Godspousery Notes: Just Keep Swimming

Dear Reader,

I was going to post this yesterday but yesterday was as chaotic and busy as the other days last week. Having spent my day running in circles and working very hard to be social despite the heat wave making me want to be a refrigerator based hermit, I just didn't have the energy to post. The recurrent theme over the last several weeks is "Don't give up just because it is hard." It's shown up in tarot readings, fortune cookies, and Loki singing 'Just keep swimming' ala Finding Nemo. (Which is an adorable animated film that I really should watch again, I'm sure the kids will love it.)

It has been very difficult not to fall into despair over things like my ongoing struggle with writer's block, the continuing calamity going on in my country with the manufactured 'border crisis', or the fact that my chronic illnesses are not going to go away no matter how healthy I eat or how much 'good' stuff I do (i.e. exercise, yoga, or meditation). I suppose one could say that I am suffering with temptation right now. Most of the time, people think temptations are things like forbidden food and pleasures. But, right this moment, the biggest temptations that I am facing are to just give up on my dreams and resign myself to remaining insignificant in the eyes of the people around me.

I recognize that this is depression speaking. I recognize that this is my illness, not myself. At the same time, I am in a battle with myself here. My most cunning opponent who is as slippery as a greased eel happens to be 'scumbag brain'. The only means I have to 'win' against this opponent is to refuse to give up. I feel horrible and like I am letting you all down. Loki has strong opinions on this. 900000% of these opinions are that this emotional argument is bullshit. Logical and healthy brain recognizes that this is correct but the horrible feelings are still there. It's challenging to hold space for those feelings.

I tell myself, let myself imitate my gods in enduring this. Odin hung upon the world-tree for nine days and nine nights in agony. I am sure that he suffered thirst, hunger, and no small amount of anguish that he could have ended at any time by coming down from the world-tree, but he didn't. And Lady Anna, Queen of Heaven, suffered the temptations written in the Clear Recital if not more. She could have chosen to do away with them and yet she did not and she endured them. I know that there are countless other stories of suffering endured in the holy writ of all the world's faiths. In all of those stories, bravely carrying through the suffering brings its own reward, relief. So, I live in hope of relief of my present suffering and keep my gaze upon the Holy Ones as I slog forward.