I have decided to start posting some journal like things up here. On the days where I can't get my thoughts focused enough for my usual posting, I am going to attempt to do more posts like this one where I share just the rambling that goes through my mind. At the end of Moura, I will discontinue this practice, unless you, my readers, have enjoyed these posts. Please, let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Today was the day of planning. Like others in the Filianic faith, I will be doing my cleaning and purification of my home over the course of this month. I sat down with FLYLady's book (Sink Reflections) and planned out how I was going to accomplish the task of deep cleaning everything. I am a bit daunted by this task but I have hope that breaking things up into 15 minutes intervals, I will get it done. I am thinking I might be able to get the rest of the family to participate in this spring cleaning.
It is my hope that the boys and I can go through their toys some time over the next few weeks. I know that there are things they don't play with anymore and I would prefer that we gave them away to someone who would appreciate them rather than having everything cluttering up the apartment. In the spirit of this sense of clearing out things that are not used and appear to have no future use, I am going to be going through the games cabinet. I feel badly that we have this pile of games and no one plays them. I was hoping that we could do something like a family game night once a week but this just is not happening. As such, I am honestly wondering if I should give away the majority of board games that we have. It is something that saddens me to think about.
In my planning for the next four weeks, I have decided that I am going to use the time to re-establish healthful habits that have fallen by the way side due to my lasting depression. I know that it will be difficult, but I can not see myself making progress in my health and welfare with out taking this challenge on. Some things I am struggling with figuring out the timing (like when is the best time of the day to do 15 minutes of exercise) and other things I am struggling with figuring out how to implement them. I am concerned that I am going to put too much on my proverbial plate and make myself unwell with all of that effort.
I can honestly say that I am struggling with some anxiety over all of this. I look at it all and I feel my chest get a little tight and my heart starts to pound. I worry that I am going to fail, as I have so many other times where I have attempted to make these very changes. I tell myself that my goal is progress, not perfection. It feels like empty words as a part of me is arguing that everything I am looking at is an all or nothing situation. When I step back and look at it all, it is pretty silly to view things like establishing a long term habit as an all or nothing prospect. I am pretty sure that this all or nothing anticipation of catastrophe is due to my perfectionism and my anxiety conspiring together.
I am still keeping my daily prayer journal and devotional record. I honestly don't know if I am going to do this again over the next year. I struggled mightily with it. I look at it all and question if it was perhaps overly ambitious of me to attempt to do so. And then there is the part of me that says that it is a small bit of effort in the course of the day, one that is not such a big sacrifice and has nothing but benefits that come from it. I will pray on the matter and seek out guidance on it. I have been feeling dissatisfied with my current prayer practices, which contributes to my difficulty writing in my journal.