My intentions to post through out Moura have been frustrated by my illness and this has me feeling somewhat despondent. My home is not half as neat and tidy as I had thought I would have it by now. Part of this was due to the chaos that came when my previous stove attempted to set itself afire a third time. (Last two times were due to grease build up beneath the stove top. Apparently the previous tenants in the apartment never cleaned it, as there was a thick layer of grime. It was only clean on the surface, it seems. That was resolved with some effort and steel wool. This third incident was a case of one of the oven burners shorting out. There were sparks everywhere. It was quite alarming. We now have a new stove.) Part of this is due to the fact that I have two small children who are positively brilliant at creating messes. And, finally, my lack of energy and depression has made some of the simplest tasks of caring for my home quite challenging.
I am presently on new medication for my depression and in the midst of an adjustment period. This medication has me feeling fairly awful and I find myself struggling with my simple daily prayers. In the middle of all this, I received a gift of an Anglican styled rosary. As I was looking it over and admiring it, I managed to catch the cross on some fabric and split the jump ring that was holding it on. Fortunately, I didn't lose that charm. I did, however, take the opportunity to amend it to something closer to my leanings and added a silver pentacle charm where the gold tone cross was. I have been handling this set of beads a fair amount over the last week.
I found myself struggling over what sort of prayers I would use with it. In my depression inspired thick wittedness, I just would pick up the beads and ask for comfort in my angst. I did a little reading today about Anglican rosaries. I found that they are less structured in their prayer format than Catholic rosaries. Ordinarily I would have been comforted by this idea, but right now it only served to make me more anxious. Then I saw something that felt like it was written just for me. As I may have mentioned in the past, Dame Julian of Norwich is one of the religious women of the past whom I feel a measure of kinship towards. There is a set of prayers based off of her writings (towards the bottom of the page here). I am going to adapt the language slightly because the pronouns for Dea are female and I am not interacting with Yahweh. Still, I have a place to begin with this new set of beads and this comforts me.
I beaded myself a 108 wooden bead mala on Monday. I just felt the necessity to do so, thus I did. I know several other people who are Buddhists and have found the practice of this philosophy life changing. I find myself debating if I should add some chanting based upon Buddhism because so many people I know are finding such solid and helpful results. I am having a hard time thinking clearly because of the depression and the medication change, but this is an idea that has been at the back of my mind for about a half year now as I have watched my friends enacting major changes in their lives. The other possibility that has come to mind is taking up a more focused practice of the Nordic path, including galdr.
I feel somewhat cut off from Dea again. I believe it is my illness getting in the way. I feel as though there is a pall cast over me. The effort that it takes for me to write my little daily prayer in my journal has been harder than it has been over the last year. My prayers of late have been for our Lady to ease my illness and help me manage my symptoms. I still have faith, though the depression and such tell me to give up. It is, I hope, this faith that will carry me forward into health.