside for a moment, what level of trauma would it be to have your children kidnapped by your blood-brother? (I have an alternative story that runs counter to the kidnap story and the additional sexual assault story, but that will wait for another day.) All because they're afraid of a prophecy that they bring into actuality with the kidnapping of the children of Loki and Angrboda. (This is not the first time someone does something to 'prevent' a prophecy and winds up fulfilling it. And it is someone who is supposedly smart enough to know better than that.)

Or the myth cycle of the binding of Loki that includes the murder of his sons by Sigyn, Narfi and Váli. How traumatic would it be to witness the murder of your children? And then to be bound for the remainder of time within a cavern with the guts of one? (I would consider the transformation of Váli as a form of murder for he is magically transformed into a wolf that ravages Narfi, whose guts are used to bind Loki to three stones. Váli Lokison is, in my opinion, as much a tragic victim in all of this as his parents. That, however, is something for another time as well.)

The Bound God is subject to slow torture despite Sigyn's efforts to relieve it. Loki carries a mountain of trauma experiences in the lore that we have. Even if we do our best to dust off the influence of Christianity and other elements that have made the stories drift away from their original sources, Loki is still a tragic figure. People in modern heathenry tend to focus on Baldur as suffering the ultimate tragedy because he was such a "good" god who was slain by way of misadventure. But, honestly, Baldur's death as unfortunate as it was/is pales compared to the sheer volume of wrongs wrought against the god of mischief. 

Baldur dies. He is given a proper send off to Hela's hall. He is received with honors. Loki lies beneath the earth perpetually bound and suffering the acid drops of venom falling from the serpent that Skadi puts over his head, watching as his beloved wife Sigyn struggles to keep things together witnessing this and holding a bowl to catch the venom. But at some point, that bowl fills and she must empty it. And one wonders where did she get that bowl, is it perhaps the hollow of Narvi's skull cupped in his mother's hands?

There is a reason why I turn to Loki when my own trauma gets too much to bear, because he's seen some shit and always has a cunning way to help me carry my own load.

July for Loki: Post No. 26 - God of Heart and Home

Dear Reader,

It may sound strange for me to refer to Loki as a god of heart and home, but give me a chance to explain this position. There is this cute little hand towel that I found at the store and brought home. It exactly describes my home. On it is an embroidered motto: This home is built on love and chaos. If you have seen two children in action, you know that they're chaos engines regardless of their age. I seem to have a weirdness magnet strapped to my butt that has a large enough range effect that weirdness happens to my husband too.

Loki has a lot of love to give. He is a deity who is often overlooked because of the bad press he's gotten. He is very devoted to his people. He will move the nine worlds to try to get us what is best for us. Now, his vision of what is in our best interests and our visions of what is in our best interests may differ, but that doesn't change the fact that he's trying his hardest to help us be our best selves. Loki's enormous heart has been wounded and he can empathize with us in our struggles in this world because of it. Parents who are bereft of their children are especially ones he has deep compassion for. 

Going back to the home theme, Loki is a god who can make a home wherever he goes. Skrýmir's glove was like a house to him, Thor, and Thor's servants. Some paint this as a foolish mistake when they tell this tale. I think, however, Loki's inventiveness was such that he was able to make this enormous glove seem a comfortable place to rest. Perhaps it took a little magic and shenanigans, but would we be that surprised if it was the case to take an empty room and make it comfortable? Loki wasn't perfect in this, but the story would have turned out very differently if he was.

Is Loki Thokk in the tale of Baldur's death? Perhaps, and the ability to transform a cave into a cozy place of residence where Frigga felt comfortable entering and speaking with the occupant would be an important thing to note. Caves have a reputation of being dangerous, cold, damp, and generally unpleasant. Thokk's cave has more of an air like a hobbit's hole in the tale than that. 

Loki is one of my family's patron deities. There's always been a bit of strangeness and charm about my little family. Our luck runs in strange directions that don't always make sense. If nothing, this itself is the reason why I can call him our god of heart and home.

July for Loki: Post No. 25 - Godspousery Edition II

Dear Reader,

Sometimes, things get weird. Relationships are weird. You pick one being at random and decide that you like them and then they decide that they like you and poof you're friends or something. Whole cohorts of people that arise from random situations forcing them together forged into a series of life long friendships are just weird. I mean, it didn't have to be those people. It could have been others. You could have all hated each other. It could have be any of a thousand possibilities but that one situation had this one result. That looking back just seems logical. Backwards logic is bullshit.

That's something that Loki taught me and regularly reminds me to keep in mind. Happenstance does a lot of shit. We can look back and trace a path through it and say "This is how it works" but it just shows one of many different paths that take you to the same position in the present.

I've been applying a lot of backwards logic of late and Loki's been calling me out on it. He has really been pushing me to stop and look at family dynamics. I've a lot  of trauma that I've been processing. It's exhausting. And yet, Loki stops me from saying "Well, that's just how it works." He reminds me that what I'm doing with my kids is 1000000x different from what my parents did with my brothers and I.

It was really hard yesterday when I got triggered by a video I saw. I had a few hours where my brain wasn't processing information correctly because of the ptsd crap. Loki walked me out of that mental fog by helping me not do backwards logic and apply the conclusions that came out of backwards logic to the present. Because backwards logic in that flashback moment was telling me that I was helpless, a failure, and in danger. He helped me recognize that I wasn't helpless. He helped me remember the ways that I am successful. And he reassured me that I wasn't in danger. It was a pretty big deal.

July for Loki: Post No. 24 - Just Be As You Are.

Dear Reader,

I frequently question if I am good enough. I have some major anxiety issues. Loki (and others) remind me that it doesn't matter what my anxiety tells me. I just have to be myself and do what I know is right. I don't have to be some one else's idea of a priestess of Déa. I don't have to be some one else's idea of a godspouse to Loki and Freyr. I don't have to fit the suburbanite mold of what a good housewife and mother looks like. I don't have to fit the toxic mold that my parents did their best to push on to me as I was growing up. 

I just have to be myself. I'm allowed to cry when I am hurt and I don't need to fear someone hurting me for it. I'm allowed to feel insecure and not have to justify my feelings to some inquisitor who believes that I have no reason to feel that way. I am allowed to have my faith with out having to hide it or worry that someone is going to report me to child protective services because I'm not a Christian (a threat that a relative had made before I had kids during a family "intervention".) or because I have mental illnesses that disable me. I am allowed to be who I am in my flawed, struggling way. I don't have to be perfect.

It all cycles back to "Everything's broken, nothing's perfect."And that is liberating. The mental chains of feeling like I have to be perfect at everything to prove my humanity are snapped apart with that statement about the world. It completely changes my paradigm with the world and gets a little disorienting at times. But, this is what World-Breaker does. And this is one of the reasons why I love him. 

July for Loki: Post No. 23 - You can't go backwards.

Mikky Ekko has a song, Smile. Loki likes to use it to remind me that it's rough but we've got forever ahead of us. He likes to use it to remind me that nostalgia for a past that didn't happen isn't healthy for me. I struggle with false memories that tell me the past was better than it really was. I struggle with the idea that perhaps I am wrong and the horrific experiences I lived through didn't really happen.

Some days, I want to go back into the past where nostalgia and false memories tell me that I was healthy and happier. But you can't go backwards. And even if you could, you can't go back to something that didn't exist. Loki makes a point of telling me that it will be ok when these moods hit me and I fear that my best days are no longer ahead of me. Avici has a song, Broken Arrows, that Loki regularly points out to me. He uses it to remind me that no matter how bad I feel in the moment, it will get better.

He tells me that it's a good thing that we can't go backwards. He reminds me that in the past only lies heartbreak. He tells me that my heart was always right to say that the best days lay ahead of me. No matter how low I get, he reminds me that the only direction to go is up. He says that memories are echos but you can't always trust echoes because they get distorted the farther they travel. He says that sometimes the stories that we're told about ourselves by others paint the scene that they wanted it to be, not what was really there. He tells me not to long for that false scene because it is a tissue of lies and can't sustain me.

It's painful when he tells me these things. But I know that he's not doing it to hurt me. It is because he's doing his best to help me heal and become stronger in the face of a traumatic past.

July for Loki: Post No. 22 - The sun is too loud.

Dear Reader,

As I write this, I am working my way through a migraine. Please forgive any misspellings or odd phrasing that happen as I write here.

Loki is a deity who isn't fixed to a single direction. Some people like to assign directional orientations to deities as they attempt to classify the universe and make sense of it. He's got the essence of Air with his wit and his obvious kenning Sky-Treader. He's got the essence of Fire by the way of his birth (Farbuti is a storm jotun and Laufey is an earth jotun associated with pine trees - lightning + pine forest = wild fire) and he's assumed the position of a fire deity within modern belief systems just about entirely across the board. He has the essence of Water through his invention of the net for fishing and his transformation into a fish. I'm sure there are more stories that are lost that talk about him changing into other water associated animals. He is a shape-shifter after all. Loki has the essence of Earth through his mother Laufey and through his binding beneath the earth. There are some stories that don't mention a binding but that his hall is a cavern with snakes present at a place where the land meets the ocean.

Now, if you're of the camp that says Earth is in the North and such, you're going to have a hard time finding a direction for Loki because he can fit into any of the four categories commonly used. And then there is that fifth direction, the vertical axis. He fits there too either as the Sky-Treader or the Bound-God. Loki defies definition because he is the essence of change and chaos. As soon as you think you have a handle on him, he changes and the entire paradigm shifts.

July for Loki: Post No. 21 - Sky-Treader & Lightning

Dear Reader,

Here's something of an old familial thing in my family. Loki is the lightning and the thunder is Thor's hammer striking its target, possibly Loki depending on how well they're getting on that day. When the days are hot and the air shimmers, making illusions of water on dry ground, that's attributed to Loki through familial stories. 

I honestly don't know how many others have this in their familial background of stories. This came down from my mother's side. Which is a little weird because they're fundamentalist Christians, but pretty much everything about Loki and my family is weird. Sky-Treader would drink with my mother, keeping her distracted from my brothers and I. He would encourage her to leave a bit of drink out for the land-wights. He encouraged her to tell us stories about the Norse pantheon. I learned about the Loka-tattur many years after my mother told me a story about Loki helping a farmer's son outwit a troll.

My mother wasn't a devotee by any stretch of the imagination. She was publicly an atheist. She actively mocked people for their religious beliefs, if not to their face then behind their backs. Yet, at the same time, she had these habits that she had. Like always cooking enough food so that there was enough for at least one more person (in addition to whatever was planned for leftovers) and she called it "god's portion".

But, one of the stories she told me was that Loki was lightning and Thor was the thunder following after. That one stuck with me for a long time.

July for Loki: Post No. 20 - Femme!Loki scares me like Freyja.

Dear Reader,

Femme!Loki scares me in the same way that Freyja does. Waay too pretty. Waay too intimidating. Clearly out of my league. Femme!Loki has all the qualities that I find attractive in women. That makes me instantaneously terrified and bumbling/stupid at the thought of talking to Loki (or Freyja). I worry I'm going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or be the wrong person somehow and everything goes very bad. I worry that I'll accidentally offend when I attempt to give a compliment. I worry that I'll look stupid when I don't necessarily get the joke or follow what Loki's saying.

It's a small mercy that Loki presents as Masc!Loki most of the time because I don't get hit with that level of anxiety very often around him. Loki, however, has a wicked sense of humor and will switch from Masc!Loki to Femme!Loki just to watch me start blushing and stammering over my cup of coffee. Loki is of the mind that I need to work through my anxiety and such when it comes to interacting with other women. I suspect this means more conversations with Femme!Loki.

Did I mention that Femme!Loki strikes me as way out of my league? Loki finds this amusing.

July for Loki: Post No. 19 - Nothing's Perfect, Everything's Broken

Dear Reader,

The subject line of this post is something that Loki told me when I was fretting over being good enough. He said to me, "Here in Midgard, nothing's perfect, everything's broken somehow. That doesn't make it less wonderful." I struggle to keep that in mind. When I get caught up in a negative cycle of thoughts (usually triggered by some manner of past emotional trauma), I work very hard to remember that fact. 

One day, I was having a particularly bad case of body dysphoria (yes, even cis-gender people can have body dysphoria), Loki sat me down and said, "Are my scars ugly?" I just blinked at him in confusion. I couldn't really conceive of him with out those scars. They were as natural to him as his red hair in my eyes. I just sat there in confusion and he asked me again, "Are my scars ugly?"

I answered that they weren't, they were a part of him and a part of his story to tell.

He told me to remember that every time I looked at my own scars, physical and emotional.

July for Loki: Post No. 18 - Fear and Mysticism with Loki

Dear Reader,

This is not going to be an easy post to write. It may be a bit abstract in parts. It will also have some content that may trigger someone with PTSD from emotional abuse. I ask that you read with care.

Before I get to the heart of my content today, I have to give some backstory. I grew up in an ugly household. The toxicity of my parents is such that I have fully broken contact with them for the sake of both my sanity and the safety of my children. They were (and remain) emotionally abusive and manipulative. I was frequently gas-lighted by my parents about the physical abuse that happened. There's a stretch of about ten years that I don't remember except in bits and pieces. The memories that I have come up and that I do recall clearly do not mesh with the story that my parents told us about our childhood. My brothers also don't recall this period of time. They act like this is normal and I am the one with a problem because I reject the story that they tell each other.

I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood in fear. When Loki came to me, I was afraid that my parents were right - that I was crazy. When my psychic gifts began to manifest, I was punished for "lying". The starkest memory of the punishment for "lying" was when my parents beat me for insisting that my beloved great-grandma Hazel wasn't dead but standing on the porch of the funeral home. I was accused of just about everything under the sun except for being a whore because we lived in the middle of nowhere. My insistence that I was innocent of their accusations resulted in a range of punishments that included things like having the door taken off of my bedroom, being made to kneel on spilled grains of rice for long enough that the rice was pressed into my skin (which they made me clean up by hand, despite the fact that I hadn't spilled the rice), and being humiliated in front of my brothers.

When memories of those days come up, I get a little spacey and Loki is there to ground me. He reassures me that my memories are real. He helps me focus on the present and the fact that I am safe from them. When I have an unexpected mystical experience, the old,conditioned fears hit me like a sledge hammer. I start to dissociate and Loki helps me get grounded and oriented with the present. It was Loki who reassured me that Déa was real when I had my first vision of her.

Initially, I was afraid that Loki was lying to me. For some reason, I never questioned the reality of Loki except for when I had my first vision of him. I had read about gods and accepted that all gods were real somehow. I just wasn't aware that you could see them, let alone interact with them. What I had been taught about deities were that they were distant and indifferent to humanity, if one were to be so gullible to accept the argument that they were real. My religious inclinations gained me the scorn of my parents on top of what scorn was already there on the basis of the fact that I was a first born daughter when they felt I should have been a son.

When ever my parents were heaping scorn upon me, Loki was there at my side. He continually told me not to listen, not to accept their vision of the world. He continually told me that I knew the truth and I was a good person despite any flaws they claimed they found in me. Loki proved himself to be truthful and honest by confirming reality for me when my parents were attempting to break my psyche. I don't particularly like his kenning of Lie-Smith in the face of how much honesty he put before me. It was Loki's influence that got me into therapy and it was Déa and Loki's influence that got me out of their clutches long enough to see proof that what I knew in my heart about how the world works was real.

My parents called college a "failed investment" and in saying that, implied that I was a failure when I returned home and didn't land a nice job immediately. I had learned from Loki something about freedom. As such, I resisted their efforts to force me back into the box I was in up until I left for college. I believe this is part of the reason why they kicked me out of the house when I was extremely ill. Again, Loki came to my aid by a confluence of luck and unexpected resources, along with my very determined Beloved and my devoted grandparents. Through Loki's influence, I found my way to resources that discovered I had a life threatening allergy to a common medication and was set on the path to greater health. 

When things get desperate, Loki has always been there to support me and point me in the direction of the way out of the problem. It's ok to be afraid. Mysticism feels a lot like you're going crazy. But you're not, you're just becoming more open to the universe and the Divine. If I have learned anything from Flame-Hair, it is that you can be afraid and still walk through fire and come out ok. All it takes is a little faith and trust.

July for Loki: Post No. 17 - Why this string of blog posts?

Dear Reader,

This started as a meme in 2012 inspired by Galina Krasskrova. I have strong opinions on Ms. Krasskrova and her work, but this meme is something else. Way back in 2012, it was more organized. It has waxed and waned over the years. The original list of themes for each day of the month is buried in the depths of the internet. I'm sure some intrepid soul could excavate them, but I honestly don't know if it is worth it.

So, the question remains as to why I do this (or at least attempt to do this) every year? The answer is both simple and complicated. At its simplest manifestation, I am a writer and if I don't write I get crabby and would probably explode. I have had a devotional relationship with Loki for a very long time. Writing about him just makes sense. It would be like writing about my family. He's a big part of my life and I write about him elsewhere off-line. I keep a prayer journal. I keep a book of shadows where I write about my mystical experiences with him. I have a digital version of the prayer journal. I write about him and to him a lot. This is just a natural extension of all that writing.

The more complicated answer is I want to show the world that Loki is not the monster that Snorri and other made him out to be. I want to show the Lie-Smith is actually a truth teller more often then not. I want to show that the Mother of Monsters is the patron of all outcasts and misfits. I want to show that the Wolf's Father is a loving figure in the lives of his chosen people. I want to illustrate how Scar-Lip has a droll sense of humor that goes beyond the slap-stick humor of tying his junk to a goat and playing tug-o-war. I want to present how the Sly One can help you out of sticky situations with nothing but wit and inspired words. I want people to know how the Bound-God walks free among humanity and is down for breaking the wheel of oppression that is grinding us into dust. I want to make sure that people know that the World-Breaker is the bringer of growth and transformation, not just destruction.

I end this post with something that Freyr said to me about Loki.

He is the one who breaks the seed coat open so that the plant may grow.

July for Loki: Post No. 16 - Veiling

Dear Reader,

Some my be a bit curious about Loki's thoughts on my veiling practices. While there is an established practice of covering to signify that you are a godspouse in many communities, Loki doesn't ask that of me. He recognizes that my choice to veil is an expression of my devotion to Dea and my role as a priestess of hers. He sometimes makes silly, playful comments about the style that I choose for a given day. But aside from the playful teasing, Loki finds it to be a non-issue. 

Well, that's not entirely accurate. When I have days that I forget to veil, he reminds me. He sees it as important and when I am wearing my "good" veil for ritual, he is solemn and witnesses the ritual. He encourages me to wear it when I am feeling overwhelmed and my psychic energy is gone off loopy because of stress. He encourages me to explore styles and try out new things. He also is as much of a jackdaw as I am and absolutely delights when I find something particularly eye catching and sparkly.

I asked him at one point if he wanted me to veil for him as well. Loki chuckled and said, "I don't think She would approve of that."

Photo from Pexels.com

July for Loki: Post No. 15 - Loki & Sai Mati

Dear Reader,

One may not realize the connection between Loki and Sai Mati. It's easy to think that Sai Mati is more aligned with Odin on the basis of their mutual association with wisdom.(Odin as a trickster deity is a complicated subject and will have to be covered in another post.) Sai Mati in her trickster aspect is known as Sai Nimwë. She leads one to wisdom by ways of puzzles and paradox. Loki does this as well.

Loki is not often thought of as a teacher but he is. A "school of hard knocks" teacher, but a teacher none the less. As a friend of mine once said, Loki will help you to your feet and then tell you to duck as he starts swinging a baseball bat. Loki's lessons are at times cryptic. He teaches you to face the unwanted truth of a situation. He teaches you the facts about brutal honesty.

Sai Nimwë is cryptic. Sai Nimwë is the sphinx whose riddles you must answer to proceed forward on the path of enlightenment. She will help you to your feet and then motion for you to duck as that sign swings backwards to possibly hit you in the face again. Sai Nimwë is the janya of knowledge that is necessary but we may not want to hear. She is a playful and yet stern janya who leads you along a twisting path that leaves you dizzy even as it gets you to where you need to be.

July for Loki: Post No. 14 - Attack in the Opposite Direction

Dear Reader,

Sometimes, like now, I feel the urge to just give up. Loki urges me to "attack in the opposite direction." It's not a retreat. It is a tactical maneuver around a problem that is overwhelming. The Sly-Fox has a good point. When things are overwhelming, it is good to take a few steps back and look it over again from another perspective. When you have a hard time changing focus and reframing a problem, talking it over with someone who isn't intimately involved with it and can see the big picture is a good plan.

Loki is one of the deities that I talk about life problems with. When it came to cutting some toxic ties, it took me a long time to reach that point. Loki was right there pointing out how those ties, even when they're inactive, are still toxic to me. Rather than confronting the people whose toxic behaviors were causing me pain, as I had tried in the past and had it turn into a conflagration that ended with me painted as the bad guy for standing up for myself, I "attacked in the opposite direction." I backed off and looked at it critically.

Then, with Loki's blessing, torched the bridge between them and I by just ghosting them. Loki's remark to my deciding to disappear from their social media was "Mmm burnt embers. Time to toast some marshmallows." While I can't have my "victory s'mores", I sleep a bit easier at night for doing what I did. Sometimes, 'attacking in the opposite direction' means retreat. Sometimes it means you do the unexpected. In this case, I did both. 

Loki may not be a god of warfare but he's one heck of a strategist. 

July for Loki: Post No. 13 - Burn Out.

Dear Reader,

The last few days have been rough. Honestly, the last few months have been rough. I feel a lot of guilt over things that I feel I should be doing. Loki's booped me on the nose for it and reminded me "Thou shalt not should on thy self."

I struggle with cyclical depression. It's part of the whole bipolar II thing. I'm at the time of year that the depression starts to hit. Some of it is because of my screwed up brain chemistry and some of it is because of complex emotional trauma. It's just a grab bag of suck. It's made more complicated by the fact that I am still in the process of rewiring my brain and unlearning terrible things (like the "fact" that religious people are delusional or the "fact" that my value is based on what I can do or provide as an economic commodity). 

As these feelings of depression roll over me and these unhealthy thought processes rear their ugly heads, I start having nightmares of drowning. I start feeling utterly burned out and exhausted. And I struggle to keep up with the bare minimum of what I need to do during the day. It seems a bitter irony that this year the depression started to hit me the day after the Summer Solstice. I thought I had a few more weeks before that.

And shufflemancy strikes again as Faun's rendition of Unda begins playing. Loki's reminding me again to just roll with it all. He keeps telling me when I am in this state that I should do what I can not what I feel I should do.