I made the mistake this morning of listening to the news as the boys were getting ready for school. It made all three of us angry. Then I had to explain to the kids that they had to be cautious about what they said and posted on the internet because of the ramifications of saying things like how they wished people died. They weren't happy but grudgingly accepted my explanation of things as they stand. They asked me how long the president will be in power and I had to honestly answer that I had no idea. It made me feel bad to say that, but it was the truth.
There are people who seem to take pride in saying unpleasant truths. I may at times come off as one of them, for which I apologize. I may be proud of the fact that I am honest, but I don't want to hurt people with it. It is difficult to tell when honesty is going to be too much for some people. I try to gauge my audience before blurting out blunt truths but I have less success than I'd like to at that effort.
I suppose part of the problem is the fact that I tend to take stances and be a bit brash about it. Growing up, I was taught by some members of the family that I had to make myself smaller and put in effort to fit in better. It was painful and other members of the family told me that if someone could not handle me as I was then they didn't deserve me. (Can you guess who I am still talking to?) It's become reflexive to resist that pressure to conform as I've grown older. The more effort I put into accepting myself, the less I tolerate others trying to make me fit their preconceived notions about who I am.
My nonconformist attitude is running cross-wise to pretty much the whole cultural current of my local area. As such, people will do things like give me funny looks and mutter comments under their breath as I walk by. I keep my head held high and do my best to ignore them. It still stings, to be honest, when they do that. People have treated me in that fashion since I was young and it makes it hard for me to believe there is good in people at times. I am unabashedly liberal in my political leanings and that is a big problem for some of my neighbors, it seems.
Our place hasn't been egged yet. I think the reason why that hasn't happened is because we don't own the building and there are other apartments in it aside from ours. Someone did randomly smear dog feces on the door at one point. (That wasn't fun to clean off.) I've had people record me as I am about and doing things while they're making mocking commentary at full volume.
Since the political climate has shifted, this and the muttering is becoming more frequent. It is concerning. I have to do my best to keep in mind that this type of harassment is not personal. To them, I am just a convenient symbol of what they hate. It still makes me furious. I try to put the anger aside, but it's really hard. I've prayed on the matter and the only answer that comes to me is to keep being myself. I guess that I can't change other people and I can't change how they view the world. Tolerance seems to be a luxury.
No comments:
Post a Comment