Dear Reader,
This is not going to be an easy post to write. It may be a bit abstract in parts. It will also have some content that may trigger someone with PTSD from emotional abuse. I ask that you read with care.
Before I get to the heart of my content today, I have to give some backstory. I grew up in an ugly household. The toxicity of my parents is such that I have fully broken contact with them for the sake of both my sanity and the safety of my children. They were (and remain) emotionally abusive and manipulative. I was frequently gas-lighted by my parents about the physical abuse that happened. There's a stretch of about ten years that I don't remember except in bits and pieces. The memories that I have come up and that I do recall clearly do not mesh with the story that my parents told us about our childhood. My brothers also don't recall this period of time. They act like this is normal and I am the one with a problem because I reject the story that they tell each other.
I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood in fear. When Loki came to me, I was afraid that my parents were right - that I was crazy. When my psychic gifts began to manifest, I was punished for "lying". The starkest memory of the punishment for "lying" was when my parents beat me for insisting that my beloved great-grandma Hazel wasn't dead but standing on the porch of the funeral home. I was accused of just about everything under the sun except for being a whore because we lived in the middle of nowhere. My insistence that I was innocent of their accusations resulted in a range of punishments that included things like having the door taken off of my bedroom, being made to kneel on spilled grains of rice for long enough that the rice was pressed into my skin (which they made me clean up by hand, despite the fact that I hadn't spilled the rice), and being humiliated in front of my brothers.
When memories of those days come up, I get a little spacey and Loki is there to ground me. He reassures me that my memories are real. He helps me focus on the present and the fact that I am safe from them. When I have an unexpected mystical experience, the old,conditioned fears hit me like a sledge hammer. I start to dissociate and Loki helps me get grounded and oriented with the present. It was Loki who reassured me that Déa was real when I had my first vision of her.
Initially, I was afraid that Loki was lying to me. For some reason, I never questioned the reality of Loki except for when I had my first vision of him. I had read about gods and accepted that all gods were real somehow. I just wasn't aware that you could see them, let alone interact with them. What I had been taught about deities were that they were distant and indifferent to humanity, if one were to be so gullible to accept the argument that they were real. My religious inclinations gained me the scorn of my parents on top of what scorn was already there on the basis of the fact that I was a first born daughter when they felt I should have been a son.
When ever my parents were heaping scorn upon me, Loki was there at my side. He continually told me not to listen, not to accept their vision of the world. He continually told me that I knew the truth and I was a good person despite any flaws they claimed they found in me. Loki proved himself to be truthful and honest by confirming reality for me when my parents were attempting to break my psyche. I don't particularly like his kenning of Lie-Smith in the face of how much honesty he put before me. It was Loki's influence that got me into therapy and it was Déa and Loki's influence that got me out of their clutches long enough to see proof that what I knew in my heart about how the world works was real.
My parents called college a "failed investment" and in saying that, implied that I was a failure when I returned home and didn't land a nice job immediately. I had learned from Loki something about freedom. As such, I resisted their efforts to force me back into the box I was in up until I left for college. I believe this is part of the reason why they kicked me out of the house when I was extremely ill. Again, Loki came to my aid by a confluence of luck and unexpected resources, along with my very determined Beloved and my devoted grandparents. Through Loki's influence, I found my way to resources that discovered I had a life threatening allergy to a common medication and was set on the path to greater health.
When things get desperate, Loki has always been there to support me and point me in the direction of the way out of the problem. It's ok to be afraid. Mysticism feels a lot like you're going crazy. But you're not, you're just becoming more open to the universe and the Divine. If I have learned anything from Flame-Hair, it is that you can be afraid and still walk through fire and come out ok. All it takes is a little faith and trust.
