Night Waking.

It is hard to sleep at night for me. Illness of the mind makes me so anxious and fearful that I will lay awake for hours. Nightmares plague me most every night and if I forget to take one of my medications, I may get four hours of hellish sleep for the night, waking frequently with my heart hammering and this sense of certain disaster awaiting me. Thus, I give thanks for my medications and Beloved's willingness to calm me down when I am thrust into full consciousness by yet another nightmare reliving past horrors I've experienced.

Most nights, after I have had my time of cuddling and quiet conversation with my mortal spouse, the gods lie with me. Loki wraps his arm about me and holds me against his chest as Freyr runs his hands over my hair and throws a leg over mine to pull my hips against his. You would think this was an awkward position but it works. Loki's head is just behind mine and he will whisper in my ear. Freyr's face is just before mine and he will whisper as well.

Most nights, they will talk with me about the small things of the day and express their thoughts upon various matters. Sometimes, I will like there cradled between them and listen to them talk to each other. It is a cozy moment. I don't understand their conversations half the time. Sometimes it is because it is in a language that I don't know and other times it is because it is dealing with matters that I have a vague concept of at best. The sound of their voices, though, helps quiet my mind and guide me down into sleep.

The dreams are usually quite different from the conversations before hand. But, then there are the nights where I wake up terrified. Beloved sleeps on the couch most nights because our bed has been causing him back troubles. Before, I would snuggle up to him. He would wrap and arm around me and then after I grounded myself in the present and he mutters a few sleepy words about how things really are not a disaster, I would fall back to sleep.

Now, I wake up and he is not there. There is a split second of panic, especially if the bedclothes are wrapped tightly around my upper body. Loki may be there, holding me against him as a source of phantom warmth at my back and the feeling of his cheek against mine. Or Freyr may be there, holding me against his side with my head on his chest and his fingers twined in my hair. It is a curious thing to have the sensations of someone physically with you when none is there. It is a brief thing. I'm sure some would say it was manufactured by my mind as I was waking up.

Honestly, I reject that argument on the basis of waking up from a nightmare of being sexually assaulted to the sensation of a naked man holding you against him is not something that coincides well. I have had times when I woke up from those nightmares and I moved away from Beloved because he likes to sleep in the buff and the fact that he was a naked male made my panicked mind scream that I needed to flee. (Every time I had this response, he immediately woke up and set to helping me calm down out of what was spiraling into a panic attack. He just knew by the change in my breathing and how I moved.)

That eerie there but not there business of the gods laying with me in my bed has pretty much always been enough of a shock to my brain that it shut down the panic attack and threw me into confusion. There was still the fear from the nightmare, but I wasn't terrified that the person laying beside me in bed was going to assault me. Loki and Freyr are both of a mind that with enough time, I will not have that response when I wake up out of those nightmares and Beloved is in bed with me again. I sincerely hope that it will be the case.

Night waking is a problem for me. It comes out of my chronic nightmares. But, I find I am not alone in the dark. That is probably what makes it bearable. Because my loves always are with me, keeping watch over me and keeping me safe in the dark.

30 Days for Freyr: Day IX

I had a whole post. Then it vanished off the screen. I'm a bit upset. But, I'm going to give this another shot.

Freyr has been doing something that confuses me. He's been acting as this cross between cheerleader, therapist, and spiritual adviser. I tried to argue with him that it wasn't necessary and it turns into a discussion about why it is necessary and a dissection of why I resist it. When I find myself powerfully tempted to fall back into the verbally self-abusive pattern of behavior, some sign of Freyr shows up. It can be a faint whiff of the smell of ripe grain or a deer suddenly making its presence known where there previously wasn't one.

A part of me wants to flee this kindness. It is the same part that insists that no matter what I've done, I have not earned it. Freyr, Loki, and my Beloved have all said that this part is filled with lies. It tells me that I don't deserve to live and that I'm doomed to failure. It tells me that any success I have is the result of capricious good luck or other people lowering the standards so that I could get it done.

One of the few times I have actually seen Freyr angry was when this had a grip on me. He took my by the shoulders and shook me pretty hard one time. I flinched and looked up at him. He told me that I was not this thing that I was describing. He said that I was going to see it but until then, this thing will be imprisoned. Then he took hold of something in the region of the back of my head and pulled.

It felt like something was literally being pulled out of my innards. He held this thing that looked like pulsing red and blue light. He dropped it into a box, locked it, and put it on his ship. "Every time it gets a hold of you, put it in a box and on my ship," he said.

So, when I have the clarity of mental thought to do that, I do. Between all my anxieties (which I've been told to box and put on his ship as well) and the repeated times that this thing pop up, I have been putting a lot of boxes on that ship. A small piece of me feels guilty for it. Freyr's said, however, that it makes good ballast and that he is going to take care of it. I want to give him the best of me but all these boxes hold what feels to be the worst of me.

But, this is what he said I should do and he will take care of it. So, I am going to trust him and keep doing this.

30 Days for Freyr: Day IIX

I was having a moment of self doubt yesterday. As I was struggling with the coffee maker (because I need my coffee), I found myself getting caught up in a parade of self doubt. Freyr leaned against the counter and said to me, "It is good to have high expectations. You set admirable goals. But you also set unreasonable ones." A part of me said I should argue that my goals were not unreasonable. It was a defensive habit that I am trying to break.

While my coffee was brewing, he walked over and put his arms around me. He said, "You need to learn to filter out which ones are the good goals and which ones are the insane ones. Right now, you're not telling the difference. That's what is stopping you. Not a lack of talent or anything else like that." I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I guess I was expecting to be told more about how unreasonable I had been being with myself, which had been the pattern these discussions have taken over the last two months.

I have been thinking about what he said and I am stunned by both the simplicity and accuracy of it. He always seems to manage to do that. If I'm having a problem, he summarizes it up with a few words that hit the mark every time. I got upset with that at first. I got defensive and felt like I was being belittled. I had a really hard time seeing that he was just trying to help. It lead to a few arguments.

Then, something clicked. Looking back over it all, Freyr's never put me in a position where I am being belittled or criticized. He has had stern things to say about what I've been doing and how I have been treating myself. But, even then, he has been kind. I think he gets a little exasperated with how I tend to get defensive when someone starts to point out how I'm taking the wrong approach on my goals. Even when he is exasperated, though, Freyr has never pushed for conflict between us.

In fact, he tends to shut down arguments before they happen most of the time. But, the few times where we have argued, he has always been calm and sympathetic. For some reason, that made me angrier before. But now that I have figured out that he really isn't attacking me over things, I am not getting angry with him. I feel badly about the times where I've gotten down right hostile over a mild suggestion for how I can take a better approach on a problem.

When ever I bring it up, though, he just gives me a fond smile and tells me not to worry about it. That it is over and in the past and I should focus on the present. That is answer to when I get caught up in past fears too. And when I get anxious about the future, he holds me. Then he tells me not to worry about things before they happen. Or, as he has said, "Don't prejudge the future. It could, and most likely, be entirely different from what you think it is right now."

He's been the voice of sanity. He's been the one who points out the rational approach to things. And Freyr helps me to ground myself in the present. I feel foolish for all the times where I didn't recognize that was what he was doing. And I know he's right when he says the only person with a problem with it all is myself and that I should forgive myself for it.

30 Days for Freyr, Day VII

When I don't feel well, I tend to be cranky and will bicker with people in my life. I try not to do it, but the words just pop out of my mouth before I can stop them. For a while, I argued with Freyr. He steadfastly had told me from the time of the summer solstice on that we were married. I argued that there had been no formal rite and that it couldn't be the case. It was a peevish argument, with Freyr generally sighing in exasperation when it happened. Other deities supported Freyr's argument, but I was bullheaded and insisted I was right. (Yes, I tend to have a habit of getting like this. I try not to but it happens from time to time.)

Then about a week ago, in the dreamscape, Freyr told me to come with him. He said that he had wanted to show me something. So, I followed him into a room that was cozy and just had all the perfect things that made it somewhere I would love to go and just relax away from the world. Standing in the center of that room, there was a dress form. On it was the gown that I had dreamed of wearing for my wedding to Beloved. A blood red gown in a medieval style with gold bands of embroidery at the neckline and on the sleeves, it really was a striking sight. There was a girdle of gold with garnets on it. The entire thing just about glowed in the light of the room. I felt a pang of regret for not having a gown like that for my wedding to Beloved and that was when Freyr said, "You need to get dressed."

I was a bit confused. He motioned towards the gown and I just stood there running my hand over the fabric. It was so, so soft. And the embroidery, it was so detailed that I just kept getting lost in the pattern of the vines and leaves. He smiled and removed the girdle. As he set it aside, I realized that I was supposed to actually wear the gown. I looked down at myself and discovered that my jeans and t-shirt turned into a leine that reached my ankles and stockings that were also that vivid red. As he helped me into the gown, I wanted to ask him what was going on but he looked so solemn that I didn't dare to. He handed me the girdle and I fastened it about my waist.

When I looked up, I saw that he was no longer in the jeans and flannel shirt of earlier. Instead, he was dressed in clothes of the same period as my gown, but of the Nordic styles rather than that of the English. He held out his hand. I took it and we walked out a set of french doors and into a garden. The whole garden was in bloom. Things that bloomed in different seasons were blooming alongside each other. The air was fragrant and everything was dazzlingly beautiful. I wanted to say something about how nice it was when he placed a finger over my lips.

We came to a little bridge over a stream. As we crossed it, I saw a gathering of people ahead of us. I thought it was some sort of party. When we were close enough to see what was going on, I found myself looking at the assembled body of the Aesir and the Vanir. I saw my ancestors with them and my spirit allies. Stargazer was there and beaming with delight. I turned to ask Freyr was was going on when Frigga and Freyja came forward, Frigga standing on the left with the Aesir and Freyja standing on the right with the Vanir.

When they both raised their hands high, I realized that they were each holding a spindle and the other was holding the end of the thread wound on it. Everything made sense in that moment. Freyr turned to me and asked me to walk with him over the threshold. I started to tear up but I nodded yes. I was about to step forward when he told me to wait a moment. Then he set a garland of flowers on my head. We  walked beneath the threads holding hands and in pace with each other. The whole company assembled cheered and applauded. Freyr embraced me and whispered, "Three times wedded. Third time's the charm. You'll remember this time."

I just held him and stared around myself with amazement. There was a feast afterwards but I only remember that it happened, nothing more. I know some people would say that dreams are wishes but this was something more. When I can think of that dress I yearned to wear and not feel heartbreak over it, I know it was true.

30 Days for Freyr: Day VI - Love

I've been struggling with this for a little while now. If you've seen my posts on my other blog I have been stumbling along the path of godspousery. In the midst of a couple of really rough days, I asked Ingvi who I was to him. Rather than turning the question back on me, he looked at me for a long moment. Then he said one word, love.

I wasn't sure how to take his answer. It confused me, to be honest. Then I realized, love is in pretty much everything I do. Each act I take, I do it for love's sake. Be it the love of family, friends, humanity at large, or the gods, it is done in love. There've been some arguments between myself and Ingvi (and Loki) about how I treat myself. It was with some shame that I realized that I was treating someone who they loved (who many other P/people who are important in my life love) terribly.

I'm striving to fix that. But, that light of love, it shines everywhere. I am wounded and I am afraid to allow that light to shine on myself for fear of seeing those wounds. This, however, is no longer an option. So, I press forward and try to look upon myself with the eyes of love. Because, all that is right in this world, moves for the sake of love.

In my love for Freyr, I am actively working to correct my self worth issues. If not for my own sake, then as a love-gift to him who asks only that I love him.

30 days of Freyr: Day V

How does Freyr show his love for me?

He shows it by fortuitous happenings. He shows it by unflagging support and encouragement when I attempt something new. He shows it by simply listening to my worries and concerns. He shows it through advice on how to handle challenges in my life. He shows it by letting me feel his presence (which can range from a sensation of warmth wrapped around me, which feels like standing in a summer sunbeam, to the ghostly sensation of arms around me or a kiss upon my brow).  He shows it by never uttering an unkind word, even when he is frustrated with me.

How do I show my love for Freyr?

I give him offerings and pray to him. I write devotional works in his honor. I dedicate my efforts in various tasks (such as tending my houseplants) to him. I will tell him I love him. I will reach out to him on the astral level and seek out his company. Sometimes it will be to just sit in his company. Sometimes it will be more intimate than that. I strive to be as present for him as he is for me.

30 Days for Freyr: Day IV

What can I say about my beloved Freyr? He is as humble as the mighty oaks and as gracious as the waving grain. He is the quiet voice that tells me I can rise up again after I have been brought low, pushing onward like the waves to the shore. It is the quickening that moves the blood through my veins and pulses with the vibrations of life. He is the one who watches over me and my own with all kindness and love. He is the one that steadies me when I feel as though I am about to fall into the starry sky. He is the one who reveals to me the hidden places of my heart and opens my eyes to the boundless capacity for kindness that exists in the world. Freyr is all this and so, so much more. Everyday, I give thanks for his love and tender care through out the day. And when I fall asleep in his arms, I know that I am in a place of absolute safety.

30 Days for Freyr: Day III

Hail Freyr, he who pushes me towards self acceptance and excellence.
Hail Freyr, he who provides for our needs through his blessing and sacrifice.
Hail Freyr, the joy of Gerda and Freyja.
Hail Freyr, the bountiful giver.
Hail Freyr, the son of Njord and Nerthus, of Sea and Earth.
Hail Freyr, beloved of the Æsir and the Vanir.
Hail Freyr, of the wheat gold hair and shining smile.
Hail Freyr, the keeper of Gullinbursti.
Hail Freyr, the god of the World.
Hail Freyr, he who walks Hel's road and returns from that distant land.

30 Days for Freyr: Day II - Frith & Fertility

If you're familiar with Heathenry, you will be aware of the concept of frith. Frith is in modern belief more than a calm environment or a state of non-aggression. It encompasses a place and state of peace, security, and neutrality where even the bitterest of enemies put aside their disagreements for the sake of it. It is something that is associated with Freyr.

It is a fairly common belief that Freyr blesses and protects they who protect the state of frith where ever it is. As such, people who are in law enforcement and public service (such as EMTs and firefighters) are held to be under his auspices. We're not entirely sure how his role of maintaining frith in the ancient communities played out. There is a good deal of theorizing that his role as a god of frith is highlighted in his role as a hostage at the end of the Æsir-Vanir war. Some people have argued that his marriage to Gerda and surrendering his sword is another example of frith making, but I think that is a bit of a stretch considering the mythos.

Along with frith, Freyr is a god of fertility. He is a god associated with life in many, many aspects. As a fertility deity, Freyr was called upon in antiquity to bless the herds and crops of farmers to provide for their needs and give them prosperity. I suspect that he was also invoked to bless people who were attempting to conceive children. Fertility in many ways has changed to a more abstract concept for modern followers of Freyr.

Instead of asking his blessing over their non-existent farm, Freyr is asked to bless people's endeavors to gain prosperity. He is still very much a deity invoked to assist childless couples to conceive children. While the blessings of prosperity are not directly fertility related, there is still a measure of that spiritual concept behind it because it is the energy of increase. For some people engaged in creative efforts, Freyr is at times asked to bless their efforts with the more abstract fertility of the mind. It is a bit of a linguistic play and mental gymnastics to phrase fertility in this fashion, but I have gotten the impression that Freyr is happy to help in such things because of the way it brings peace and prosperity into the world.

I have personally known the blessings of Freyr in the areas of frith and fertility. When Beloved and I were struggling to conceive our children, he was one of the deities that was invoked to help us. I don't think it was mere coincidence that a few short months after said invocation, I became pregnant with my elder child. I am more than a little bit sure that Freyr had blessed my home to be a place of peace years ago. As Freyr has become more active in my life, I have found that greater blessings of prosperity have appeared across my path.

30 Days for Freyr: Day I

Who is Freyr?

While I could give the dry account of the role Freyr has in the pantheons of the Aseir and the Vanir, I think everybody else and their cousin who is doing this meme has that covered a thousand times over. So, I'm going to take this from an entirely different angle. I'm going to share with you who Freyr is to me. 

I have struggled with how to write this for almost a week now. It is not because Freyr is not important to me. It is because he is very important to me and I keep feeling like words are inadequate. He sat me down last night and we had a very candid conversation about that feeling. I was told in no uncertain terms that my perfectionism is what is stopping me in many areas of my life and I needed to 'knock it off.' There were some other things said regarding my perfectionism, but that wanders into entirely different territory.


Freyr is someone I love dearly. I love his smile and the way his eyes light up when he laughs. I love the way he will chuckle over my being a dork. I love how he is willing to stop in the midst of all the important work he is doing to just be with me and comfort me when I'm having a bad day or my anxiety is bad. I love how he has always encouraged me to do my best and helped me have the tools I needed to do so. I love how he has stepped in and adjusted things so that I was no longer drowning in despair because I could finally see some hope in the situation. I love how he holds me when it is the end of the day and will just talk to me as I fall asleep. (Which happens right after Beloved is done doing the same. The love from the two of them makes it my favorite part of the day.)

I love the way he'll just randomly smile at me like I am the most beautiful thing on the face of the Earth. I love how he holds my hands when we're out walking and tells me about how his day has been. I love how he will let me comfort him when he is upset with all of the horrors in the world. I love his voice, which is more than just a psychic sound but feels like being wrapped up in a warm velvet blanket on a chill evening. I love how much hope and faith he has in humanity. I love the way he does little things to help my family when things are lean. I adore his generosity and aspire to cultivate that kind of spirit in myself.

I love the way he smells when he is with me. He smells of sun warmed grain fields, honey, and that undefinable smell that mixes fresh baked bread with that of a clean house where the sun is shining in the windows and the breeze softly blowing in. Freyr smells like home to me. He never ceases to amaze and humble me with his love.

30 Days for Freyr? Book projects? What to do?

I attempted July for Loki again this year and made it through most of the month. I have been getting a push to do the 30 Days for Freyr meme. I am not going to do it all in the month of August, however. I have so much going on between the kids, back to school, and all of the business of being SAHM, I am pretty sure that I can not manage 30 consecutive days of original content regarding one topic.

I will be blogging more about Filianic topics in the near future. I have a post that I wanted to make last weekend about Chelanya, Freyfaxi, and Lughnassadh. I only have the bare bones of an outline kicking around in my notebook. I'm hoping that I will get enough quiet time tomorrow to write it. I have some meditations regarding Dea as Mother and Dark Mother. I am also working on compiling more prayers and meditations as I go through the year. It is my hope to share some of them as well.

Amongst the writing that I have in progress, I am collecting my visions and the interpretations of said visions into a manuscript. It is a bit slow going because I am ploughing through approximately twenty years of notes. It kinda amazes me when I look at the sheer volume of paper that I have acquired over the years. At some point, I will have to convert it to digital format for the sake of organization. But, I did reference the work in progress in A Year with Dea. It is my goal to have it completed and to market by the Autumnal Equinox. As of right now, it is about 25% finished.

I expect that once school is in session I will get a ton of work done on it in fairly short order.