As it may have been apparent through my random godspousery posts, I am intimately involved with Loki. This is not, as some may say, a bored housewife living an elaborate fantasy. It doesn't look like most typical relationships because it is with a noncorporeal being. (Though there was that time he showed up in physical manifestation, but that's a story for a different day. Let's just say it was during a very difficult time and he gave me comfort and advice. This was before the godspousery thing even was a gleam in his eye.) Think about the challenges of a long distance relationship. Now multiply them by some random large number and that's about what it's like.
I keep a prayer journal where I write letters to him. It's a hold-over from the days that my Beloved and I were doing the long distance relationship thing and I was writing him letters on a just about daily basis. (Ok, just to make something plain, Beloved and I are polyamorous. He is my primary partner and husband in this world. Our relationship is open but with agreed upon limitations, among them is that the primary relationship take precedent over any others. And, unlike some corporeal partners we've had in the past, Loki thinks this is a damn good thing and wants to see this relationship thrive, to the point of being willing to sacrifice the romantic involvement between him and I for the health of my marriage to Beloved.)
So, there's me writing him letters in a notebook. Sometimes life gets busy and I don't get to write in my notebook. Then I pray to him out loud or quietly. This is more like a phone call. Some days, he'll "pick up the phone" and I can "hear" his response. Hearing him is the equivalent of having a thought that isn't mine in my head. It takes a lot of practice and discernment to tell what is Loki's reply and what is my brain's random babblings. I don't get letters back. But I get signs from him that he's gotten my messages. Sometimes it is hearing him. Sometimes it is things like having something turn out exactly like I needed when all elements of the situation were tending against that result. And, sometimes, I get the phantom sensation of a hand on my shoulder or something similar.
Now, someone may look at this and say "This sounds alot like psychosis or self-delusion." Having experienced both, I can assure you they're entirely different. Psychosis is having your own thoughts get very loud and (in my case) take over your auditory processing center to the point where you are hearing things as if someone is physically there. It's terrifying to experience and I don't wish it on anyone. And self-delusion is something that I struggle with because I was so conditioned to believe that I was worthless as a child. As such, I default to deluded assumptions that I am defective or flawed in someway that makes me sub-human. To say that Loki has opinions on this is like saying that the Sun is kinda warm.
As I have worked on my discernment and reality testing skills, Loki's been there to help me. At one point, when I was hospitalized due to suicidal depression with psychotic features, I was given a strong antipsychotic because the symptoms had become unbearable. I was doubting everything about my spirituality and life at that point. Loki said quietly to me, "Can you hear me now?" And for the first time since the psychotic symptoms had begun, I could hear him. There was silence in my head and I wasn't hallucinating, Loki truly was speaking to me. My gratitude was (and remains) profound.
Loki is a god of chaos. Mental illness is chaotic, or at least the grab bag of disorders that I have is. Every hospitalization, he's made his presence known and reminded me that I wasn't alone in there. Odin has done the same. Loki has been with me through some horrific stuff and regularly validates me when I have a mild flashback or memories surface. Just as Beloved has been a supportive and loving spouse (willing to call me out when I'm about to do something dumb or encouraging me when I'm chasing my dreams, he's always been there), so has Loki. Before the romantic entanglement, there was a long standing friendship, in both cases. It's part of the reason why the relationship works.
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