It has been a very long weekend for me. Partly because of the fact that there was a wedding that Beloved and I attended Saturday, and the whole day was a comedy of errors. Example: I left my eye glasses in the apartment, so he went in to get them before we left. Then he realizes he left his phone in the apartment. When he comes back out, we realized that my eye glasses were still inside, safely behind the locked front door. It was a bunch of silliness like that for the whole day.
It is now Monday evening. I am still trying to gather up the spoons to do things. I just haven't been well. I struggle with a massive sense of guilt for this. Loki rather pointedly reminds me "Needs trump opinions." It may sound like a really simple statement that anyone would agree with. I, however, need the reminder as much as my pride says I don't. I tend to default to a low opinion on myself and what I am worth. (It pretty much goes hand-in-hand with my disability and such.) So, when I have a day like today where I was exhausted most of the day and I can't stand to look at myself even obliquely in the mirror, I need the proverbial kick in the pants to pay more attention to the fact that as badly as I may feel about doing things like taking a nap or the daily anxiety medication when there is nothing in particular in that moment requiring the medication, I need these things and that is what matters.
Nothing is quite so unpleasant as when you are called out on neglecting yourself. Especially when you were convinced that you were doing just fine and not doing that. It is even more unpleasant when the reflexive guilt kicks in and then you get picked up by the scruff of the neck and told to knock it off, when you don't realize what you're doing until a few horrified moments later. At which point the guilt thing threatens to start up again and you get a proverbial shake with a second warning.
I could say that everything is fine. Beloved is employed and doing well at work. The boys are almost done with school and everything seems to be going just fine there. Heck, this is the first time in a while that I can say with confidence that I managed not to overspend money when I was doing my necessary shopping. But, I feel awful and I feel awful about feeling awful. It's a recursive state of misery that I hope will be resolved as I work with my new therapist and my psychiatrist.
Loki made a point of nudging me into the path of the new therapist. So, there is no question about what he thinks is going to help me out. I'm sure he's going to point out some other stuff as well. I did, after all, ask for some help and guidance. I am struggling right now. Please forgive me if I am not as cheerful as usual.