Sai Werde's day was the 23rd of August, that would be Tuesday last week if you are keeping score. This is a day in the Filianic calendar that is for taking account of our lives and making resolutions for our future. Some have said this is like what most people do around secular New Year's Day. My day was spent feeling awful. I have been having some health problems and they have been making a great deal of things difficult. Least of which has been my writing on here, for which I do apologize.
On Sai Werde's day, I spent much of my time minding the children and quietly panicked over the vision problems I had developed due to a change in medication. As I was panicking and such, I came to the realization that I spend too much time expecting horrible things to happen. It was a sorrowful realization. I then turned my attention towards what I needed to do to prepare the household for the start of the school year (a wee bit over a week away from today). Still, that sadness lingered at the back of my mind.
It is hard to look forward to the future and anticipate good things happening when so much of your energy is invested in waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop and something horrible to happen. According to my therapist, this is a fairy common thing among people who have post-traumatic stress disorder and people who have anxiety disorders. I try to live with this attitude that I'm not afraid all the time. Sometimes, I can pull off that grand deception and fool myself into thinking that I am alright.
Sometimes, I have a day like today. I went out to go grocery shopping and had a panic attack in the store. In either case, that fear that something horrible is lurking still is hammering at the back of my mind. Once, someone described it as paranoia. I don't know what the right word for it is. I do know, however, that I tend to have contingency plans for when something awful happens and my contingency plans have contingency plans. I don't have them all written down, but they're always at the back of my mind. I'm trying to wean myself off of having to have a plan for every last little thing I do.
It is really hard to do that. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a great, yawning abyss. I am afraid that the ground is crumbling beneath my feet, but I can't tell if it truly is or not. I feel disoriented and dizzy in the face of the chasm. I don't know if the weight on me are my wings that will allow me to fly or chains that will only make my plummet to the ground hit terminal velocity faster and the impact harder. In the face of this, I do my best not to think about this feeling.
Because fear is what slowly kills us. I try to ignore it in the hope that I won't be eaten from the ankles up by it. I don't know if this is my werde or if it is wyrd. I don't know if it something entirely different. All I know is that I'm trying not to die a thousand deaths before my blood runs cold and my heart turns to stone in a clay cold corpse.