Moura - Day ??? I am so mixed up.

Dear Reader,

Apparently being sick has completely confused my sense of time last week. I honestly am not sure if today is day 19 or not of Moura. I feel befuddled and a bit down hearted because it was my intent to blog about every day of Moura this year. I think it is clear, however, that Our Lady had other plans for me. I'm finally over the flu. I got a walk and was astounded by how much the world seems to have changed from the bitter cold and such that was here when I first came down with the flu and decided it was in my best interests to stay indoors as much as possible.

I'm partially caught up on housework. I have a few dishes left in the sink to manage, but I'm going to handle it after dinner. I did a lot of work on my prayer shawl. My focus as I have been working is praying to Deam Mysterium for serenity. I have a big anxiety problem and being chronically ill doesn't help it any. Now my kids are getting older and going through life changes, which has me fretting over how to help them.

I have discovered that I didn't write a thing in my day planner which acts as my bullet journal for life at large. I honestly don't know if the date I have written in there for Moura is correct. My food journal got forgotten for the last two weeks because I was too busy being sick and worrying about a medication change with my diabetes medicine (which lead to higher than normal fasting blood sugars on top of the elevation that got caused by my having the flu - it was scary).

I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm not "doing" Moura properly. It's been frustrating for me to keep up with my daily devotionals or to do anything special on top of that. I've been an emotional mess and struggling with my seasonal depression. It's beginning to improve but I still feel badly. I have been trying to do my spring cleaning but its not working out so great because I wasn't well for about two weeks (thanks influenza). Somewhere in the middle of this bucket of suck that I am carrying around, I have misplaced hope that things will get better. I'm just treading water and frustrated with my lack of progress.

I think my big lesson for Moura this year is be more patient with myself. I am wretched at doing that. Seriously, I have a terrible track record for being patient with myself when I'm going through any sort of growth process or stopping to rest when I'm sick. (Which is why when I had pneumonia years ago, my toddler son was regularly ratting me out to Beloved for getting up out of sick bed because I was impatient to do SOMETHING. The compromise was I could teach myself to knit if I stayed in bed unless I had to get up. I'm an awful patient because I keep trying to get up and do stuff when I really should be resting.)