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| Prayer square 1 |
My brain is still having some difficult with executive function due to stuff like emotional flashbacks. It didn't help that I had the joy of an ovarian cyst bursting this morning and I had to lay down for a while because it hurt to sit upright let alone stand. (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome can go die in a fire.) I was finally up and doing stuff about three hours behind my rather lax schedule. I fixed my look for the day (because my hair was sticking out like I put my finger in a light socket) and brewed some coffee. As I did so, I put the finishing touches on a prayer square that I made last night. I made two of them. They're both white for Dea in all her aspects. They both have a charm for the Daughter aspect of Dea. And one of them has an eye bead on it to repel ill luck. Yesterday I also finished the shawl I started the day after Yule ended. Well, shawlette because I didn't have enough yarn in the whole ball to make a full sized shawl out of it.
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| Prayer square 2, w/ eye bead |
So, this morning/early afternoon, I sat down with my cup of coffee and reviewed what was up on Tumblr. Cue my being very confused (and mildly concerned) that there is a laundry list of curses that have been posted and trending. I posted my bit about curses can turn back on you, if you think you have been cursed you should break it, and that blood used in a curse need not be your own (and I gave ethical alternate sources). But, seriously, Tumblr, are you ok? Did somebody hurt the collective somehow last night when I wasn't looking?
Right now, I'm torn between writing and going and scrubbing the bathroom. The trick is, if I do one I am not going to have time to get the other done. Because the kids are going to be home from school in about an hour. I'm trying to apportion my spoons wisely but I am just ... Well, I'm not in a great place mentally right now and that makes executive function get wonky. When executive function gets a little haywire, deciding what is the priority project gets hard. I don't know if I'd say this is full on brain fog, but it is an intermediate stage between full clarity and brain fog.
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| Shawlette |
I'm drinking coffee like it is going out of style. Not the best thing for my blood sugar but not the worst I can do either. I'm drinking plenty of water as well, but the coffee it to help be be upright and functional. Otherwise, I'd be just a slug on the couch watching Vikings (because I finally have gotten into the tv show, I'm up to the beginning of season 2). I feel guilty for the fact that it is so hard for me to just knuckle down and get things done. I feel anxious that horrible things are going to happen.
I am striving not to let myself be swallowed up by these feelings and to find the energy to do things. It would help if I was actually sleeping through the night. My anxiety has been so bad over the last few weeks that I keep waking up at 4 am with the urge to walk through the apartment and make sure that everyone is ok and that my life is real. That initial thought upon waking that my life is a hallucination and I'm still 14 and living in my parents house is pure terror.
It lurks at the back of my mind on days like today. I find myself waiting for them to show up on my door step and forcibly take me away from my life as they would have when I was a kid. It's ironic. My parents isolated my siblings and I.They subjected me to a great deal of emotional abuse and encouraged my brothers to harass me. But when I took refuge in my room, they took the door off of the room because they were offended that I wasn't being more 'social' with the family. Things were not good in my parents house when I was a kid. The memories of these kinds of things are what's been going through my nightmares and running through the back of my mind during my waking hours. It's painful.
I know, however, that the gods will carry me through this just like they carried me through the events that I am having flashbacks to.
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