Moura 2025 CE: Day 17

 I would have posted yesterday but I was busy with family stuff just about all day. No great tragedy has happened. I just was busy with a doctor's appointment that was running almost an hour late and then clothes shopping for the kids. My youngest (about whom we have some weight concerns) has put on 10 lbs in the last 10 days since we have started pushing stuff like desserts in front of him. My eldest has some reservations about this push to get him and his brother to eat more. I want to kick the person who planted the idea in his head that being overweight is the worst thing in the world. As a result of that, both kids are anxious about eating too much. Add on top of that the factor that they're somewhat picky about what they eat and you can guess how much difficulty we've been having getting them to eat.

I try not to worry about them but when the doctors involved in their care get concerned, I can't help but worry overtime. It's rather stressful to raise kids no matter what age they are. I suspect I will still be worrying about them when they're grown and out on their own too. I can't believe that my eldest child will be graduating high school this year. It blows my mind. I look at him and think to myself that just yesterday it seems we brought him home from the hospital as a newborn.

Time is weird like that. I wonder if the Divine has moments like this? I have no clue if they experience time like we do or not. I don't know what happens when you go from 4 dimensions to something higher. Well, not entirely. I know it takes a lot of really hard math to describe the layout and the graphs of it look really funky. Trying to describe 4+ dimensions on a 2 dimensional surface is really hard and visually confusing.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 15

 I made the mistake this morning of listening to the news as the boys were getting ready for school. It made all three of us angry. Then I had to explain to the kids that they had to be cautious about what they said and posted on the internet because of the ramifications of saying things like how they wished people died. They weren't happy but grudgingly accepted my explanation of things as they stand. They asked me how long the president will be in power and I had to honestly answer that I had no idea. It made me feel bad to say that, but it was the truth.

There are people who seem to take pride in saying unpleasant truths. I may at times come off as one of them, for which I apologize. I may be proud of the fact that I am honest, but I don't want to hurt people with it. It is difficult to tell when honesty is going to be too much for some people. I try to gauge my audience before blurting out blunt truths but I have less success than I'd like to at that effort.

I suppose part of the problem is the fact that I tend to take stances and be a bit brash about it. Growing up, I was taught by some members of the family that I had to make myself smaller and put in effort to fit in better. It was painful and other members of the family told me that if someone could not handle me as I was then they didn't deserve me. (Can you guess who I am still talking to?) It's become reflexive to resist that pressure to conform as I've grown older. The more effort I put into accepting myself, the less I tolerate others trying to make me fit their preconceived notions about who I am.

My nonconformist attitude is running cross-wise to pretty much the whole cultural current of my local area. As such, people will do things like give me funny looks and mutter comments under their breath as I walk by. I keep my head held high and do my best to ignore them. It still stings, to be honest, when they do that. People have treated me in that fashion since I was young and it makes it hard for me to believe there is good in people at times. I am unabashedly liberal in my political leanings and that is a big problem for some of my neighbors, it seems.

Our place hasn't been egged yet. I think the reason why that hasn't happened is because we don't own the building and there are other apartments in it aside from ours. Someone did randomly smear dog feces on the door at one point. (That wasn't fun to clean off.) I've had people record me as I am about and doing things while they're making mocking commentary at full volume. 

Since the political climate has shifted, this and the muttering is becoming more frequent. It is concerning. I have to do my best to keep in mind that this type of harassment is not personal. To them, I am just a convenient symbol of what they hate. It still makes me furious. I try to put the anger aside, but it's really hard. I've prayed on the matter and the only answer that comes to me is to keep being myself. I guess that I can't change other people and I can't change how they view the world. Tolerance seems to be a luxury.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 14

 It is the feast day of Med Moura. Most years, I take the day off to relax from cleaning and such. This year, the kitchen is a bomb blast of dirty dishes, the living room is threatening to topple over with piles of mail sitting around to be sorted, and there's at least three loads of laundry that need put away. And we won't even talk about the state of dusting required except to say I think I could plant things in the layer of dust settled on top of everything.

I am attempting to focus on gratitude today. It's kind of hard because I slept really poorly last night. Hormonal changes in my body have me sweating profusely at night which made me wake up at least 4 times. It's rather gross to wake up because of how much you are sweating. I am not looking forward to summer. I have made a point of pushing water into my system because of it. It feels like I am constantly drinking something but I'm not dehydrated so I won't complain too loudly.

The kids are resistant to doing housework right now. They tell me that they're not in the mood for it. School has been challenging so far this week because they're distracted by their thoughts about their late grandfather. Throw on top of that one son's problem with bullies and the other son's fretting about the future, and you have a whole heap of distractions. 

My eldest is really starting to feel the pressure of getting ready for graduation and the end of school. I have been doing my best not to worry but that's hard. They say that having children is like having your heart walking around outside of your chest. It's a pretty metaphor but I think it's more accurate to say that it is like having that for each child and your significant other. The more you love people, the more you worry about their well being and how you can help them thrive, it seems.

It makes me wonder if Déa has similar feelings about the whole of creation. I like to think that is the case. It's a hefty idea but it makes sense to look at it that way. She is the Mother of All. That leads me to think that she feels every thing more sharply than we realize and that we'll never truly understand the depth of her Love because it's been with us at all times. It's easy to take such a love for granted. Children can't conceive of a world with out that when they've been raised with it always there. It's a lot like how children think that the world has always been as they know it and they're always a little shocked to find out their parents have lives beyond them.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 13

 I am weary. I woke up at 0430 today. I know I'm not hypomanic because my brain isn't clicking along at a thousand miles per hour. I didn't sleep well over the last couple of days because of this persistent headache. I also have been finding myself caught up in worry when I'm not busy working on something. As a result, I tend to push myself to stay active until I am too tired to keep going. It's not a healthy habit and I don't recommend it to anyone. (This is one of the habits I'm trying to break this Moura.)

Worry is not productive. I have a magnet up on my fridge. It reads: Worry is like a rocking chair, it'll give you something to do but it won't get anything done. I find myself looking at it on a regular basis and it serves as a little reality check. When you have an anxiety disorder, reality checks like that are super helpful. It's really easy to get caught in a cycle of worry and spend half your day unfocused because your thoughts are distracted by anxiety over a ton of things. For me, once I start worrying about one thing, I jump to another not much later and then the next thing I know, half an hour has gone by. All I accomplished in that half hour was sitting and staring at things as I perseverate on my anxiety. It's really frustrating.

With the recent death of my father-in-law, I am concerned about how my children are doing. They seem to be ok, just more restrained than usual. But, I find myself having my anxiety kick up and I sit, worrying that they're in deep grief and feeling like they can't express it. It leads to my checking on them a lot (and the boys get annoyed with me). I try really hard to make myself available and approachable for them at anytime they may need me. It is a lot of emotional work on my part and I don't think they realize it.

The hardest part of it all is putting aside my fretful thoughts for me to focus on the present moment. I have done my best to place my concerns in the hands of the Divine, but I am not very good at that. I am really good at repressing things, but that's not healthy. (Another habit I'm trying to break.) I journal frequently. It helps some. I have a therapist that I see on a regular basis, which helps too. The mental habits of worry have deep roots and are very difficult to rip out. It's like the worst game of wack-a-mole ever. Slap one down, sixteen more pop up all at once.

Still, I keep trying. Practicing catch-and-release with thoughts is a good mindfulness technique. I sit for a few minutes and observe what thoughts are running through my head. I acknowledge them and then I consciously put them aside. It is like a mental version of writing things out and closing the notebook. It's a technique that has been most successful in helping me to worry less. 

Moura 2025 CE: Day 12

I am at something of a loss for what to write this morning. I have a bit of brain fog from my migraine medication lingering. Migraines are crushing pain and I don't wish them on anyone. When in the grips of one, I tend to hide in a dark room and whimper in pain until I pass out. It was worse before the doctor gave me this medicine, for which I am deeply thankful.

One of the things that having a migraine brings up in my thoughts is how it connects me to the suffering of Anna. Or perhaps how it connects Anna to my suffering. It's a puzzle to phrase and difficult to fully describe, but I am going to try. Our Lady, especially through the season of Moura, passes through suffering to bring us reunion with Déa. Every pain we have ever known, she knows and feels with a keenness of a knife. 

Physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain, and spiritual pain all are on equal footing. Pain is pain and no one gets to say that it is more or less valid given the type of pain one is suffering. The culture around us encourages us to compare our sufferings and try to rank them in degrees of greatness. This unhealthy competitiveness has broken many relationships and caused a good deal of harm. By simply accepting that suffering is an integral part of being alive and attempting to meet it with compassion where ever it is found helps us in our struggles with life.

The hardest place to meet suffering with compassion is when it comes to our own suffering. I tend to meet my suffering with bitter anger and sharp self criticism. I was raised to view my own suffering with scorn. It has taken me many years to be more compassionate with myself. I fail on a regular basis at this skill. I have some doubt that I will reach a level of acceptance that I can endure pain with out self flagellation. I know that there are many, many other people who struggle with this same skill set.

This is where I look to Anna. I place my suffering in her hands and ask for her to help me bear it. Asking for help is perhaps as hard for me as being compassionate towards myself. It is not a matter of pride as much as a delusion of worthlessness. It is easy to feel like you are worthy of love and compassion when all things are well. It is a lot harder when you are suffering.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 11

 I live in the United States. It is deeply distressing to see the changes happening in my country. I pray regularly for patience, courage, and for opportunities to resist the fascist movement rolling through the land. I am embarrassed by the president's behavior, disgusted with the behavior of his administration, and horrified by the failure of Congress to act to retain the balance of powers. One may say that it is out of character for me to post something looking at politics here.

I try to keep religion and politics separate. But given the current environment, I am afraid that freedom of religion is going to get stripped away. I am afraid that my family doesn't pass close enough for the 'normal' to keep the eyes of fascists away from us. I am a student of history and looking at what is happening now, I am deeply concerned that death camps are not that far away. And I know that I and my family would be on a list.

I am of German heritage and I was taught by my family that the rise of the Nazis was the shame of Germany. When my younger brother espoused approval of Nazis when we were in our youth, I decked him for it. I got in trouble with my parents for nearly punching my baby brother out, but he never brought up the topic around me again. With keen awareness that the Nazi policies and practices were based upon how the U.S. government treated the native peoples of this region, I have an equal sense of shame for the U.S. 

I have a history of calling out people in power for bad behavior. I have taught my sons to speak truth to power as well. It cycles back to the lesson that we've been instilling in the boys: don't apologize, do better. Apologies are nice, but empty words if no action is taken to repair the harm done. 

I also have a history of taking action for justice and using my privilege to raise up others who don't have the access to things that I do. If you are starving, I will not only make you a meal, I will help you find food resources and teach you how to cook. If you are naked, I will give you the shirt off my back and help you acquire clothes. I was taught that having privilege obliges you to help those who do not. I was taught that having privilege obliges you to be an example of how to wield the power that comes with it justly. 

I am not a saint. (Though Beloved considers me to be one and he's really sweet for doing so.) I am just a good person attempting to make the world more livable for all of us. As such, I do things like recycle, pick up trash whenever we're at the park, and try to practice sustainable living habits. I like to think that doing a whole bunch of little good acts equates to helping push back against the hate that surrounds us. 

Now, however, is the time to do more than my usual small acts. It is time to seek out the people who are being persecuted and form a shieldwall between them and the people harming them. It is time to scream in the streets, halls of legislature, and across the social media platforms that what is happening is wrong and against our consent. We must exercise our rights or we will lose them. And we must march to protect those who are in danger because the people in power will come for us next.

Moura 2025 CE: Day 10

 I was reading the meditation for today's date and it occurred to me that I have a fair amount to atone for. I have an anger problem and it leads me to say things that are sharp and biting. It doesn't matter if the cause of my anger is reasonable, my response to be acid tongued is not. Over the past year, while I wasn't well, I said a number of sharp things to Beloved. He graciously didn't take it personally, telling me "This is coming from a sick brain, I am not going to get mad." Looking back on it all, I feel about 3 inches tall for it and deeply ashamed that I was cruel to him. While being sick explains it and my anger also explains it, it does not justify it.

In my household, we have an expression. "Don't say you're sorry, just do better next time." The kids tend to apologize and then go right back to misbehavior. It is a microcosm of how the world at large operates. Which is why we encourage them to focus on deeds and restorative justice. If something is broken as a result of your actions, you try to fix it and if it can not be fixed, you try to replace it. When neither of these are possible, give a sincere apology and figure out with the owner of what had been broken is a fair compensation (which ranges from money to work on their behalf). As parents, we try to facilitate this process for our children.

I think restorative justice is more in line with Déa's will than punitive justice. Not all situations does the reasoning of how thamë was broken help to restore it. In fact, in many cases, explaining what your mindset was when things happened can just lead to more upset and a big fight. Teaching people to apologize by way of explaining themselves isn't that great. I've found it works better to give an expression of genuine contrition and focus on repairing the rift between oneself and the person(s) you've done wrong by.

Déa does not want us to suffer any more than necessary. As such, we're exhorted to act with love and kindness. Punitive justice has no love or kindness in it. It's based in a harsh eye-for-an-eye mindset. It takes the wrong doer and reduces them to a subhuman state which is used to justify inhumane treatment. It perpetuates a cycle of harm under a thin cloak of moral superiority. Both the wrong doer and the victim are harmed, and there is no resolution of the problem created. Also, there is no focus on addressing the root cause of the problem. It's awful and I am more than a little confident that Déa doesn't want that for us.

I have been working very hard to keep my anger and acid tongue in check. I have been striving to put kindness at the forefront of how I approach the world. If I can't help them, at the very least I can avoid hurting them more. It requires a lot of self questioning and careful consideration of how to act. But the alternative is just not right.