Hel, Queen of the Dead.

 Dear Reader,

The following is my unverified personal gnosis. The previous post regarding demons vs. khear was based upon experience and discussions with others regarding their experiences with demons. This post picks up a thread from the previous post regading the difference between Hel, the Norse Queen of the Dead, and the Dark Queen of Filianism. This is going to be a bit of a weird post for orthodox Heathens and Filiyani. Disregard it if it makes you uneasy, this is based in my experience and your milage may vary.

Hel is the daughter of Loki and Angrboda. She is half alive and half dead. When the Aesir learned of the prophecy of Ragnarok, they took the children of Loki and Angrboda. The wolf-child Fenris was bound. Jorgmundr, the sea-serpent, was cast into the oceans. And Hel was sent down into the realm of Helheim to rule over the dead. There's a lot of complex things about that myth but it is beyond the scope of this post to get into it. (I have an unorthodox position on this myth as well.)

Helheim is an Underworld realm. To get there, one must follow a road that crosses over a river that roars with the noise of battle upon a bridge gaurded by the giantess Modgud. After crossing the bridge, one comes to a walled place where there is a gate and a bloody hound named Garm that guards it. To get to this place, one must travel down and to the North upon the Road to Hel. Helheim is located beneath one of the roots of the World-Tree and is mentioned as being one of the Nine Worlds held by that tree. Some say that Nifhel is before Helheim as others say that Nifhel is below it.

There are many Underworld realms. Each mythos has one and it is generally the abode of at least some of the dead. Now, let me step away from discussing the different places of the Underworld for a moment. The Dark Queen is located at the lowest level of the Filianic Underworld. She is a malevolent being towards the living and seeks to hold all souls hostage from Déa. While some sources paint Hel as such a being, the mythos of Hel shows her as a generous hostess to all who enter her realm. In the story of the death of Baldur, she gives Heimdall a way that Baldur might be resurrected and reclaimed from her hall. The Dark Queen would do no such thing. Given that there are sources that speak of reincarnation within the Norse mythos and in modern Heathenry, it would be reasonable to believe that Hel is not the greedy Queen of Death who refuses to let the souls that come to her leave. 

Hel is, perhaps, more accurately described as a stern ruler of her lands but a welcoming hostess to all souls that come and abide with her until it is time for them to reincarnate. This is the position that I personally hold. Now, this is where things get weird and intersect with Filianism.

When Hel is cast into Helheim, she is trapped for a time in the realm of the Dark Queen. Then Anna makes her voyage into the realm of the Dark Queen. Hel is powerless to help Anna upon her voyage because the Dark Queen holds sway over all the lands of the Underworld. When Marya comes to rescue Anna, Hel is witness to the rescue and resurrection of Anna. Hel is also witness to the flight of the Dark Queen and her court. After Marya returns to the Celestial realm but before Anna returns to the upper world, Anna puts Hel in charge of one of the realms of the dead. Hel has a fence built to keep out the Dark Queen's forces and puts forth a watch-maid and a guardian at the gate to keep an eye out for the Dark Queen's return. 

With Ragnarok / the inbreathing of the all of creation by the Dark Mother, Hel returns to her potential existence state prior to her birth as does all of Déa's children (and their descendants, whom are also her children). Then the cycle begins again. 

Hel is not the Dark Queen or a servant of the Dark Queen. She is but the ruler of one of the Underworld realms of death who guards the dead from the Dark Queen's mischief so that they might reincarnate and eventually leave the cycle of reincarnation and go to Avala. As Hel is tied to a level of manifestation, she will return to the Dark Mother at the end of Ages. Because she is a child of Déa that bears a measure of her divinity within her, she is not subject to mortality in the same fashion as we the living. And for the matter of khear, Helheim is not low enough in the Underworld to be fully consumed by the taint of it. Thus, Helheim is a place of rest for souls between incarnation. Nifhel, on the other hand, would be quite close to the abyss of khear and, as such, is a place of torment and suffering.

Is it demons or khear?

 Dear Reader,

Within the spiritual architecture of the cosmos of Filianism and Déanism, there are malevolent forces known as demons and then there is khear, which is a natural tendency towards athamë. When we are faced with a situation where we're drawn away from the thamelic path, it is at times hard to tell if it is a spiritual attack or if it is the pull of khear. While there is overlap between demons and khear, the two are fundamentally different from what I have observed.

Khear is a form of miasma. It is spiritual contagion that we can pick up as we engage in athamelic acts. It is present because the incarnated world is fundamentally flawed in ways that we can not overcome. Khear is not good, though it may seem to be so because of the illusions of the world. It is that which weakens us despite our resolve to live in Déa and walk a thamelic path. Khear has no consciousness, though. It is spiritual ick that we acquire moving through a world that has its taint upon it. 

Demons, on the other hand, have consciousness and will. They are malevolent and live within the abyss of khear. They are the servants of the Dark Queen whose realm is absolute death. (This Dark Queen is not the same as Hel, the Norse Queen of the Dead. I'll post about those differences later.) Demons seek to take the bright souls of the children of Déa and load them down with khear so that it is harder for them to walk a thamelic path. Demons seek to take the children of Déa and guide them upon false paths so that they wind up farther from Her. The greater our distance from Déa, the more suceptable we are to the influence of demons and the more we must struggle with khear.

What is the ultimate goal of the demons? It is to gather as many souls for their Queen to hold captive. The Dark Queen is greedy and seeks to gather as many souls to her as possible. She desires to hold them in thralldom. The Dark Queen is cruel and rejoices in the suffering of the world. She sends her servants out into the world to draw the souls to her through trickery and temptation. The Dark Queen is the mistress of the abyss that is the distance between Déa and her children. The more she can draw into the abyss, the greater suffering she can cause to her ultimate target, Déa herself.

Now khear does also speak of the abyss between Déa and her children. This is the greater meaning of khear. This is khear as a proper name of that abyss. The abyss is devoid of light, which is a sign of Déa's presence. It is devoid of warmth or joy. It is a place of nothingness. As one falls into it, they suffer through different agonies. These are spoken of as the swords of sorrow that periced Our Lady's heart as she moved through the Dark Queen's realm. The discussion of the architecture of the Underworld, however, must be handled in its own post because it is more complex than it seems. The abyss of khear lies at the heart of the Underworld, at its deepest level.

The question arises, how can one tell if they are being assailed by a demon or suffering the effects of khear accumulation? A demon's assault comes with strange turns in luck, greater misfortune for no apparent reason, and repetitive perseveration on things that are athamë, despite one's efforts to put those thoughts aside. A demon may manifest in dreams as a beautiful being speaking of the rewards of athamë or they may manifest as a terrifying creature threatening horrible suffering if one does not engage in the athamelic acts. Persons who are suffring demonic assault are prone to nightmares featuring their tormentor. They may also suffer sleep paralysis accompanied by spectral visions.

Khear accumulation manifests in increased difficulties engaging in thamelic pursuits. It brings with it a sense of fatigue and despair. Ill luck can come with a high accumulation of khear but it falls into a persistent pattern of difficulty with connecting with Déa. Khear accumulation will manifest as nightmares and perseveration on one's distance from Déa. It can be over come to a limited extent with perseverance, though the effort will bring great fatigue. Right action and careful examination of the thought-forms one interacts with can help identify where the khear has the greatest accumulation in their life.

Rituals of purification and penance can help release acquired khear. A more effective way to release acquired khear is to place oneself in the hands of Our Lady and petition her for aid. Praying the rosary helps to release khear and bring one the blessings of Our Lady. Praying to the janyati for aid during times of difficulty can also help release khear.

Hearing things: The difference between psychosis & psychic experience

 Dear Readers,

I have Bipolar II with Psychotic Features. I am also strongly psychically inclined. Hearing things comes with the territory but it's important to recognize when it is a bad thing that you're hearing things if you're psychically inclined. The first key to this is the ability to recognize your own thoughts as they flit about your consciousness. Self-awareness that is very high is more than being aware of your thoughts and the effects of your actions (as many would tout it to be). High self-awareness means you recognize the sensations that go with your mental states, you recognize your internal monologue, and you are aware of when you are projecting your internal state outward (which is usually an indicator that you need to work on processing whatever you are projecting outward and integrating it into your experiences).

Meditation is an excellent process for achieving this level of awareness. While there are a lot of different schools of meditation out there and boatloads of techniques that you can use, the one that I find is most effective is entering a meditative state and actively writing down what is going through my head. After a while, you begin to see patterns emerge in your thought processes according to your mood state, stress levels, and environment. These patterns are your internal architecture of your psyche. 

In general, the sensations of my thoughts are as though they are inside me. I am a person who thinks in words, images, and sound. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Nothing is quite like having a song stuck in your head on loop for an hour when you want to focus on something else. Psychic experiences like visions and hearing spirits are, for me, a feeling of an unfamiliar thought-form inside my head. It feels as though it is someone else's 'voice' in my head instead of my own internal monologue. I can not anticipate what that 'voice' is going to present next, unlike with my own internal monologue. The pattern is unfamiliar and being revealed as it is presented. Psychic experiences are bewildering at times but they do not hold the terror of psychosis.

Psychosis presents as a disruption of one's thought processes and one finds themselves operating under conditions where their mental state is clearly changed from what it's normal baseline is. Hallucinations and disrupted thought patterns are typically the hallmarks of this condition. Delusional thinking is disconnected from reality. Psychic experiences are connected with reality. Hallucinations are perhaps among the most terrifying, in my opinion, elements of psychosis. Because I reality test my experiences on a regular basis due to the fact that I grew up in a household where I was gaslit on a regular basis, this coping mechanism/habit makes me aware when I am entering a psychotic state. My hallucinations are primarily auditory. They seem to sound like someone speaking to me from approximately one foot behind me to the right. They also have the sensation that it is actual auditory input, not that it is thoughts. 

Reality testing is a very good habit to be in when you are engaged in psychic work. I verify what my psychic experiences are telling me through getting confirmation from others who are a neutral third party. I consider the legitimacy of my experience and if it bears any resemblance to what I have experienced in a psychotic state. Most of all, I examine if it fits with what I know to be true and factual/real about the situation. On my really bad days, I drop a pencil or something just to make sure that my brain is functioning properly. Fortunately, those days are few because I have a great psychiatrist who has me on a good medication regimen that has kept me from having a psychotic issue in the last several years. (My psychotic issues come up when I am suicidal due to depression. I don't recommend it to anyone.)

Most people are not quite as deeply self-aware or as regularly prone to testing their experiences because they didn't have people in their formative years actively trying to destroy their psyche. As a result, the experience of psychic visions can be terrifying when they happen and lead them to wondering if they're experiencing psychosis. For most people, psychic visions are limited to the sense that they have seen something before or prophetic dreams. It takes a good deal of effort to build the personal awareness that lets you identify when psychic information is hitting your brain. This form of direct psychic experience is difficult to master. That is why many psychics use tools like tarot cards, runes, and crystals (to name a few, the list is really long).

Using tools to confirm what your psychic experience has shown you is a form of reality testing. This is something I highly recommend. Free sites like Facade means you can get confirmation on your psychic experience from a completely impartial source. One might thing that a randomly generated computer tarot reading is not the most reliable of sources of confirmation on psychic experiences. It is, however, startlingly effective. I have been using Facade now since the late 90s and have yet to get a result that wasn't relevant.

Story time: Thor and Loki go wandering in Midgard.

Dear Reader,

The story I tell you happened not so long ago that it qualifies as ancient history but it might as well be. One day, an expectant mother was feeling restless and decided to go for a walk. The skies were clear and the weather was fine. It was remarkably mild for a late summer afternoon. She put on her sandals and set out from her front door step, blinking at the light from the sun. She looked east. It was a gentle slope down the hill to the bustling market. It would have been a short walk to the market. 

The mother, however, didn't feel like enduring the company of nosy neighbors and the busy-bodies that were at the market at that time of day. So, she turned and started to walk west. After a time, she came to an intersection. A road lead north. The mother remembered that this road connected with another not far from her home and decided to follow it, not entirely sure if she was correct about how close she was to the cross street that would lead her back home.

The sun climbed higher in the sky as she walked and she could see dark clouds piling up in the west. She had walked almost a mile down the dirt road and not yet met her cross street. Concerned that she was going to be caught in the storm, she called out, "Ah, Gods, I am tired. I was foolish." A cloud of dust appeared ahead of her on the road out of a shimmering bit of air. A battered old pick-up truck came into view, blue as the sunny sky, except for the red rust that stood out in patches over it.

The driver of the truck stopped beside the mother. He smiled kindly at her, waiving his great paw of a hand at her to come over. His lean companion sat forward and asked the mother if she was lost. She explained that she had set out for a walk and gone too far. The driver's companion moved over to the center seat of the old truck and helped the mother in. The pair spoke about the storm brewing and how the crops were in dire need of rain. The mother agreed with them. After a few moments, they dropped her off at the market. As the driver tipped his hat to her before pulling away, his companion said, "I told you this was better than a pair of goats."

The mother walked back up the hill to her little home and went inside. She marveled at the situation. She said, "Dear Thor, did that really happen? Did I hear that right?" And a massive peal of thunder shook the building, somehow sounding like the great booming of laughter as rain began to fall outside.

Sai Vikhë - A Janya of Paradox

Dear Reader,

I present an argument that Sai Vikhë is one of the janyati that can be associated with paradoxes. Sai Vikhë is known as the janya of discord and strife in her 'shadow' aspect. At the same time, she is known as the defender of Déa's children against the forces of the Dark Queen, the patroness of healers (especially surgeons), and the janya of vitality. She is associated with the classical element of fire. Sai Vikhë has a lot of parallels with Loki. It may be one of the reasons why I am fond of her.

Sai Vikhë is a complex janya. She is also a stern janya and associated with the Age of Iron, the period of lowest descent from complete harmony with Déa's music. During the Age of Iron, conflict is more wide spread and discord is prevalent. It would seem that this period that is ruled by this janya is a time where there is complete separation from the harmony of Déa's will and her song. This perception can lead one to despair. It is good to remember that Sai Vikhë is part of Déa and a bearer of the Bright Mother's light. As such, she can (and does) lead us back to Déa.

Sai Vikhë may be the janya of strife, but there is more than one form of striving. She may be the janya of warfare, but there is more than one form of warfare. Sai Vikhë is a janya of paradox. She brings discord but that discord ultimately leads to harmony. Some may be so bold to say that Sai Vikhë is the janya who is the guardian of the victory of good health as our bodies wage internal war against illnesses. She is the heat of the fever that burns away the sickness within us even as it endangers us.

Though Sai Vikhë may seem to frown upon the whole of creation when she comes bearing her sword and spear, her presence is not a punishment upon creation. She comes to drive away the servants of the Dark Queen and lead us to victory in our struggle against our false selves. She comes to anneal our spirits so that we might be purified and strengthened through our trials and tribulations. Let us remember, when troubles come, she is always willing to let us hide behind her shield-wall as she engages the ones who seek to do us evil.

Blessed is Sai Vikhë and holy is her name, for she is a face of Déa.

A few Sigils for the Filianic community

The first sigil is the one I developed this week. It is a crescent moon superimposed over a partial star. Above the apex point of the partial star is a crown. About the sign are seven stars. This sigil is: I am defended by the Queen of Heaven.  Note, the partial star is a sigil for Anna, the Queen of Heaven, as you can find the letters of her Name within it.

This second sigil I developed a few months ago. I honestly can't remember if I posted it or not. It is a heart with a protection sigil within it. Over the heart is a stylized flame. About the heart are seven arrows pointed outwards. This sigil means: I am defended by the sacred heart of Sai Vikhë.

Chelanya: First Harvest

Dear Reader,

I'm a few days late with this post. It figures that on the holy day of Chelanya, the Golden Harvest Festival, I was busy with household work. It was too hot to bake bread. I really wanted to but when it was over 80 deg. F. in my kitchen before I turned on the oven, there's no way you can convince me to bake bread. I'd probably faint from the heat and humidity that day if I had decided to do something so silly. Instead, I made my boys vanilla french toast for dinner as a treat and read them their favorite story at bed time (which is a switch from the usual routine because Beloved was out of the house attending his monthly gaming session).

I've always felt that Lammas was a 'working' holiday. A day made holy by work. They've taken in the first harvest of wheat. Some of that harvest got pelted pretty bad when some harsh weather had come through a few weeks back and I wasn't sure how well it'd go. But, the folks around seem to have bounced back pretty well from what's been a rough growing season this year with strange weather. The hay making has been going well. Corn is due to be brought in soon. It's tasseled out and just about right. I don't think the next town over will be holding their annual corn festival. All of the festivals have been cancelled due to Covid-19. 

Chelanya is a good time to count your blessings and recognize that Déa gives bountifully the gifts of the spirit to the world. I was working to keep that mindset but it was hard. Little things kept going wrong over the weekend. Then a big thing went wrong the day after. I tripped over some toys and fell hard. It was but only by the grace of the High Ones that I didn't land on my spinning wheel and net myself a trip to the hospital by way of injury. But I hurt my back pretty good. I think I landed on a matchbox car, the bruise is about the right shape for it.

Then after spending an afternoon checking up on / visiting Beloved's parents, we got home and thought it was going to be a typical quiet evening. That strange bit of minor misfortune however continued to swirl about. Beloved wound up going out to help our niece with some car trouble. I had the misfortune of having my plant stand on the back deck get blown over. There's broken pottery over about half of the deck. Strange luck had the pot that I inherited from my late paternal-grandmother land in a pot overgrown with weeds and the pot that I first bought to grow plants in land just right so that it wasn't even chipped and nary a petal on either geranium plant were disturbed. The pot with my fuchsia just had part of the lip broken off, landing right beside my outdoor shrine to Déa (which was thankfully undisturbed).

It has been an odd and exasperating last few days. I look around and wonder what I am harvesting. I no longer remember what seeds I have sown and feel as though Covid-19 cast me to the wind. Everything is in tumult in ways that haven't been before. Emotionally, it is difficult to weather the isolation that has been forced upon my family by the situation. As we look forward to the potential of school opening in September, I am filled with dread instead of anticipation. I can only lay my burdens of grief, fear, and uncertainty into the hands of the High Ones. So, I pray and hope for better days ahead.