I've been quiet here for a few reasons. One is I am still trying to figure out what I am doing in the process of organizing my writing stuff (which is challenging because there are a lot of proverbial moving parts here), updating the appearance and functionality of this blog, and trying to get everything that I have here backed up. (I have precious few things backed up and this is a problem. I want you to be able to refer to everything here when you have need of it. So, I need to be able to put things back up when something goes wrong and technical errors happen.)
The other reason is because I am in the process of functionally completely changing my life. My religious life, my emotional life, my daily get stuff done life are all in a state of flux right now. This is not because I am abandoning things that have previously been important to me. It is because I came to the realization over the last few months that I have some pretty major problems doing what I need to to be healthy. Thus, Beloved is helping me fix that. And we are also working on helping me to accept core truths about myself. The biggest challenge I have been facing in this process is the questions of 'what if I am wrong? what if I am doing everything wrong? what if I am a bad person because of [insert defining characteristic or traumatic experience]?' These questions are not something that is healthy for me.
Freyr and Loki have been very ... firm in their rejection of those kinds of questions. The refrain around my house right now has been three things:
- Needs trump opinions. Always.
- Don't worry about 'right' or 'wrong'. Is it 'yes' or 'no'? (This one is all about stuff like what makes me happy and being allowed to have help and such.)
- Everyone needs help.
I have been struggling with these three truths. It's kinda funny in some darkly comedic way. I mean, I am super quick to help others, remind people they don't need to apologize for what and who they are, and always supportive of people doing what they need to for their own health and welfare. But, I am terrible about being so supportive and kind of myself.
The other night, I was upset because I felt like I wasn't doing the spiritual work I thought I should be doing. This got a look of annoyance from Freyr and Loki said in pure sarcasm, "Because completely changing your life to be healthier is just a hobby, right?"
You can always count on Loki to cut right to the point with a single droll comment. So, that's what's been going on right now.