30 Days for Freyr: Day IX

I had a whole post. Then it vanished off the screen. I'm a bit upset. But, I'm going to give this another shot.

Freyr has been doing something that confuses me. He's been acting as this cross between cheerleader, therapist, and spiritual adviser. I tried to argue with him that it wasn't necessary and it turns into a discussion about why it is necessary and a dissection of why I resist it. When I find myself powerfully tempted to fall back into the verbally self-abusive pattern of behavior, some sign of Freyr shows up. It can be a faint whiff of the smell of ripe grain or a deer suddenly making its presence known where there previously wasn't one.

A part of me wants to flee this kindness. It is the same part that insists that no matter what I've done, I have not earned it. Freyr, Loki, and my Beloved have all said that this part is filled with lies. It tells me that I don't deserve to live and that I'm doomed to failure. It tells me that any success I have is the result of capricious good luck or other people lowering the standards so that I could get it done.

One of the few times I have actually seen Freyr angry was when this had a grip on me. He took my by the shoulders and shook me pretty hard one time. I flinched and looked up at him. He told me that I was not this thing that I was describing. He said that I was going to see it but until then, this thing will be imprisoned. Then he took hold of something in the region of the back of my head and pulled.

It felt like something was literally being pulled out of my innards. He held this thing that looked like pulsing red and blue light. He dropped it into a box, locked it, and put it on his ship. "Every time it gets a hold of you, put it in a box and on my ship," he said.

So, when I have the clarity of mental thought to do that, I do. Between all my anxieties (which I've been told to box and put on his ship as well) and the repeated times that this thing pop up, I have been putting a lot of boxes on that ship. A small piece of me feels guilty for it. Freyr's said, however, that it makes good ballast and that he is going to take care of it. I want to give him the best of me but all these boxes hold what feels to be the worst of me.

But, this is what he said I should do and he will take care of it. So, I am going to trust him and keep doing this.