Dear Reader,
You may have noticed my recent posts have been talking about my struggle with depression. It makes a lot of things hard. I haven't been sleeping well. Freyr's expressed concerns about this making my depression worse. He is of the mind that my taking naps during the day is aggravating my sleep problems. It's hard because I wake up feeling exhausted. He wants me to try to be a little more physically active. It kinda breaks my heart when he is sitting there beside me going "Please, just try to do it. I know you can, you just have to believe in yourself too."
When I'm depressed, I'm terrible at self-care. Time blurs together and I lose track of just when I last showered or did I brush my teeth this morning or not? I have such low energy that I run out of spoons just trying to get through the day doing the bare minimum. I plan to do things like exercise and drink more water than coffee. I find myself failing on a regular basis and it hurts. I expect for Freyr and Loki to be mad at me for this. I was raised in a toxic environment where failure was punished severely and when I am depressed I project this expectation of punishment onto Freyr, Loki, and Beloved. At the same time, I feel terribly guilty for projecting this expectation and feel more depressed over it, as if I'm broken.
Freyr, Loki, and Beloved all tell me the same thing: You're not broken, you're injured. Beloved phrases it as "You can't run on a broken leg. And it's not like you broke your leg on purpose. Woo, look at me having fun in crippling pain. Stop trying to run on your broken leg." Loki usually says something along the lines of "You have battle fatigue. You need to rest and recover before you can fight some more." Freyr just tells me to hang on. No matter how depressed I get, he tells me to hold on and be patient because it will pass.
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