I have been working on updating my devotional journal over the last several days. As I have been writing and thinking hard about Dea, I find myself feeling somewhat under prepared to be writing so much about her. I have a bit of a self-image problem that tends to reflect poorly on my self confidence. I was really struggling with that over the last several days when something suddenly made sense.
My goal with this blog was never to be the authoritative voice on Filianism. I am probably one of the most heterodox Filyani/Filianists that you'll encounter. I found myself getting anxious over the idea that what I presented about Filianism was going to create horrible conflict in the community. I was really starting to worry about this when the silence from Dea deepened over the last year. As I was running around in circles thinking that I was a consummate fraud and such, she was working quietly in the background, as she does.
It was back towards the beginning of Yule that I had a sit down conversation with multiple deities. And that conversation consisted more of their explaining how things were going to work and why they were going to work in that fashion. As a friend of mine described it, it was a deity intervention. I came away from the discussion with Frigga, Freyja, Freyr, Loki, Odin, and Dea with an uncomfortable feeling. I am not very good at being compassionate towards myself. It felt awkward and wrong to be behaving in such a fashion towards myself. And yet multiple things landed in front of me that strongly encouraged this new behavior and feeling.
I was finding myself getting caught up in panic over my disability when the gods sat me down and had that conversation. I've come away from it with a new set of taboos and instructions for how to proceed forward. I thought about it and realized that these taboos and instructions (which frequently overlap) was something that I should probably share here. I'm doing so for two reasons. First, I really started this blog to share my spiritual wanderings and second, I suspect that this may be something that will prove helpful for someone else.
- I will stop lying to myself about my self worth.
- I am to begin taking active effort in maintaining my health and welfare.
- I am to stop apologizing for things that are not my fault.
- I am to take time to do more of what makes me happy.
- I am to stop saying cruel things to myself.
- I will begin reminding myself what my good qualities are.
- I will remember that I am a valid and valued person.
- I will do more to take care of myself on all levels.
- I will believe myself when I am telling myself that I am in pain or otherwise unwell.
- I am to be more loving towards myself, like I am towards the people who are important in my life
This list is in no particular order. Some folks who are close to me know what the biggest thing on this list is. Others on this list have been added since the initial conversation. Some people have New Year's resolutions, I have a list of rules and tasks to complete. Honestly, I think that this is going to work better for me than the standard New Year's resolutions. I am now accountable to others. This is a very large motivator. I've been told that there are consequences for intentional disobedience. I have also been told that I am allowed a grace period where my stumbling into establishing these practices will be tolerated, so long as I continue to work to make these things happen.
In addition to the list of taboos and tasks, I have also had some strong encouragement to do a few other things. One of them is to talk more about the godspousery thing that I have going on. This is not to be a 'how to' manual as much as a collection of anecdotes and snapshots into what is happening. The argument has been put forth that because I am not ashamed of them, I have no reason to be ashamed of myself either. This has been a consistent argument wielded against the argument that I am doing this all wrong. (By the way, if you are ever in a position where you are attempting to argue with Loki about something which you know you are wrong but too uncomfortable to admit, just give up. He will dismantle your argument and strip away that defense to hold up the mirror to show you just what is going on. And he won't even be angry or anything, he'll just do it. EVERY TIME. When he gets annoyed with your insistence with self-deception, he's probably going to get more ... aggressive about dismantling those arguments as you begin them.)
So, I am embarking on a learning experience. I've been instructed to share it with you all. I'm not sure how I am going to work that into the posting schedule. There is some negotiating going on between myself and the People in my life on how that posting schedule is going to look over the next year. I will notify you of changes to features and such.