The last few days have been rough. Honestly, the last few months have been rough. I feel a lot of guilt over things that I feel I should be doing. Loki's booped me on the nose for it and reminded me "Thou shalt not should on thy self."
I struggle with cyclical depression. It's part of the whole bipolar II thing. I'm at the time of year that the depression starts to hit. Some of it is because of my screwed up brain chemistry and some of it is because of complex emotional trauma. It's just a grab bag of suck. It's made more complicated by the fact that I am still in the process of rewiring my brain and unlearning terrible things (like the "fact" that religious people are delusional or the "fact" that my value is based on what I can do or provide as an economic commodity).
As these feelings of depression roll over me and these unhealthy thought processes rear their ugly heads, I start having nightmares of drowning. I start feeling utterly burned out and exhausted. And I struggle to keep up with the bare minimum of what I need to do during the day. It seems a bitter irony that this year the depression started to hit me the day after the Summer Solstice. I thought I had a few more weeks before that.
And shufflemancy strikes again as Faun's rendition of Unda begins playing. Loki's reminding me again to just roll with it all. He keeps telling me when I am in this state that I should do what I can not what I feel I should do.
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