Fifth day of Nativity, and I'm tired.

 Dear Reader,

We celebrate Yule and Nativity at the same time. It just makes sense with the schedule factor. I was making presents up until the night of Nativity Eve. I still have a few to finish to mail out. Nativity Eve started out ok and then got a bit wonky but turned out alright in the end. Nativity day started out ok and then stopped just short of a disaster at my in-law's house. This business of things starting ok and then going sideways has been the theme for the last several days. It is exhausting.

I want to go take a nap but it's 4 pm and that's not really possible if I am going to get dinner done in time. I am no where near caught up with my paperwork that got messed up over the last three weeks. I did finish my tapestry but now I don't have an embroidery project at the moment to do. It's got me off kilter a bit. 

I spent the morning knitting the back of a baby sweater for my niece's baby who is due in the spring. I spent all of my daylight hours (with the exception of lunch and the times I had to do things with the kids) yesterday working on my monstrosity of a shawl/blanket. This thing is enormous and I hardly made a dent in the ball of yarn that I'm working from. It's the final triangle of the pattern and it requires 4 balls of yarn to make it. I'm probably half way through the second ball of yarn for that triangle. It was my other mad pandemic project. When I get it done I will post a picture of it.

My anxiety has been high because of drama with the extended family. I have been trying to get myself back into the habit of formal prayer sessions through out the day but the best I can manage is the morning offerings and maybe a 'Hail Marya' in the evening because I've been so busy. I thought that the time of Nativity was supposed to be a time of rest and celebration. It's turning into a time of work and exhaustion. I hope that isn't going to be the tone of the next year. 2020 was bad enough in those terms.

The Bright Mother's Laying In.

 Dear Reader,

I give you a tale of Mother's Night and the time to Nativity, as well as the time from Nativity to Epiphany. From the day of the Daughter's Conception to the day of Mother's Night, the Bright Mother walked upon the waters. The waters were becalmed by the Bright Mother's presence and bore her light tread as if sturdy earth. The cloak of Night settled about the Bright Mother as she drew near to the land, great with her Child.

The creatures of the world knew not that she was among them as the Bright Mother walked over the land to the Cave of the World at the center of a holy grove where once her feet had danced. The Bright Mother traveled disguised by the shifting shadows of Night looking to be of one form at one moment and then of another in the next. The Shining Ones above watched as she walked in awe that she had descended from pure bliss to the world to bear her holy Child. The primordial gods, known as the Elder Kin, the mirrors of Déa's pure light that had descended to keep watch over the mortal children of Déa, put aside their striving and remembered themselves.

They spoke to the mortal children of Déa, known as the children of the earth, and told them to go to the Cave of the World to behold a wonder. A great star appeared in the sky as the Elder Kin spoke to guide all that would go to that blessed place.

A Janya of Déa and one of the Elder Kin approached the Bright Mother as she reached the cave. The pair accompanied the Bright Mother into the Cave for her laying-in. They tended her as she groaned in childbed. The Bright Mother did thirst and the Elder Kin brought her water from a spring that arose at her side. As the Bright Mother drank, she blessed the primordial goddess. For three long days, the Bright Mother labored.

On the morning of Nativity day, the holy Child was born to the joy of the Janyati and the Elder Kin. All sang aloud in their celebration of the arrival of the long awaited Child. Outside the cave, a Janya stood guard and received the gifts of homage brought for the holy Child. Within the cave, the Bright Mother rested with her Daughter in her arms. The Janya and the primordial goddess served their every need as they rested.

Then, eleven days later, the Bright Mother stepped forth from the Cave of the World with her Daughter in her arms. This was the Epiphany of the holy Child. All the world drew breath with wonder and awe at the sight. The Bright Mother bore her Child with her into the the abode of bliss. The star that had shone so bright and wondrously through both day and night faded away into darkness after this. And that was a sign of things yet to come.

Going Radio Silent For A Few Days.

 Dear Reader,

Between this novel I'm desperately trying to finish (I'm 1/3 the way there!), the pile of Yule presents I am working on, and the work of getting the household ready for Yule, I'm going radio silent for this week and then posting will be sporadic. I'm half done with my Yule crafting. High Ones willing, I'll make things happier for everyone during these dark times.

Talk to y'all in a week! Hopefully, the book will be done by then. *crosses fingers*

Social Pressure to be a "Good Witch" is a Bitch.

 Dear Reader,

It's that time of year where it seems there's a lot of pressure to be "good". Good is a relative term but the socially accepted version of good goes straight back to the Christian over-culture. The holiday season tends to focus primarily upon the Christian holy day of Christmas. It's exasperating. To see the Puritanical Christian roots of the social concept of good bared through this season's focus on "good" is disgusting. I'm sorry, but I am not a person who is going to be all sweetness, forgiveness, and piety on those terms. That's not my faith and that's not how I live my life. But, gods above and below, there is a lot of pressure to do things like "forgive" toxic family members and try to have that fictitious Victoriana/Hallmark Christmas experience. 

In the Pagan community at large, that pressure bleeds into the discussion with people placing emphasis upon "hearth and home" and that pressure to "forgive" comes up. I see an increase in people criticizing others for not being aligned enough with the 'light' side of witchcraft. I see an increase in people trying to force witches and pagans into a socially acceptable box of "we're just lapsed Christians, we'll fit in to be nice." It is incredibly stressful to be pushed into that box. It's hard enough to go through life saying 'this is who I am and I am not Christian," it gets worse with the supposed 'war on Christsmas' people around and all of these people out there saying that the only good form of piety is Christian piety and all other forms of piety need to resemble it exactly to be valid.

A "good witch" is a token pagan member of the group who fits all the "nice" stereotypes. They're conventionally pretty in some fashion, they're willing to participate in the Christian rituals (secular and not), they don't discuss their religion at all, and they're always willing to use their resources to help make the holidays more 'magical' for others. In short, a "good witch" is muzzled, deprived of agency, and supposed to be an ornament that is useful as needed. 

I've lived that life. Fuck it. I'm not a "good" witch. According to some people, I'm a very bad one. Why? Because I am not all "love and light" in my work. I recognize that there is darkness out there and it is not to be feared. I recognize that I have shadow work to do and as uncomfortable as my authenticity may make the people around me, I owe it to myself to be honest in who I am. I'm considered a "bad" witch because I refuse to give up my dignity for the sake of being a holiday prop. I am considered a "bad" witch because I am a necromancer and I am public about it. I am considered a "bad" witch because I refuse to bow to the 'Elders' of various witchcraft traditions. I've gone so far as to actually get into fights with them over stuff like accuracy in historical claims, the acceptance of LGBTQ+ people, and the right of people to practice their own religion even if it differs from their spouse. 

I'm not a "good" witch. I'm a an experienced one. I am kind. If you are in need, I would give you the shirt off my back to make sure you were warm regardless of who you are. I am merciful to the weak and I am a holy terror to the smug, self-assured people of "power" because I recognize that all power is transitory and if you want me to respect you then you had better back up your claims.

Kindness can be a sword in the right hands. And a sharp tongue can be a balm in the right moment. The trick is recognize when it is the right time to act. I tend to hold back because I am a bit shy. But, there are things I don't hold back on. One of them is the attempt to force me back into the broom closet. Because that's where "good" witches live this time of year until they're trotted out for their token appearance. You don't want me to be your 'token' witch. Because I will show up and be myself, which can make your carefully planned role for me explode into unpredictable chaos. I'd blame it on Loki, but really, he just sits back and laughs as I destroy expectations by being myself.

Don't be a "good" witch. Be yourself and to Hel with anyone who can't handle it.

Candle safety during the holidays.

 Dear Readers,

This may seem a plebian and off topic post for this blog but it carries a very important reminder. A blogger I follow on another platform almost had a house fire because of a candle getting out of control. As I know that many of you, like myself, will use candles in ritual and for various other purposes, I just wanted to remind you to be safe with them.

Basic Rules for Candle Safety:

• Trim your wick to less than 1/4 inch from the wax
• Always burn your candle with supervision
• Keep all flammable objects well away from the candle (this includes overhead clearance)
  
• Make sure that your candle is out of reach of children or pets
• Do not burn a candle that has less than a half inch of wax left in the jar
• When extinguishing a candle, make sure it is FULLY out when you leave it - no smoke, no glowing embers. If it has either, it can reignite easily.
• Burn your candle on a level, stable surface this way there's no chance to hot wax tipping and going all over the place (It's a real pain to clean wax out of carpeting, just to warn you from my own derpy experience.)
• If you are using an electric fragrance warmer, treat it was a lit candle.
• Wait for your melted wax to fully cool and harden before transporting or disposing of your candle.
• Keep your candles well away from your Yule/Christmas tree. If that tree is the slightest bit dried out it is a MAJOR fire hazard. If you want the effect of candles on or near your tree, use the LED electric candles. 
• Keep your sleeves and such clear of the candle flame and the area above it. (Almost lit a sweater on fire because I wasn't paying attention, don't be like me on this one.)

Candle safety is important all year round. But it seems to pop up as a bigger issue during the holidays. This friendly reminder is partly for myself because I will do foolish things from time to time because I'm distracted (like that time I almost lit my sweater on fire).

Feast Day of the Conception of the Holy Daughter

 Dear Reader,

Within Filianism and Déanism, today is the Feast Day of the Conception of the Holy Daughter. It is considered one of the 'low' holidays of the liturgical calendar. The scriptural reading that corresponds with this is the passage describing the Bright Mother's conception of her Daughter by communing within herself and conceiving a child of Light that was of the Mother's Light and her own Light of divinity.

Activities to mark this minor holiday can include lighting candles and meditating upon the Light of Déa's love, saying the Rosary, or saying prayers for the deliverance of all of creation from the abyss of khear.

Coffee Sumbel? What?

 Dear Reader,

Due to my health conditions, I can no longer drink alcohol. As such, I would be unable to participate fully in any sumbels held honoring the Norse and Germanic gods. There is, however, an alternative. A get together that's been held in Germanic communities since the introduction of coffee is the coffeeklatch. You have your coffee and an assortment of goodies to eat as you visit with your guests. It's similar to the English afternoon tea (not to be confused with tea-time which is a heavier meal and more like what we call dinner in the USA).

A sumbel is a ritual where you get together and drink in honor of the gods, praising them for their goodness, making ritual boasts of feats you plan to accomplish, and generally enjoy the company of your companions and the gods. It's like a coffeklatch with alcohol (typically mead). Boasts made at a sumbel are considered to be an oath and their accomplishment will bring honor to the person performing it as well as the entire party gathered. Failure to meet the challenge that you have set for yourself may bring poor luck to the party and yourself, so a boast must be considered carefully before being made.

Replacing the alcohol with coffee makes it possible for people who can not have alcohol more fully participate in the sumbel. It also helps prevent intoxication fueled boasts that may put everyone involved into an awkward position. Coffee is still a mild mind altering substance (hello, sweet, sweet caffeine). So, purists who are concerned that the sumbel has been completely watered down can be a bit less worried. I've poured out plenty of coffee in offering to the gods and it's almost always been well received. On occasion, Loki will want a bit of Fireball in his coffee but I don't blame him on that one (it can be a tasty combination).

To the Orphaned Filianists

 Dear Reader,

There have been traditions of Filianism that have risen up and passed away. The Janite tradition is the most recent one to have done so. I know that this can cause great distress to the people who were left behind when the tradition collapsed. I wish for you to know that all is not lost. You can revive the orphaned tradition. There are sources of information out there about the traditions, some in text and others digital, that still exist. You do not need an unbroken lineage of ordination to revive these traditions. Charismatic ordination and deep study of the texts can provide you with what you need to carry the traditions forward.

Through the use of sites like Wayback Machine, you can find record of the blogs and sites discussing the orphaned traditions. Your search will have to be specific, which will rely upon your having knowledge of the tradition itself, but you can find records and similar information with a careful search. The 'secrets' of many traditions were shared before they were dissolved because of a desire to make the knowledge accessible to adherents. The trick is finding the sources where these 'secrets' are presented.

When you hit a road block and it's hard to decipher sources, take a step back and consider the information in context with what you know as a whole. Often, the truth is far simpler than we realize.

Do not give up hope if your tradition of Filianism is no longer 'publicly known' because the faith of one is as valid as the faith of thousands. And the work of one can breathe life back into forgotten patterns of faith as well as forge new ones just as well as the work of thousands. It might take longer because it is but one person, but Déa will give you signs of how to proceed in your work.

Regarding International Day of Disabled Persons.

 Dear Reader,

I am not expecting to make many waves with this post. My depression is currently telling me that it is an entirely pointless exercise in vanity to even be writing this. It is a constant cycle for me between depressive states and semi-normal states, with the occasional bump up in to hypomania. I have Bipolar II, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka CPTSD), and Seasonal Affective disorder (aka SAD). This time of year is particularly hard for me. Some of this is because there are anniversary dates of various traumas that I have experienced which come with depression and flashbacks. Some of this is because of SAD kicking me in the teeth. My Bipolar II likes to come to the party and make things especially miserable every few weeks to begin with, so when it's this season things are hard.

I am disabled due to mental illness. I also have an 'invisible illness' which is type 2 diabetes. It's really tough when people around you assume that you are 'fine' when you are sick like this. I don't typically talk about my disability or my diabetes because there is a measure of internalized shame for the situation I am in when it comes to my health. That shame is a direct result of my upbringing and the trauma that came with it. Even keeping that fact in mind, I still find myself embarrassed when I have to do a blood sugar check in public or feeling a deep sense of shame when I am taking my medications to manage my disorders. (I was raised in a household that didn't believe mental illness was a thing and that all people who took medication for it were drug addicts. That was the least harmful of the garbage that was spewed. I'm working very hard to un-learn this bias.)

My disability is the reason why I post in sporadic bursts of activity here. Some days, I am in such a deep, dark place inside myself that I can barely function even with the assistance of medication. Other days, I feel ok and I can post with ease. And then there's the hypomania which has me writing like there's no tomorrow. The tricky thing about hypomania is the fact that it can fool you into thinking that you're "ok" and that you just have a lot of energy so you can do ALL the things. The problem is, if you are fooled by it, there's going to be a crash and (if you're like me) you'll slide down into depression.

I am working very hard to overcome my disability. It is exhausting work to fight your own brain every day. I deeply appreciate the patience and kindness that you, my readers, have shown me as I slog through this mess. Today's post is difficult, but I felt it important to inform you that I'm not absentminded as much as it may seem. I'm just trying to get through the day with low energy reserves and brain weasels gnawing on me right now. Throw being a parent on top of my writing efforts and my attempts to keep the apartment clean (which doesn't work so great with two preteens around), sometimes I am too exhausted and rattled to post anything.

So, thank you for sticking by me as I keep marching forward. If you are struggling, don't give up. Things will eventually improve to a tolerable level. Just be patient, keep your faith close to your heart, and remember to keep your shield up as you push forward. You'll grind this under your heel as you march forward too. It's one day at a time.

On Walking a Blended Path of Filianism & Heathenry

 Dear Reader,

If you follow me on Tumblr, you may have noticed that I put up daily prayers for both Filianism and Heathenry. This is because I practice both faiths, albeit in a fashion that would confound purists of both faiths and half the pagan community at large (I suspect). The variant of Heathenry that I practice looks completely different from mainstream Heathenry. I honor the gods and have a personal relationship with several of them. I don't hold great rituals in their honor because I have children that would make it problematic. I do, however, make a point of daily worship practices, like giving an offering of coffee every morning and expressing my gratitude for their presence in my life.

I don't hold that Ragnarok is the end of all things. It is a time of major transition and those are typically accompanied by crisis on multiple levels. It is, however, not an ending but a 'reboot' of the entire cycle. It is my sincere belief that time is cyclical. It is equally my sincere belief that we do not die and just hang out in Helheim (or which ever hall your spirit goes to) until Ragnarok. I believe that we reincarnate. Our time in the realms of death are as temporary as our time upon Midgard. When we die in Midgard, we are born in the realms of death and experience something akin to life there.

Now, this may sound somewhat familiar to the Filianists in my readership. The Dark Mother's in-breathing of all existence is not the end of all things but a 'reboot'. All shall begin again as the Dark Mother exhales and the Bright Mother begins her dance of joyful creation. Death is not a permanent thing in Filianism. Some remain upon the Wheel of Existence until they have learned the lessons their soul requires to progress onward to the next realm of existence, a realm of pure spirit. One may asked in all of this how do I reconcile the holy Daughter with the plethora of other gods, how do I reconcile Déa at large with this pantheon that is very different.

It is my belief that all gods of all pantheons are Déa's children. They are present in this world and the spiritual realms as harbingers of the Daughter and as co-creators of existence. The tales of the end of existence that come with each faith speak of the cosmic cycle of rebirth. They are as dependent upon the Daughter for reunion with Déa as we are, for they descended into creation to watch over and await the coming of the Daughter. If it were not for the salvific nature of the Daughter, Ragarok would truly be the end of all things. 

Then there is the thorny (pun not intended) question of the Dark Queen. It is my belief that the realms of death, upon the defeat of the Dark Queen were put into the care of the various deities of death to ensure that she could not regain her stronghold. It is my believe that there are various levels to the realms of death, some parallel to each other, some that are not. Down, at the deepest level of the realms of death is the place where soul death happens because it is the place of khear's greatest. That place is the Dark Queen's stronghold. 

The deities of death hold their respective realms against the Dark Queen's infiltration to prevent her from returning to her stronghold before it is the time for all things to begin again. The Dark Queen, her court and her servants are scattered through out this world because it is closest to the realms of death due to the immanent mortality of all in this world. When the Dark Mother gathers in all of existence, the Dark Queen will be swept up in the process and restored to her primordial form. The Snake of Filianism will return to its amorphous form. All shall return to as it was during the era of potential before the Bright Mother engaged in creation.

Frith & Generosity.

 Dear Reader,

The holiday season is upon us. It looks a little different this year because of Covid-19, but there are some elements that remain the same. In antiquity, the Nordic and Germanic pagan cultures valued something known as 'frith' and generosity highly. These were the glue that helped hold the social structures of those societies together. We would do well to rekindle these concepts in our hearts to help heal the social agonies of our present day culture.

Frith is an ancient term. It denotes the concept of hospitality to strangers, keeping peace within the social group, and a state of safety. There are subtle differences across the different cultures how Frith was viewed, but these three major concepts underlay the variations. Frith literally translates to 'peace' or 'calm'. Places of sanctuary were denoted as frithgard, usually holy sites dedicated to the gods. The term Frith lasted up until the late middle ages with certain churches having a frith-stool, where one would sit upon if they were invoking holy sanctuary.

Generosity is well known, though not well practiced. Fame and renown in antiquity came in part from being known as a generous person in these cultures. Kings were upheld as examples of great generosity as they gave from their personal holdings to people who served them, people who were in need, and guests. How much of this is mythic uplifting of ancient kings as greater paragons of virtue than they were, who knows? The stories, however, tell us that this was a important element of the smooth functioning of that culture.

Now is the season of giving. We give gifts. We host parties. We celebrate widely. Let us remember in our giving to give the gifts of peace, good will, safety, and genuine generosity. Let us remember these things not because they commend us to others but in honor of the season and because they help us to be better people.

Divination: Dark Season or Light Season for Deep Readings?

 Dear Reader,

We're marching our way through the Dark Season of the Year here in the Northern Hemisphere. The days draw shorter and the nights extend longer. On top of that, in my region, the weather tends more towards cloudy and cold. We haven't had our first real snowfall yet, but I can feel it in my arthritic bones that it's going to happen soon. Some questions that come up when it comes to divination is when is the best time of year to do a deep reading on issues like past lives, ancestor contact, and looking into future events. 

Folk wisdom in the Pagan community at large says that during the Dark period (be it of the Moon or Sun) is the best time to look into hidden things. The premise is just as the source of light is hidden, so is the details of the matter that you are reading on. It goes back to the principle of "like calls to like," which is one of the fundamental concepts of modern magical practices at large. In my experience, deep readings can be done in either season, the question is what is your focus.

In the Light season, your focus would be casting light upon the hidden details. This will reveal different information (sometimes more superficial information) than what you would get during the Dark season. The Dark season is the time for the focus to be on summoning the hidden details to reveal themselves to you. You are not casting light upon them as much as raising them from the depths as you would raise the dead from where they lie.

The information gleaned from the Dark season readings is going to tend towards brutal honesty and a hard push towards confronting your Shadow Self. I'm not saying that information from Light season readings are not going to push towards that as well, but Dark season readings are going to push far harder in that direction. 

[Untitled]

 Dear Reader,

I'm not really sure what to write. I am depressed because of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the fact that the 'holiday season' brings a laundry list of depression triggers for me. Due to the depression, I feel like I am a fraud and that nothing I have ever done or ever will do is going to be good enough. A part of me says I should delete this post and just give up.

I, however, am not one to just give up on things. There's some core part of me that says I must push through the challenges before me and bend the universe to my will. It is exhausting to have that drive down deep inside. While it has allowed me to accomplish many things (like writing 2 books over the course of this month despite my depression), this drive to push forward is relentless and almost like a compulsion.

I have started my holiday crafting months late. At the same time the list of people I am crafting for is much shorter than it has been in past years. I'd be doing charity crafting but I have no where to donate the goods that I have made. They're just sitting in a laundry basket taking up space in the other room. Due to Covid-19, I have not been making the preemie hats and scarves for the homeless. It cut down on my yarn bill, but it doesn't leave me much to work with in my annual scrap yarn projects at the end of the year.

I feel like a fraud for so many reasons. I'm not holding rituals anymore because my kids get into things. I'm doing less magical work because I'm doing less rituals and because my kids get into things that I leave sitting out. As such, the brain weasels gnaw on me and tell me that I'm not a real witch because I'm not doing these witchy things. I'm doing less in the way of active devotional work for any of the deities because I have been so busy juggling the kids needs and trying desperately to keep the household running. I feel like I've been a bad priestess to Déa because I'm not out there working among the population doing things like volunteering at the local food pantry, simply because I don't have the time or the energy to do it. I feel like I have been a bad priestess to Déa because I haven't been writing spiritual works for her this year. I feel like I have been a bad priestess to Déa because my medical conditions prevent me from 'properly' celebrating the rite of Sacrifice. I've been spinning my wheels on trying to come up with alternatives that work for people like myself who are medically unable to have wine or bread (yay diabetes /sarcasm).

Depression makes this time of year really hard. It's part of the reason why I have a habit of going radio silent through most of the month of December. I feel like nothing I have to say is good enough and that my complaints about my struggles are something that no one wants to read. When the Werdé's Day came, I promised myself that I would be more open and transparent in my writing. I also promised that I would be more consistent. It's been a struggle. I'm going to put my damn fool stubbornness to work here and do my best to keep posting through the darkest months of the year. I can't promise it will be pretty or necessarily uplifting. But it will be honest and genuine.

NaBloPoMo 10? I surrender.

  There's no way that I am going to make up the missing posts for the remainder of this month. Being sick for two weeks with that sinus infection threw everything off. Then I got hyper-focused on writing books. Add to that the chaos of a few days of distance learning, the kids being off from school for a few days, and the typical afternoon/evening chaos when they get home from school ... Well, you can see why I made it to ten posts before I hung up my hat on this front.

NaBloPoMo 9: Ramblings.

 Dear Reader,

I'm a day behind, but I will try to get caught up. I have this wicked head cold / sinus infection that's accompanied by an intermittent fever that keeps bouncing up and down between loopy headspace and just wanting to sleep headspace. It's been a long week and a half. Theoretically, I should be over this in the next few days.

I am frustrated because I'm struggling to do my chores around the house. I just feel exhausted and like the world is spinning at a 45 deg. angle very slowly. This is likely due to the sinus infection part of the fun. I was feeling well enough to do my morning coffee with the gods. It's kinda like a sumbel without alcohol and other participants. I have a ginormous coffee mug that I filled up and doctored to be tasty. Then I toasted the gods, spirits, and ancestors. I poured out an offering with each toast and then drank a bit of coffee. Because it's just something that they've made clear to me, when they drink I should drink with them. The exception that I am permitted is when I give offerings that are not going to mix well with my diabetes or the laundry list of medications I am on right now, like alcohol or fruit juice.

For months now I have been wracking my brain for how to adapt the Rite of Veneration / Rite of Sacrifice for people that can not have alcohol or fruit juice. I keep coming back to what manner of drink is a luxury for your household. In my case, it's diet peach iced tea. The other thing that keeps coming up in my contemplation of the question is blessed water. Because there are people who are allergic to the sweeteners that are in diet beverages. I am leaning towards blessed water.

The reason why I am leaning towards blessed water is two fold. First, water that is potable is scarce and precious. Some of us have the luxury of clean drinking water that is easily accessible. Many more are not in such a lucky position. As such clean drinking water is as much a luxury as wine, if not more so. The second reason why I am leaning towards blessed water is because water is one of the primary elements of creation. If we consider the rite from the elements of existence that are incorporated into it, the bread would be that of earth, the incense would be fire and air, and the wine would be water that has been transformed into alcohol. (If we seriously look at the fermentation process as alchemical, fresh grape juice has more water content than alcohol and the transformation changes the entire substance of the grape juice, including the water content.)

In the Rite of Veneration / Rite of Sacrifice, we are offering up to Déa the fruits and gifts of the world. This can manifest in many different ways, like a bouquet of flowers or the Collyrdian style offerings of wine and bread. The only form of offering prohibited is blood sacrifice. Some could logically extend that out to any form of offering based in animal products, which is why some Filianists and Déanists do not offer up meat when they say grace before their meals. I would go so far as to say that goods that are produced via slave labor or in an environmentally harmful fashion could go on the list of unacceptable offerings as well.

NaBloPoMo 8: Chop wood, carry water.

 Dear Reader,

I don't usually make political posts on here. While it is good to celebrate the victory of the president-elect, we must not stop here. We must push for justice for everyone. We must push for the end of the detention centers/concentration camps and the abomination that is ICE. We must push for human rights across the board. BLM needs to be supported so that people who are not lily white get a fair shot at the 'American dream.' We need to make sure that women's reproductive rights remain respected. We need to stop human trafficking. We need to body check the white supremacists into a few walls when they decide that it's fine to start physically intimidating anybody who doesn't meet their niche concept of a 'real American'. 

Yes, be happy. I am. It is a victory. We have won the battle but we have not yet won the war. And there is a subtle war going on right now for the very essence of this nation. Let us not become complacent and let ourselves be fooled into thinking that the Democratic party is our saviors. The Democratic party is not the reason why Joseph Biden is president elect. It is the people.

It is time for the sleeping giant to awake and slap down the neo-fascists. There's still work to do. Take a breather. Get a drink and some food. We've got a brief reprieve but we're going to have to pick up that shield again and start marching for justice again soon.

NaBloPoMo 7: It's officially 30 years now.

 Dear Reader,

It's official as of last night around 5pm, I've been practicing witchcraft for 30 years now. I just had my 42nd birthday. I was reviewing some old notes in my book of shadows and realized they dated back 30 years. The whole thing is a disorganized mess. I'm probably going to sit down and attempt to make sense of it. It wanders through various topics with spells written down next to historical research, with devotional drawings and poetry scattered through out.

I don't know where I'm going to start on organizing this mass of paperwork. You know those good sized file boxes that have the lid with a handle that snaps down on it? I could fill two of them with my notes. I know that organizing my book of shadows is going to be a big project that will help me get things sorted out. I have tried a few times in the past and it didn't work out so well. I got overwhelmed and gave up. A part of me says I should work on it now, but I'm doing this blogging challenge across five blogs and writing a novel. (Almost at 20k words on the novel, the goal is 50k by the end of the month.)

I think I'm going to get myself organized next year (as per the Julian calendar) and work on it through out the year. I have an equally large project that I need to work on through out the year, organizing my notes and background work for the fantasy series that I am writing. I have almost as many years worth of notes kicking around here for that too. I figure 15 minutes on each every day shouldn't be too big of a bite out of my day and I can get it sorted out by the end of the year. I don't think that is overly optimistic. I may be wrong. I'm still a little feverish and not thinking quite clearly. But, I was able to get a full night of sleep with out coughing myself awake last night. So I am definitely on the mend.

NaBloPoMo 6: Cord Magic II

 Dear Reader,

In my last post, I mentioned a number of forms of cord magic that went beyond simply tying knots in a string. Today, I want to share with you my favorite forms of cord magic. Top of the list is spinning. Spinning yarn or thread is a labor intensive process with many steps. You can skip some of the steps and buy roving that is already dyed and prepared, but it is still a lot of work. The cool thing about spinning is the fact that it is a process that goes into antiquity. Modern spinning wheels are not too different from the ancient ones, except for those nifty e-spinners. (I've been thinking about possibly getting one but they're a bit out of my price range right now.) And if you really want to go back to the roots of spinning, get yourself a spindle.

This art is steeped in history and the form of magic that goes with it is equally so. Also, spinning can be a very relaxing, if not literally entrancing form of handcraft. When I am spinning with intention, I have not only the item I plan on making from the yarn or thread in mind but what the end goal of the item involved will be. For example, I spun some fine thread with the intention of it being a protection charm. I kept that focus as I plied the yarn and then fashioned it into a cord for the protection charm that I made to go on. As a result, troubles missed their target and I honestly believe that an attempted curse was averted given the description of what happened from the recipient of the protection charm.

My second favorite form of cord magic is crochet. Number one, you get to use a hook as a wand to direct your energy into the yarn. That's fun. Number two, crochet is the process of making knots with a hook to make a fabric. (A single crochet stitch is the same as a slip knot. All other crochet stitches are a variations off of this.) I use crochet to make healing shawls and blankets to help people who have difficulty sleeping. I also use it to make protection and health enspelled hats for preemie babies. (I've made SO many hats.)

Crochet is a highly versatile fiber art. You can make anything with it. Slippers and socks to hats to high couture garments and art pieces. (If you do crochet and want to make something cool, start with a round of 6 stitches and double the number of stitches every round. You'll wind up with a hyperbolic plane that looks like a bit of coral.) As with spinning, you put your intention into each stitch and part of the process. In the end, you have a magically charged item that can be used for quite a while before the spell wears off.

NaBloPoMo 5: Cord Magic.

 Dear Reader,

Cord magic is something that gets mentioned as a really simple thing. At it's most basic level, cord magic is as simple as tying knots with intentions and then untying the with intentions. You can, however, delve deeper into this category of magic. Crafting with string or yarn is a for of cord magic if you're impressing your intentions into what you are making. (Like the best damn baby blankie in town that puts the colicky tot to sleep every time you wrap 'em up.) Sewing is a form of cord magic if you are impressing your intentions into each stitch. If you want to move away from sewing and get into stuff like embroidery, you have more complex stitches that gives you more opportunities to cast spells as you work. And then there is spinning, where you're literally making your thread or yarn with intention. Let us not forget the second oldest form of cord magic, cord making. If you're using a tool like a lucet, you are making a TON of knots to fashion your cord out of string. Each knot can be a spell component or a full spell in itself.

Don't limit your cord magic to just tying a few knots in a string. Branch out into the different possibilities. You may find that there's a form that works even better for you.

NaBloPoMo 4: Dianic Wicca & Filianism

 Dear Reader,

A question I saw posed on Tumblr caught my eye. This anonymous soul asked if one could be a Dianic Wiccan and a Filianist at the same time. The person that they posed the question to wasn't sure how to answer because they were not familiar with Dianic Wicca. I, however, can answer this question to some extent.

Dianic Wicca is in many respects the matrifocal version of Wicca that is closest in ideology to Filianism. Filianism in its worship structures are similar to those of Christianity but they do not prohibit magical practices, in general. Both religions revere the feminine Divine as the prime originator of reality and the sustainer of it. They use different language and have some diverse comments on things like the practitioner's relationship with the earth. But, Dianic Wicca is compatible with Filianism.

NaBloPoMo 3: If you're not 'practicing' you're still a witch.

 Dear Reader,

The last year has been awfully hard on me. There was the seasonal depression that I was just barely clawing my way out of when the business of Covid-19 hit. There was the extreme stress of distance learning and trying to keep my two boys entertained/educated/engaged for months. And I've been struggling with my bipolar, c-ptsd, and anxiety disorder with all of the rhetoric flying around due to this being an election year. On top of that, I have just slowly become more exhausted as time has gone on because I simply haven't had the opportunity to rest and recover from all of this.

It's left me feeling like a fraud. I haven't done a full ritual in over a year. Sure, I officiated a wedding but it was a super short secular wedding due to Covid-19 and life circumstances for the couple in question. But ritual observances of the full moon haven't happened since some time in 2008. Ritual observances of the high holidays of either of the two religions that I'm involved in haven't happened in at least a year. No matter what I do, something comes up or otherwise goes wrong. It's very discouraging and leaves me feeling like I am a fraud or something.

I was reminded recently, even if you're not holding rituals or casting ceremonial spells, you're still a witch. If your potion work is brewing the best damn pot of tea in town, that's still going to count as magic. If your spell casing is mixed with crafting and you make the best blankies for kids of every age, that still counts as magic. If your theurgy is simply reciting the prayers you have memorized for serenity, that still counts as magic.

Magic is not the sole domain of high ritual. It can be as simple as cleansing and purifying yourself ritually while you're taking a shower. I know at some point, life will calm down enough that I can start doing rituals again. And I'm talking about rituals that go beyond pouring out offerings every morning and lighting candles. In the mean time, I do my best to remember that I am magic and that every action I take is prayer.

NaBloPoMo 2: Honoring the Ancestors

 Dear Reader,

This post is on a topic that is close to my heart. In most of the United States of America's pseudo-Christian over culture, the dead are forgotten as soon as they're in the ground. There used to be a ritualized period of mourning but this gave way to hurry up and get back to work. It is considered to be morbid or impolite to discuss the dead after their funeral except in passing. This is not because of concerns that it would draw their spirit to you (which is found in many other cultures) but because death is a taboo topic for the majority of my country. Unless you're talking about murdering others in the abstract, the it gets bantered around quite casually.

In the pagan community the time around Samhain (also known as Halloween) is a time for honoring the dead. Altars and shrines are set up to them and rituals are practiced to keep their memories alive. This is not the only time of year one can spend a moment honoring they who went before us. It can be a daily practice such as what I have. Every morning, I brew a pot of coffee and put out a cup as an offering to my ancestors. It is a small act of welcoming, but it can be a big thing.  Small ritual acts build up big energy over time.

It's like building a cairn. Each small pebble is not much in itself. The entirety, however, can be breathtaking in what is built. There are days where I'm not feeling well or I just don't have the time for that morning offering. I trust that the ancestors are forgiving and understand when I am unable to do my daily ritual. They say that each of us are the result of the love of thousands. That love is deep and can carry us through hardship. Even when that hardship is having a bad case of the flu and being sick in bed most of the day, our ancestors will care for us and lend us the energy we need to be healthy and well.

Some may say, but I'm an orphan, I have no ancestors that I know of. Or I have disowned my family, I can't venerate them. Remember that line about the love of thousands? That means you have ancestors that are not going to be recognized as related to you. That means that you have ideological ancestors who guide you as you try to navigate life in an ethical way. That means that you can venerate the dead and let them reach back to you with the same care you extend to them, regardless of how much blood quantum connection is there.

NaBloPoMo 1: What is this?

 Dear Readers,

I have fallen out of the habit of regular blogging. NaBloPoMo is a casual challenge to bloggers to blog every day for the month of November. I invite my fellow bloggers to take up this challenge and spend the month sharing what is on your mind and the things you enjoy.

This is different from other blogging challenges because there is no meme beyond "just write a post every day" and the themes are left completely open ended. Some people write fiction. Others write poetry. And there was one person I knew who wrote reviews of anime that she watched. The choice of what to write is completely yours.

Now that I have explained National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo), let me share with you the sister project that I am involved with for the seventh year in a row. That is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write a book (not necessarily a novel) by the end of the month. Initially, I was thinking I wasn't going to be able to do NaNoWriMo this year because of all the things going on around me right now. Then, last night as I was staring at the computer trying to wind down from my busy day, a novel storyline struck me and I started writing. Now, if you write 1677 words every day, you will have a small (50k words) novel by the end of the month.

Again, I invite the writers and would be writers out there to join me in this madness. As a fellow author said, there's a book inside everyone, everyone has a story to tell. And another author told me this gem: everything that happened to you is yours, if people wanted to be cast in a better light then they should have treated you better. So if you're considering an autobiographical novel, write it. No one said you had to publish. And if you decide to publish, no one said you couldn't use a pen name.

Don't worry, there will be witchy content on here. I just had to use my first post of the month (a few days late) to get everyone up to speed with what is going on right now.

Toxic Masculinity vs. the Divine Masculine

 Dear Reader,

In a chat group I am a part of, one member expressed some distress over the idea of interacting with the Divine Masculine. This saddened me. The fact that toxic masculinity is so prevalent in so many places that it makes the thought of the Divine Masculine a source of distress is tragic. Some people argue that the Divine Masculine is war-like, power hungry, and dismissive of their people unless constantly placated with servile displays of devotion. This projection of the traits of toxic masculinity upon the Divine Masculine is precisely what drives people away from him in his various forms.

The Divine Masculine is not a club to beat worshippers into submission, though there are parties out there who use the threat of the Divine Masculine's potency to do exactly that. At the core of things, the Divine Masculine is equal to the Divine Feminine. They are two halves of the same coin, in some ways. The Divine Masculine is as nurturing, loving, and supportive as the Divine Feminine. The Divine Masculine is as protective of worshippers as the Divine Feminine. 

Where does this image of the Divine Masculine as a vengeful entity come from? Where does this image of the Divine Masculine deriving pleasure or some measure of satisfaction from harm that is wrought in their name come from? This is projected on to the Divine Masculine by institutions and people who are in positions of power that seek to use the Divine Masculine as a tool to manipulate and subjugate others. This is a cultural attitude that does not match the nuanced reality. The Divine Masculine has no need for machismo or other attitudes intended to prove dominance.

Are there war-like gods? Yes, masculine, feminine, and intersex ones. Are there gods that have high demands of their followers? Yes, regardless of their gender identification there are gods like this. This is because gods are infinite in their complexity and not so neatly defined by a single culture's concept of gender politics. 

We must correct the problems within our culture that make the concept of masculinity terrifying for many. It is only when we confront toxic masculinity that we open our eyes to see what masculinity really is. The gods are more than what we project on them. If we project toxic masculinity onto the Divine Masculine, we limit our ability to perceive the Divine Masculine more clearly because we are forcing all other possibilities out of our perception.

Godspousery Notes: Just hang in there.

 Dear Reader,

You may have noticed my recent posts have been talking about my struggle with depression. It makes a lot of things hard. I haven't been sleeping well. Freyr's expressed concerns about this making my depression worse. He is of the mind that my taking naps during the day is aggravating my sleep problems. It's hard because I wake up feeling exhausted. He wants me to try to be a little more physically active. It kinda breaks my heart when he is sitting there beside me going "Please, just try to do it. I know you can, you just have to believe in yourself too."

When I'm depressed, I'm terrible at self-care. Time blurs together and I lose track of just when I last showered or did I brush my teeth this morning or not? I have such low energy that I run out of spoons just trying to get through the day doing the bare minimum. I plan to do things like exercise and drink more water than coffee. I find myself failing on a regular basis and it hurts. I expect for Freyr and Loki to be mad at me for this. I was raised in a toxic environment where failure was punished severely and when I am depressed I project this expectation of punishment onto Freyr, Loki, and Beloved. At the same time, I feel terribly guilty for projecting this expectation and feel more depressed over it, as if I'm broken.

Freyr, Loki, and Beloved all tell me the same thing: You're not broken, you're injured. Beloved phrases it as "You can't run on a broken leg. And it's not like you broke your leg on purpose. Woo, look at me having fun in crippling pain. Stop trying to run on your broken leg." Loki usually says something along the lines of "You have battle fatigue. You need to rest and recover before you can fight some more." Freyr just tells me to hang on. No matter how depressed I get, he tells me to hold on and be patient because it will pass.

It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm exhausted. Send coffee pls?

 I have been struggling with depression. It makes me feel like my brain is gelatinous and I'm trying to think through mud. One may ask, how does depression impact spiritual activity? It's a good question and I'll try to answer it. It is like being wrapped up in a wet wool blanket that covers your face and ears along with everything else. You can sort of perceive what is going on but it is difficult and the information is garbled.

For this reason, I put of doing tarot readings for myself when I am in this state because I just stare at the pretty pictures and wonder why I am not getting anything from the cards. If the depression is mild, I can still read for other people with relatively high accuracy. But for myself or a situation that I am close to (like how to move forward after abandoning Keen's platform) is really difficult because the impressions are clouded and colored by my depression. I tend to take a fatalistic approach to the reading, or I just get gibberish.

If I am in a state of panic, all bets are off. I am too caught up in my anxiety to think clearly about mundane things never mind anything mystical. Combine panic with depression and my brain chemistry soup is toxic. It is just a bad time in my head because I can't get out of the past trauma that plays on repeat in a loop of flashbacks. It's bitterly ironic that severe depression is a trigger for my PTSD. If I'm at that place, I'm useless for anything magical or spiritual because I'm locked into a fight/flight state. At best, I can accomplish a prayer to Deity to help me get out of that state.

I'm not as bad as I used to be because I have a great psychiatrist who works with me. He has helped me avoid the really bad depressive episodes that trigger my PTSD hard core. He also doesn't judge me on my spirituality or anything else like that. Having a support like that is beyond worth its weight in gold.  A good support system when you are depressed is like a good support system when you're sick in any other way. Having caring people who try to understand and help you through your period of weakness is pure magic. People who remind you to do the mundane self-care things that you might forget in the fog of illness and can do little tasks like help out with the dishes once in a while is enormously helpful. Virtual support networks from friends on-line are just as helpful. They can give you that extra push to go to therapy on the day where you're honestly not sure if you have the spoons for it. They can listen and give good advice on how to resolve the brain fog related problems that pop up (like staring into your fridge for about 10 minutes wondering how on earth you're going to make dinner when you have sandwich fixings).

And, don't forget, you also have your spiritual support network as well. Brain fog may have eaten where you put your car keys but the Good Folk that have taken a shine to you may put them in the most obvious place ever for you to literally trip over them. Gods can do wondrous things but sometimes the biggest miracle of the day is them granting you the endurance to get through when you are at the end of your rope.

Seasonal Affective Disorder Sucks.

 Dear Reader,

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is also known as seasonal depression. It's such a lame disorder that the acronym in SAD. This and my most recent Bipolar depressive episode has been getting in the way of my accomplishing much of anything on any front right now. I feel pretty awful, to be honest. It's been bringing up some trauma memories on top of it all. I'm doing my best but I feel like my best isn't good enough.

Scumbag brain is telling me that sharing this is a vain attempt to get the internet to throw me a pity party. (Quips from my ancient past arising again, yay complex post-traumatic stress disorder.) But, I've got two deities leaning on me saying that I should talk about this. Something about mental health is not a stigma and it'll help me push through the lies that are being recycled on loop in my head about it.

I grew up in a household that didn't believe that mental illness was real. They decided that depression was laziness and anxiety was being a drama whore. It was harsh, especially as I hit puberty and depression got really bad. I still struggle with the concepts that were (in some cases literally) beaten into to me. When I get depressed, I have a hard time seeing that my value is more than what I can produce or what the sum total of my parts may be on the black market. It's been part of a mental loop that I've had stuck in my head since about the age of ten.

I am not suicidal. I am still taking my medications and they are helping. But the medications are not "happy pills" they are just enough to keep my depression from sinking so low that I start having problems with psychosis. Because my flavor of Bipolar II comes with psychotic features. I don't have psychosis symptoms when I am manic but when I'm very severely depressed. And then, it is reliving the abuse that I grew up with. It's auditory hallucinations that get so realistic that I could swear that the person speaking is standing right behind me one foot to the left. Due to how much I was gaslighted as a kid, I reality test anything weird that happens. So, if I am sitting with my back against a wall and I'm having a hallucination, I know it's not real because there is a wall behind me.

I have been told that my ability to distinguish when I am having hallucinations is highly unusual. I had a brief period where I thought they were real. Then life circumstances changed and I realized with horror that what I had thought was neighbors screaming in the next apartment over was a hallucination. It just got worse from there and I had times where I was shaking from the effort to ignore the hallucination and continue on with my day. I'm not at that point in my depression right now, thank gods. I fear having hallucinations and the prospect of being hospitalized again due to depression.

Right now, I'm pushing forward on the grim hope that things will get better. I tell myself every night before I go to sleep that tomorrow will be better than today. I try to make it happen. It's exhausting. Some days, I don't get very much done at all. Other days, I have the energy to do the bare minimum. But I wake up everyday with the intent to come on here and post. It's just been really hard to find the energy and the mental focus to do so. Please bear with me as I am working through this.

My Tarot Reading Service Has Changed.

 Dear Reader,

If you are looking for a tarot reading from me, please don't use Keen. Due to changes in how they do business, I am literally losing money just signing in to do readings. I'm still in the process of deciding if I am going to go with another telephone psychic's service or not. I am currently very frustrated because I had been working with Keen since 2007 and their recent predatory business practices have driven me away from a platform I enjoyed using. 

If you are using Keen as a client and your favorite advisor has functionally doubled their rates it isn't because they're trying to price gouge you. It is because Keen's now bumped up how much they take from advisors in fees to the point that it is approximately 80 cents on the dollar. Yes, you read that correctly. If you're looking for a service to work with to find clients don't let Keen fool you by their articles about how good their psychics are or how long they've been around. Keen of today is dramatically different from Keen of 2007. 

I am still more than happy to do tarot readings. Currently, it would be via email with payment on paypal. If you are looking for a tarot reading, please don't hesitate to contact me. A basic Celtic Cross spread starts at $20.00 and includes a lot of details such as explaining what each card position means and what clarifying cards are put down with each position as needed. If you have any questions, please contact me at cydira13(at)yahoo.(com). Obviously, remove the parenthesis, they're there just incase bots are looking to spam me.

Video ??? - Thoughts on Clergy in Paganism

There is no transcript for today's video because I just haven't the proverbial spoons to write everything out multiple times and make the video. I will, however, summarize the main points of my video. The Christian model of how clergy works is not how it worked in antiquity across world cultures. The modern argument that all pagan clergy should be performing their duties in the same fashion as the Christian clergy is nonsensical. In antiquity, there were three classes of clergy. The highest class remained in the temple and served deities directly. The intermediate class of clergy served to facilitate public ritual and make sure that the offerings of the general public were properly handled. The lowest class of clergy served to assist lay persons with their personal worship practices and provide spiritual guidance.

Modern pagan worship has seen a re-emergence of these three classes of clergy. As much as some member of the Filianic community may dislike it, the emergence of these three classes of clergy are happening here as well. The expectation that the clergy of non-Christian religions to serve the same function as Christian clergy does is not possible. The cultus of Christianity is built so that the clergy are the direct intermediaries for worshippers to access their deity. It is only in relatively modern times that the idea of a personal relationship with the Christian god has arisen. In pagan worship systems, that personal relationship with deity is the norm. 

The expectation in antiquity was if you had a question regarding your spiritual life, you performed divination on your own or sought out someone who was good at it to get answers. You didn't go to the clergy of your faith for spiritual direction unless the situation was dire. Most often, you went to them for assistance in performing public rituals of worship. The rest you handled on your own. That is why there is a history of people making offerings to deities like they're paying the mob to get something they want. 

Prayer was entirely different in antiquity. What would be considered to be vulgar in today's Christianized over-culture, was simply the norm. That's why there is graffiti at sites like Pompeii where someone wrote that they got screwed over by a deity and there is historical record of pagans doing things like threatening deities if they didn't get what they wanted. The relationship between worshipper and deity is far more personal and direct. The three classes of clergy that served deity directly, facilitated public rituals, and directed persons in the proper execution of private ritual is re-emerging across pagan belief systems because it is necessary.

And, as some in the Filianic community may hate to admit it, it is necessary in Filianism as well. The groundwork for this three tier structure was laid out early on. We can not expect one person to serve all three major functions. There simply is not enough time in the day. The Christian model of worship is based around a hierarchy of clergy that work together to fulfill all three functions. Filianism does not have that. Those who have attempted to take up the mantle of leadership and serve the higher functions of worship have stumbled and then vanished from the scene because of overload due to the fact that there is a lack of structure to support them in a model of worship that resembles Christianity.

Filianism is not Christianity. We should stop trying to force it to be like it and allow it to grow into what it was meant to be.

Taking a break from Edits to Visit With You!

 

I apologize, my dear Reader, for the lack of a transcript. This was very off the cuff. I give a quick update on how things have been over here. I talk a bit about how I am clergy and I can help you out if you need me. And I ask for your tricks to keep kids from photobombing videos.

Taking a break.

 Dear Reader,

Things are getting crunchy with the editing process. As such, I am taking a brief (1 week) break from blogging here so that I can get through edits. Aside from working on a new edition of the Clear Recital, I have another book that I am in the process of editing (from my fantasy series The Umbrel Chronicles of Evandar). It is my hope that spending this week focused on the Clear Recital, I can get it cleaned up and ready for beta readers by the end of the week. If you are interested in being one of my beta readers, please contact me. My email is cydira13(at)yahoo(dot)com. I have need of at least two beta readers. The window of time that I have open to reply to this request for beta readers is two weeks. Monday, October 19,2020, I will no longer be accepting offers to beta read. As a beta reader, you will get a .pdf of the raw version of the text. This will be yours to keep. Please do not distribute the .pdf you receive or publish it in part or whole. You will also be credited as part of the team working on this edition of the Clear Recital.

Line edits are driving me batty.

 Dear Reader,

I have the rough draft of the Clear Recital up on the editing block. I'm working to make the language easier to read and fix grammatical issues. It is slow going. There's a ton of comma splices and sentence fragments. I've been breaking things out of the prose that need to be put into different structure to make it easier to read (i.e. lists of attributes). I have mashed together all of the sources I could get my hands on and made a mess of the grammar in the process.

I'm almost finished with my second round of line edits. The first one was really rough and putting in sentence/verse numbers. I found mistakes in that and corrected them. The hardest section to work on wasn't the Holy Mythos, which I thought it would be. Nope, it was the Pillar of Light and the Heart of Water. It's a literal coin flip which one of those two texts was harder to edit.

Now, I'm not removing material from the wisdom texts. I'm changing phrasing and fixing things like run on sentences that last for over three lines. There's a lot of run on sentences. I am also updating some of the language because there are random bits with dated language that got carried over from the Aristasian version of the Clear Recital which I had to fix so it fit with the rest of the text.

There is two sections in the wisdom texts that I am adapting to reflect the modern social structures that we're living with. I have zero guilt about doing this because it is my understanding that the Clear Recital is a living document that must change and adapt with the changes and adaptations that happen for the community that references it. For example, there is very few households who can actually afford servants or staff of any sort. It's slow going, to be honest, because I have to make sure that the 'modernization' of the text is accurate. 

Note: If I see another sentence spliced together with a comma, I may just scream. There's just SO many.

Baby Steps: Continuing work on Sacred Texts

 Dear Reader,

I have just finished mashing together the three existent versions of the Clear Recital that I could get my hands on. I have completed my first round of line edits and I need a cup of tea. On one hand, it was fairly easy work because 98% of all three documents agreed with each other. That made me feel a bit redundant and silly as I was working. On the other hand, the language used in each of the texts was heavy and difficult to read in various different sections. 

So, I have been spending my time editing to make things easier to read, weeding out typos, and correcting some stylistic elements (that I hope were stylistic elements and not horrific grammar in a few cases) so that the entire text flows better. I will be taking the liberty of putting the Holy Mythos as its own 'book' and then the Teachings of the Daughter as its own 'book'. I am seriously debating removing the parables at the end of the Teachings of the Daughter and inserting them at the beginning.

On one hand, rearranging the order of the texts with out making major change to the content is a fairly minor process. Each person who has sat down to work on the Clear Recital has had to make decisions as to how to order the wisdom texts. The more I think about it, placing the parables closer to the beginning helps the work flow from the Holy Mythos more clearly into the Teachings of the Daughter. I know that one thing I am going to make sure I do is put the Sermon of the Apple Seed first. Probably then the parable of The Child followed by the Foolish Maiden. I know that the Crystal Tablet needs to be paired with the Pillar of Light to make sense.

I'm still working on this. I'm not sure when exactly I'll have this complete. I just finished my first line edits of the work as it stands right now. I haven't really reorganized anything yet in the wisdom texts. I'm still determining the most logical way they flow from one into the other.

Baby Steps: Cross referencing and copying the Sacred Texts.

 Dear Reader,

My original transcription project had a long term goal. It was to gather as much of the wisdom texts and related texts to Filianism and Déanism that I could get together and work on cross referencing them. Then copying the parts that were present in all sources in gender neutral language (which some of my research had shown that the Madrian community was beginning to move towards before they fell apart in the 80s).

Sifting out some of the false archaic language from one edition resulted in something that correlated with the other two texts that I have. Cleaning up the grammar in another edition made it easier to read and very similar to the third edition that I have. I've found myself leaning heavily upon the New Celestial Union Version and the Eastminster Critical Edition as I have been working. Just because all of the scholarship that went into those two books is astounding and each serves to help clarify the other. The Gospel of Our Mother God is more like a condensed version with vast chunks of really important information missing.

It's really frustrating because that was the first version of the Clear Recital that I had my hands on. I have some pretty strong emotional attachments to that version. At the same time, I want to be as complete and sensitive in my handling of the Clear Recital as the editors of the NCUV and the ECE were. I don't want to take away from the text. At the same time, I recognize that this edition I'm working on is going to be distinctly different because of the focus on gender neutral language and some apocphryal text that is based on things that were revealed to me. (The Elder Kin and the rise of the Dark Queen, to be specific.)

A part of me is really nervous about putting in the account of the Elder Kin and the rise of the Dark Queen. This is something that's been consistently left vague and been a point of major discussion across all branches of Filianism and Déanism. I fear that my contribution to the discussion will be a point of great contention and distress. I fear that my adapting the language of the Clear Recital to gender neutral is going to create a great deal of discord in the community. Even so, I can't shake the feeling that this is as much work that Déa wants me to do as the prayer books were. When I'm not working on this, I can't stop thinking about it and contemplating the passages that I were most recently working on transcribing. I have dreams where I kneel in a chapel of Déa, begging her for forgiveness in what I am doing here. In those dreams, I am surrounded by light and I am told "All shall be well."

I just have to trust my Queen and do as she has directed me.

Parallels.

 Dear Reader,

As I am working my way through transcribing the Clear Recital (again), I am struck by how many parallels it has with the wisdom that was passed on to me in my book of shadows. I sit here reading it and it is like having what I had written while in trance come back to haunt me. It makes me think that I should go through my multiple volumes of my book of shadows and share that stuff. The problem is .. well, I have multiple volumes to go through that are a completely disorganized mess.

I'm going to have to do it, at some point, just because I need to fix Drowning in Light because it is missing material and I'm really not happy with the format. It was literally what I could find out of the mess that is my BoS and could read legibly. Because somtimes I have sloppy handwriting. That, however, is a project for another day.

A Tale of the Elder Kin.

 Come, hear another tale of the first mortal children of Déa and the world that was. The time before beginnings, all was light and, some say, gold and silver. The time before beginnings was a happy time when all was delight. The children of the Mistress of All Things were content to be in her presence. Then came the Sundering. When the Snake had deceived the first daughter of Déa, a great abyss opened between the realm of the mortal children of Déa and the realms above to fair Avala and beyond. The cracks of the abyss went deep into the realm and wormed their way into the hearts of the spiritual forms of these children. The elder kin looked to Déa as they watched their younger, more delicate kin wander deeper into the abyss.

“Go and do good works among them,” Déa commanded, “Guard them and keep them from evil as best you may.” So, the elder kin went through the world that was torn and tattered with the dangerous abyss of khear, seeking out the many children of Déa. They found them gathered in groups about the world, huddled together for fear and grief for the distance of their Mother. The sliver of Déa's light shone upon them all. The younger kin were blinded by tears and were mostly unaware of it. The elder kin gathered their strength and approached the younger kin. The many hues of light of day and the sliver of Déa's light was reflected brightly by the elder kin. In the mirror of the elder kin, the younger kin could see something of their Mother in the distance and took hope. The elder kin wiped their tears and took them by the hand.

Together they walked over the rent world in tribes scattered for every hue of color. The true-selves of the younger kin were lulled to sleep in the safety of the elder kin's presence. So it was that the Snake saw a chance to beguile them. The Whisperer spoke and said, “Lo, I am the voice of your self. Listen well. The elder kin of your tribe are the true elder kin. All others are false and must be destroyed. All who follow them are false as well.” The elder kin set one of their number to keep watch over the Snake, so that they might warn their charges of the danger it brought. They, however, argued in their council for being in the tattered world, they were not immune to its distortion. Soon, the watcher of the Snake was confused with the Snake. This pleased the Snake and it delighted in the discord that had been sown within the tribes of the elder kin and the younger kin.

One of the tribes were lead by a great queen. She took it of mind to bend all the other tribes to their knees before her. She pitted her power against them but the might of the elder kin cast her down into the abyss. For one brief moment a hue of light was seen falling into the abyss and then utter darkness returned. With horror, the elder kin realized that one of their own had fallen from the ways they were set to. The queen, her court, and her servants found themselves among the realm of the Snake. “All honors and glory be upon you, oh queen,” the Snake said. The queen looked curiously at the Snake. “You have come into the lands that are yours by destiny. I have prepared them and opened the way for your coming.”

“So say you,” the queen said suspiciously, “What do you gain from my remaining here in this place of exile?”

“No,” answered the Snake, “This is not your place of exile but of glory. Come, embrace me and you shall have power over life itself. All places where this darkness abides, your cold hand shall reach.” The queen reached out a hand to the Snake and it slithered upon her shoulders. “I gain an ally and companion. You shall be my completion. I abide within the darkness. With the Sundering of the worlds, I too shattered in to fragments. Within each creature upon this world, I lay. Through me, you shall have power over them.” The queen recalled her desire to unify all of creation under her hand.

“I can not be in all these places, creature,” she said, “In my descent to this place of utter darkness and desolation, I have broken into pieces as have my court. We can no longer mirror the light of She who is Mistress of All Things, from whom our power derives.” The snake looked at the queen and thought. “Your power shall derive of this place and my own strength. Your shattered children and court shall be made whole. They shall gain the strength from you to roam the world over. No longer shall you be mere mirrors of light but whole beings in yourselves. You shall gain sway over the world by way of your army fashioned from your shards and that of your court. None, not even the Princess of the World may resist you if you take the power I offer you.”

The queen who had once been a mirror of Déa's light considered the Snake's offer. She laid a hand upon the Snake's head and said, “I shall not embrace you but you shall give me this power you promise. Though I am not whole, I still have the power to bend you to my will, Tempter.” The Snake, for the first time since time uncounted, felt fear as the queen drew from it the power that had flowed into it from the first mortal daughter. As she did so, the queen changed. She looked upon her court and her children. Broken limbs knitted themselves together. The lesser shards of her being took on forms of their own and became like phantoms upon the wind. The chamber wherein she stood had been in utter silence, save for her own voice and that of the Snake. Now it was filled with voices. Her eyes had become those of death and a terrible aspect came upon her. The Snake realized that the queen had greater power than it had presumed when she fell into the abyss and in taking from it, the queen had yet greater power still despite her diminished state.

The queen looked about her realm. “Go, build gates across the path I had fallen,” she commanded, “Let them be vast and strong.” Her servants sent to their work building fortifications for her realm. “Let none of the living tread my lands,” she said in a terrible voice, “Any soul that ventures here shall become my thrall. I shall gather to me all the souls of the living and keep them in bondage until the end of days, if my power lets me. The Mother of All Life has turned from me, so it is I shall turn from Her. The rebellion of my kin shall not be forgotten. If any of them falls into my hands, I shall keep them forever more and all the world will know desolation.”

Baby Steps: Reinterpreting the Sacred Texts

 Dear Reader,

Because the Clear Recital is a living document, there are different versions available for different sects of Filianism and Déanism. As I have been spending the last several months studying the available texts, I came to the realization that it was acceptable to develop another version of the Clear Recitial that illuminates the roles of spirits and other higher beings in service (and relationship) to Déa. It was a nerve wracking thought to reinterpret the holy scriptures. But then I realized that I would be doing a disservice if I did not contribute to the body of literature that is the Clear Recital with the knowledge that Déa has revealed to me directly and through others.

I'm currently working on the sacred mythos. It is my humble attempt to make the narrative easier to follow and illuminate the darkness that Our Lady passed through to reach her goal. The most upsetting part was writing the confrontation between Our Lady and the Dark Queen's daughters. I'm tempted to just give up working on this for the day because of how saddening it was. I know that the coming chapter of the mythos is a light of hope. So, I will continue my efforts. 

I anticipate minor changes to the wisdom texts. This is because in my readings, it seems that the Lux Madrian community was moving towards an all inclusive gender reading of these texts. I will still use the term 'maid' as they did, a subsitute for all of humankind. But I will be noting this at the forward of that section rather than at the conclusion as others have in their interpretations of the texts.

It is not my intent to take away from the Clear Recital. It is my intent to help polish the mirror we have been given by Déa in this text so that it may more fully reflect her light. My research in earnest over the last month has sown in my heart a deep affection Madrian community. As I compare the ECE and the NCUV, I find gems in them that go back to that community which lifts my heart and tells me that I am on the correct path.

The version of the Clear Recital that I am working on is but a wave that reflects and is filled with the light of Déa. All the works of wisdom of all the religions are like yet more waves that do the same, some with greater success than others. It is my hope that the Truth that is the ocean these waves populate will shine through in my writing.

Mabon: Harvest Home

 Dear Reader,

Today is the Wiccan high holiday of Mabon. It is the feast of Harvest Home and the second harvest celebration of the year. Mabon is a joyful time where the abundant fruits of the harvest are shared and we take time to reflect on what joys we are harvesting in our lives. It is also the Autumnal Equinox and considered the time to reflect and begin to take stock of what you need to prepare for winter.

Some households, like mine, will do "autumn cleaning" and make a point of putting away all of the summer goods before the weather turns truly questionable as it does later in the season. While some years we have the good fortune of feeling a bit of summer's warmth still during this time, it is wise to prepare for the lean times of winter that will be soon upon us. 

If a coven hasn't celebrated the sacrifice of the Grain Lord at Lammas (which falls around August 1st), it is typically observed at Mabon. Bread figures heavily in celebrations as does wine. (This should not be mistaken for the bread and wine of Christian communion, though there are some superficial commonalities.) A ritual may be practiced where one casts into a bonfire a piece of bread representing some element of themselves that they are giving away to the gods, usually with a petition for growth in an area of corresponding weakness (i.e. I cast into the fire a bit of bread representing my social insecurities and ask the gods to grant me growth in personal confidence.).

At Mabon, we prepare to enter the 'dark' half of the year. Some of this manifests as magical work. Some of this manifests in practical things like preparing the household for winter storms and (if your skilled and fortunate enough) processing the fruits of your garden (or local farmer's markets) so that you will have that fresh goodness in the dead of winter. It is one last great party that celebrates abundance before it is time to kunckle down for the challenge of winter.

Cuivanya: The Feast of Divine Life

 Dear Reader,

Cuivanya is the Feast of Divine Life within the Filianic and Déanic religion. It falls on the same day as Mabon, generally the same date as the Autumnal equinox. This is the second harvest festival of the year. Where Chelanya is known as the Golden Festival or the Feast of Regeneration, the focus of this harvest festival is different. Chelanya falls near the first of August which is when (in the northern hemisphere) is when the grain is being taken in for harvest. Chelanya celebrates the regeneration of life from the resurrection of the Daughter at Eastre. Grain is the primary symbol of this holy day. It is a spiritual memory of the primordial era when all things were in harmony and bounty was plentiful.

Cuivanya is the Feast of Divine Life and can be celebrated recognizing the entire life cycle story of the Daughter, it is more common to focus upon the Dark Mother as the Ground of All Being and the source of all fruitfulness. In the cosmology of Filianism and Déanism, the Bright Mother (Marya) eminates from the Dark Mother (Deam Mysterium) even as the Daughter (Anna) eminates from the Bright Mother. While they are three, they are in mystical union as one. The Dark Mother does not get as much attention as the Bright Mother or the Daughter. This is because she is the most mysterious of the three and quite literally beyond our comprehension.

Chelanya could be considered a festival of the Dark Mother as well in her action as the First Cause of existence and the Final Completion of its Dissolution. The cycle of the Ages is described as the breathing of the Dark Mother. She exhales existance into being and inhales all things back to their singular point of origin. (I would like to note that this theological argument aligns with several theories regarding the 'big bang' and how our universe came into being, but I digress.) The Dark Mother is the Queen of Mysteries.  She is the one who stands beyond and above the Bright Mother, known as the light which blinds and the darkness that illuminates. The Dark Mother is the root of all being, thus she is known as the Ground of All Being in direct reference to a Filianic scriptural reading.

Let her trust not the ground her feet are set upon and doubt the Ground upon which that ground stands. Let her rather doubt the sea, the sky, the fingers of her hand and the breath of her mouth; for all these things may be illusion, as in some sense they are. - Gospel of Our Mother God, pg. 108, paragraph 2. 

That "Ground" is the Dark Mother who holds all of existence in her hand. The passage above cautions the faithful to doubt all but Déa and place wholly their trust into her. The Feast of Divine Life is a celebration of the Dark Mother and the Bright Mother as the source of Life. The Feast of Regeneration was a celebration of the Daughter and the Bright Mother as the source of renewal of Life. In many ways, this is a reversal of the Eastre mysteries. One enters the Eastre mysteries at Lucaid with the Daughter moving into mortal life as she takes on her fate. Then she dies at Kala and hangs upon the world pillar at Hiatus. After this, she is resurrected and renewed at Eastre. The final festival of the Mysteries of Life comes at Tamala, where we celebrate the union of the soul and the collective body of the faithful including the living and dead. Tamala is a reminder of our mortality and the promise of union with Déa after our time within this world. But, I'll talk more about that at Tamala.

Godspousery Notes: Time to Rest Is Ok.

 Dear Reader,

I've been struggling with guilt over the fact that I have low energy right now. Freyr made a point of telling me that it's ok to rest when you're feeling tired. He reminded me that I was not obligated to spend every waking moment 'working' on something. It's a virtue trap that I fall into on a pretty regular basis. I feel like I must be working on something to prove that I am a good and productive person. Freyr reminded me that my productivity does not determine my value. 

It's hard to keep that sort of thing in mind with the over-culture's attitude that productivity is moral good. There's subtle messages all over the place that tells us that we must be productive some how. They tell us that we're not allowed hobbies for the sake of the joy of them, we must turn them into some form of money making scheme for them to have "real value". The "grind" culture is slowly breaking us. We are not machines. We can not push forward all the time. Somtimes we just have to stop and rest.

♥

The Realm of Midgard.

 Dear Reader,

If we step away from Platonic cosmology, which is the biggest influence upon orthodox Filianism and Déanism, and consider the Norse/Germanic cosmology one can find there is actually a fair amount of overlap between the two. Midgard, in my opinion, is not solely Earth. It is the universe inwhich we exist. When the old tales of Midagard were told, all that we knew was of Earth. Now, our knowledge has expanded and, as a living faith practice, Heathenry and other faiths that adhere to the Norse/Germanic cosmology must adapt to this growth. Failure to do so results in stagnation which only hastens the period of instability that comes before renewal (famously known as Ragnarok).

One may argue that Earth is at the heart of Migard. It may not be the exact center of Midgard but it is where humanity abides and the gods have walked among us. If we take this cosmological view, we are left wondering what of the other nine worlds? We are left wondering where is the World-tree? We must step away from the literal reading of the old stories and consider them as allegorical ones to begin to find answers to these questions.

Midgard is situated somewhere along the center of the World-tree where it runs through the world as an axis. It is a spiritual construct that leads us out to the other worlds upon the tree. The sources that speak of where these worlds are situated upon the World-tree do not clearly state what their relation and orientation are in comparison to Midgard. Asgard is generally understood to be above Midgard and is linked to it by way of the Bifrost (the Rainbow Bridge). The realms of the dead in Helheim and Nifhel are understood to be below Midgard and to the cosmic north, for they are considered by many to be cold and beneath the Earth's surface. Muspelheim is considered to be in the cosmic south  for the icy realms where Yimir and Burri were born are thought to be opposite of them and a gap lays between them. The World tree bridges this gap and has roots that go down into the wells of flowing waters that come from the icy realms that are melted by the heat of Muspelheim.

Between Midgard and Helheim is believed to be Svartalfheim, the realm of the dwarves who live within the earth producing treasures and guarding great wealth within the earth itself. This places the dwarves as part of Midgard, much like the wights who are guardians of places of great holiness and power. Alfheim is considered to be above Midgard by some or considered to be to the east of Midgard by others. It is the realm of the alfar, more commonly known in the modern era as the elves. They are intimately tied with places within Midgard as well, which leads one to conclude that Alfheim is part of Migard in its own way.

How, then, can Midgard over lap with these two realms, if not three (if one considers Helheim as the lowest part one can reach traveling through Midgard). This is where there is overlap with Plato. Alfheim, Svartalfheim, and Helheim are all sublunar realms. The nine worlds, indeed, could be considered sublunar realms nested about and within Midgard. Asgard being the highest and closest to the planetary realms and Helheim considered being the lowest and hidden within Midgard. This nested set of spheres of realms brings the cosmology of Norse/Germanic ancient thought into alignment with the cosmology of Filianism. 

Because the ancient sources are unclear and tainted by the influence of hundreds of years of Christanization before being recorded, we are left to either attempt to rebuild the past (reconstructionism) or revive the essence of the past (revivalism). My education and experiences lean towards the revivalist approach towards Heathenry. I recognize that the world has changed and moved on from what my great ancestors of the Heathen variety would have recognized. Like them, however, I recognize that there are more gods than those of Heathenry and I seek to build a cosmological tale that reconciles the differences as neatly as possible.

The cosmology of Midgard is lost to the mists of time. What we have are but fragments that are colored by the lense of the ones recording the stories. I can not take the Prose Edda or the Poetic Edda as the 'word of god' because they are so far removed from their original sources. For some, this will make me a controversial figure. I already have been the subject of some discussion with my inclusion of Filianism into my worship practices and with my relationships with Loki and Freyr. I'm prepared for others to cast doubt upon my arguments or simply reject them.

It does not change that truth which has been revealed to me by Freyr. It does not change my faith. Let them question and challenge me. I welcome it. An open and free exchange of ideas is how we grow. May our discussions be frithful and prosperous for all.

Is it Athamë to fight injustice?

 Dear Reader,

This is something I've been giving a lot of thought to as I have been reading the Clear Recital. The more I think about it, the more certian I am that we are called to do good deeds and that right action is thamelic. When faced with injustice, we have the option to look away, to observe it with out action, and to take action (in support or in opposition to the injustice happening). It is my opinion that if one simply observes or chooses to look away when injustice is happening before them, they are morally complicit in it. Now, there are circumstances where one is unable to act and are compelled by situation to either observe or look away. Compelled abstinance of action in the face of injustice is not the same as the deliberate choice not to act against it.

If one were to see a person being beaten in the street, one may choose to look away, watch the beating, or attempt to intervene. If they haven't the capacity to intervene, they are not morally complicit in the abuse the person is suffering. If the observer has the ability to distract the assailiant in some fashion (shouting at them, for example), they are acting for moral good in attempting to help the victim in what limited fashion they can manage. If the observer lacks the capacity to distract the assailiant, they are not morally complicit in the abuse. If they choose to look away and do nothing about the assault happening before them, they are morally complicit. If they choose to watch and do nothing, they are morally complicit.

The Clear Recital speaks of tyrants and how we should not partake of their company. We have reached a point where it is all but impossible to avoid those the Clear Recital describes as tyrants. Now is the time to call upon Sai Vikhë to guide us to resist the evil they engage in. I am firmly of the mind that Déa helps the person who works to restore thamë and to resist injustice. We are moral beings and shall be judged by Déa on what good we have done in this world. As such, we should work to do the greatest good we might be able to do in what time we have. This includes working for social reform, working for justice, and working to care for other people around us.

Some may argue that we are in the Age of Iron and that Sai Vikhë is the prominant janya of this age. If one accepts this argument, then Sai Vikhë is clearly the janya to appeal to for strength and courage to resist the oppressors. One could also argue that appealing to Déa as the protectoress of all worlds from evil is wise. We must not, however, sit this out. We have a duty as Déa's children to protect each other from harm. We are called to honor the light of Déa where it can be seen in this world. The protection of they who are in harm's way is clearly honoring the light of Déa in them.

Approaching the Divine from Trauma

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 Dear Reader,

I was raised in a severely abusive household. It has had lasting effects on my relationships with other and myself. It has especially impacted my relationships with the Divine. Deity as a benevolent parental figure is completely alien to me. The idea that I have value to the gods, that I have value at all is one that I struggle to grasp.

Some may say that the best way to approach this problem is with lots of prayer. The difficulty with this solution is that it requires approaching the Divine and opening yourself up to them. It can be a terrifying experience to be that vulnerable with a figure who has taken the place of your abusers. A part of you expects the abuse to continue on another level and the shifting, unpredictable demands that were part of the abuse cycle will return to your life if you open yourself to this figure. This is not because you are afraid of the Divine but of the past abuse and interacting with a figure that resembles in even a cursory fashion the abuser evokes terror.

Beginning the path of relationship with the Divine as a parental figure was at first a purely abstract exercise. I was not allowing myself to fully engage Déa as Mother. It has taken years for me to begin to emotionally engage Déa as Mother, not as the Great Queen whom I serve. Right now, it's painful. Recent events in my personal life has brought up a lot of trauma memories and old fears from when I lived in my parents house. The scriptures tell me to turn to Déa as my true Mother and to seek comfort in her. I struggle with this because I fear that she will be angered with me for my flaws and human weaknesses just as my birth mother was on a regular basis.

According to theory, I can offer up this fear to her. I can lay my burden at her feet. I am terrified to do so because I was so convinced in my upbringing that my burden is mine alone to carry and to lay it aside is morally wrong. I pray the rosary and pray for forgiveness. It is a small, terrified prayer of a child who is sure they're going to be punished for something that they did, despite not doing anything wrong. I find myself moved to weep but I force myself to remain stoic because I do not want to be weak in my service to the Great Queen. Then I remember the scripture readings about the power of tears. Afterwhich I cycle back to fear that my tears will repulse the Mother and lead to my rejection.

Still, I try to force myself to move past my fears. I try to remember that I am more than a mere creature, that I truly am human and worthy of love. (This is an on going difficulty in many relationships, including the godspousery ones.) Right now, the best I can manage is to admit that I am struggling and hope that Déa will be more merciful than the woman who raised me.