Is it possible to be a godspouse to Déa?

 Dear Reader,

I'm opening up a controversial can o' worms right here. I want to preface my statements here with the following note:

Relationship dynamics are complicated. It is possible to be in a loving relationship that looks nothing like the stereotypical modern Western expectation. The dynamic between a devotee and deity is private and if the devotee chooses to share their experience, do not greet it with cynicism. They are opening up to you in a very heartfelt way and making themselves quite vulnerable to you in doing so. Be kind, be tolerant, and just listen to what they have to share. You might learn something.

Now, to the title question of this post: is it possible to be a godspouse to Déa? It is entirely possible because Déa reveals herself in an infinite number of ways that we might come to understand her love for us. While the most common expression of that love is parental, love is love. For the person who has too much trauma surrounding parental love, Déa may choose to reveal herself and her love in a more intimate fashion. This is not an orthodox position. Orthodox Filianism and Déanism says that Déa's love is always parental.

For one who has too much emotional and psychological trauma attached to parental love behaviors, Déa will reveal herself in other ways. There are countless ways to love. There are infinite ways that Déa may reveal herself within this world. All things in this world bear something of her within them. As such, she can reach through any element of this world to our souls and pour her blessings and love upon us. Her love may be felt as a transpersonal love for the whole of existence. Her love may be felt in close kinship to the Daughter. Her love may be felt in holy adoration of the Dark Mother that moves one to weep for its beauty. It is also possible that her love may be felt as the passionate love of one who is beloved in a romantic fashion.

There is no shame in this love. It is as pure of a form of love as a child's love for their parent. It is as  pure a form of a love as is shared between siblings. It is as pure a form of love as is shared between a submissive soul and a dominant one. It is simply a different form of love. One must recall, however, that as deep and passionate their love might run, it will always be overshadowed by the love of Déa. One must recall that while they may find completeness in their romantic love for Déa, they are separate from her and that she is complete in herself.

On the matter of submission and dominance, it is a tangled concept that has been treated as profane. If one chooses to surrender their will to Déa, is this not a holy act of submission? If one chooses to live their life in accordance with Déa's holy will, is this not an act of submission? Submission is a neutral concept meant only to describe a relationship dynamic. It is not possible to be a dominant figure in a relationship dynamic with Déa because she is the apex of existence and reality. Thus, the concept of a relationship dynamic wherein the mortal devotee is in a position of dominance is rendered moot. Upon the same vein, one can not be completely equal to Déa. This is simply because of her nature is beyond us. Thus, as a godspousery relationship might go, Déa is the one who makes the major decisions as the 'head of household'. 

This is different from other godspousery relationships because different deities operate in different dynamics in their relationships. If you are willing to follow where Déa leads and your heart is drawn to a romantic love of Déa, then you may enter a godspousery relationship. It is important to remember, however, one is not a consort because that implies some level of equality in the dynamic. If this is difficult to process, consider the relationship of a Christian nun with their god. They have taken a vow of marriage to their god as part of their vows to join the community of nuns. They take these vows seriously and remain chaste as an expression of their devotion. They spend a good deal of time in prayer with their god to express their adoration and affection for their god. They do not consider themselves equal to their god but they are their god's constant, adoring lover.

At its root, godspousery is that. Being the constant, adoring lover of a deity. It takes different shapes because every relationship is different and every deity is different, but the root of constant adoration and love remains the same. It is the same thing that is at the root of healthy marriages within the world of humanity as well.

Godspousery notes: Fight for what's right.

Dear Reader,

Last weekend, I got into it with someone who insisted that godspouses are all delusional. I started dropping facts on them and establishing that there was a precedent for this manner of relationship with deity. They straight up said they weren't going to read it. That's when I had it confirmed that they were nothing but a troll. When they tried to take the "discussion" to a private conversation, I ignored them. They for some reason decided that they had given me a 'sick burn' when I turned around and posted on my Tumblr feed a declaration that I am a godspouse, that I happen to have mental illness, and the two are entirely unrelated.

Because I do have periods of delusion. They're not delusions of grandure or something like that. They're delusions of worthlessness. When I am dealing with hallucinations due to the Bipolar II with psychotic features, I am reliving the verbal abuse that I had to deal with growing up as auditory hallucinations. It only happens when I am severely depressed to the point that I am borderline suicidal. My delusions of worthlessness happen when I am depressed. The deeper the depression, the more prevalent the delusional thinking that I haven't earned the right to be alive or have a single solidary being care about me. It's all tied to my complex posttraumatic stress disorder in some fashion. 

The godspousery side of things I know isn't delusional. I worried at one point it was. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and my dealing with hallucinations of my abusive mother telling me to kill myself at one point. My parents mocked religion and people who had faith were declared to be delusional. This line was one of the central tenents of how they raised my brothers and I. I naturally rejected it. I knew the world was too strange and complex for that to be the case. However, because I was raised with this line of thought literally beaten into me, I worried that my mystical experiences were not real. As I worried about this, the hallucinations got louder and more pervasive. So, I was treated with a dose of Haldol (a powerful antipsychotic). Within minutes, there was silence and clarity in my head. That was when Loki said to me quietly, "Can you hear me now?" I almost burst into tears with relief that I truly was hearing him.

Since then, I have never doubted that my relationships with Loki and Freyr are real. I have my anxieties surrounding relationships pop up. But that happens in my relationship with Beloved too. I worry that I am a failure as a partner. I worry that I'm too needy. I worry that I'm too broken to deserve the people in my life who love me. And I am terrified that I am letting everyone down. All of that is a result of my c-ptsd. It sucks but it is what I deal with on a daily basis. Just as Beloved regularly reassures me that all of these anxieties are scumbag brain being scumbag brain, so too do Loki and Freyr.

I'm not saying that I am the model example of a godspouse. I have my arguments and I get stubborn at times. I am forgetful and they have to remind me of things from time to time. (Just this morning, Freyr reminded me I had my new antibiotic to take along with all of my other morning pills and he suggested I add my afternoon dose to the pill sorter. Being sick sucks, y'all, and it helps when you're half awake to have someone tell you "hey,  don't forget that new medicine that's going to clear up the infection you're dealing with." Otherwise, you're just feeling rotten and forgetting things because you're not awake and ... well, chaos happens in this house because I've kids so I'd have forgotten anyways until it was around bed time.) 

I can't abide willful ignorance masqueradig as authority. That's why I waded into that argumet last week. The guy who started it remains willfully ignorant and refuses to consider that there is a historical precedent for godspousery (even if it goes by different names in different religions). I still made a point of putting out there examples from the mainstream/overculture religion that show that there is marriage and other similar relationship dynamics between us mere mortals and deities. I still made a point to put out there references to devotional literature that is erotic in nature and that the 'smut' one may find on Tumblr or other sites with respect to deities is a legitimate form of devotional writings. I refuted each of his arguments and while he refused to read them, the information is there for others to see.

Filianic & Déanic organizations (a partial list)

 Dear Reader,

Here is a partial list of Filianic and Déanic organizations that I am aware of. I am not sure how many of these organizations are open and how many are closed to new membership.

Daughters of Shining Harmony - An orthodox Filianic all femme community

Janite Deanic Ekkesia - A Filianic community that is open to all genders (Orphaned tradition, you can find it on the Wayback Machine captures.)*

Reformed Madrianist Filianism - A modern Madrianist Filianic community that is open to all genders

The Lady of Light Chantry, A Deanic Matronite Harmonium - A modern Déanic community, an all femme community

A Chapel of Our Mother God - An online chapel to Déa that is descendant from the Aristasian Filianic/Déanic community, closely associated with the Daughters of Shining Harmony

As I become aware of other communities, I will update this list.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

* I have a project slated for the Janite community, it will be announced in a few months.

A Filianic Prayer

 

Image from Pexels.com

Oh holy Priestess of the Sacrifice, please hear my plea
Lady of Endurance and Suffering, look kindly on me in my pain
I lift up my broken heart to You in offering
I lay my heart-sick soul in Your hands
Pray, my Lady, that I may be well
Ask, I beg, that I may be granted the grace of health
For Love's holy sake, thus may it be

Sai Vikhë: Agent of Change.

 Dear Reader,

Sai Vikhë is the janya of discord, strife, and chaos. She is also the janya of vitality, courage, and strength. I would posit that she has a third aspect. Sai Vikhë is the janya of dynamic change. If we look at it carefully, all change is some form of strife. It breaks us out of patterns of behavior and life styles that we have found comfortable and reassuring. It is a struggle when change comes and we must adapt everything to integrate it into ourselves.

If we accept this argument, we could state that Sai Vikhë is (in relation to Sai Werdë) the movement of her wheel. It is possible to see Sai Vikhë in a descending form, the changes that drive us farther from Déa. Ultimately, however, those changes serve to bring us closer to Déa and into greater thamë. As such, the changes that Sai Vikhë brings us ultimately are of the ascending direction. Sai Vikhë is a janya who pushes us to improve ourselves in the lesser war against khear, the internal struggle between the True Self and our False Self (ego). Sai Vikhë is generally recognized as a protector of the children of Déa in the greater war with the Dark Queen and her servants whose pull is far greater in the direction away from Déa and into the abyss of khear.

As one studies the art of war, one finds that battle lines move back and forth. In the war with the Dark Queen that goes on within the manifest world, Sai Vikhë strategizes the battles we fight and guides us. What may seem a defeat may actually be a strategic advance into the territory of the enemy to cause disruption behind their lines before drawing back to friendly forces. Our weaknesses can be overcome but they ultimately serve Déa's goal to bring the whole of creation back into union with herself. As such, Sai Vikhë brings us challenges and changes that we must strive to work through. These serve to strengthen us against the challenges and assaults of the forces of the Dark Queen. Sai Vikhë as a battle janya is always working to give us the strength to stand against the Dark Queen's servants and guide us forward past them to the path towards our salvation in Our Lady.

Werdë's Day (a day late)

 Dear Reader,

It seems to be the theme, this year, of my writing posts about the Filianic holy days at least a day or two late because other stuff in my life keeps me from the desk. Werdë's day was a busy day of doing domestic tasks, seeing family, and actively biting my tongue in an effort to keep the peace. It was a challenging day. During what little downtime I had, I spent much of it fretting about the future. Specifically, I was worrying about how things were going to go with school starting again in a little less than a month.

Sai Maia has spun into my wyrd many interesting things but I'm not sure I enjoy them. Life that is hard lived is difficult to keep a tranquil heart in the face of further challenges. I know that I have the capacity to do that. Sai Maia has ensured this but I have a hard time staying on that path because I also have a great deal of tension spun into my life's thread that manifests as anxiety issues. As a spinner myself, I recognize that strong thread requires a good deal of tension both in the initial spinning and in the plying so that it does not drift apart or fray when put to work. Ah, but do I wish there was a little less tension. Still, that tension does also manifest as a great deal of energy and drive to do things. So, perhaps it is not so bad after all. My feelings on it are mixed, like the results.

Sai Werdë has thrown the shuttle through the tapestry and I know not where I go but forward. I have passed through times of great difficulty in the past. I know that COVID-19 is but another part of a time of great difficulty for the world at large and that it is part of the tapestry. I take comfort to some extent that this will eventually pass. That we shall adapt to the challenges and find ways to be healthy and take care of each other. I worry at times that my diminished capacity for some things means that I am the weak thread in the tapestry and among the first to unravel before it is due. I recognize that the grand tapestry of the universe is not dependent upon me to so great an extent, but the smaller one of my family is. Thus I worry about such things. I try to lay my worries in Déa's hands, but it is difficult to let them go because I fear to be a burden upon She who holds the whole of creation in existence. I blame my upbringing for that anxiety and I work daily to set it aside.

Sai Kala has helped me in many ways. She has helped me end toxic cycles of abuse. She has helped me let go of people who are harmful to me and my family. Sai Kala has brought the end of a lifetime of denial that I was unwell. From that ending, new beginnings have come. This epicycle of growth moves me forward upon my life path. It makes me think that Sai Kala is as much a part of the weaving of the tapestry as Sai Werdë. Where the tapestry is uneven and undesireable bits stick out, it is a practice to run a sharp blade over it to cut away those bits to restore harmony to the work at large.

I know not what the next year holds for my wyrd. I only know that wyrd goes as it will and we can only follow along. The collective wyrd of the world at large will wend its way on past COVID-19 and we shall continue to survive. I take hope in that despite the current disaster unfurling. Déa is good and she will see to it that her children survive this disaster, just as we have survived others in the past.

A meditation on suffering.

 Dear Reader,

The following is an excerpt from my meditation journal. May it be helpful and a source of hope.

~*~*~*~*~*~

There are cycles within cycles - epicycles if you will. There is the great cycles of the Ages. Within these cycles there are cycles of birth, growth, and decay. Currently, we are witnessing a transition point within a cycle. There are parties working to interrupt and, ultimately, end a cycle of systemic abuse that is deeply entrenched in the collective consciousness of the United States. For some this process represents a destructive force and it evokes great fear in them. For others, this is a step in a healing and growth process and it evokes determination and hope.

The epicycle of social reform moves of its own accord but the pattern can be seen as we look back into the history of the nation. It comes with growth pains and struggle. This is because all periods of growth are the fruit of struggle and pain. It is a natural law of this plane of existence we inhabit. This natural law can be taken as a sign of how far we are removed from Déa. It is tempting to make this argument but it begs the question if the one that is in greater relative pain to the other farther removed from Déa?

It is uncharitable to argue that they who suffer are farther from Déa than they who do not. The fact that life is burdened with pain is a sign of how far this realm as a whole has fallen from our Celestial Mother's presence. The uneven distribution of sufferig in this realm is a sign of how it is flawed, partially. It is also an indicatior of the complex interplay between personal wyrd, collective wyrd (also known as orlog), and the wyrd of the entire realm. 

It is far too simplistic and cruel to say that suffering is the price of past transgressions or to say that our souls have chosen the path of suffering. While these are distinct possibilities, it is far more llikely that our wyrd in this life has fixed points of suffering where by we may have a window into the suffering of Our Lady and her Mother. Our Lady descended into the manifest world and she had to suffer the agony of the absence of her Mother. She became afflicted with the weaknesses and pains of this world for she had become mortal. Her descent into the Nethereworld brought greater pain and suffering.

Our Lady's pains were not the fruit of a transgression. They were due to the fallen nature of the realms she travled. So too are our pains. Because of wyrd, our pains move in cycles. Becaue of Our Lady's sacrifice, there will come a time when our pains and suffering shall be relieved. Our souls shall ascend through the rarified realms above until we reach Avala and then move beyond to the embrace of the Dark Mother, where we shall rest in her arms until it is time for the great cycle of existence to begin again.

Video posts are on hold right now.

 Dear Reader,

I have been so busy with the kids that I haven't had the chance to write up stuff for videos. I want to have transcripts for you to my videos. I also have been having a hard time getting quiet long enough to record a video (with out the boys photobombing). I do have some topics that I'd like to share. I also hope to do a few recorded meditations based off of ones that I have already posted here. I know that some folks find it easier to work through a guided meditation when there is someone reading it to them.

It is my goal to get a video post up in the beginning of September. School will be starting in the middle of the month, so there may still be some photobombing by the kids. If I can get them into some sort of project, maybe, just maybe, I'll get lucky and have enough time to record a short video for y'all. In the meantime, I am working to get back to daily posting on here. It's been hard because writing time is at a premium right now.

With the new moon, however, comes change and a clearing out of energies from the last month. Perhaps the next month will have greater stability and I can get back into my writing groove.

Sigil to stop crime in progress.

 Dear Reader,

Below is a sigil I developed about a year ago when there were problems and shenanigans of the illegal sort happening for someone I knew. This is a remarkably simple one. Draw a broken circle (if you can draw it counter clock-wise even better). This circle represents the confusion that the criminal party is using to commit their crime. Below the circle put a dot, this represents the target of this spell. Finally put an arrow extending down through the broken circe and over the dot. The arrow represents justice hitting it's mark.

Be Kind but Take No Crap.

 Dear Reader,

Déa calls on us to be kind. She exhorts us to be thamelic and harmonious with others around us. There are times, however, that one must be a note of dissonance in the conversation. We should be willing to stand up for ourselves and others when we see that something is wrong. Thamë is more than harmony, it is also justice. If it is possible to engage others in a way that does not become overly loud and possibly harmful, it is a good practice to have. De-escalating a situation is a great way to restore thamë. 

I do not have the best skill set for de-escalating situations. I tend to get angry and loud. I tend to weild facts as weapons and info-bomb the offender into humilated silence. It is my practice to refrain from wading into arguments unless I have the advantage of sufficient facts to bury my opponent. Sometimes, however, I will passionately throw myself into an argument because I see that there is something desperately wrong and I seek to right it.

Was my engaging in that argument today thamelic? Probably not. At the same time, I was working to defend myself and others who practice the worship practices of godspousery. It is a worship practice that is rooted in antiquity and as deserving of respect as any other worship practice. My argument in defense of this ancient practice and putting myself out as an example of a godspouse was all I could do in an effort to show that it exists and that not all godspouses are deluded.

When the offender in question attempted to continue the argument via a more "private" setting, I elected to ignore them. On the random wheel of chance, they got a Lokean godspouse with mental illness coming back at them with facts to back up the history of godspousery into antiquity who then illuminated the interplay between their mental illness and faith, as well as gave a picture into a day with Flame-Hair as a spouse. I didn't do this to make myself superior to any other godspouse. I did it to show that mental illness is not a prerequisite for faith and that faith can help check some of the problems of mental illness.

Yes, I threw out a challenge after the argument ended. Again, not the most thamelic of things to do. It is, however, part of my nature to do so. I've yet to see anyone attempting to bat it down. The same passion that drives me to defend my community of godspouses and Lokeans drives me to be protective of the Filianic and Déanic community. I can not abide persons who attack others for their religious practices when those practices cause no harm. I have a history of wading into the fray over this. I'm likely going to continue to do so because while I can not go to a protest to defend one's civil liberties or such, I can argue and do what little I can via the internet for the sake of justice. And serving justice is thamelic.

Godspouses and others in relationships with deities are NOT delusional.

 Dear Reader,

I've waded into a fight brewing on Tumblr. There is a person asserting that all godspouses are delusional. They're rather nasty about it. They have gone so far as to imply that if I truly believe that I am in a relationship with a god that I am being decieved by a demon. I laughed. I reminded them that one of Loki's kennings is the Lie-Smith and that he's painted by Snorri Sturlson as the big baddie in the tale of Ragnarok. I said that they had best provide proof that it was some manner of demon.

For my part, I illustrated something of the daily dynamic between Loki and I. I didn't even bother bringing Freyr into the picture because I figured their head was going to explode. Then I addressed their continuing assertion that I was delusional by explaining that while I struggle with mental illness the clarity that comes when I'm not stuck in delusional thinking was intimately tied to my relationship with Loki. I explained what exactly my deleusional thinking patterns are and where they stem from. I didn't bother mentioning that in a manic state, I start panic cleaning and organizing everything in my home, much to Loki's consternation and exasperation. Again, I thought it would be a bit too much for them to handle.

They say "prove that your relationship with Loki is real" so I demonstrated it. Everything from the time he manifested and pulled me out of oncoming traffic to him teasing me about the kids leaving dirty socks hiding everywhere and that my coffee isn't strong enough because you can't strip paint with it. Loki and I have a very 'domestic' relationship. He comes and goes as he will. He's got god-things to do and I do my best to stay out of the way. (This sometimes leads to a bit of getting my ears pinned back when I'm struggling and not seeking out help because I don't want to be a burden.)

But this person is going to scoff at it all and declare it all the over active imagination of a bored housewife. I'm still going to wade into the fray and deal with their repetitive scorn because somebody has to stand up to them. One person in the Lokean community is doing good work on that front. They should have someone to back them up on this. If there are others who are on Tumblr and willing to join this, please do. I suspect that this person is an evangelical/dominionist Christian troll. Their comment about demons and their malformed understanding of how the relationships between oathed clergy and lay people within other branches of Christianity is what has me suspecting this. Their troll game is rather weak compared to what I've seen rank newbie Discordians play.

Godspousery Notes: Just by the damn books.

Dear Reader,

I was fretting and worrying about the nastiness of COVID-19. I was so caught up in my anxiety that I was putting off doing important research and acquiring tools for said research. This had been a sticking point for me, seeing friends and neighbors struggling financially and wondering when it was going to happen to us. Beloved pointed out that I had enough money squirreled away for writing stuff that I could afford the books I needed. Still I persisted in my fretting.

Then Freyr said in a tone of irritation, "Why are you not investing in yourself? Just by the damn books. You need them for your work. Stop saying that it's too expensive to buy the tools you need for your trade."

I ordered the books. Afterwhich, Freyr said, "Next, you're going to work on self-care practices. Because you're allowing your anxiety to ride you like a horse. Between now and when the books show up, you are going to work on yourself. COVID isn't going anywhere. Let that sit and be as it is. You're already doing the practical things to keep yourself and your family safe. Worry isn't going to get anything done."

I felt somewhat chastened by this. I got a stern look from him as I started on my habitual self-blame cycle. "Blame and worry are twin goads that drive you into misery. You should focus on pleasure, joy, and what you can do right now. Stop neglecting your joy out of some misplaced sense of duty to be the pain bearer of everything. That is not your place. Nor is worry going to do you any good but serve to make you yet more ill."

At a loss for words.

 Dear Reader,

I try to have something interesting or inspiring to post. Today, well, the last two days, I have been at a loss for words. I have been depressed and anxious over COVID19 and the upcoming school year. I am struggling to function right now because my brain chemistry (which is well medicated, thanks to my medical care professionals) refuses to cooperate with my will. I feel like I am falling to pieces slowly and that I am, ultimately, engaged in an enormous act of hubris to try to be a priestess, author, mother, and wife all at the same time.

Some Christian authors from the Middle Ages describe this as the 'Dark Night of the Soul.' It is the time where we struggle to see the light of faith and that which is holy. Grief and terror comes in great waves that threaten to swamp our little boats in the great sea of reality, possibly to bear us down into the realms below from which we can not escape but by Divine grace. I'm well acquainted with this period of darkness for it comes over me regularly due to my bipolar's severe depressive episodes.

As I try to forge my way forward through this period of self-doubt, fear, and grief, I do my best to remember that the Truth of it all is I am not alone in this. I do my best to remember the Truth that I will emerge from this stronger and healthier than I was when I first entered into it. As I thole this, it's hard to remember that it will get better. 

This is where I place myself in the hands of the Deam Mysterium and trust her to guide me. This is where I walk with the gods and try very hard to remember that their faith in me is not misplaced, no matter how inadequate I feel.

Basic sigil for general protection.

 This is a very basic sigil for protection that I developed about seventeen years ago. It's worked relatively well for me. It can be combined with other elements to evoke specific forms of protection. The design elements of the sigil are rather simple. The diamond represents a shield. The cross is a sword. The diagonal lines are the manifestation of harm being directed around and away from the person who is being protected.

Hel, Queen of the Dead.

 Dear Reader,

The following is my unverified personal gnosis. The previous post regarding demons vs. khear was based upon experience and discussions with others regarding their experiences with demons. This post picks up a thread from the previous post regading the difference between Hel, the Norse Queen of the Dead, and the Dark Queen of Filianism. This is going to be a bit of a weird post for orthodox Heathens and Filiyani. Disregard it if it makes you uneasy, this is based in my experience and your milage may vary.

Hel is the daughter of Loki and Angrboda. She is half alive and half dead. When the Aesir learned of the prophecy of Ragnarok, they took the children of Loki and Angrboda. The wolf-child Fenris was bound. Jorgmundr, the sea-serpent, was cast into the oceans. And Hel was sent down into the realm of Helheim to rule over the dead. There's a lot of complex things about that myth but it is beyond the scope of this post to get into it. (I have an unorthodox position on this myth as well.)

Helheim is an Underworld realm. To get there, one must follow a road that crosses over a river that roars with the noise of battle upon a bridge gaurded by the giantess Modgud. After crossing the bridge, one comes to a walled place where there is a gate and a bloody hound named Garm that guards it. To get to this place, one must travel down and to the North upon the Road to Hel. Helheim is located beneath one of the roots of the World-Tree and is mentioned as being one of the Nine Worlds held by that tree. Some say that Nifhel is before Helheim as others say that Nifhel is below it.

There are many Underworld realms. Each mythos has one and it is generally the abode of at least some of the dead. Now, let me step away from discussing the different places of the Underworld for a moment. The Dark Queen is located at the lowest level of the Filianic Underworld. She is a malevolent being towards the living and seeks to hold all souls hostage from Déa. While some sources paint Hel as such a being, the mythos of Hel shows her as a generous hostess to all who enter her realm. In the story of the death of Baldur, she gives Heimdall a way that Baldur might be resurrected and reclaimed from her hall. The Dark Queen would do no such thing. Given that there are sources that speak of reincarnation within the Norse mythos and in modern Heathenry, it would be reasonable to believe that Hel is not the greedy Queen of Death who refuses to let the souls that come to her leave. 

Hel is, perhaps, more accurately described as a stern ruler of her lands but a welcoming hostess to all souls that come and abide with her until it is time for them to reincarnate. This is the position that I personally hold. Now, this is where things get weird and intersect with Filianism.

When Hel is cast into Helheim, she is trapped for a time in the realm of the Dark Queen. Then Anna makes her voyage into the realm of the Dark Queen. Hel is powerless to help Anna upon her voyage because the Dark Queen holds sway over all the lands of the Underworld. When Marya comes to rescue Anna, Hel is witness to the rescue and resurrection of Anna. Hel is also witness to the flight of the Dark Queen and her court. After Marya returns to the Celestial realm but before Anna returns to the upper world, Anna puts Hel in charge of one of the realms of the dead. Hel has a fence built to keep out the Dark Queen's forces and puts forth a watch-maid and a guardian at the gate to keep an eye out for the Dark Queen's return. 

With Ragnarok / the inbreathing of the all of creation by the Dark Mother, Hel returns to her potential existence state prior to her birth as does all of Déa's children (and their descendants, whom are also her children). Then the cycle begins again. 

Hel is not the Dark Queen or a servant of the Dark Queen. She is but the ruler of one of the Underworld realms of death who guards the dead from the Dark Queen's mischief so that they might reincarnate and eventually leave the cycle of reincarnation and go to Avala. As Hel is tied to a level of manifestation, she will return to the Dark Mother at the end of Ages. Because she is a child of Déa that bears a measure of her divinity within her, she is not subject to mortality in the same fashion as we the living. And for the matter of khear, Helheim is not low enough in the Underworld to be fully consumed by the taint of it. Thus, Helheim is a place of rest for souls between incarnation. Nifhel, on the other hand, would be quite close to the abyss of khear and, as such, is a place of torment and suffering.

Is it demons or khear?

 Dear Reader,

Within the spiritual architecture of the cosmos of Filianism and Déanism, there are malevolent forces known as demons and then there is khear, which is a natural tendency towards athamë. When we are faced with a situation where we're drawn away from the thamelic path, it is at times hard to tell if it is a spiritual attack or if it is the pull of khear. While there is overlap between demons and khear, the two are fundamentally different from what I have observed.

Khear is a form of miasma. It is spiritual contagion that we can pick up as we engage in athamelic acts. It is present because the incarnated world is fundamentally flawed in ways that we can not overcome. Khear is not good, though it may seem to be so because of the illusions of the world. It is that which weakens us despite our resolve to live in Déa and walk a thamelic path. Khear has no consciousness, though. It is spiritual ick that we acquire moving through a world that has its taint upon it. 

Demons, on the other hand, have consciousness and will. They are malevolent and live within the abyss of khear. They are the servants of the Dark Queen whose realm is absolute death. (This Dark Queen is not the same as Hel, the Norse Queen of the Dead. I'll post about those differences later.) Demons seek to take the bright souls of the children of Déa and load them down with khear so that it is harder for them to walk a thamelic path. Demons seek to take the children of Déa and guide them upon false paths so that they wind up farther from Her. The greater our distance from Déa, the more suceptable we are to the influence of demons and the more we must struggle with khear.

What is the ultimate goal of the demons? It is to gather as many souls for their Queen to hold captive. The Dark Queen is greedy and seeks to gather as many souls to her as possible. She desires to hold them in thralldom. The Dark Queen is cruel and rejoices in the suffering of the world. She sends her servants out into the world to draw the souls to her through trickery and temptation. The Dark Queen is the mistress of the abyss that is the distance between Déa and her children. The more she can draw into the abyss, the greater suffering she can cause to her ultimate target, Déa herself.

Now khear does also speak of the abyss between Déa and her children. This is the greater meaning of khear. This is khear as a proper name of that abyss. The abyss is devoid of light, which is a sign of Déa's presence. It is devoid of warmth or joy. It is a place of nothingness. As one falls into it, they suffer through different agonies. These are spoken of as the swords of sorrow that periced Our Lady's heart as she moved through the Dark Queen's realm. The discussion of the architecture of the Underworld, however, must be handled in its own post because it is more complex than it seems. The abyss of khear lies at the heart of the Underworld, at its deepest level.

The question arises, how can one tell if they are being assailed by a demon or suffering the effects of khear accumulation? A demon's assault comes with strange turns in luck, greater misfortune for no apparent reason, and repetitive perseveration on things that are athamë, despite one's efforts to put those thoughts aside. A demon may manifest in dreams as a beautiful being speaking of the rewards of athamë or they may manifest as a terrifying creature threatening horrible suffering if one does not engage in the athamelic acts. Persons who are suffring demonic assault are prone to nightmares featuring their tormentor. They may also suffer sleep paralysis accompanied by spectral visions.

Khear accumulation manifests in increased difficulties engaging in thamelic pursuits. It brings with it a sense of fatigue and despair. Ill luck can come with a high accumulation of khear but it falls into a persistent pattern of difficulty with connecting with Déa. Khear accumulation will manifest as nightmares and perseveration on one's distance from Déa. It can be over come to a limited extent with perseverance, though the effort will bring great fatigue. Right action and careful examination of the thought-forms one interacts with can help identify where the khear has the greatest accumulation in their life.

Rituals of purification and penance can help release acquired khear. A more effective way to release acquired khear is to place oneself in the hands of Our Lady and petition her for aid. Praying the rosary helps to release khear and bring one the blessings of Our Lady. Praying to the janyati for aid during times of difficulty can also help release khear.

Hearing things: The difference between psychosis & psychic experience

 Dear Readers,

I have Bipolar II with Psychotic Features. I am also strongly psychically inclined. Hearing things comes with the territory but it's important to recognize when it is a bad thing that you're hearing things if you're psychically inclined. The first key to this is the ability to recognize your own thoughts as they flit about your consciousness. Self-awareness that is very high is more than being aware of your thoughts and the effects of your actions (as many would tout it to be). High self-awareness means you recognize the sensations that go with your mental states, you recognize your internal monologue, and you are aware of when you are projecting your internal state outward (which is usually an indicator that you need to work on processing whatever you are projecting outward and integrating it into your experiences).

Meditation is an excellent process for achieving this level of awareness. While there are a lot of different schools of meditation out there and boatloads of techniques that you can use, the one that I find is most effective is entering a meditative state and actively writing down what is going through my head. After a while, you begin to see patterns emerge in your thought processes according to your mood state, stress levels, and environment. These patterns are your internal architecture of your psyche. 

In general, the sensations of my thoughts are as though they are inside me. I am a person who thinks in words, images, and sound. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Nothing is quite like having a song stuck in your head on loop for an hour when you want to focus on something else. Psychic experiences like visions and hearing spirits are, for me, a feeling of an unfamiliar thought-form inside my head. It feels as though it is someone else's 'voice' in my head instead of my own internal monologue. I can not anticipate what that 'voice' is going to present next, unlike with my own internal monologue. The pattern is unfamiliar and being revealed as it is presented. Psychic experiences are bewildering at times but they do not hold the terror of psychosis.

Psychosis presents as a disruption of one's thought processes and one finds themselves operating under conditions where their mental state is clearly changed from what it's normal baseline is. Hallucinations and disrupted thought patterns are typically the hallmarks of this condition. Delusional thinking is disconnected from reality. Psychic experiences are connected with reality. Hallucinations are perhaps among the most terrifying, in my opinion, elements of psychosis. Because I reality test my experiences on a regular basis due to the fact that I grew up in a household where I was gaslit on a regular basis, this coping mechanism/habit makes me aware when I am entering a psychotic state. My hallucinations are primarily auditory. They seem to sound like someone speaking to me from approximately one foot behind me to the right. They also have the sensation that it is actual auditory input, not that it is thoughts. 

Reality testing is a very good habit to be in when you are engaged in psychic work. I verify what my psychic experiences are telling me through getting confirmation from others who are a neutral third party. I consider the legitimacy of my experience and if it bears any resemblance to what I have experienced in a psychotic state. Most of all, I examine if it fits with what I know to be true and factual/real about the situation. On my really bad days, I drop a pencil or something just to make sure that my brain is functioning properly. Fortunately, those days are few because I have a great psychiatrist who has me on a good medication regimen that has kept me from having a psychotic issue in the last several years. (My psychotic issues come up when I am suicidal due to depression. I don't recommend it to anyone.)

Most people are not quite as deeply self-aware or as regularly prone to testing their experiences because they didn't have people in their formative years actively trying to destroy their psyche. As a result, the experience of psychic visions can be terrifying when they happen and lead them to wondering if they're experiencing psychosis. For most people, psychic visions are limited to the sense that they have seen something before or prophetic dreams. It takes a good deal of effort to build the personal awareness that lets you identify when psychic information is hitting your brain. This form of direct psychic experience is difficult to master. That is why many psychics use tools like tarot cards, runes, and crystals (to name a few, the list is really long).

Using tools to confirm what your psychic experience has shown you is a form of reality testing. This is something I highly recommend. Free sites like Facade means you can get confirmation on your psychic experience from a completely impartial source. One might thing that a randomly generated computer tarot reading is not the most reliable of sources of confirmation on psychic experiences. It is, however, startlingly effective. I have been using Facade now since the late 90s and have yet to get a result that wasn't relevant.

Story time: Thor and Loki go wandering in Midgard.

Dear Reader,

The story I tell you happened not so long ago that it qualifies as ancient history but it might as well be. One day, an expectant mother was feeling restless and decided to go for a walk. The skies were clear and the weather was fine. It was remarkably mild for a late summer afternoon. She put on her sandals and set out from her front door step, blinking at the light from the sun. She looked east. It was a gentle slope down the hill to the bustling market. It would have been a short walk to the market. 

The mother, however, didn't feel like enduring the company of nosy neighbors and the busy-bodies that were at the market at that time of day. So, she turned and started to walk west. After a time, she came to an intersection. A road lead north. The mother remembered that this road connected with another not far from her home and decided to follow it, not entirely sure if she was correct about how close she was to the cross street that would lead her back home.

The sun climbed higher in the sky as she walked and she could see dark clouds piling up in the west. She had walked almost a mile down the dirt road and not yet met her cross street. Concerned that she was going to be caught in the storm, she called out, "Ah, Gods, I am tired. I was foolish." A cloud of dust appeared ahead of her on the road out of a shimmering bit of air. A battered old pick-up truck came into view, blue as the sunny sky, except for the red rust that stood out in patches over it.

The driver of the truck stopped beside the mother. He smiled kindly at her, waiving his great paw of a hand at her to come over. His lean companion sat forward and asked the mother if she was lost. She explained that she had set out for a walk and gone too far. The driver's companion moved over to the center seat of the old truck and helped the mother in. The pair spoke about the storm brewing and how the crops were in dire need of rain. The mother agreed with them. After a few moments, they dropped her off at the market. As the driver tipped his hat to her before pulling away, his companion said, "I told you this was better than a pair of goats."

The mother walked back up the hill to her little home and went inside. She marveled at the situation. She said, "Dear Thor, did that really happen? Did I hear that right?" And a massive peal of thunder shook the building, somehow sounding like the great booming of laughter as rain began to fall outside.

Sai Vikhë - A Janya of Paradox

Dear Reader,

I present an argument that Sai Vikhë is one of the janyati that can be associated with paradoxes. Sai Vikhë is known as the janya of discord and strife in her 'shadow' aspect. At the same time, she is known as the defender of Déa's children against the forces of the Dark Queen, the patroness of healers (especially surgeons), and the janya of vitality. She is associated with the classical element of fire. Sai Vikhë has a lot of parallels with Loki. It may be one of the reasons why I am fond of her.

Sai Vikhë is a complex janya. She is also a stern janya and associated with the Age of Iron, the period of lowest descent from complete harmony with Déa's music. During the Age of Iron, conflict is more wide spread and discord is prevalent. It would seem that this period that is ruled by this janya is a time where there is complete separation from the harmony of Déa's will and her song. This perception can lead one to despair. It is good to remember that Sai Vikhë is part of Déa and a bearer of the Bright Mother's light. As such, she can (and does) lead us back to Déa.

Sai Vikhë may be the janya of strife, but there is more than one form of striving. She may be the janya of warfare, but there is more than one form of warfare. Sai Vikhë is a janya of paradox. She brings discord but that discord ultimately leads to harmony. Some may be so bold to say that Sai Vikhë is the janya who is the guardian of the victory of good health as our bodies wage internal war against illnesses. She is the heat of the fever that burns away the sickness within us even as it endangers us.

Though Sai Vikhë may seem to frown upon the whole of creation when she comes bearing her sword and spear, her presence is not a punishment upon creation. She comes to drive away the servants of the Dark Queen and lead us to victory in our struggle against our false selves. She comes to anneal our spirits so that we might be purified and strengthened through our trials and tribulations. Let us remember, when troubles come, she is always willing to let us hide behind her shield-wall as she engages the ones who seek to do us evil.

Blessed is Sai Vikhë and holy is her name, for she is a face of Déa.

A few Sigils for the Filianic community

The first sigil is the one I developed this week. It is a crescent moon superimposed over a partial star. Above the apex point of the partial star is a crown. About the sign are seven stars. This sigil is: I am defended by the Queen of Heaven.  Note, the partial star is a sigil for Anna, the Queen of Heaven, as you can find the letters of her Name within it.

This second sigil I developed a few months ago. I honestly can't remember if I posted it or not. It is a heart with a protection sigil within it. Over the heart is a stylized flame. About the heart are seven arrows pointed outwards. This sigil means: I am defended by the sacred heart of Sai Vikhë.

Chelanya: First Harvest

Dear Reader,

I'm a few days late with this post. It figures that on the holy day of Chelanya, the Golden Harvest Festival, I was busy with household work. It was too hot to bake bread. I really wanted to but when it was over 80 deg. F. in my kitchen before I turned on the oven, there's no way you can convince me to bake bread. I'd probably faint from the heat and humidity that day if I had decided to do something so silly. Instead, I made my boys vanilla french toast for dinner as a treat and read them their favorite story at bed time (which is a switch from the usual routine because Beloved was out of the house attending his monthly gaming session).

I've always felt that Lammas was a 'working' holiday. A day made holy by work. They've taken in the first harvest of wheat. Some of that harvest got pelted pretty bad when some harsh weather had come through a few weeks back and I wasn't sure how well it'd go. But, the folks around seem to have bounced back pretty well from what's been a rough growing season this year with strange weather. The hay making has been going well. Corn is due to be brought in soon. It's tasseled out and just about right. I don't think the next town over will be holding their annual corn festival. All of the festivals have been cancelled due to Covid-19. 

Chelanya is a good time to count your blessings and recognize that Déa gives bountifully the gifts of the spirit to the world. I was working to keep that mindset but it was hard. Little things kept going wrong over the weekend. Then a big thing went wrong the day after. I tripped over some toys and fell hard. It was but only by the grace of the High Ones that I didn't land on my spinning wheel and net myself a trip to the hospital by way of injury. But I hurt my back pretty good. I think I landed on a matchbox car, the bruise is about the right shape for it.

Then after spending an afternoon checking up on / visiting Beloved's parents, we got home and thought it was going to be a typical quiet evening. That strange bit of minor misfortune however continued to swirl about. Beloved wound up going out to help our niece with some car trouble. I had the misfortune of having my plant stand on the back deck get blown over. There's broken pottery over about half of the deck. Strange luck had the pot that I inherited from my late paternal-grandmother land in a pot overgrown with weeds and the pot that I first bought to grow plants in land just right so that it wasn't even chipped and nary a petal on either geranium plant were disturbed. The pot with my fuchsia just had part of the lip broken off, landing right beside my outdoor shrine to Déa (which was thankfully undisturbed).

It has been an odd and exasperating last few days. I look around and wonder what I am harvesting. I no longer remember what seeds I have sown and feel as though Covid-19 cast me to the wind. Everything is in tumult in ways that haven't been before. Emotionally, it is difficult to weather the isolation that has been forced upon my family by the situation. As we look forward to the potential of school opening in September, I am filled with dread instead of anticipation. I can only lay my burdens of grief, fear, and uncertainty into the hands of the High Ones. So, I pray and hope for better days ahead.