Ebooks update!

Due to a few formatting errors, the digital editions of A Year With Dea will be delayed until Friday. Something about page format is wonky and I'm working to fix it. I'd have had it fixed today except for the fact a migraine ate most of my day. Now that the migraine has passed, I feel much better but also like I haven't eaten all day, mainly because I didn't. So, only a short post before I get myself a glass of water and a snack.

I hope you all had a wonderful day. Dea bless. ♥

Ebooks coming out this week!

Gentle Reader,

Thank you so much for your patience with me. After some help from my technomancer Beloved, I have finally started the process of getting ebooks up and running. The first one is on my Books and Goods page. There will also be more added to the 'goods' portion over the next few months. I have to take some pictures of the things I have been making.

As of the present moment, Rose Petals is up as an ebook. You can purchase it at Lulu.com for less than you would elsewhere. The link on the Books and Goods page goes directly to Lulu. It is my plan to get both versions of A Year with Dea to be up by Wednesday.

Due to complications with paperback publication, Drowning In Light (the short version) will be coming on as an ebook. The longer version will be available in autumn as a paperback and an ebook with reflections and more context for the visions presented.

Thank you all so very much for you continued support. I apologize I am so behind schedule. It was a rough year last year.

♥

Vintage Veiling: Pattern Review.

In my previous vintage veiling post I mentioned that I was going to work on some vintage head covering patterns. I was silly and thought that the first pattern I picked was going to be a simple affair. It was a basic rectangle with tassels on the narrow ends. Then I read the pattern and discovered a few problems. The first was that I did not read the pattern correctly. The second problem was that it was written in such a fashion that a person who was new to crochet wouldn't easily understand it. I have a bit of experience and the pattern wasn't exactly kind to me at first either.

Lacy Fascinator Pattern No. 1826 is on one hand a very simple pattern after you get past how badly the directions were written up. On the other hand it is rather easy to get bored with your project with this pattern. I was working with worsted sport weight acrylic yarn. I can't give an exact amount for how much it took but it was not something even close to the eight balls of yarn called for. My best estimate is that this would easily completed with a skein and a half of yarn, if you are working at the weight of yarn I was. 

Extra Lacy Version

The pattern as it is written makes it hard to decipher what the pattern is. At first, I thought it was one row of moss stitch (single crochet one, chain one, repeat, end on a sc stitch) and then one row of double crochet moss stitch (double crochet one, chain one, repeat, end on a dc stitch) until 36 inches long after blocking (approximately 32 inches long unblocked). After I made it and compared what I made to the pictures with the pattern on the website, I knew that it wasn't right. It was a lacy mesh, but not long enough even after blocking.

Correct stitch pattern.

Final version w/o tassels

If you decide to try out the original pattern, the pattern starts with the first row crochet. It is a four row repeat for twenty repeats to get the desired length. Chain your 76 stitches. Turn and then single crochet into the second stitch from the hook. Chain one. Moss stitch across the row. Chain three for your turning chain. Double crochet into the first chain space (not into the stitch) and then double crochet into the single crochet stitch. Continue to alternate between double crochet into chain space and double crochet into single crochet stitch across the row. Moss stitch the next row followed by a double crochet row. Pattern complete, repeat this 20 times to reach your desired size (if you are using an 'H' hook and the same weight yarn as I did). The final row is moss stitch. 

In both cases, after you break off the yarn, you add tassels in the chain spaces on the narrow end rows. I chose not to do this with the one made as per the correct directions. Mainly because the tassels annoyed me.

Looking back over this project, I think that the sport weight yarn was too heavy. I would also make this longer because it is not a comfortable length on me. In all honesty, I'm going to take the remnants of the ball of yarn to add length to this to make it into a shawl. The stitch pattern is fantastic for a prayer shawl. If your do not make it quite so wide, and just a smidge longer, you could get a nice cowl out of it too.

Godphone: Lesson Five - When you're not well.

In the series of lessons on 'godphone', I made a point of saving the most important one for last. There are many in the pagan and related spiritual practices who say that if you start hearing things, you're going through a spiritual awakening or crisis. There is a trend to sweep mental illness under the rug, because mental illness is scary and deemed, somehow, as a way to discredit spiritual experiences. This is a trend that is reckless and irresponsible. It endangers vulnerable people and denies them assistance they need because they are frequently shamed for their experiences.

Some are going to despise me for this, but there is a written record of mystics who have gone through serious mental illness. You can find this extensive record in the writings of various Christian mystics. St. John of the Cross, for example, suffered debilitating depression (and I suspect post-traumatic stress disorder) after being imprisoned upon questionable pretenses due to friction within the Carmelite order during this period. Out of this experience came the luminous poem The Dark Night of the Soul. It was but one of many spiritual and theological writings that he had completed, perhaps the most famous of them. St. Teresa of Avila regularly endured illness and in the midst of these periods of illness had ecstatic spiritual experiences. There is also the books written by St. Thérèse of Lisieux and Dame Julian of Norwich which speak of their spiritual experiences by way of illness. (I recommend the long form of Dame Julian of Norwich's work.)

In the cases of St. Teresa and St. Thérèse, deep anxiety was held over the concept that their spiritual experiences were delusion/temptation from the devil. It was only after a great deal of discussion with their spiritual advisers and the persons who were helping them with their illnesses that it was established that these were not false experiences or fever dreams. The external reality check provided by these third parties were vital to authenticating the experiences of these women, especially in a period of history when the Inquisition was quite busy looking for more victims. (St. Teresa had to seek protection from the Inquisition. The punishment of St. John came out of a conservative sect of the Carmelite order and the Inquisition's activity.)

Hearing voices out of the blue is alarming, if not terrifying. The first thing to do is test the veracity of your experience. While many would claim this is show you lack faith, it is vital to your sanity to confirm or deny the reality of what you are experiencing. It could be as simple as looking away and then back at the vision before you. It could be as simple as holding up a mirror or looking for a reflection on a reflective surface near you. More complex reality testing can be anything from trying to drown out the sound you are hearing with your own thoughts to asking another person if they heard something. You don't have to specify what, it could be as simple as asking if they heard someone call your name.

When it is difficult to distinguish between reality and what is not real, this is when you should consult with a medical professional and a spiritual counselor. The medical professional can assist you in handling what physical illness may be causing these experiences. At times, audio distortion of ambient noise can come off as sounding like a garbled version of someone trying to talk to you all because of an earwax build up, for example. In the event that you are suffering from some form of mental illness, such as hearing people in the room when there are no signs of it and your spiritual counselor is noting signs of mental illness when you are meeting with them, medical assistance can actually make it easier for you to access your spiritual resources. With the right medication, mental clarity can be achieved and genuine mystical experiences will persist and possibly become more profound.

Being unwell can be disorienting and distressing. It can lead to a spiritual crisis or a spiritual awakening. It is, however, separate from spiritual awakening or crisis because it involves the strictly biological processes of your body. Spiritual awakening can be prompted as a coping mechanism, as per St. Thérèse following the death of her mother delving deeply into her devotional relationship with Mary. It can also be a part of how you are processing the experience of being unwell, as in the case of St. Teresa. In either case, follow three steps: observe the experience, reality test the experience, and get a third party opinion. If any manner of spiritual experience causes distress, or occurs in concert with distress, seek out assistance in handling said distress.

Postscript:

I personally have experienced hallucinations and mystic visions. From my experience, they are two different things and involve two different thought processes. Also, the gods find more ways to talk to you than just literally talking to you. Sometimes it is a person turning to you and answering a question you were just thinking about before resuming a conversation with someone else about an entirely different topic. Sometimes it is things mysteriously appearing when you need them or vanishing to a completely different place in your home when it was literally right in front of you before your turned your back. When I am ill and experiencing hallucinations, it gets confusing at times. Thus, I find the deities using other methods to talk to me. (Yes, that has included avatars. And yes, it was creepy and amazing and awe inspiring when it happened. Awe in ALL sense of the word.)

Eve of Kala Thoughts.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month (and season) of Moura. It is the day where the Daughter is slain and hung upon the pillar, the axis of reality, by the Dark Queen. Tomorrow is also Monday and my son has a dentist appointment, as well as laundry day. There is a list of everyday tasks that need to be handled and not much I can do in the way of holy meditation or something else of the sort.

It is, however, been the theme of Moura this year. As much as I wanted to do scripture reading and meditation, there were interruptions. As much as I wanted to do devotional writing and set aside an allotment of time for prayer, I simply didn't have the energy. Most of the focus over Moura was devotion through acts of self care. Healing from a fractured rib limited much of my activity. Adjusting to medication changes exhausted me. Thus, I spent my time in rest and recovery mode.

It is rather fitting that I reached the point of recovered from my fall back in January this weekend. I'm somewhat sore from lifting bags of groceries and tired from all the housework, but I am coming to a new beginning. And I can't really dive into things until after Hiatus. I suspect this is a sign of Dea's hand in things here.

Scripture reading and a problem.

I have a side project that I've been working on for a few months now as I have the energy for it. I've been copying over the sacred scriptures of Filianism/Déanism into a hardbound notebook as a devotional practice and meditation. I am only partly through the Gospel of Our Mother God and one thing keeps standing out to me as I consider it all very carefully. That it does not address whom has any mantle of authority upon them by way of Dea's grace.

There are some who follow that if their ordination comes by way of an unbroken faith tradition (i.e. Christian, Buddhist, or Hindi) that it had the authority that would come from Dea as in antiquity (so claimed by scholars who have since been shown to be questionable sources). There are some who argue that their authority is given to them by way of divine grace and should be accepted upon the basis of their word. And then there are the more mercenary of those who would be clergy that argue that priesthood is recognized by humanity through pieces of paper and acquire ordination from unconventional but publicly recognized sources to support the ordination given by way of divine grace at an earlier time.

It is a question that I sit and try to make sense of on a regular basis. I look at myself in the mirror and ask how I can expect anyone to think I have the authority to speak on any of this? At the same time, I can not help but ask questions. Questions of myself and my own work as clergy, questions of the role of any clergy in society, and what exactly that relationship is. This has lead me to reading philosophical texts, instructional books, and the writings of many different faith systems (holy texts and those written by lay people of deep insight). In all of my reading, I have a general idea of how the concept of clergy is supposed to work for the Christian faith, for example, and the social contract that goes along with it. I struggle to suss out what that social contract is for clergy of other faiths, simply because they are not the dominant faith practiced in my region so it is harder to get information.

Three questions keep coming back. The first I just mentioned: how can we tell whom is clergy and has the mantle of authority upon the by way of Dea's grace? The second question is what are the responsibilities and duties of said clergy? And the third question is what is the scope of their authority? Are all clergy equal or is their a hierarchy we are not aware of? In many ways, the answers to the second question are parallel to those for when this question is applied to Christianity. But the first and third questions are far more fuzzy. It frustrates me because if one is clergy or somehow a vowed person (monk, nun, godspouse, spirit-spouse, child, etc.), the questions about how we relate to the rest of humanity is just as important as those about how we relate to deity.

Is there an abbey structure in place, for example, for nuns of Loki? Do they have a rule to follow and a Mother Superior to answer to? (From the pagan nuns I have been in contact with, there is not a Mother Superior and they instead have a council of sorts where decisions are made upon debate, discussion, and collective discernment of the will of deity. And these nuns are godspouses as well. Because I don't wish to have their arrangement be the model of what I am proposing, I will not elaborate on it.) And there are the people who would be like pagan anchorites in the world, living a life of solitude and meditation and communion with their gods. Who helps them? Because the Christian anchorites were supported by the faith community and under the direction of spiritual advisers who were trained in their faith's precepts to high degree (theoretically) and the needs they could not meet on their own were provided for them. (In antiquity, there were anchorites who lived in a walled chamber of a monastery with a small window whereby they could communicate with others and receive the necessities for life (such as food and drink) but otherwise were completely isolated from the world.)

These are important questions to find answers to. If we can not find answers, we must make them or happenstance and folly will make them for us. As a student of history, happenstance and folly are not the gentlest of teachers and can lead to utter ruin, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. So, I ask my friends who are clergy within the Filianic/Déanic community specifically, what are the answers to:

• What is the signs of spiritual authority? How do we recognize them?
• What are the responsibilities that come with spiritual authority? What are the duties required of clergy and they who are avowed to a devotional relationship with Dea?
• What are the things that are in this world they have authority over? What in the realm of spirit do they have authority over? Where are the limits of this authority?
• Are all clergy equal despite differing traditions/sects of worship? 

Godspousery Notes: Physician, Heal thy self.

Spirit work is work. It is hard at times. It is grueling and awful at others. Sometimes, spirit work intersects with other forms of work. For me, there are three major points of intersect on my spirit work and 'mundane' work that I am doing. Presently, the biggest point of intersect has been my work on improving my mental health. Namely managing my three psychological disorders (post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder). I find myself at times in a position where I am struggling mightily and Freyr and Loki are bearing witness to my efforts. Sometimes they give encouragement. Sometimes they give suggestions. Most of the time, they are just present and affirming I am valid and important by simply existing.

After this comes the point of intersect between spirit work and managing my physical health. Falling down the front steps and fracturing a rib when my shovel kindly caught me has forced me to slow down and be more aware of my body. The PTSD tends to have me less aware of my body. But, the combination of being more aware of my body and the concerted effort to make myself healthier are both strongly encouraged by Freyr and Loki. Having decided this was the year I was going to get things done, I started my list with getting healthier. And I set a list of markers by which I could tell I was doing so. Freyr and Loki have been helping me set realistic and healthy goals for myself, as well as sticking to those goals. Some of them have been harder to do than others with this rib business. (I saw the doctor yesterday and he said I'm almost fully healed. Another week or two and I should be right as rain.)

The third point of intersect is between spirit work and my writing. I'm being called to write about things like my spiritual life vs. my mental health conditions. I'm being encouraged to finish manuscripts I started years ago about things like dream interpretation and being psychic. Interestingly enough, there's a lot of cross-platform spiritual work going on between the three modes of spirit work. The most active one right now is between managing my mental health and my writing and my spiritual work. Last summer it was physical health, mental health, and spiritual work.