I was having a moment of self doubt yesterday. As I was struggling with the coffee maker (because I need my coffee), I found myself getting caught up in a parade of self doubt. Freyr leaned against the counter and said to me, "It is good to have high expectations. You set admirable goals. But you also set unreasonable ones." A part of me said I should argue that my goals were not unreasonable. It was a defensive habit that I am trying to break.
While my coffee was brewing, he walked over and put his arms around me. He said, "You need to learn to filter out which ones are the good goals and which ones are the insane ones. Right now, you're not telling the difference. That's what is stopping you. Not a lack of talent or anything else like that." I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I guess I was expecting to be told more about how unreasonable I had been being with myself, which had been the pattern these discussions have taken over the last two months.
I have been thinking about what he said and I am stunned by both the simplicity and accuracy of it. He always seems to manage to do that. If I'm having a problem, he summarizes it up with a few words that hit the mark every time. I got upset with that at first. I got defensive and felt like I was being belittled. I had a really hard time seeing that he was just trying to help. It lead to a few arguments.
Then, something clicked. Looking back over it all, Freyr's never put me in a position where I am being belittled or criticized. He has had stern things to say about what I've been doing and how I have been treating myself. But, even then, he has been kind. I think he gets a little exasperated with how I tend to get defensive when someone starts to point out how I'm taking the wrong approach on my goals. Even when he is exasperated, though, Freyr has never pushed for conflict between us.
In fact, he tends to shut down arguments before they happen most of the time. But, the few times where we have argued, he has always been calm and sympathetic. For some reason, that made me angrier before. But now that I have figured out that he really isn't attacking me over things, I am not getting angry with him. I feel badly about the times where I've gotten down right hostile over a mild suggestion for how I can take a better approach on a problem.
When ever I bring it up, though, he just gives me a fond smile and tells me not to worry about it. That it is over and in the past and I should focus on the present. That is answer to when I get caught up in past fears too. And when I get anxious about the future, he holds me. Then he tells me not to worry about things before they happen. Or, as he has said, "Don't prejudge the future. It could, and most likely, be entirely different from what you think it is right now."
He's been the voice of sanity. He's been the one who points out the rational approach to things. And Freyr helps me to ground myself in the present. I feel foolish for all the times where I didn't recognize that was what he was doing. And I know he's right when he says the only person with a problem with it all is myself and that I should forgive myself for it.
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