Sometimes I struggle with proper self-discipline. This makes it hard for me to do things like write and keep up with my daily devotional activities. Then I become despondent and sad because I feel like I am failing at said things. At which point my self-discipline becomes hindered by an enormous sense of 'I'm doing it all wrong anyways. Why should I bother, I'll just screw it up.' It makes pretty much everything hard.
As we are moving into the colder, darker time of year, I find that my brain chemistry becomes one of my principle sources of frustration in making changes I need to do. I am working on adjusting the various things in my life that feel like they're out of control. My dear Beloved husband is helping me. This reassures me enormously. At the same time, the gods have started to step up and provide guidance as well. As a result, it is no longer just me pitting my will against my illness and the challenges of my disability.
I am deeply thankful for this. Things that most people would shrug off as odd coincidence, I recognize as the hands of the gods who love me at play in the situation. I don't know how things are going to go proceeding forward. I am somewhat nervous. Still, I will do my best to walk forward with my head held high and in confidence. I know that if I falter, I will have someone urging me forward and someone else taking hold of my trembling hand to pull me through the threshold.
I know that most of the stories about mystics point to them having this incredible sense of self discipline. They are painted as superhuman in these qualities. I am not. So, when someone else imposes some much needed structure, I do better in all places. It makes things bewildering, because I was taught as a child that I needed to discipline and master myself in all things. Still, my confusion is incidental and has little effect on my movement forward. It may slow me a pace, but I will still proceed.
And this is what is needed. To say I am grateful is an inaccurate way to phrase it but I simply can not think of the correct words for it. Please bear with me. There may be some changes coming over the next little while.