Thoughts, lessons, and theology from an eclectic witch from a varied background.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Chaos is Productive!

I don't have anything witty or profound to post right now. I've been so busy with all the details of being Mom that I have had a hard time doing much of anything else. When I'm not juggling what feels like 5671 things, I've been exhausted and anxious. As I look around at the apparent chaos around me, I realized that much of the forward motion happening in my life is happening due to this chaos. Which reminded me that entropy is what is responsible for the expansion of the universe and powers an amazing amount of the magic in the world.

There is no small coincidence that Loki has been rather talkative of late. Our conversations have pretty much all revolved around my mental health issues. (He has some very strong opinions about my treatment and about how I am approaching the situation. Some of the opinions are good, several of them are ... unapologetically harsh. And I know that this isn't Loki being offensive for the sake of being offensive. He's understandably angry about a few things. We're working on resolving those problems.) Somewhere in the midst of everything going on in the last three days, Loki bluntly told me that I needed to stop competing and just start working on my own thing.

I initially was going to argue that I wasn't competing with anyone, but he pointedly reminded me that you can't bullshit a bullshitter. (He gave me an earful on that matter. He was actually offended that my attempt to lie to myself and him was so badly done. I've been advised to just stop trying to lie ever because I'm too honest by nature to ever do it well. Even if I am lying to myself, apparently. Thus, the Lie-Smith hath spoken, I suppose.) When Loki broke down the argument that I was attempting to make, he illuminated all the ways that I kept comparing my writing to other peoples and my relationships with him (and the other gods) to those of others as well. Unhappy is an understatement of a galactic quality to describe how he feels about this.

So, I spent some quality time with Freyr and mulled over how to approach this. Loki is still waiting for me to detail out the beginnings of a plan for how to change my erroneous ways. Freyr has advised me to consider things from an organic perspective, but not over think things. I honestly don't quite know how to apply that advice. Still, as I look around me, I see that things are at a better place than they were a month ago. The tumult in my life is exhausting but I see new flowers budding out, seedlings bursting up from the ground, and a jaw dropping display of life in its multiple facets occurring around me. I think the lessons are right in front of me if I stop analyzing everything long enough to actually look at it all.

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