Last night - well, early this morning to be precise, Loki sat down and had a conversation with me. He often shows up in my dreams and we will interact more like how you would with a physical person. Because you can do that with deities (and other spiritual beings) in dreams. We were at a park that I frequented as a kid, sitting in the gazebo by the pond. Fortunately, while this dream was realistic there wasn't mosquitoes. We were just sitting there enjoying each other's company and watching the fish in the water for a while. That was when I realized that the water was crystal clear and clean. (The real pond has a fair amount of algae and debris in it, the park isn't well maintained.)
"I didn't realize that there were bigger fish than bluegills in this thing," I said to him. He chuckled.
"There once were, what you're looking at is the past," he answered.
"It's pretty," I replied. Loki pulled me closer to him, so that I was actually snuggled up against him.
"I wanted to remind you that the past isn't just full of ugly things, mistakes, and heartbreak," he said. I smiled up at him and was about to say something when he set a finger on my lips. "You tend to dwell on the heartbreak and the pain when you're depressed. I know it's hard to remember the good things but that's why you keep a gratitude log. You haven't been writing in yours. I know you're mildly depressed and it is slowly getting worse. But you need to start using that notebook again."
I mumbled something about how he was right or something along those lines when he took my hands and looked me intently in the eye. He said, "I take care of my people. I expect them to take care of themselves as best they can. You've been getting sloppy and careless about that again. We don't need another lesson in gravity again, do we?" I blushed and remembered my tumble down a flight of stairs because I didn't listen to his warnings (his repeated warnings) and the fractured rib from the shovel that 'caught' me. He could tell that he had lost my attention and literally went 'boop' as he tapped me on the nose. This confused me and redirected my attention back to him. "Make time to take care of yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You are going to need all those little self care practices you've developed to get through this. Welcome to the rest of your life, dear."
"I kinda gave up on the idea of homeschooling because I'm disabled," I mumbled.
"That's not what I'm talking about and with proper pacing for you and the children, you can do this. You can even get that writing career going too. It's all about using those tools that you got shamed for using in the past. They were wrong about you. You can do this and your method works for you, so don't give it up because of the ghosts of your parents disapprove of them or would call them crutches. You've a broken leg, you need crutches to walk a marathon." He then kissed me on the forehead.
My dreams morphed into a series of surreal floral landscapes and watching glorious sunsets and sunrises. It was a relief from my usual nightmares of the past. I awakened feeling determined to do all the little things that I needed to so that I could be successful over the next week. If Loki says I can do it, that means I can, right? After all, he's a god with a bit more of a big picture view of the situation than I have right now.
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