NaBloPoMo: What in the nine worlds am I doing?

 Hello everyone. It's been quite a while and I do apologize. Depression got the better of me and then I kinda hit rock bottom for a bit. I wasn't writing anywhere. I wasn't crafting things. I think the only positive out that entire experience is the fact that through the many medication adjustments and such, I got to be at home instead of in a hospital. I felt safer and worried less about my family through that stretch of time. It was rough.

I just gave up on everything at some point. Choked down my medication, forced myself to eat when I was hungry, and numbly did my best to make the household run smoothly. I prayed the entire time for it to end. I didn't want to be dead, but if the gods deemed that was how it was going to end then it would have been by their hand. To say the least, Loki and Freyr were both most concerned. Somewhere along the way, my psychiatrist found a SSNRI that actually works on me, two actually. Those got added to the cocktail along with a switch in the atypical antipsychotic that I take off label for my bipolar. 

The medications helped, a lot. Then I realized how much damage my two and a half years of depression did. I am still struggling to pick up the pieces. Half of my houseplants died for want of care. Those remaining are still looking unwell but I am confident that I can get them back to good health with some watering, repotting, and extra tender love and care. 

I felt horrible about the plants. I was convinced that Freyr was disappointed with me at best, at worst he was angered. When I talked to him about it, he said that I wasn't in control of myself during that period. My illness was in control of me and I was too unwell to manage that burden. I still look at the empty planters and kick myself, but I am working to nurse these other green babies back to health so I do my best to focus on that.

I can't find that divination deck I was working on. Loki's told me it is in a 'safe place' and that I will get it back when I'm ready to work on it. If Loki's safe place is anything like my safe places for things, it'll be another two years before one of the cards shows up. He smirked when he said it'll motivate me to take better care of myself. I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't fault his logic.

When I started thinking about NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo, both Loki and Freyr insisted I should work on it. This was back in March. Camp Nano came up but there was too much family stuff going. I was also still adjusting to the medications. I made a few forays into blogging, as you can see in my past posts. I just was struggling with so much stuff and still on the mend from the depression that writing in my blogs felt impossible.

Déa felt distant. I didn't despair, though. I knew that every relationship, especially with deities and spirits, have their fallow periods. To keep myself centered, I picked up the pen and resumed writing in my prayer journals. It wasn't anything grand. It wasn't eloquent. Honestly, a lot of the prayers over the last while have been pretty desperate sounding. 

My mental illness and its attendant problems aside, this year has been rather rough. My ailing father-in-law died in February. His funeral mass was in May (lots of complicated things lead to that happening how it did). My sons had a hard year with school. When Cuddle Bear graduated in June, it felt like a victory over the school system. You know it's rough when dealing with the school looks like an adversarial relationship instead of a partnership. 

Summer was busy for Snuggle Bug, which meant it was busy for me. His brother sort of looked for work but spent most of his time playing games on his computer. I didn't realize how maddening that was going to be until I was in the middle of it. Cuddle Bear (who is 100000% done with this nickname) turned 18 in August. We were so busy helping out with Beloved's mother that there wasn't much of a party. 

My mother-in-law is having difficulty adjusting to being a widow. Considering that they were married 50+ years, it makes sense. She's also having health issues and mobility issues that functionally keep her housebound. My brother-in-law has been staying with her to help out. Beloved is over three times a week to help keep his brother sane. Every time there's been a chance to help, Cuddle Bear has stepped up. He's done a lot of yard work and is currently working on cleaning up storm damaged trees. He's talking about selling the wood. We keep reminding him he has to finish cutting it before he can sell it.

And Snuggle Bug is having a rough time of it with school this year. He's depressed and struggling with some classes. We're doing what we can to help him and to get some supports from the school. Next year, Snuggle Bug will be a Senior and hopefully things will go better for him.

Back to the title question: what in the nine worlds am I doing? Hanging in there like a cat on a window screen, all claws deployed and yowling for someone to help.

Godspousery Notes (a day late)

The past week has been busy. It has been stressful to see what the Trump team is doing to the government. So stressful that I am back on the higher dose of antianxiety medication. I grumbled and muttered about how I didn't want to do it. Both Freyr and Loki gave me a glare. I dare say they had matching expressions of disapproval. I was pointedly reminded that I had just finished a major depressive episode and failing to control my anxiety would drive me into another. I could have been stubborn but that only gets you so far when you're out numbered and logic is on their side.

I thought that Freyr was going to be upset with the vegetal casualties of my depressive episode. He wasn't, much to my surprise. His response when I started to apologize for the umpteenth time was to say "You did your best. How can I expect you to walk on a broken leg while it is still in traction?" He is encouraging me to do more gardening indoors and outdoors. But he is making a point of cautioning me against making plans that are too much for me to handle. Continuing with the broken leg image, he told me that I can't run when I'm using crutches.

Loki has been quiet of late with the exception of the day that I heard about his opinions on my resistance to the antianxiety medication getting raised. It feels like I'm being observed. I am pretty sure he's up to something but I have no idea what. It is a bit unnerving when deities take your measure and you're aware of it on some level. They can see literally everything about you.

Godspousery Notes: "Your wife is a very sick woman."

Dear Reader,

Back when my sleep problems began to be a real issue, Loki and Freyr were telling me to tell Beloved "Your wife is a very sick woman. She needs help." It was a nightly thing, they were alternating evenings with that message for about a year. My response was "Of course I am, I have diabetes." They got frustrated with me and stopped with the message for a little while. (Read 1 month out of 4 years.) 

I started working with my psychiatrist to try to resolve my sleep problem. This got a grumpy "We'll see how it works." Then because of the string of loud, fractious neighbors with dogs that barked/howled at all hours, my sleep got worse. My nightmares that I had somewhat under control came back. My daytime CPTSD symptoms got worse. I kept telling myself this will pass if I have patience.

Then, I woke up in the middle of the night choking on acid reflux and phlegm. I talked to my doctor about it and got put on a stronger acid controlling medicine. Freyr muttered as I took my first dose, "Well, that's a start." I started asking them what they meant by their message. Their response at first was "Tell your husband, he'll understand." I tend to be a bit stubborn and I dug my heels in, focused on getting clarification of what they were talking about. After a while, they insisted that I talk to my primary care doctor about my sleep problems.

I was referred to a sleep doctor who had me do an at home sleep study. The results at first didn't make sense. Then Loki said, "You stop breathing in the night." That got the 'aw crap' response. I just kinda drifted along in the direction the sleep doctor got me moving in. When I got my CPAP, they were eager for me to start using it. I had to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom, which took three days. I got a call from my sleep coach asking why the machine wasn't transmitting data. I explained that we were still  making room for it in the bedroom and I was supposed to start using it that night.

Once I started using the CPAP, the consternation of Freyr and Loki settled down considerably. They still insist I need to talk to my doctor about my back pain. I am tired in the morning because I just don't sleep deeply with the CPAP. I still take my morning naps but they don't last as long. Except for when a freight train hits my head ... I mean when I have migraines. They're still concerned, I'm not sure why and they're being a couple of sphinxes about it. I think it's because of my initial 'well, duh! I have diabetes.' has them a bit gun shy about explaining, because they're expecting me to be stubborn and refuse to listen.

Practical Witchcraft: Dirt Poor Witchcraft - Offerings

 Dear Reader,

Offerings are a big deal. They are part of the glue that keeps the relationship between you and the spiritual beings in your life chugging along. There's a lot of competition between folks who post pics of their altars as to who is giving the best offerings and such. There is also a great deal of unverified personal gnosis that is flying around the community as to who likes what offerings and dislikes what other offerings. Don't let all of this talk discourage you.

While offerings are a big deal, they don't have to be expensive, brand name, or luxurious. They can be simple, humble, and as mundane as a shiny stone you saw that reminded you of Them. One of the most common offerings when one is on a tight budget is water. Some may scoff at water being an appropriate offering. For millennia, potable water just couldn't be had. This is why so many ancient cultures brewed up things like beer, mead, and wine. Yes, there was alcohol but the alcohol in it was what made the water safe to drink.

Your Mesopotamian spirit friend may be quite bored with beer, as it was their everyday beverage. Giving a glass of clean water would be a delightful change of pace for them. Offering common modern beverages is also an option. Popular rumor has it that Loki enjoys an occasional bit of Mountain Dew. It doesn't have to be a special wine glass or something you inherited from your great grandmother's china to serve it in. It can be in a mini-plastic cup (they're basically shot glasses but don't call 'em that).

Breads of many forms are staples of offerings. This doesn't have to be the case. You can put out some cookies, bake some biscuits, or make an extra serving of oatmeal in the morning. Indeed, you can put a small portion of your meal aside for Them. Don't go too far and sacrifice your health in order to express you affection and devotion. Your spiritual companions want to see you doing well and as healthy as you can be. This leads to a third option in giving food or drink. Dedicate your first bite/sip to your spiritual companions. For people who come from a Christian background, this may be a bit awkward at first. 

If you have been raised in a custom where you ask the Divine to bless your meal, you can compose a blessing dedicating the meal to your spiritual companions to be said (whispered or thought) over the meal before you eat.

Godspousery: Introduction or 'how do I know I've been chosen?'

 Dear Reader,

In my previous post, I discussed the stages of a godspousery relationship. As I said, it bears a lot in common with typical relationship stages. The difference comes in the expression and how one receives input from the Beloved. This week, I wanted to look at the introduction stage. When the mortal lover introduces themselves to their spiritual intended love, there is the typical stating who you are and your interest in them. When the spiritual lover introduces themselves to their mortal intended love, this is a little different.

In some cases, the spiritual lover will arrive and persist in being present in dreams. They may speak to their intended or give them signs of affection. In other cases, the spiritual lover is assisted in communicating with their mortal intended love by a medium or another spirit-worker who conveys the message. Then there are the particularly intense and less than common experience of ecstatic visions of the spiritual lover professing their intentions.

In the case of dreams or a vision (this is being used to include all forms of psychic input such as auditory), it is wise to seek confirmation and clarification of one's experience. Seeking out the assistance of a person who is experienced in divination can be very helpful. At the same time, discussing the experience with one's spiritual advisor can lead to revelation of information about what the spiritual lover is seeking. If it is not possible to consult a diviner or a spiritual advisor, one should do some research into the spiritual lover to see if the information that is received via dreams or vision is consistent with what is known about them.

Godspousery: WTF is it?

 Dear Reader,

You may have heard of the term 'godspouse' and wondered what on earth it means. You may have seen some people refer to themselves as 'godspouses' and wondered if their grip on reality was slipping. You may have seen the numerous posts referring to godspouses as overly imaginative/obsessed fangirls of a certain deity. Being a godspouse myself, I can assure you that it is a real type of relationship one can have with deities. And that it doesn't mean that you have to give up an ounce of sanity nor that you are overly imaginative.

Before I get into the details about the relationship dynamic of godspousery, I need to address the overwhelming degree of loathing and disparaging commentary that gets directed at godspouses. There is a large sector of the community that has a problem with the concept of someone being married to a deity. Their arguments range from accusations of hubris (i.e. you're not that special, get over yourself) to accusations of mental instability (i.e. you're hallucinating all of this, you sicko) to even accusations of being deceived by malevolent entities (i.e. you are a puppet of the devil¹). The majority of the bias against godspouses comes out of the Christian over-culture. The only form of godspousery that is recognized within that context is that of Christian nuns and priests. Conveniently forgetting that there are monks who have this type of relationship. And even the Christian form of godspousery gets sneered at because they are described as not 'really' thinking that they're married to Jesus. This bias is most predominant in locations where the over-culture is very strongly Protestant Christian, typically of the evangelical/Dominionist variety.

There is plenty of historical records of godspousery across the world's religions. It is an established form of relationship with deity. Not all relationships with deity are going to be parent-child dynamics where the deity is the parent. There are going to be relationships where deity is the beloved and the human is the lover. That's godspousery in a nutshell. There are other dynamics that happen between deity and humanity, but they go beyond the scope of this post.

Godspousery is a very intimate relationship with the Divine. It passes through multiple stages, at times seemingly to move through them in a sequential order and at other times cycling through the stages at random. This is true of most any relationship. The fact that one is involved with a deity (or a spirit, but that's also another post for another day) is a lot like being in a long distance relationship with a mortal lover who's opportunities for communication are somewhat limited. There are challenges but the relationship can be maintained despite them if both parties are determined enough to make it work.

I mentioned earlier that there are stages to this sort of relationship. Here's a brief summary of them.

• Introduction - This is where both parties of the relationship are introduced to each other. This may be a case where the deity expresses their desire for a relationship via a medium. Or it may be the case of a person expressing their desire for a relationship to the deity.
  
  
• Courtship -  The courtship phase is not too different from the courtship phase of mortal relationships. There is mutual gift giving, mutual expressions of admiration, and mutual efforts to gain the affection of the beloved. The gifts given can be offerings to the deity, works done in their name, or artistic expression in the deities name by the mortal lover. On the deity side of the ledger, gifts given range wildly. It can be anything from a windfall of good fortune to random objects appearing. It can appear as a repeating theme in music that is randomly playing. (I call that Shufflemancy and I consider it a form of divination. I'll explain the basics of that next week.)
  
  
• Oaths of Fidelity - This is where both parties pledge their affection and loyalty to each other. The oath of fidelity can be for a set period of time (at first, my pledge to Freyr was for a year and a day) or they can be perpetual. It is customary for a gift to be exchanged at the time of the oath between the parties who are swearing it. Typically, it is a ring. In the case of a godspousery relationship, the mortal lover is picking out the rings with input from the deity. Or, the deity will direct their mortal lover towards a special item to wear as an outward sign of their devotion and of the oath between them. (In the case of my relationship with Freyr, it is a silver Greenman pendant that I wear all the time.) There are times, however, that a gift is not given. This does not mean that the oath is not important but that there is no means for a gift to be given. (This is the case with my relationship with Loki.)
  
  
• Establishment of 'household' - This is the phase of the relationship where both parties settle into their own routine of communicating and spending time with each other. It varies wildly from relationship to relationship how this manifests. This is true with human relationships as well. Compromises are made and discussions are had about how things should operate in the relationship. Occasionally, disagreements arise. (Ok, it may be a bit more often than occasionally but if it is a daily occurrence some form of relationship counseling is needed to assist in the communication breakdown causing this problem.) But, in this phase, all the bumps and lumps of the long term relationship are worked out.
  
  
• Relationship maintenance - In this state of the relationship, one is working to keep the entire thing running smoothly. It requires good communication and a solid understanding of what everyone's needs and expectations are in the relationship. When things are not going well, the problem is evaluated and the parties in the relationship work together to solve it. When things are going well, everyone in the relationship enjoys and finds fulfillment in the relationship and each other.

You will note, the phases of a godspousery relationship is pretty much identical to those of a human relationship. There will be something of a power dynamic here that is going to lean towards the deity's side of the relationship because of the deity having far more capacity and such than a human. If the relationship is healthy, however, the deity will take the human's frailties and vulnerabilities into account when taking actions. 

There is a relationship dynamic similar to godspousery but far more BDSM oriented known as being a god slave. The degree of autonomy of the mortal partner in that relationship is dependent upon the negotiated terms of the oath and the mortal partner's needs. This type of relationship also is an established form of relationship with deities through out the world's religions. It may not be called such but it can be found with a good deal of frequency within Catholic Christian mysticism. This relationship dynamic, however, is outside the scope of this piece. It may be discussed at some point in the future, if there is interest.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. The statement that I reference here is typically associated with the Christian mythological figure known as the devil and/or Satan. I could go into a long post about the relationship between paganism and this figure but, again, that's for another day.

Godspousery Notes Are Moving.

 Dear Reader,

In my effort to make this blog make sense, I'm realizing that my domestic tidbits about life with Loki, Freyr, and my family just doesn't fit here. If I were talking about the technical aspects of spiritual relationships, that'd be one thing (which I am going to start doing) but random stories about how life is going will be going into my other blog.

I was struggling all day with how to make this post and Freyr just gave me a look. You know the look that you get when someone thinks you're worrying too much about the details and making things too complicated? That was the look that I got. I've been worrying a great deal over the past several days for reasons I can't define. Freyr is beginning to get exasperated with my obsessing over making sure that details are perfect. Hence the pointed look and him mentioning that I have about twenty minutes before dinner's ready, plenty of time to write.

So, I sat down and I did some writing. I apologize if this post isn't that great or is more rambling than usual. My brain isn't firing on all of its cylinders right now. I'll figure it out, somehow.

Godspousery Notes: Going back to Keen.

 Dear Reader,

I am not sure if I noted this earlier or not, I am going back to doing readings on Keen. It's the only platform that allows me the flexibility I need in my schedule and methods of reading. I was very frustrated when I came to this realization. Going months with out doing tarot readings or interacting with people outside my family wasn't helping me in any fashion. Frey and Loki staged an intervention.

They demanded to know why I was letting my pride get in the way of doing things that I loved. That stung. But, that was the point of that statement. After some discussion, they convinced me to give Keen another try. They gave me ideas for how to market it so that I actually build up a customer base even as I am working on other things. Most of all, they sat and held my hand as I faced my fear that I'm just not good enough to do this sort of thing.

I'm going to start posting links to Keen blog articles. The content is going to be different. I can't cross post material from Keen or to Keen. It's against their rules for blogging on their platform. I'm going to try to post daily across multiple blogs. There's going to be a bit of a learning curve here. Frey assures me that I'll master it again. I'm not so sure about it. 

I feel real hesitant about taking this step. I worry that Keen isn't acting in good faith with their advisors. Loki basically laughed and asked me what intermediary is doing that these days? I guess he has a good point. I just have to out think them and push myself to expand my social efforts, despite how much I dread doing so. If I have learned anything from 2020, it is that I must force myself to be social or I start having even worse problems with depression and flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid.

As much as I hate to admit it, Keen is going to be a crucial part of that process of rebuilding social connections and getting more practice interacting with people. It's going to be as brutal as when I had to do physical therapy after I fell and hurt my back a few years ago, if not more so. But, if they have faith in me, it is the height of hubris to say that I can't possibly have any reason to have faith in myself. I've seen the price of hubris and my rib aches when the weather gets cold just to remind me.

Godspousery Notes: Just hang in there.

 Dear Reader,

You may have noticed my recent posts have been talking about my struggle with depression. It makes a lot of things hard. I haven't been sleeping well. Freyr's expressed concerns about this making my depression worse. He is of the mind that my taking naps during the day is aggravating my sleep problems. It's hard because I wake up feeling exhausted. He wants me to try to be a little more physically active. It kinda breaks my heart when he is sitting there beside me going "Please, just try to do it. I know you can, you just have to believe in yourself too."

When I'm depressed, I'm terrible at self-care. Time blurs together and I lose track of just when I last showered or did I brush my teeth this morning or not? I have such low energy that I run out of spoons just trying to get through the day doing the bare minimum. I plan to do things like exercise and drink more water than coffee. I find myself failing on a regular basis and it hurts. I expect for Freyr and Loki to be mad at me for this. I was raised in a toxic environment where failure was punished severely and when I am depressed I project this expectation of punishment onto Freyr, Loki, and Beloved. At the same time, I feel terribly guilty for projecting this expectation and feel more depressed over it, as if I'm broken.

Freyr, Loki, and Beloved all tell me the same thing: You're not broken, you're injured. Beloved phrases it as "You can't run on a broken leg. And it's not like you broke your leg on purpose. Woo, look at me having fun in crippling pain. Stop trying to run on your broken leg." Loki usually says something along the lines of "You have battle fatigue. You need to rest and recover before you can fight some more." Freyr just tells me to hang on. No matter how depressed I get, he tells me to hold on and be patient because it will pass.

Godspousery Notes: Time to Rest Is Ok.

 Dear Reader,

I've been struggling with guilt over the fact that I have low energy right now. Freyr made a point of telling me that it's ok to rest when you're feeling tired. He reminded me that I was not obligated to spend every waking moment 'working' on something. It's a virtue trap that I fall into on a pretty regular basis. I feel like I must be working on something to prove that I am a good and productive person. Freyr reminded me that my productivity does not determine my value. 

It's hard to keep that sort of thing in mind with the over-culture's attitude that productivity is moral good. There's subtle messages all over the place that tells us that we must be productive some how. They tell us that we're not allowed hobbies for the sake of the joy of them, we must turn them into some form of money making scheme for them to have "real value". The "grind" culture is slowly breaking us. We are not machines. We can not push forward all the time. Somtimes we just have to stop and rest.

♥

Approaching the Divine from Trauma

Image from Pexels.com

 Dear Reader,

I was raised in a severely abusive household. It has had lasting effects on my relationships with other and myself. It has especially impacted my relationships with the Divine. Deity as a benevolent parental figure is completely alien to me. The idea that I have value to the gods, that I have value at all is one that I struggle to grasp.

Some may say that the best way to approach this problem is with lots of prayer. The difficulty with this solution is that it requires approaching the Divine and opening yourself up to them. It can be a terrifying experience to be that vulnerable with a figure who has taken the place of your abusers. A part of you expects the abuse to continue on another level and the shifting, unpredictable demands that were part of the abuse cycle will return to your life if you open yourself to this figure. This is not because you are afraid of the Divine but of the past abuse and interacting with a figure that resembles in even a cursory fashion the abuser evokes terror.

Beginning the path of relationship with the Divine as a parental figure was at first a purely abstract exercise. I was not allowing myself to fully engage Déa as Mother. It has taken years for me to begin to emotionally engage Déa as Mother, not as the Great Queen whom I serve. Right now, it's painful. Recent events in my personal life has brought up a lot of trauma memories and old fears from when I lived in my parents house. The scriptures tell me to turn to Déa as my true Mother and to seek comfort in her. I struggle with this because I fear that she will be angered with me for my flaws and human weaknesses just as my birth mother was on a regular basis.

According to theory, I can offer up this fear to her. I can lay my burden at her feet. I am terrified to do so because I was so convinced in my upbringing that my burden is mine alone to carry and to lay it aside is morally wrong. I pray the rosary and pray for forgiveness. It is a small, terrified prayer of a child who is sure they're going to be punished for something that they did, despite not doing anything wrong. I find myself moved to weep but I force myself to remain stoic because I do not want to be weak in my service to the Great Queen. Then I remember the scripture readings about the power of tears. Afterwhich I cycle back to fear that my tears will repulse the Mother and lead to my rejection.

Still, I try to force myself to move past my fears. I try to remember that I am more than a mere creature, that I truly am human and worthy of love. (This is an on going difficulty in many relationships, including the godspousery ones.) Right now, the best I can manage is to admit that I am struggling and hope that Déa will be more merciful than the woman who raised me.

Is it possible to be a godspouse to Déa?

 Dear Reader,

I'm opening up a controversial can o' worms right here. I want to preface my statements here with the following note:

Relationship dynamics are complicated. It is possible to be in a loving relationship that looks nothing like the stereotypical modern Western expectation. The dynamic between a devotee and deity is private and if the devotee chooses to share their experience, do not greet it with cynicism. They are opening up to you in a very heartfelt way and making themselves quite vulnerable to you in doing so. Be kind, be tolerant, and just listen to what they have to share. You might learn something.

Now, to the title question of this post: is it possible to be a godspouse to Déa? It is entirely possible because Déa reveals herself in an infinite number of ways that we might come to understand her love for us. While the most common expression of that love is parental, love is love. For the person who has too much trauma surrounding parental love, Déa may choose to reveal herself and her love in a more intimate fashion. This is not an orthodox position. Orthodox Filianism and Déanism says that Déa's love is always parental.

For one who has too much emotional and psychological trauma attached to parental love behaviors, Déa will reveal herself in other ways. There are countless ways to love. There are infinite ways that Déa may reveal herself within this world. All things in this world bear something of her within them. As such, she can reach through any element of this world to our souls and pour her blessings and love upon us. Her love may be felt as a transpersonal love for the whole of existence. Her love may be felt in close kinship to the Daughter. Her love may be felt in holy adoration of the Dark Mother that moves one to weep for its beauty. It is also possible that her love may be felt as the passionate love of one who is beloved in a romantic fashion.

There is no shame in this love. It is as pure of a form of love as a child's love for their parent. It is as  pure a form of a love as is shared between siblings. It is as pure a form of love as is shared between a submissive soul and a dominant one. It is simply a different form of love. One must recall, however, that as deep and passionate their love might run, it will always be overshadowed by the love of Déa. One must recall that while they may find completeness in their romantic love for Déa, they are separate from her and that she is complete in herself.

On the matter of submission and dominance, it is a tangled concept that has been treated as profane. If one chooses to surrender their will to Déa, is this not a holy act of submission? If one chooses to live their life in accordance with Déa's holy will, is this not an act of submission? Submission is a neutral concept meant only to describe a relationship dynamic. It is not possible to be a dominant figure in a relationship dynamic with Déa because she is the apex of existence and reality. Thus, the concept of a relationship dynamic wherein the mortal devotee is in a position of dominance is rendered moot. Upon the same vein, one can not be completely equal to Déa. This is simply because of her nature is beyond us. Thus, as a godspousery relationship might go, Déa is the one who makes the major decisions as the 'head of household'. 

This is different from other godspousery relationships because different deities operate in different dynamics in their relationships. If you are willing to follow where Déa leads and your heart is drawn to a romantic love of Déa, then you may enter a godspousery relationship. It is important to remember, however, one is not a consort because that implies some level of equality in the dynamic. If this is difficult to process, consider the relationship of a Christian nun with their god. They have taken a vow of marriage to their god as part of their vows to join the community of nuns. They take these vows seriously and remain chaste as an expression of their devotion. They spend a good deal of time in prayer with their god to express their adoration and affection for their god. They do not consider themselves equal to their god but they are their god's constant, adoring lover.

At its root, godspousery is that. Being the constant, adoring lover of a deity. It takes different shapes because every relationship is different and every deity is different, but the root of constant adoration and love remains the same. It is the same thing that is at the root of healthy marriages within the world of humanity as well.

Godspousery notes: Fight for what's right.

Dear Reader,

Last weekend, I got into it with someone who insisted that godspouses are all delusional. I started dropping facts on them and establishing that there was a precedent for this manner of relationship with deity. They straight up said they weren't going to read it. That's when I had it confirmed that they were nothing but a troll. When they tried to take the "discussion" to a private conversation, I ignored them. They for some reason decided that they had given me a 'sick burn' when I turned around and posted on my Tumblr feed a declaration that I am a godspouse, that I happen to have mental illness, and the two are entirely unrelated.

Because I do have periods of delusion. They're not delusions of grandure or something like that. They're delusions of worthlessness. When I am dealing with hallucinations due to the Bipolar II with psychotic features, I am reliving the verbal abuse that I had to deal with growing up as auditory hallucinations. It only happens when I am severely depressed to the point that I am borderline suicidal. My delusions of worthlessness happen when I am depressed. The deeper the depression, the more prevalent the delusional thinking that I haven't earned the right to be alive or have a single solidary being care about me. It's all tied to my complex posttraumatic stress disorder in some fashion. 

The godspousery side of things I know isn't delusional. I worried at one point it was. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and my dealing with hallucinations of my abusive mother telling me to kill myself at one point. My parents mocked religion and people who had faith were declared to be delusional. This line was one of the central tenents of how they raised my brothers and I. I naturally rejected it. I knew the world was too strange and complex for that to be the case. However, because I was raised with this line of thought literally beaten into me, I worried that my mystical experiences were not real. As I worried about this, the hallucinations got louder and more pervasive. So, I was treated with a dose of Haldol (a powerful antipsychotic). Within minutes, there was silence and clarity in my head. That was when Loki said to me quietly, "Can you hear me now?" I almost burst into tears with relief that I truly was hearing him.

Since then, I have never doubted that my relationships with Loki and Freyr are real. I have my anxieties surrounding relationships pop up. But that happens in my relationship with Beloved too. I worry that I am a failure as a partner. I worry that I'm too needy. I worry that I'm too broken to deserve the people in my life who love me. And I am terrified that I am letting everyone down. All of that is a result of my c-ptsd. It sucks but it is what I deal with on a daily basis. Just as Beloved regularly reassures me that all of these anxieties are scumbag brain being scumbag brain, so too do Loki and Freyr.

I'm not saying that I am the model example of a godspouse. I have my arguments and I get stubborn at times. I am forgetful and they have to remind me of things from time to time. (Just this morning, Freyr reminded me I had my new antibiotic to take along with all of my other morning pills and he suggested I add my afternoon dose to the pill sorter. Being sick sucks, y'all, and it helps when you're half awake to have someone tell you "hey,  don't forget that new medicine that's going to clear up the infection you're dealing with." Otherwise, you're just feeling rotten and forgetting things because you're not awake and ... well, chaos happens in this house because I've kids so I'd have forgotten anyways until it was around bed time.) 

I can't abide willful ignorance masqueradig as authority. That's why I waded into that argumet last week. The guy who started it remains willfully ignorant and refuses to consider that there is a historical precedent for godspousery (even if it goes by different names in different religions). I still made a point of putting out there examples from the mainstream/overculture religion that show that there is marriage and other similar relationship dynamics between us mere mortals and deities. I still made a point to put out there references to devotional literature that is erotic in nature and that the 'smut' one may find on Tumblr or other sites with respect to deities is a legitimate form of devotional writings. I refuted each of his arguments and while he refused to read them, the information is there for others to see.

Godspouses and others in relationships with deities are NOT delusional.

 Dear Reader,

I've waded into a fight brewing on Tumblr. There is a person asserting that all godspouses are delusional. They're rather nasty about it. They have gone so far as to imply that if I truly believe that I am in a relationship with a god that I am being decieved by a demon. I laughed. I reminded them that one of Loki's kennings is the Lie-Smith and that he's painted by Snorri Sturlson as the big baddie in the tale of Ragnarok. I said that they had best provide proof that it was some manner of demon.

For my part, I illustrated something of the daily dynamic between Loki and I. I didn't even bother bringing Freyr into the picture because I figured their head was going to explode. Then I addressed their continuing assertion that I was delusional by explaining that while I struggle with mental illness the clarity that comes when I'm not stuck in delusional thinking was intimately tied to my relationship with Loki. I explained what exactly my deleusional thinking patterns are and where they stem from. I didn't bother mentioning that in a manic state, I start panic cleaning and organizing everything in my home, much to Loki's consternation and exasperation. Again, I thought it would be a bit too much for them to handle.

They say "prove that your relationship with Loki is real" so I demonstrated it. Everything from the time he manifested and pulled me out of oncoming traffic to him teasing me about the kids leaving dirty socks hiding everywhere and that my coffee isn't strong enough because you can't strip paint with it. Loki and I have a very 'domestic' relationship. He comes and goes as he will. He's got god-things to do and I do my best to stay out of the way. (This sometimes leads to a bit of getting my ears pinned back when I'm struggling and not seeking out help because I don't want to be a burden.)

But this person is going to scoff at it all and declare it all the over active imagination of a bored housewife. I'm still going to wade into the fray and deal with their repetitive scorn because somebody has to stand up to them. One person in the Lokean community is doing good work on that front. They should have someone to back them up on this. If there are others who are on Tumblr and willing to join this, please do. I suspect that this person is an evangelical/dominionist Christian troll. Their comment about demons and their malformed understanding of how the relationships between oathed clergy and lay people within other branches of Christianity is what has me suspecting this. Their troll game is rather weak compared to what I've seen rank newbie Discordians play.

Godspousery Notes: Just by the damn books.

Dear Reader,

I was fretting and worrying about the nastiness of COVID-19. I was so caught up in my anxiety that I was putting off doing important research and acquiring tools for said research. This had been a sticking point for me, seeing friends and neighbors struggling financially and wondering when it was going to happen to us. Beloved pointed out that I had enough money squirreled away for writing stuff that I could afford the books I needed. Still I persisted in my fretting.

Then Freyr said in a tone of irritation, "Why are you not investing in yourself? Just by the damn books. You need them for your work. Stop saying that it's too expensive to buy the tools you need for your trade."

I ordered the books. Afterwhich, Freyr said, "Next, you're going to work on self-care practices. Because you're allowing your anxiety to ride you like a horse. Between now and when the books show up, you are going to work on yourself. COVID isn't going anywhere. Let that sit and be as it is. You're already doing the practical things to keep yourself and your family safe. Worry isn't going to get anything done."

I felt somewhat chastened by this. I got a stern look from him as I started on my habitual self-blame cycle. "Blame and worry are twin goads that drive you into misery. You should focus on pleasure, joy, and what you can do right now. Stop neglecting your joy out of some misplaced sense of duty to be the pain bearer of everything. That is not your place. Nor is worry going to do you any good but serve to make you yet more ill."

July for Loki: Post No. 9 - Godspousery Notes Edition

Dear Reader,

Last night - well, early this morning to be precise, Loki sat down and had a conversation with me. He often shows up in my dreams and we will interact more like how you would with a physical person. Because you can do that with deities (and other spiritual beings) in dreams. We were at a park that I frequented as a kid, sitting in the gazebo by the pond. Fortunately, while this dream was realistic there wasn't mosquitoes. We were just sitting there enjoying each other's company and watching the fish in the water for a while. That was when I realized that the water was crystal clear and clean. (The real pond has a fair amount of algae and debris in it, the park isn't well maintained.)

"I didn't realize that there were bigger fish than bluegills in this thing," I said to him. He chuckled.

"There once were, what you're looking at is the past," he answered.

"It's pretty," I replied. Loki pulled me closer to him, so that I was actually snuggled up against him.

"I wanted to remind you that the past isn't just full of ugly things, mistakes, and heartbreak," he said. I smiled up at him and was about to say something when he set a finger on my lips. "You tend to dwell on the heartbreak and the pain when you're depressed. I know it's hard to remember the good things but that's why you keep a gratitude log. You haven't been writing in yours. I know you're mildly depressed and it is slowly getting worse. But you need to start using that notebook again."

I mumbled something about how he was right or something along those lines when he took my hands and looked me intently in the eye. He said, "I take care of my people. I expect them to take care of themselves as best they can. You've been getting sloppy and careless about that again. We don't need another lesson in gravity again, do we?" I blushed and remembered my tumble down a flight of stairs because I didn't listen to his warnings (his repeated warnings) and the fractured rib from the shovel that 'caught' me. He could tell that he had lost my attention and literally went 'boop' as he tapped me on the nose. This confused me and redirected my attention back to him. "Make time to take care of yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You are going to need all those little self care practices you've developed to get through this. Welcome to the rest of your life, dear."

"I kinda gave up on the idea of homeschooling because I'm disabled," I mumbled.

"That's not what I'm talking about and with proper pacing for you and the children, you can do this. You can even get that writing career going too. It's all about using those tools that you got shamed for using in the past. They were wrong about you. You can do this and your method works for you, so don't give it up because of the ghosts of your parents disapprove of them or would call them crutches. You've a broken leg, you need crutches to walk a marathon." He then kissed me on the forehead. 

My dreams morphed into a series of surreal floral landscapes and watching glorious sunsets and sunrises. It was a relief from my usual nightmares of the past. I awakened feeling determined to do all the little things that I needed to so that I could be successful over the next week. If Loki says I can do it, that means I can, right? After all, he's a god with a bit more of a big picture view of the situation than I have right now.

Godspousery Notes: Virtual Hof.

Dear Reader,

Some may have the luxury of a sacred space where they may pour out offerings to the gods. Just as I have created a virtual chapel for Déa, there is a virtual Hof for the Norse gods. I created it at Heimdall's urging. He said that it would be easier than trying to make a secret physical one where I could pour out blots to the gods. Now, if you're familiar with the old stories, there is a bit of animosity between Heimdall and Loki. So, this discussion surprised me. Heimdall said to me that I was one of the souls that would build it with out any animosity or favoritism towards any god. He pointed out the relatively smooth relationship going on between Loki, Freyr, and I as an example that I don't play favorites or demonize anyone.

So, at his urging, I put together something simple. It wasn't like the chapel for Déa. And is it nothing like what is in Uppsala.  There is a wooded place with a maze that leads you to the center where a clearing awaits you. At the center of the clearing is a cairn of stones and a bowl. When I am cooking, I go to this place. I pour the blood from the meat I am handling over the stones and ask that it feed the gods, ancestors, and wights who love my family. (Virgin blood is blood that hasn't been used for another purpose before.) Now, the physical blood is poured into the pot I am going to be cooking with. I consider it to be the leavings of my offering and something that we can consume with some touch of their blessings upon us.

When I place an offering of coffee on the altar or water, I do the same thing. I project myself to that place and pour it over the cairn. This is a new practice, within the last few weeks new, and I'm not sure how the results will be different from just dedicating the offering and placing it on the altar. One thing about the path to the clearing is that whatever path you take will lead you there, revealing things that you need to know as you get there. And the path out of the clearing will be equally revealing. Like if your offering was received with pleasure or if the ancestors have a message for you.

Before I go into my trance and do this work, I make sure that I wash my hands and face. It cleans off the extra energy that could taint my offering or my perception of the sacred location.

Godspousery notes: Listen!

Dear Reader,

I was in a grump for a bit of last week. I was frustrated with everything and feeling rather malcontent with life in general. That was when Loki told me to stop and listen. I was irritated but intrigued, so I stopped and I listened. I heard birds singing. I heard small animals making noises in the trees and the field out behind the house. I heard crickets making a chorus of noise. I heard the neighbors a few doors down mowing their lawn. I heard the trains over at the rail yard across the way making noise with the cars they were moving around. I listened intently to all of this and couldn't decipher a pattern to it all. My attention kept returning back to the wildlife because it was closer and louder.

I said to Loki, "I give up, what am I listening to or for?"

That's when Loki grinned and said, "That's the sound of everything desperately trying to get laid."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes and scoff. He was right, except for the sounds of the lawnmower and the trains. He just grinned at me. He knew and I knew that part of the reason why I was snappish and short tempered was frustration with intimacy due to hormonal shifts going on with this perimenopause business. I suppose he was letting me know that I wasn't alone in my frustration. 

He was decidedly smug about it all. I was doing my best to ignore my sexual frustration and focus on stuff that I could actually do something about. He apparently felt it important to remind me about it. But, I suppose, it goes to show, when gods tell you "Hey, LISTEN UP!" it is not always something earth shattering. Sometimes it is a bit of a jest. It's important to keep a sense of humor when you're in an intimate relationship, especially with deities.

A Message from the World-Breaker

Dear Reader,

As you may know, I am a godspouse to Loki. One of the kennings of this god is World-Breaker. The people who like to point at Loki as the "Norse Satan" like to thump on this kenning like it's a bad thing. They're likely going to take exception to what I'm about to post here. As I was up in the middle of the night, sleepless with anxiety, Loki spoke to me. What he said reassured me so that I could get some sleep. He wanted me to share it with you all. Preface made, let's move on, shall we?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am Chaos. To some I am misfortune and to some I am not. I am not malevolent towards humanity. I am the force of entropy that keeps the universe from collapsing into nothingness. COVID-19 is a plague upon the earth but it is not my work or the work of some other deity. It is wyrd. It was only a matter of time until another plague swept through humanity. Your faster methods of travel meant that it spread faster where once it would have been confined perhaps to a single continent.

No one knows the full extent of their wyrd. Frigg who knows the fates of all mankind sits and spins her clouds and speaks not upon it. It is just as well. For what would you do if you knew the exact date that you were to die? Would you flail about in despair or give up those cherished dreams?

I am Chaos. I am also a friend of humanity. Some say that I am fickle, and that may be. But I am as much in the random acts of kindness as I am in the random acts of cruelty. It is you who decides if it is kindness or cruelty. I am merely the seed of action, the way you perform is the flower, and the results of your deeds are the fruit.

Your world has grown stagnant in many places. Those structures are beginning to crumble. They have been in this position for quite some time. You can rebuild them or you can build new, better structures. This is an earthquake that would be a magnitude 20. Seek your shelter and then build your lives up out of the materials that have rained down for you to work with. I am in the creative urge as much as I destroy. After all, to plant seeds you must break the earth open.

Godspousery Notes: Sit down and rest, dammit.

Dear Reader,

I'm at that awkward point where you begin to feel a burst of energy and like you just might have enough in you to jump back into your usual routine. And then you try and you have to sit down and take a break. Each time you try. I've been doing low impact activity. I even made a point of not dithering and fretting over Beloved working on dinner in the kitchen. (I get like that when ever it isn't me cooking. Yay anxiety issues.)

Now, you'd figure since I was doing things like working on my transcription project and crochet that I wouldn't be quite so worn out. I look around and see piles of things I really need to get taken care of. And each time I start to get up to do so, I've got Freyr giving me a stern look. Then I wonder what to do with myself and either turn back to the transcription project or my crochet.

Apparently their efforts to do Moura stuff with me is enforcing that I sit down and rest when I need it, as well as inspiring some curious things when I meditate. Like my accidental, happenstance related fasting from red meat for a week and they say to me, "Do you feel better for fasting now?" I feel like I'm doing Moura wrong. They keep telling me that I shouldn't be expecting this to be the same thing as Lent, because it is an entirely different animal.

The accidental, happenstance related chastity is frustrating. Again, they ask, "Do you feel better for this restriction now?" The answer to these questions have been, "No, I don't." Then they reply with a simple question: What is the point of Moura? Moura is a time of purification. Moura is a time of spiritual discipline. It is a time to align ourselves with Our Lady in her journey down into the lands of death.

My rote answers, however, gets me a rather arch look and expressions of droll amusement. The forced time of rest and recovery while I am working on getting over the flu has done more for my spiritual discipline than all of the scrubbing that I have been doing. It has forced me to sit down and pay more attention to my spirit. It has forced me to sit down and pay more attention to my prayer life. And it has lead me to deeper study of the scriptures of the Filianic faith.

Loki prods me to work on my prayer shawl. (He insists that the color is perfect for Moura despite the fact that it is fuchsia. Because fuchsia is an optical illusion that happens when you put the colors from the opposite ends of the spectrum beside each other. In the right light, it looks a rather queer lavender sheen or it has a bright pink glow to it. But the light has to hit it at just the right angle for either of these to be apparent. Generally morning light brings out the pink and evening light brings out the lavender.) He sits with me and keeps me company as I work.

Freyr pushes me to work on my personal discipline in caring for my health. He insists that as an incarnate soul, I should take care of my body and mind with great consideration. Freyr insists that it is as much spiritual discipline as it is mundane discipline for the sake of my health.

And then there is the scripture study. As I am transcribing and reading, I find myself drawn deeper into contemplation of the holy text. As I am resting and writing, I somehow find myself praying to see clarity in these words that I copy. Loki and Freyr will sit with me and ask questions of the text. It's an odd thing to have them point out parts that I should read over again and copy with great care. I never had expected this.