Hello everyone. It's been quite a while and I do apologize. Depression got the better of me and then I kinda hit rock bottom for a bit. I wasn't writing anywhere. I wasn't crafting things. I think the only positive out that entire experience is the fact that through the many medication adjustments and such, I got to be at home instead of in a hospital. I felt safer and worried less about my family through that stretch of time. It was rough.
I just gave up on everything at some point. Choked down my medication, forced myself to eat when I was hungry, and numbly did my best to make the household run smoothly. I prayed the entire time for it to end. I didn't want to be dead, but if the gods deemed that was how it was going to end then it would have been by their hand. To say the least, Loki and Freyr were both most concerned. Somewhere along the way, my psychiatrist found a SSNRI that actually works on me, two actually. Those got added to the cocktail along with a switch in the atypical antipsychotic that I take off label for my bipolar.
The medications helped, a lot. Then I realized how much damage my two and a half years of depression did. I am still struggling to pick up the pieces. Half of my houseplants died for want of care. Those remaining are still looking unwell but I am confident that I can get them back to good health with some watering, repotting, and extra tender love and care.
I felt horrible about the plants. I was convinced that Freyr was disappointed with me at best, at worst he was angered. When I talked to him about it, he said that I wasn't in control of myself during that period. My illness was in control of me and I was too unwell to manage that burden. I still look at the empty planters and kick myself, but I am working to nurse these other green babies back to health so I do my best to focus on that.
I can't find that divination deck I was working on. Loki's told me it is in a 'safe place' and that I will get it back when I'm ready to work on it. If Loki's safe place is anything like my safe places for things, it'll be another two years before one of the cards shows up. He smirked when he said it'll motivate me to take better care of myself. I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't fault his logic.
When I started thinking about NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo, both Loki and Freyr insisted I should work on it. This was back in March. Camp Nano came up but there was too much family stuff going. I was also still adjusting to the medications. I made a few forays into blogging, as you can see in my past posts. I just was struggling with so much stuff and still on the mend from the depression that writing in my blogs felt impossible.
Déa felt distant. I didn't despair, though. I knew that every relationship, especially with deities and spirits, have their fallow periods. To keep myself centered, I picked up the pen and resumed writing in my prayer journals. It wasn't anything grand. It wasn't eloquent. Honestly, a lot of the prayers over the last while have been pretty desperate sounding.
My mental illness and its attendant problems aside, this year has been rather rough. My ailing father-in-law died in February. His funeral mass was in May (lots of complicated things lead to that happening how it did). My sons had a hard year with school. When Cuddle Bear graduated in June, it felt like a victory over the school system. You know it's rough when dealing with the school looks like an adversarial relationship instead of a partnership.
Summer was busy for Snuggle Bug, which meant it was busy for me. His brother sort of looked for work but spent most of his time playing games on his computer. I didn't realize how maddening that was going to be until I was in the middle of it. Cuddle Bear (who is 100000% done with this nickname) turned 18 in August. We were so busy helping out with Beloved's mother that there wasn't much of a party.
My mother-in-law is having difficulty adjusting to being a widow. Considering that they were married 50+ years, it makes sense. She's also having health issues and mobility issues that functionally keep her housebound. My brother-in-law has been staying with her to help out. Beloved is over three times a week to help keep his brother sane. Every time there's been a chance to help, Cuddle Bear has stepped up. He's done a lot of yard work and is currently working on cleaning up storm damaged trees. He's talking about selling the wood. We keep reminding him he has to finish cutting it before he can sell it.
And Snuggle Bug is having a rough time of it with school this year. He's depressed and struggling with some classes. We're doing what we can to help him and to get some supports from the school. Next year, Snuggle Bug will be a Senior and hopefully things will go better for him.
Back to the title question: what in the nine worlds am I doing? Hanging in there like a cat on a window screen, all claws deployed and yowling for someone to help.
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