9th day of Moura: Why is everybody on Tumblr cursing right now?

Dear Reader,

Prayer square 1

My brain is still having some difficult with executive function due to stuff like emotional flashbacks. It didn't help that I had the joy of an ovarian cyst bursting this morning and I had to lay down for a while because it hurt to sit upright let alone stand. (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome can go die in a fire.) I was finally up and doing stuff about three hours behind my rather lax schedule. I fixed my look for the day (because my hair was sticking out like I put my finger in a light socket) and brewed some coffee. As I did so, I put the finishing touches on a prayer square that I made last night. I made two of them. They're both white for Dea in all her aspects. They both have a charm for the Daughter aspect of Dea. And one of them has an eye bead on it to repel ill luck. Yesterday I also finished the shawl I started the day after Yule ended. Well, shawlette because I didn't have enough yarn in the whole ball to make a full sized shawl out of it.

Prayer square 2, w/ eye bead

 So, this morning/early afternoon, I sat down with my cup of coffee and reviewed what was up on Tumblr. Cue my being very confused (and mildly concerned) that there is a laundry list of curses that have been posted and trending. I posted my bit about curses can turn back on you, if you think you have been cursed you should break it, and that blood used in a curse need not be your own (and I gave ethical alternate sources). But, seriously, Tumblr, are you ok? Did somebody hurt the collective somehow last night when I wasn't looking?

Right now, I'm torn between writing and going and scrubbing the bathroom. The trick is, if I do one I am not going to have time to get the other done. Because the kids are going to be home from school in about an hour. I'm trying to apportion my spoons wisely but I am just ... Well, I'm not in a great place mentally right now and that makes executive function get wonky. When executive function gets a little haywire, deciding what is the priority project gets hard. I don't know if I'd say this is full on brain fog, but it is an intermediate stage between full clarity and brain fog.

Shawlette

I'm drinking coffee like it is going out of style. Not the best thing for my blood sugar but not the worst I can do either. I'm drinking plenty of water as well, but the coffee it to help be be upright and functional. Otherwise, I'd be just a slug on the couch watching Vikings (because I finally have gotten into the tv show, I'm up to the beginning of season 2). I feel guilty for the fact that it is so hard for me to just knuckle down and get things done. I feel anxious that horrible things are going to happen.

I am striving not to let myself be swallowed up by these feelings and to find the energy to do things. It would help if I was actually sleeping through the night. My anxiety has been so bad over the last few weeks that I keep waking up at 4 am with the urge to walk through the apartment and make sure that everyone is ok and that my life is real. That initial thought upon waking that my life is a hallucination and I'm still 14 and living in my parents house is pure terror.

It lurks at the back of my mind on days like today. I find myself waiting for them to show up on my door step and forcibly take me away from my life as they would have when I was a kid. It's ironic. My parents isolated my siblings and I.They subjected me to a great deal of emotional abuse and encouraged my brothers to harass me. But when I took refuge in my room, they took the door off of the room because they were offended that I wasn't being more 'social' with the family. Things were not good in my parents house when I was a kid. The memories of these kinds of things are what's been going through my nightmares and running through the back of my mind during my waking hours. It's painful.

I know, however, that the gods will carry me through this just like they carried me through the events that I am having flashbacks to.

Eight day of Moura: So behind on my household stuff!

Dear Reader,

Because of my chronic health conditions, I have to juggle a lot of book keeping. I have my blood sugar to monitor daily. I have my mental health symptoms to log daily. And then there's just keeping up a record of what's going on for the kids with school. All of this, before you factor in the actual book keeping that most people think of - the budget and what not. I've been unwell for a little while now.

I thought that I was more or less on top of things, because brain fog duped me into thinking that. Well, here I am a bit more clear headed and good gracious are things a mess in the book keeping arena. My food journal hasn't been updated over the last week. My daily planner is ... well, let's just say that the last time I updated anything in it it was during the first week of February / the mid-Brighe. So, I'm sitting here trying to make all of this organized and tidy again. And I have to plan for next week.

Did I mention that I'm still behind on filing papers? Some how January went by with out my putting a single scrap of paper away in the correct place. By some small miracle, I didn't misplace any of the bills or important letters. And those things got dealt with promptly. I spent most of my morning dealing with sorting out the mass of papers sitting on the desk. I'm now down to school related paperwork for the kids and the planning paperwork for Beloved's parents' anniversary party in August. (And that is so complicated, it's like planning a wedding. Thank goodness his siblings are helping us plan. It's a team effort and I'm thankful for it.)

As for my cleaning in the bathroom, I swept the room with a glance when I was last in there and took a moment to water plants. I know that doesn't count as cleaning in any fashion, but I'm planning on spending a half hour in there working as the kids are doing their chores. I figure that'll make life a little easier and maybe I can make some headway on getting that tub sorted out. I've tried a bunch of different cleaners on it, but it is still grimy. I have broken down and bought the old powdered cleaner that my parents used on their tub when I was a kid. That stuff can take paint off of a wall, so I think I might actually get the tub clean this time. If not, then it is hopelessly stained and I can't do a thing about it.

6th? No, 7th day of Moura: Brain Fog Hates Me.

Dear Reader,

I looked at my calendar and realized that I was a day off in my posts. I've been having a lot of brain fog over the last week due to my not feeling well. The week right before the start of Moura, I had a medication change to my diabetes medicines. Since then, my blood sugar hasn't been right and I haven't felt very well physically. This has had a negative impact upon my mood, which was already not too great because of seasonal affective disorder and complex post-traumatic stress disorder making me miserable. There's been a lot of brain fog where I've been completely forgetting to do important things. It makes me feel bad and guilty for being sick like this.

A vicious part of me, that is an echo of one of the people who is the reason why I have c-ptsd, keeps telling me that I am lazy and good for nothing. Regardless of the fact that when my blood sugar runs high, I get sleepy and I've had at least one migraine over the last two weeks. I'm working with my doctor to get this medication stuff sorted out. It doesn't help that this problem was created by the health insurance company randomly deciding that they weren't going to cover the combo medication that they had been covering for the last year. Now I'm taking the combo medication in its component parts and when that started, things got off kilter. It's kinda scary and I'm trying very hard not to listen to the harpy in my head shrieking that I'm worthless and such.

The project of cleaning the kitchen is complete except for vacuuming the floor. I can't figure out how to put this brand new contraption together. I've run the little sweeper over it, but it hasn't made much of a difference. Aside from that, there's the usual tasks of dishes and cleaning out the fridge (which I do every Wednesday so that there are no science experiments to find in there).

I haven't been keeping up very well on my prayer journal writing. I pray, but I forget to write. I have not been working on my transcription project. By the time I remember to work on these things, the kids are getting home from school and we're off to the races. My sense of time has been skewed because of the brain fog. I'm trying to compensate for it, but it's not working so great.

Fifth day of Moura: Emotional house cleaning.

Dear Reader,

Today found me restless and unsettled. I did my best to ground and center myself. Then I realized that there were some things bothering me on a deeply profound level. So I wrote about it and took action. It was as if a great weight had been lifted off of my chest. I anticipate that some of the fall out from the action I have taken is going to be a bit messy, but Moura is the time for cleaning up messes, I suppose.

I was going to work on finishing up the kitchen today but I had to service my sweeper. I pulled out enough hair to make a small dog out of it. I do not have a small dog or a furry pet of any kind. It was a rather disgusting experience, to be honest, but necessary so that I can get more cleaning done. I have my daily chores that are going on a haphazard way right now. It's been hard for me to focus (as I mentioned earlier) so I have been bouncing from task to task.

I am struggling with my Seasonal Affective Disorder still. Great waves of grief roll over me along with powerful surges of anxiety. My chronic nightmares have gotten worse over the last week which makes me suspect that I have some form of trauma memory attempting to break through. Yay c-ptsd, am I right? As the grief and anxiety hit me, I do my best to roll with it. I try to allow myself some time to sit with these emotions and then give them to the Gods to handle.

Today's been harder than the other days. I am not get as much done in the sense of physical house cleaning as I wanted. (The pile of laundry to sort and fold is almost as tall as I am, despite my sorting and folding it.) I am just doing my best to trust that the Gods have my best interest in mind and keep plugging away at my day. I trust Them, myself not quite so much. I'd post more, but I have a few more chores to do before the kids get home from school.

Godspousery Notes: They're doing what??

Dear Reader,

I was feeling very frustrated the other day with things like having piles of housework to be done and being behind on my writing. I felt like I was setting myself up for failure with my plans for Moura. Then I was blown out of the water and left amazed by what Frey and Loki said to me. "We're going to do this with you."

I said to them that it was entirely unnecessary, after all they're gods and they've got all kinds of other things to do. Practicing a month/season of discipline and work on self-improvment wasn't something I figured they'd have to do. Well, that was the wrong response to have.

Loki openly laughed at me when I said that. Laughed to the point that I thought he was going to sprain something. Frey was actually irritated with me. That doesn't happen too frequently. (Well, it sort of does, but usually its because I'm forgetting to take care of myself.)

Frey then said something that blew my mind again. "How can gods improve at what they do if they do not work on improving themselves? They become static figures and shadows of what they are if they do not continually push themselves to keep up with humanity and the world. There is always something new to challenge even gods."

That got me to thinking about Déa and the entire mythos of the Daughter. It really is a story about deity changing and improving to help the world. So, while the Daughter is on her journey into the Netherworld, I have Loki and Frey with me practicing self discipline and meditating on things like transformation. This leaves me even more curious about what the relationship between these gods are. Especially considering the mythos around Frey. Maybe they'll explain that to me some day.

Fourth day of Moura and things got weird.

Dear Reader,

I'm attempting to get back into my usual schedule after last week's tumult with the kids being on vacation from school. And strange things seem to abound today. Things like a paycheck that was supposed to be in the bank has gone MIA and the tarot deck that went poof and vanished has reappeared. Let us not forget I have been having pre-migraine symptoms despite the fact that there isn't a major shift in the weather due for a few days yet. Also my shoulder has been in pain since I woke up. I'm sure it's because I slept on it funny, but who knows. It's been an odd morning.

Beloved helped me out a lot over the weekend with getting the kitchen sorted out. I can't figure out how to put together the brand new vacuum cleaner. I'll be asking him to handle that. In the meantime, I have the non-electric sweeper that I have to take apart and get all of the hair out of it. You'd think we had hairy pets with the amount of hair in that thing, but all we have is a fish and two snails. (Not that we don't want to have a cat at some point in time.)

I have managed to run out of white novena candles. I use them on the altar for Déa's candle. Now I have a deep red one there. It has no design on it or anything. I suspect it might be a leftover from the Advent candles that were being sold that I grabbed by mistake at the Dollar Tree a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I find myself thinking about Our Lady's courage to make her descent into the Netherworld for our sake. Incarnation is a difficult and arduous thing more often than not. As she passes through the worlds and goes down in to the Netherworld, she endures the suffering of incarnation with us.

The road to the place where the dead lie is one of mostly suffering. Perhaps it is appropriate that I have a red candle for Her courage and unwavering will on my altar right now. Interestingly, my miniature rosebush put out a blossom on the first day of Moura. It is on the altar right now. The bush was supposed to be pink but the blossoms have gradually turned a deep red. And the plant seems to be promising future blossoms. It is a blessing to have a fresh flower to lay on the altar in offering to Déa. May it please Her and be an ornament to give Our Lady some joy in her journey along the road of suffering.

The second day of Moura and I'm already behind.

Dear Reader,

My children are on break from school which has thrown off my schedule terribly. As such, I had plans to start on my serious cleaning yesterday and that didn't happen. I had plans to work on my transcription project and that didn't happen either. Most of the day was spent playing referee as my children fought most of the day. They're as ready to go back to school as I am for them to go.

Through the four weeks of Moura, I am going to be focusing on four major sections of my home in deep cleaning mode. Week one is the kitchen and the entryway. Week two is the bathroom (which desperately needs some TLC). Week three will be the bedrooms. And week four is the living room and the project room.

I'm somewhat frustrated that I can't get the mud up off the floor of the entryway. Every time I mop it, more gets dragged in. I'm the only person who mops the entryway and this is a building with four apartments. It didn't help that the paint wasn't fully dry when people began coming in and out of the building when it was put down. So, there is some mud that is stuck to the floor via the paint. I don't quite know what the solution to that problem is.

The kitchen is in need of some work, but I am making slow progress. Since I have a week to focus on it, I am confident that I can get most of the work done with out the kids casting legos all over the place. After all, I have most of next week, when they're at school, to manage things like running the new vacuum over the floor and such.

Happy Moura Eve!

Dear Reader,

It is the day to feast and indulge. For tomorrow is the beginning of Moura, the season and month of discipline and restriction in honor of Our Lady's descent into the Netherworld. Eat, drink, and be merry. Offer up your joy to she who is the source of all delight.

Yay, it's Winter Break time.

Dear Reader,

It's Winter Break for the kids. They'll be off from school all week. The last several hours have been exasperating. It doesn't help that it's pretty cold out and booting them outside to play isn't the best idea right now. Neither does it help that someone in the building is painting and the fumes are coming up into my apartment. Did I mention that there's a dentist appointment today as well? To say the least, I am rather frustrated and having a hard time finding where my tarot deck that I was going to use for this week's card has gone off to. I can't find my bullet journal where I have my rough notes for my blog posts written out. And I have somehow run out of coffee.

And it's only Monday. Gods help me when summer comes, because I don't know how I'm going to get any writing done when I am playing the role of debate manager and breaking up fights between two bored preteens. I'll try to get the tarot post up a bit later in the evening but it might come tomorrow. It all depends on how that dentist appointment goes and if I have the spoons this evening to type up the post.

Rough couple of days.

Dear Reader,

I haven't been sleeping well. It's beginning to show. Because I have complex-post-traumatic stress disorder, I have nightmares. I have lots of them pretty much every night. The nightmares range from invented fantasies of horrific things to reliving trauma. Usually, it's reliving trauma in some fashion.

I'm doing my best to get back into the swing of posting daily. Yesterday's lapse in posting was because I was busy with familial business all day. Monday was a day where I wandered around the apartment feeling pathetic until I wrote some escapist revenge fantasy. I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. It isn't what I had planned, but it is honest. I suppose there is that, at least.

February has always been a rough month for me, beyond the fact that I have been suffering from seasonal affective disorder on top of c-ptsd. There's a few trauma anniversary dates in this month. And the birthdays of people who had abused me in the past. It makes February hard because I can't just ignore it and move forward. My brain just won't let me. I'm still trying to process it all and even though it's virtually a lifetime away from me, I still can't fully wrap my mind around it. The week leading up to Valentine's day is usually the hardest.

So, please forgive my silence. I'm not doing too well right now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

♥

Creating your on Herbal (pt 2 / 3)

Dear Reader,

In my last post on this topic, I covered the various reasons why one would keep an herbal and the basics of what an herbal is. Now, it may be that you've decided to go the path of least research and acquired for yourself a small library of herbals published by others. If so, congratulations on your library and don't be surprised if it continues to grow just as much as your beloved plants. On the other hand, you may have decided you want to make your own herbal and compile information into a format that you prefer over what others has done. This is a fine task to take up but it requires some elements to remain in place regardless of the format you choose to record your information in.

First, you must have all identification information for the relevant plant in question. This goes beyond its various names. The includes a pictorial identification of all parts of the plant from the tips of the tops to the bottoms of the roots. Some may choose to use photographs for this purpose. Others may choose to write out the description in great detail (as seen in M. Grieve's A Modern Herbal, for example). If you are a skilled artist, sketching the plant has well established roots (if you'll pardon the pun) in the history of writing herbals. But, identification of the plant is vital.

Secondly, you must note what manner of location the plant may be found, the soil it prefers, and such. This way you can identify the plant based on where it is growing because Colt's Foot is not going to grow at the same place as Devil's Trumpet, and neither are going to be found where you can locate Cat's Tails. Knowing the growing conditions for your plant to flourish is helpful in foraging herbs and for growing them. One might even go so far as to include in this section a note referencing what plants you commonly find them growing with (or you can companion plant them with in your garden).

The third section on your plant's page is where the fun stuff goes. How does it fit into your magical classification systems? What recipes for its use do you have? What recipes have you collected? What folklore have you collected about the plant and what personal gnosis do you have about the plant's spiritual nature?

Egregores vs. Deity part 2/3 : Discernment

Dear Reader,

In my last post on this topic, I gave a quick run down on the major differences between Egregores and Deities. The biggest difference between the two is Egregores are limited in their responses where as Deities are not. Now, there are other spiritual things out there in the universe that will masquerade as one or the other for the sake of mischief or something nefarious. Discernment is a vital skill in spirit work. Nowhere is it more important than in determining if you are actually working with a Deity.

There are a lot of methods to test the responses to figure out if they are accurate. (PROTIP: If the being in question gets huffy about you testing their responses, back away slowly and shut down contact. They're up to something and you may not want to be involved with whatever game they're playing. If you decide to proceed with contact, do so with great caution and make sure that your protections are well in place.) It is good to get secondary confirmation on what the being is presenting you. This might be by way of verifying the information presented against what is established about the being in question. This is really useful when dealing with well documented beings.

A really useful method is to get divination done for you by an independent party that isn't involved in the situation. This is one of the rare situations where I encourage you, regardless of your experience, to get a divination session from another person rather than doing it for yourself. The reason why is because the entity's focus on you can skew the reading in their favor. Going to a person who is outside of that feedback loop can get you a good picture of the situation.

Then there is the time honored practice of reality testing. Is the entity telling you something that is realistic and probable? Can you prove some element of what they are presenting via mundane means? Asking the entity questions that it should know the answer to that are simple yes/no questions is a great way to test the waters. Be aware that some beings and Egregores are going to be sticklers for phrasing. On the part of beings, it is in their nature. On the part of Egregores it is because of their programming. As such, make sure that your test questions are ones that have absolute yes/no results (such as the eye color of your child or if it is daylight out at the time and in the location you are at).

Divination: Tarot Tour - Major Arcana 18 - The Moon

Image from Wikipedia

Dear Reader,
This week's card is The Moon, from the Rider-Waite deck. It is a card of choices and tough decisions. It is a card of mysteries (in many ways mirroring the High Priestess). The moon is depicted over a night time landscape as a full moon with a crescent moon within. Drops of dew fall from it between two pillars. A path leads between the pillars from the mountains in the distance to the pool in the foreground. On either side of the path are dogs. Climbing out of the pool is a sea creature (in the case of the Rider-Waite deck it is a lobster). 

In a direct orientation, the moon speaks of the querent having to make a challenging decision between two equally difficult options and that they must listen to their intuition to find the correct choice. In the reversed orientation, the moon warns the querent that there are no good choices here and they must follow their intuition to find the path that causes the least harm.

In the Fool's journey, the moon is an initiation card that indoctrinates the Fool into the deeper mysteries of their spirit. It speaks of reaching inner stillness to find the path forward.

Blessed Lucaid & Imbolg

Image courtesy of Irina Anastasiu at Pexels.com

Dear Reader,

Today is an auspicious day. It is the holy day of Lucaid, the Feast of Lights. It is also known as Imbolg (there are many variant spellings of Imbolg, such as Imbolc) in the Wiccan tradition. In Wicca, it is considered the very beginning of spring. In Filianism, it is considered the beginning of the end of winter.

Among the things I have done today is blessed my candles for the year that they might carry Divine light through their own light and lend its strength to any spell working I may do with them.

I celebrate Lucaid a day late because pretty much every year something comes up on the date of the first of February that tanks my plans to celebrate that day. In addition to blessing my candles, I meditated upon the Holy Daughter as the bringer of Divine Light into the descended world. It is a little descent compared to the greater descent into the Netherworld. I gave thanks for the light of Déa that resides within myself and all that exist. I gave thanks for the increasing light of the Sun as we draw closer to the Spring Equinox. I also gave thanks for all of the good things that I have in my life right now.

I did not make a Bride's Bed or lay out a willow wand to be blessed, as some others may do. I did not weave a Bridget's cross. I'd like to do that at some point in time, but I lack the green rushes to do so. I may possibly weave one out of wheat stalks one year. I'm not decided on the matter.